Shitting Stories

[EdgarusQPFC]

Magnificent

I produced something highly strange a few years ago. I'd been really ill over Xmas and New Year with the flu and somehow went something like 10 days without a shit. Finally the "twinge" came and i hauled my sorry and painful carcass to the gas chamber. What followed felt like i was passing a tree trunk. It was agony. I was almost in tears, but at the same time so relieved that id actually managed a shit.

I got up to check out my handiwork and what i saw had me squinting in confusion. I'd produced a massive, fairly circular-looking shit, most VERY dark brown in colour, but interspersed with small blobs of light brown shit. It was remarkable. I only wish id had a camera phone at the time.

Flushing the fucker away was nigh on impossible, and only achieved with the aid of the bog brush and half a roll of toilet paper.

I had to lie down afterwards.

Now i know what childbirth must be like.

Cheers man, I to have experianced the pains of birth

I had a similar experiance to you a few years back, i was bedridden with the flu for a few weeks and during that time i didnt eat a single thing. I simply had no appetite, my gran was getting worried so she made me some hot dogs and asked to try eating them, i was able to get most of one eaten before i started feeling funny. About 10 minutes the uncontrollable desire to push one out hit me hard, so hard i was scared i was going to shit myself so i ran to the bathroom, well hobbled to the bathroom cheeks clenched and had a similar hard and painful shit which came out entierly black. A few years later i found out that a newly born babys first shit is black and tar like, so my black funk was the little food that had remained in my gut during my illness.

Try it at home

[Johnny Silver]

Magnificent

I produced something highly strange a few years ago. I'd been really ill over Xmas and New Year with the flu and somehow went something like 10 days without a shit. Finally the "twinge" came and i hauled my sorry and painful carcass to the gas chamber. What followed felt like i was passing a tree trunk. It was agony. I was almost in tears, but at the same time so relieved that id actually managed a shit.

I got up to check out my handiwork and what i saw had me squinting in confusion. I'd produced a massive, fairly circular-looking shit, most VERY dark brown in colour, but interspersed with small blobs of light brown shit. It was remarkable. I only wish id had a camera phone at the time.

Flushing the fucker away was nigh on impossible, and only achieved with the aid of the bog brush and half a roll of toilet paper.

I had to lie down afterwards.

Now i know what childbirth must be like.

I believe that's known in the trade as a 'Gambit' if anyone remembers the chocolate bar of yore.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

I believe that's known in the trade as a 'Gambit' if anyone remembers the chocolate bar of yore.

Fantastic

Though it also bore similarity to a Tesco Chocolate Tray Bake

[Poet of the Macabre]

A few month back i was on my throne having a fairly standard feeling shit. No spikes, just a nice flowing one. So once the deed was done i looked down the pan, and i had created a floating shit that was a perfect sphere about the size of a tangerine, i couldnt believe it, it was like a little brown moon. I furthered my investigation by grabbing a cotton bud and i spun my brown globe to check for folds or cracks but there were none, from all i could tell it had simply came out spherical. I was pretty chuffed with myself for my unintentional achievement, and quite surprised at the ease of its passage. I almost wished i had taken a picture.

Fantastic!

Also enjoyed the "cheeky little skid mark comment" from the OZ guy

[dave258]

I just shat out what felt like 3 litres of brown lumpy water. I've been rather ill the past week and haven't eaten much so it's to be expected, but still, this was awful.

It looked like brown paint and it took three flushes to get the marks off the bottom of the bowl.

[dave258]

I just shat out what felt like 3 litres of brown lumpy water. I've been rather ill the past week and haven't eaten much so it's to be expected, but still, this was awful.

It looked like brown paint and it took three flushes to get the marks off the bottom of the bowl.

It happened again

[Benjamin_Nevis]

It happened again

I'm not sure whats worse.

Until this morning i'd gone 6 days without a shit. SIX FUCKING DAYS. I have no idea why. I wasnt ill, hungover or had eaten anything especially unusual. When it finally arrived it was absolutely awful. Starting off with a couple of nice satisfying solid tollies, which sadly degenerated into what felt like molten lava towards the end. My arse felt like it had been shredded.

[dave258]

See, I hadn't been for a crap for a few days until yesterday, so when I felt the need to go was quite pleased, until I felt my insides fall out.

[McMuffin]

Some of you may be aware that I work in a care home during my holidays from uni.

There's been a vomitting/diarrhoea bug thats spread through the home. I did my first shift yesterday, which was a double shift.

Stood up this morning while getting dressed for work and it hit me. Like a bat out of hell. I managed to tighten and prevent most of the damage, and sprinted through to the toilet with my trousers at my ankles. Tripped in the hall in my haste, slammed my shoulder into the bathroom door frame and bounced onto the toilet. The damage was sufficient enough to render my boxers out of commission, and I have a nice bruise on my shoulder.

Man down.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Some of you may be aware that I work in a care home during my holidays from uni.

There's been a vomitting/diarrhoea bug thats spread through the home. I did my first shift yesterday, which was a double shift.

