cheesefiddler Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I'm reading this while taking a nice little shit.Just thought I'd contribute to the fact I'm posting and shiting at the same time how? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
well fan for life Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 how? I'd imagine he's on a laptop/similarly WiFi'd deviced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randall Graves Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I went for an Eartha when I got into work this morning. The trout released caused the toilet to back up to the point where it almost came back over the bowl after flushing. I put the toilet lid back down and after pausing briefly to wash my hands, left it for someone else the find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dougalldogg Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I went down the unit this morning and unleashed an absolute beast in terms of stench I thought at the time f**k me thats bad then went back to work, 20mins later I had to take a customer down past the toilet area to the reception the whole lobby area owtside the toilet absolutely reaked of the shit I had just sent swimming, it was a very proud moment when the customer was boaking :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Little piece of dietary advice for the P&B masses. Do not, i repeat DO NOT have the following items for tea over three consecutive days. Baked Tattie with Mature Cheddar, side of Sweetcorn and Peas. Chicken Madras Curry, with Wholegrain Rice Nachos with Chilli, Salsa and Creme Fraiche dips. I was slightly concerned about my lack of dead otter-dropping considering the strength of the curry the other night. I needn't have fucking worried. Got up this morning, feeling the slight twangs of possibly needing a shit but not enough to think about forcing it. Got ready for work as usual. After morning coffee, i felt the need for a quite tremendous fart, and decided reception was not the ideal location. So i nipped round to the gents, and unleashed a rather "confident appeal from the Australians". Sadly for me, as the pungent air biscuit tailed off, it soon became apparent that there was to be an unpleasant and unwelcome bonus. I only just managed to get my trousers/boxers down, and plonk my arse on the seat, when i gave birth to an absolutely monstrous water baby. I almost cried as the thing exited my poor nipsy. It was then followed by decreasingly solid pellets which felt, and almost sounded like dull machine gun fire. Things further degenerated to the stage i was basically shitting out bits of sweetcorn in a stream of brown and utterly horrendously rank liquishit. The smell was horrific. I almost gagged as i got off the toilet to wipe my utterly ruined arse. To make matters worse the toilet paper at work is that awful Initial Services stuff ... you know the single sheet paper that seems to only serve to carefully smear the shite around your arse crack. Not good at the best of times, but after a shite that's left your arse looking like the top of a marmite jar, i'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that the entire exercise took three flushes worth of paper (including the initial toilet bowl atrocity). My legs were actually shaking as i pulled up the trousers/boxers, and i barely had the strength to do up the belt and wash my hands. Thoroughly. I was then faced with the "escape unscathed" situation. IE hoping you don't meet a colleague on your way out, who within minutes will tell the entire building what you'd just done. I quickly sprayed the place with air freshener, bolted out the door and hoped for the best. Thankfully there was no one around. The only bright spot of a truly awful 15 minutes of my life. As I type, i'm almost needing another one, but my arse still hurts from this mornings terror. I'm scared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seamus Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Little piece of dietary advice for the P&B masses.Do not, i repeat DO NOT have the following items for tea over three consecutive days. Baked Tattie with Mature Cheddar, side of Sweetcorn and Peas. Chicken Madras Curry, with Wholegrain Rice Nachos with Chilli, Salsa and Creme Fraiche dips. I was slightly concerned about my lack of dead otter-dropping considering the strength of the curry the other night. I needn't have fucking worried. Got up this morning, feeling the slight twangs of possibly needing a shit but not enough to think about forcing it. Got ready for work as usual. After morning coffee, i felt the need for a quite tremendous fart, and decided reception was not the ideal location. So i nipped round to the gents, and unleashed a rather "confident appeal from the Australians". Sadly for me, as the pungent air biscuit tailed off, it soon became apparent that there was to be an unpleasant and unwelcome bonus. I only just managed to get my trousers/boxers down, and plonk my arse on the seat, when i gave birth to an absolutely monstrous water baby. I almost cried as the thing exited my poor nipsy. It was then followed by decreasingly solid pellets which felt, and almost sounded like dull machine gun fire. Things further degenerated to the stage i was basically shitting out bits of sweetcorn in a stream of brown and utterly horrendously rank liquishit. The smell was horrific. I almost gagged as i got off the toilet to wipe my utterly ruined arse. To make matters worse the toilet paper at work is that awful Initial Services