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Poet of the Macabre

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In the words of Fudge:

On the train back from Liverpool the carriages were busy so we couldn't get 5 seat next to each other so we had to stand in the alcove bit beside the doors and the toilet.

Just as we left Liverpool station, Gogo announced that he needed a shite that he'd been 'cooking up' for some time and after pleading with us not to leg it to the other end of the train while he was in the toilet, he finally went for his jobby.

A few minutes later he emerged with a massive grin on his face and after describing just how big and smelly his turd was produced his phone and showed us photographic evidence that his log was indeed towering well above the high water mark. We had a right good laugh about it for a couple of minutes but soon forgot about it as the discussion returned to the usual fare of shagging burds.

5 minutes later a decent looking girl with big boobs entered our alcove from the main carriage and asked where the toilet was to which Gogo gleefully repsonded 'just in there ay'. As she shut the door Gogo announced to us 'ah didnae flush that by the way' and we all burst into fits of laughter. As soon as we'd calmed down gagging and choking noises could be heard from the toilet which sent us into hysterics again. This continued peridoically throughout the whole 5 plus minutes she was in the toilet.

She exited with a disgusted look on her face whith her scarf pulled up over her nose like a makeshift gas mask and again we burst out laughing as she sheepishly made her way by us. Just as we were simmering down a man and his wee boy went into the toilet and as the door was shutting you could just make out the boy uttering 'daddy...........someone's been sick in the sink' which had us struggling for breath as we tried to fight off the tears of laughter for the final time.

:lol: that is hilarious even just reading it :lol:

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I was in my local Kebab shop last night pished and asked for the hottest curry they had saying that they couldnt make me something that was too hot. this curry i got blew my head off. And this morning my arse was red raw. Definitely as hot on the way out as the way in.

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I was in my local Kebab shop last night pished and asked for the hottest curry they had saying that they couldnt make me something that was too hot. this curry i got blew my head off. And this morning my arse was red raw. Definitely as hot on the way out as the way in.

Ring sting :o

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When i was 4, my mum was in the next door neighbours. I was in desparate need of a shite, so i went to to toilet done the shite etc. When i looked to my right, no toilet roll. So, i decided to flush the toilet, go out into the garden where there where lots of weans playing with my scants down and started wiping my arse with a leaf. I was grounded for a month.

Did you not look to your left Scott?

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I was out on the sauce last night, drinking real ale which is always guaranteed to lead to some carnage the next day. Didn’t go this morning but had my lunch at 12 and then felt a huge rumbling. I can see the toilet door from my seat and on the other occasions I need to go for a dump I can scope it out for when its likely to be quiet, but this beast was demanding some urgent attention.

The layout of the bogs at work is 4 traps with no urinals (something I find a bit strange, but anyway- and yes it was the gents before anyone says), and a guy was coming out of trap 1 so into trap 2 but after that the place was empty. The manky b*****d left without washing his hands, so the whole unit was mine. As I unleashed a battery of hraka I let out a verbal exclamation of “thank f**k… whew…needed that” etc. This was a stench most foul, particularly sulphuric in smell, I was almost gagging.

With some relief , once I’d used the horrible shiny toilet paper, I hit the flush button. But to my horror, this was a repeat offender. I’m not the sort to leave my own mess so I had to wait for the cistern to refill. Closed the lid and sat down, only for some rumblings to come from the previously deathly silent trap 4. Whoever was in there had heard my joyous whoop when I emptied myself. The horror, the horror… now we were in a deadly game of cat-and-mouse… there was no way I could leave the cubicle at the same time.

Fortunately after a minute or so someone else came to my aid and went for a quick slash in trap 1, as soon as he flushed, so did I and this was my cue to exit so the trap 4 guy wouldn't know who it was. Trap 4 remained resolutely closed as I washed my hands, which took all teh heat out of the situation.

My only worry is I think I might be heading back for round 2 shortly…

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The other week my friend shat in the street when he had the runs... It was half nine in the morning and he wiped his arse with some tissues.

Typical Dundonian...

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I have a video on my phone of a guy who fell asleep at the astroturf at braes high school so his mate thought it would be funny if he filmed himself taking a shit on this guy.

As it drops it rolls down his face and sits on his chest, as he wakes up and realises his face is priceless!

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I have a video on my phone of a guy who fell asleep at the astroturf at braes high school so his mate thought it would be funny if he filmed himself taking a shit on this guy.

As it drops it rolls down his face and sits on his chest, as he wakes up and realises his face is priceless!

Braes High astro, the coldest place on earth.

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Don't you just hate it when you do a nice jobby in the bog at work only to go for the flush and for some reason there is no water in the cistern, the handle just pushes back with no resitance, no water comes down, its knackered? Dont you just hate it when you stand there for a few minutes inhaling your own stench before trying again to use the flush and again nothing happens?

Dont you really hate it when seconds later the door gets knocked and its the cleaner saying "anyone in here" and you respond, "yeah I'll be out in a second"? Dont you hate it even more when you walk out the toilet to see her standing there and you make clear eye contact with her? Dont you just want to kill yourself when she empties the wastepaper bin beside you later that day while giving you the biggest growler ever while you pretend she isnt there? If looks could kill she'd watch me die.

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I have a video on my phone of a guy who fell asleep at the astroturf at braes high school so his mate thought it would be funny if he filmed himself taking a shit on this guy.

As it drops it rolls down his face and sits on his chest, as he wakes up and realises his face is priceless!

video or it didnt happen.

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