Stood up this morning while getting dressed for work and it hit me. Like a bat out of hell. I managed to tighten and prevent most of the damage, and sprinted through to the toilet with my trousers at my ankles. Tripped in the hall in my haste, slammed my shoulder into the bathroom door frame and bounced onto the toilet. The damage was sufficient enough to render my boxers out of commission, and I have a nice bruise on my shoulder.

Man down.

I almost envy you. I've not weighed anchor for four days now. My diet must be fucked. Lately i've gone several days at a time without a turd, then i give birth to some absolute monstrosity, then its back to the non-shitting. I spent all weekend on the piss, which used to result in a guaranteed Sunday Special, but nope. f**k all. Again.

[Johnny Silver]

I almost envy you. I've not weighed anchor for four days now. My diet must be fucked. Lately i've gone several days at a time without a turd, then i give birth to some absolute monstrosity, then its back to the non-shitting. I spent all weekend on the piss, which used to result in a guaranteed Sunday Special, but nope. f**k all. Again.

Me, wife and 2 of our 3 kids have the d & v bug.

Between my wife and I, we changed our 15 month old daughters nappy 13 times yesterday. On one occasion it poured out the side onto the carpet. Proper fizzy gravy. Needless to say I wont be having a chicken korma for a while

[McMuffin]

Don't envy me, I shat myself again this morning. Absolutely no warning until pure water had escaped, not a lot as I clenched but enough to have me putting my pyjamas in the wash and showering at 6am.

I don't think I've ever been so ill over such a short space of time.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Don't envy me, I shat myself again this morning. Absolutely no warning until pure water had escaped, not a lot as I clenched but enough to have me putting my pyjamas in the wash and showering at 6am.

I don't think I've ever been so ill over such a short space of time.

I no longer envy you. I had a coffee and lit up a fag, AKA the "shit trigger", this morning when i was about to play the X Box, and had to sprint to the gas chamber while simultaneously removing my shorts. I only just got my cheeks on the seat when i produced a near-laser beam of horrendous light brown/yellow unpleasantness.

I've now had three baths today for fucks sakes. One this morning, HAD to have one after that episode, and just had one after fives.

I'm never drinking vodka and red bull all weekend again

[Johnny Silver]

Don't envy me, I shat myself again this morning. Absolutely no warning until pure water had escaped, not a lot as I clenched but enough to have me putting my pyjamas in the wash and showering at 6am.

I don't think I've ever been so ill over such a short space of time.

Were they Superman ones??

[Bibby]

So am sitting on the throne pumping a chubby chutney, gently whistling AC/DC's massive 1980 hit You Shook Me All Night Long; twas a peaceful Jobby.

After the jobby had descended into the bowels of the bowl, I nochalantly got to my feet to put myself back in my clothes (I like shittin' in the scud). Suddenly, and I think this could be a first in the world of turd disposal, I pulled ma hammy putting my right leg through it's desgnated trouser hole.

Before you know it, I'm lying against the bowl in agony. But the poop hasn't ceased. Oh no: Ladies and Gentlemen of P&B, this man needed a mud-guard as this massive Niagara of shite bellowed from my Vijay Singh.

No amount of toilet paper would prevent the Jobbyfest that surrounded me (The much-debated sweetcorn theology is true also).

Just to make it worse, Sky Sports News is on in the other room and out of nowhere Jim White tells me that Yeovil's Lloyd Owusu has won the League One Player of the Month Award for October.

my days...

[Lambie's Pigeon Feed]

I no longer envy you. I had a coffee and lit up a fag, AKA the "shit trigger", this morning when i was about to play the X Box, and had to sprint to the gas chamber while simultaneously removing my shorts. I only just got my cheeks on the seat when i produced a near-laser beam of horrendous light brown/yellow unpleasantness.

I've now had three baths today for fucks sakes. One this morning, HAD to have one after that episode, and just had one after fives.

I'm never drinking vodka and red bull all weekend again

Arse Fuse

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Arse Fuse

Do you also own the profanisaurus?

Every home should have one. F**k the bible

[gav-ffc]

Got told this from a mate the other day.

Basically his pal was shagging his girlfriend in her house and they were doing it on the stairs and he asked if he could give her it up the arse and after a while she gave in and he slid it in. He was pumping away like the clappers and then they heard the door opening at the so he quickly pulled out and seconds after doing that her arse exploded all over a freshly painted white wall and went everywhere. She then blamed it on the dog and it got put down.

[county-mad]

Got told this from a mate the other day.

Basically his pal was shagging his girlfriend in her house and they were doing it on the stairs and he asked if he could give her it up the arse and after a while she gave in and he slid it in. He was pumping away like the clappers and then they heard the door opening at the so he quickly pulled out and seconds after doing that her arse exploded all over a freshly painted white wall and went everywhere. She then blamed it on the dog and it got put down.

:lol:

[DarkBlue62]

Got told this from a mate the other day.

Basically his pal was shagging his girlfriend in her house and they were doing it on the stairs and he asked if he could give her it up the arse and after a while she gave in and he slid it in. He was pumping away like the clappers and then they heard the door opening at the so he quickly pulled out and seconds after doing that her arse exploded all over a freshly painted white wall and went everywhere. She then blamed it on the dog and it got put down.