stuff ... you know the single sheet paper that seems to only serve to carefully smear the shite around your arse crack. Not good at the best of times, but after a shite that's left your arse looking like the top of a marmite jar, i'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that the entire exercise took three flushes worth of paper (including the initial toilet bowl atrocity). My legs were actually shaking as i pulled up the trousers/boxers, and i barely had the strength to do up the belt and wash my hands. Thoroughly. I was then faced with the "escape unscathed" situation. IE hoping you don't meet a colleague on your way out, who within minutes will tell the entire building what you'd just done. I quickly sprayed the place with air freshener, bolted out the door and hoped for the best. Thankfully there was no one around. The only bright spot of a truly awful 15 minutes of my life. As I type, i'm almost needing another one, but my arse still hurts from this mornings terror. I'm scared :lol: :lol: Mills and boons should sign you up. It reminds me of a time when I was in the cubicle at work and the guy next to me's arse sounded like the theme tune of bonanza. He stunk the place out and luckily I noticed it was my bosses shoes and I wanted Friday off at short notice. So I waited until he got up before I went out .He gave me the day off no bother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 :lol: :lol: Mills and boons should sign you up.It reminds me of a time when I was in the cubicle at work and the guy next to me's arse sounded like the theme tune of bonanza. He stunk the place out and luckily I noticed it was my bosses shoes and I wanted Friday off at short notice. So I waited until he got up before I went out .He gave me the day off no bother. Good work Seamus. Also a reminder of the time the Director of my Department had to phone the front office from the Gents cubicle on his moby for someone to bring in some toilet paper, as he'd been stranded on brown island. A source of much mirth for several weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uni Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I mind at Munich airport I walking into the toilets and the urinals were all being used and I heard someone flushing in a cubicle. The guy walks out says something to me in German looks concerned then laughs, The only German word I heard was "jude" so I'm guessing it was a holocaust joke. Well I finally realised what he meant. I walked in an the smell was fucking horrid. After taking a pish I was sick in the toilet then I needed a shit and I was hating every moment of this. I felt like I was sitting in a temple of shit and taking a shit at the same time. Damn those nasty Germans! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loyalbluebear Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 down at the caravan one year i had the "morning after the night before shite" only this time i noticed a problem it wasnt breaking up, seriously i sqeezed out this mammoth fucking thing and not once did it break up wheni finished and flushed the toilet even the toilet paper wouldnt take the thing away 3 days later the fucking thing was still lying at the bottom of the pan, im still dreading getting a letter from the caravan site with my "friend" in it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naught A Chance Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 and unleashed a rather "confident appeal from the Australians". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejailender Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Can I suggest to you all to avoid eating Stornoway Black pudding and a chcken Madras in the same day. We practically had to evacute the house this lunch time after I paid a visit to the loo ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Saintee Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I shit myself every time Alan Main comes off of his 6 yard line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gogo Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 In the words of Fudge: On the train back from Liverpool the carriages were busy so we couldn't get 5 seat next to each other so we had to stand in the alcove bit beside the doors and the toilet. Just as we left Liverpool station, Gogo announced that he needed a shite that he'd been 'cooking up' for some time and after pleading with us not to leg it to the other end of the train while he was in the toilet, he finally went for his jobby. A few minutes later he emerged with a massive grin on his face and after describing just how big and smelly his turd was produced his phone and showed us photographic evidence that his log was indeed towering well above the high water mark. We had a right good laugh about it for a couple of minutes but soon forgot about it as the discussion returned to the usual fare of shagging burds. 