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i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.

anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it

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How many of Clyde's players are out of contract at the end of the season? A clearout beckons.
i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.

anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it

:lol:

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i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.

anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it

I actually just sat killing myself laughing for about 5 minutes at that, priceless! :D

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I actually just sat killing myself laughing for about 5 minutes at that, priceless! :D

dugs seem to love shite for some reason :huh:

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Alright I've got a few stories.

Me and these three guys were working in the oil (seismic) exploration business in South Turkey. We had to go back and drill some more holes away from camp at this crappy wee town called Cizre near the Syrian Border. We stayed at a really boggin hotel the first night, mossies everywhere, we've all got the runs, so we found another new hotel. It was still being built but it had proper lavvies, instead of they elephant's feet kind that they use in the Middle East. Anyway, after a day or two the management told us off for putting toilet paper down the lavvies, apparently the plumbing there isn't designed to handle paper and there was a risk the bog would choke.

So I'm in this guy Chimpy's room (an Aussie Driller) guzzlin a beer waiting for him to get ready so we can go eat. He's in the shower and we're shouting to talk to each other. All of a sudden he falls out out the shower, pulling down the curtain, yelling phuccing Jesus....ran over to see what had happened and our other mate Tony The Tourist was having a watery keech in his room next door and it's come up in Chimpy's shower, all over his feet man, what a mess and stink, nearly puked when I saw it.

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Another one. Night out on the beer, waiting in the car at the traffic lights at Davie Mains in Edinburgh to go to work next morning. Farted, felt a bit warm. Pulled down my breeks to check and half a gallon of hot liquid shite pours out. Spewed all over my bare legs when I saw it, had to drive a couple of miles back home in broad daylight and run back up the stairs to the flat, past the neighbour, with keech and puke running oot the bottom of ma troosers.

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Last one then I'll shut up. When I first started wincin my current wife, I stayed at her flat every now and again. So one mornin I'm there in the kitchen wearin her baggy white dressin gown, cooking some bacon and eggs. Let rip a wee fart, realised it was a shite, choked it off. I looked down on the floor and there was a puddle of hot shite about four inches across, happily I'd missed my bare feet completely, nae spatterin. But then I though aw nawwww her goonie is going to be a right mess inside. So after cleaning up the floor I waddled off tae the bog for a quick look likes, and would you believe it there wasnae a mark on the dressing gown at all. That follow-through must have come straight downwards from my clenched arse, missed the goonie, and ma feet, and just made a nice civilised wee puddle. Amazin.

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Last one then I'll shut up. When I first started wincin my current wife, I stayed at her flat every now and again. So one mornin I'm there in the kitchen wearin her baggy white dressin gown, cooking some bacon and eggs. Let rip a wee fart, realised it was a shite, choked it off. I looked down on the floor and there was a puddle of hot shite about four inches across, happily I'd missed my bare feet completely, nae spatterin. But then I though aw nawwww her goonie is going to be a right mess inside. So after cleaning up the floor I waddled off tae the bog for a quick look likes, and would you believe it there wasnae a mark on the dressing gown at all. That follow-through must have come straight downwards from my clenched arse, missed the goonie, and ma feet, and just made a nice civilised wee puddle. Amazin.

a "perfect storm"

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:lol: My sides. :lol:

Never mind Nightshift-bound, this thread could quite possibly be Gold-bound.

About time this made it to P&B Gold...

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I would like to suggest a promotional idea for P&B: A Viz-like book of shitting stories.

A good idea in theory, but as most of the descriptions have been lifted straight from the Profanisaurus, there might be legal issues.