5 minutes later a decent looking girl with big boobs entered our alcove from the main carriage and asked where the toilet was to which Gogo gleefully repsonded 'just in there ay'. As she shut the door Gogo announced to us 'ah didnae flush that by the way' and we all burst into fits of laughter. As soon as we'd calmed down gagging and choking noises could be heard from the toilet which sent us into hysterics again. This continued peridoically throughout the whole 5 plus minutes she was in the toilet. She exited with a disgusted look on her face whith her scarf pulled up over her nose like a makeshift gas mask and again we burst out laughing as she sheepishly made her way by us. Just as we were simmering down a man and his wee boy went into the toilet and as the door was shutting you could just make out the boy uttering 'daddy...........someone's been sick in the sink' which had us struggling for breath as we tried to fight off the tears of laughter for the final time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest el bawbag Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 In the words of Fudge:On the train back from Liverpool the carriages were busy so we couldn't get 5 seat next to each other so we had to stand in the alcove bit beside the doors and the toilet. Just as we left Liverpool station, Gogo announced that he needed a shite that he'd been 'cooking up' for some time and after pleading with us not to leg it to the other end of the train while he was in the toilet, he finally went for his jobby. A few minutes later he emerged with a massive grin on his face and after describing just how big and smelly his turd was produced his phone and showed us photographic evidence that his log was indeed towering well above the high water mark. We had a right good laugh about it for a couple of minutes but soon forgot about it as the discussion returned to the usual fare of shagging burds. 5 minutes later a decent looking girl with big boobs entered our alcove from the main carriage and asked where the toilet was to which Gogo gleefully repsonded 'just in there ay'. As she shut the door Gogo announced to us 'ah didnae flush that by the way' and we all burst into fits of laughter. As soon as we'd calmed down gagging and choking noises could be heard from the toilet which sent us into hysterics again. This continued peridoically throughout the whole 5 plus minutes she was in the toilet. She exited with a disgusted look on her face whith her scarf pulled up over her nose like a makeshift gas mask and again we burst out laughing as she sheepishly made her way by us. Just as we were simmering down a man and his wee boy went into the toilet and as the door was shutting you could just make out the boy uttering 'daddy...........someone's been sick in the sink' which had us struggling for breath as we tried to fight off the tears of laughter for the final time. that is fucking epic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 In the words of Fudge:On the train back from Liverpool the carriages were busy so we couldn't get 5 seat next to each other so we had to stand in the alcove bit beside the doors and the toilet. Just as we left Liverpool station, Gogo announced that he needed a shite that he'd been 'cooking up' for some time and after pleading with us not to leg it to the other end of the train while he was in the toilet, he finally went for his jobby. A few minutes later he emerged with a massive grin on his face and after describing just how big and smelly his turd was produced his phone and showed us photographic evidence that his log was indeed towering well above the high water mark. We had a right good laugh about it for a couple of minutes but soon forgot about it as the discussion returned to the usual fare of shagging burds. 5 minutes later a decent looking girl with big boobs entered our alcove from the main carriage and asked where the toilet was to which Gogo gleefully repsonded 'just in there ay'. As she shut the door Gogo announced to us 'ah didnae flush that by the way' and we all burst into fits of laughter. As soon as we'd calmed down gagging and choking noises could be heard from the toilet which sent us into hysterics again. This continued peridoically throughout the whole 5 plus minutes she was in the toilet. She exited with a disgusted look on her face whith her scarf pulled up over her nose like a makeshift gas mask and again we burst out laughing as she sheepishly made her way by us. Just as we were simmering down a man and his wee boy went into the toilet and as the door was shutting you could just make out the boy uttering 'daddy...........someone's been sick in the sink' which had us struggling for breath as we tried to fight off the tears of laughter for the final time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gordon EF Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 A few years ago I was walking home from a night out and was heading past St Leonard's police station in Edinburgh. This was probably the half-way point of the 45/50 minute walk home and I could feel that a substantial faecal pie was baking in the oven. My pal actually found an old porno lying on some steps and stopped to have a look at it right outside the police station. It might have been the break in walking that done it but the warning signs started and I knew I was going to have to release this dump into the wild. I ran (waddled) round the side of the station, just off the main road to look for a quiet spot but it got to the point where it was either drop kecks and shit in the street or soil myself. I opted for the former. I squatted down, with my hands on the pavement behind me for support, and this god-awful brown mess came hurtling out my arse hole. It was pretty satisfying but it just wouldn't stop, it was just one, long, continuous jobby. I suddenly became worried that it might start piling up and touch my arse cheeks. Fortunately, it didn't get to that point but it was close. I stood up to admire my work and was confronted with what looked like a chocolate dollop of whipped cream that had just coiled around itself as it had been laid down. It really was a thing of beauty. It was on the pavement right outside the police station too, which made it all the sweeter. I can just imagine someone finding it the next day and thinking it was just a particularly weird looking dog shit, not knowing the full horror of how it came to be there. Another really great part about this fiasco was the inevitable 'toilet roll' question which always crops up when one has to shit outside. Of course, I was assuming that I would have to walk home with a shitey arse. That was just a price I was willing to pay. But after I'd done the deed, it just didn't feel like there was much there. I got home and went for a quick clean up and apart from a couple of small brown smears on the paper, there was nothing there. The turd Gods were smiling down on me that night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CowdenLoyal Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 A few years ago I was walking home from a night out and was heading past St Leonard's police station in Edinburgh. This was probably the half-way point of the 45/50 minute walk home and I could feel that a substantial faecal pie was baking in the oven. My pal actually found an old porno lying on some steps and stopped to have a look at it right outside the police station. It might have been the break in walking that done it but the warning signs started and I knew I was going to have to release this dump into the wild. I ran (waddled) round the side of the station, just off the main road to look for a quiet spot but it got to the point where it was either drop kecks and shit in the street or soil myself. I opted for the former. I squatted down, with my hands on the pavement behind me for support, and this god-awful brown mess came hurtling out my arse hole.It was pretty satisfying but it just wouldn't stop, it was just one, long, continuous jobby. I suddenly became worried that it might start piling up and touch my arse cheeks. Fortunately, it didn't get to that point but it was close. I stood up to admire my work and was confronted with what looked like a chocolate dollop of whipped cream that had just coiled around itself as it had been laid down. It really was a thing of beauty. It was on the pavement right outside the police station too, which made it all the sweeter. I can just imagine someone finding it the next day and thinking it was just a particularly weird looking dog shit, not knowing the full horror of how it came to be there. Another really great part about this fiasco was the inevitable 'toilet roll' question which always crops up when one has to shit outside. Of course, I was assuming that I would have to walk home with a shitey arse. That was just a price I was willing to pay. But after I'd done the deed, it just didn't feel like there was much there. I got home and went for a quick clean up and apart from a couple of small brown smears on the paper, there was nothing there. The turd Gods were smiling down on me that night. Brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Saintee Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 *stuff* Outstanding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pol Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 In the words of Fudge:On the train back from Liverpool the carriages were busy so we couldn't get 5 seat next to each other so we had to stand in the alcove bit beside the doors and the toilet. Just as we left Liverpool station, Gogo announced that he needed a shite that he'd been 'cooking up' for some time and after pleading with us not to leg it to the other end of the train while he was in the toilet, he finally went for his jobby. A few minutes later he emerged with a massive grin on his face and after describing just how big and smelly his turd was produced his phone and showed us photographic evidence that his log was indeed towering well above the high water mark. We had a right good laugh about it for a couple of minutes but soon forgot about it as the discussion returned to the usual fare of shagging burds. 5 minutes later a decent looking girl with big boobs entered our alcove from the main carriage and asked where the toilet was to which Gogo gleefully repsonded 'just in there ay'. As she shut the door Gogo announced to us 'ah didnae flush that by the way' and we all burst into fits of laughter. As soon as we'd calmed down gagging and choking noises could be heard from the toilet which sent us into hysterics again. This continued peridoically throughout the whole 5 plus minutes she was in the toilet. She exited with a disgusted look on her face whith her scarf pulled up over her nose like a makeshift gas mask and again we burst out laughing as she sheepishly made her way by us. Just as we were simmering down a man and his wee boy went into the toilet and as the door was shutting you could just make out the boy uttering 'daddy...........someone's been sick in the sink' which had us struggling for breath as we tried to fight off the tears of laughter for the final time. that is hilarious even just reading it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrah Swango Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I was in my local Kebab shop last night pished and asked for the hottest curry they had saying that they couldnt make me something that was too hot. this curry i got blew my head off. And this morning my arse was red raw. Definitely as hot on the way out as the way in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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