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One of my mates in 3rd or 4th year had one of the funniest shitting "accidents" I have seen. We had swimming for PE this day and the class had just got in the pool (thankfully I wasn't due to a twisted ankle) and just after my mate got in the pool he decided to let out a wee fart which would have been ok but it wasn't a wee fart he needed, he had took a sudden case of the squirts, so instead of a few bubbles for him it ended with a massive amount of watery shit around him and the rest of the class evacuating the pool faster than he evacuated his shit chute. When he got out he had massive amounts of shite down his legs and around his feet and just to add to problems when he was cleaning himself up in the showers the next thing we heard was "oh f**k" as his episode wasn't over this time he managed to cover the wall and the floor as well as get shit splattered up his back. Once he finally had himself clean he managed to get to the changing room toilet where no sooner did have his arse on the pan and all hell broke loose from both ends.

One of the teachers came in to the changing room wondering why we all had evacuated it and the pool early only to be met with spew all over the floor and a pan full of shite plus a half comatosed 15 year old.

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One of my mates in 3rd or 4th year had one of the funniest shitting "accidents" I have seen. We had swimming for PE this day and the class had just got in the pool (thankfully I wasn't due to a twisted ankle) and just after my mate got in the pool he decided to let out a wee fart which would have been ok but it wasn't a wee fart he needed, he had took a sudden case of the squirts, so instead of a few bubbles for him it ended with a massive amount of watery shit around him and the rest of the class evacuating the pool faster than he evacuated his shit chute. When he got out he had massive amounts of shite down his legs and around his feet and just to add to problems when he was cleaning himself up in the showers the next thing we heard was "oh f**k" as his episode wasn't over this time he managed to cover the wall and the floor as well as get shit splattered up his back. Once he finally had himself clean he managed to get to the changing room toilet where no sooner did have his arse on the pan and all hell broke loose from both ends.

One of the teachers came in to the changing room wondering why we all had evacuated it and the pool early only to be met with spew all over the floor and a pan full of shite plus a half comatosed 15 year old.

Dodgy curry the night before? :D:lol::D

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Once took a dump whilst my wife was in the bath and midway through her complaining I stood up letting her see the jobby half out my keeky winker.

Promptly jumped out the bath and spewed in the sink.

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A few month back i was on my throne having a fairly standard feeling shit. No spikes, just a nice flowing one. So once the deed was done i looked down the pan, and i had created a floating shit that was a perfect sphere about the size of a tangerine, i couldnt believe it, it was like a little brown moon. I furthered my investigation by grabbing a cotton bud and i spun my brown globe to check for folds or cracks but there were none, from all i could tell it had simply came out spherical. I was pretty chuffed with myself for my unintentional achievement, and quite surprised at the ease of its passage. I almost wished i had taken a picture.

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Once took a dump whilst my wife was in the bath and midway through her complaining I stood up letting her see the jobby half out my keeky winker.

Promptly jumped out the bath and spewed in the sink.

I read that too fast and thought you'd shat in the bath with her in it!! :D

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A few month back i was on my throne having a fairly standard feeling shit. No spikes, just a nice flowing one. So once the deed was done i looked down the pan, and i had created a floating shit that was a perfect sphere about the size of a tangerine, i couldnt believe it, it was like a little brown moon. I furthered my investigation by grabbing a cotton bud and i spun my brown globe to check for folds or cracks but there were none, from all i could tell it had simply came out spherical. I was pretty chuffed with myself for my unintentional achievement, and quite surprised at the ease of its passage. I almost wished i had taken a picture.

Magnificent :lol:

I produced something highly strange a few years ago. I'd been really ill over Xmas and New Year with the flu and somehow went something like 10 days without a shit. Finally the "twinge" came and i hauled my sorry and painful carcass to the gas chamber. What followed felt like i was passing a tree trunk. It was agony. I was almost in tears, but at the same time so relieved that id actually managed a shit.

I got up to check out my handiwork and what i saw had me squinting in confusion. I'd produced a massive, fairly circular-looking shit, most VERY dark brown in colour, but interspersed with small blobs of light brown shit. It was remarkable. I only wish id had a camera phone at the time.

Flushing the fucker away was nigh on impossible, and only achieved with the aid of the bog brush and half a roll of toilet paper.

I had to lie down afterwards.

Now i know what childbirth must be like.

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