Guest Raeboy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 There is another incident that involves a mates nasty neighbour, a Ford Escort and a rolled up Falkirk Advertiser but I reckon the above will do for now..! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugster Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Not quite sure of the rest of the song but the chorus goes...'Whoooooaaaaaaaaaaaaah He got halfway theeeere... wooooooooahd shh1teing on the Staaaaairrr' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baiggers Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Many years ago my mate's parents were newly married and were staying at what his old man would describe as the outlaws. She'd stayed indoors (as any good wife should) and he'd gone out on the batter (as any good husband should). In the morning she woke him up shouting and going off her head (one not to be messed with) about something. He queried what the problem might be and she told him there was a pile of shite in the corner of the room. "Wasn't me, must have been the dog!" was his reply. Her response... "The dog doesn't wipe his fucking arse on the curtains!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Many years ago my mate's parents were newly married and were staying at what his old man would describe as the outlaws. She'd stayed indoors (as any good wife should) and he'd gone out on the batter (as any good husband should).In the morning she woke him up shouting and going off her head (one not to be messed with) about something. He queried what the problem might be and she told him there was a pile of shite in the corner of the room. "Wasn't me, must have been the dog!" was his reply. Her response... "The dog doesn't wipe his fucking arse on the curtains!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Silver Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 My 3 year old son did an interesting shite this morning. Had a hammer head which explained his curious expression of discomfort. Upon our joint inspection of the pan we discovered that the first two inches or so was a very light beige colour and the remainder (apprx. 2 1/2 ins) was dark brown with no merging of colour at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 quality!I was taking a dump at TITP once (festival shits, never healthy). All was going well before I turned around and to my horror all the decent bog roll had gone and the tatty remains were all covered in piss. Luckily I had a packet of kleenex in my pocket. So I got up off the lavvy and proceeded to wipe ma pipe wi the crumpled up tissues. At this point the door flies open and there standin in front of me is a burd of about 25. She screams and shuts the door. All i heard from the outside was "theres a wee guy wipin his f**kin arse in there, had his baws oot n everythin!". I stayed in that bog for at least 10 minutes. Superb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broxy Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Before I begin, I am confident in saying that I do the smelliest farts on this forum. Easily. I have yet to smell a Tony DeBart that is worse than my own. Seriously. If anyone wants to challenge me feel free however I have been told by at least 10, maybe 15 people that my arse is the worst they have ever inhaled.Anyway - to try and narrow my bombs down to my best has been an almighty challenge. But I have made my decision. Must have been a few years back now. I was down in Blackpool with my family for a few days. The weather was really nice and we were in the Blackpool Tower for the day. It was very stuffy inside, it was the kind of weather that folk were picking up leaflets and using them as makeshift fans. You've probably done it before. Anyway, there is a dinosaur tour ride thingy inside the Tower which my family and I had decided to go on. May as well - it was free! The queue was longer than expected and once we had been there for around 5 minutes I felt the urge to drop my arse. I knew this would have been an inexcusable act, not only would my family be mortified, but everyone was stuck in this tunnel-like hallway. It was very small and you could barely move - kind of like a German war-camp. I had decided against the idea of unleashing a putrid stink-bomb on the poor tourists as not only would it not go away, but the air was already very stuffy, never mind having to deal with the smell of s***e. After around 10 minutes of queueing (the only reason we were still there was because the hall-way was too small so we couldn't get back out!) my stomach began to ache due to me holding in this fart - so I bit the bullet and unleashed it as quietly and slowly as possible. It wasn't fully out of my arse yet and I knew it was going to be a corker. It was burning hot and I breathed a huge sigh of relief before taking a deep breath as I knew this bstard had the potential to kill. It took less than 10 seconds before the poor folk waiting in line got wind of this monster and they weren't shy in questioning their friends and family, asking if it was them who did this terrible deed. I could tell by my old man's glaze that he knew right away it was one of my specials. Not only that, but his, and everyone else's eyes began to water. I couldn't contol myself and began pissing myself laughing. Due to my laughter which meant my stomach tensed up, therefore enabled another few wee gunshot-esque farts to squeeze out, much to my amusement. The final 5 minutes in that never-ending queue were very uncomfortable, to say the least. I was crying!!! What a brilliantly told story! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pencils Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I can hold this escapade back no longer - my mates keep on bringing this story up, even to the extent of writing a song about it to the tune of 'Living on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi.Anyhoo - at the time of the whole sorry incident I was living in Falkirk but worked in and around Renfrewshire, travelling around each of our projects at the time and lugging with me a large laptop bag, stuffed full of drawings and stationery things. It was a Friday afternoon and I was looking forward to the weekend, one of my mates was coming up from Newcastle for the whole weekend with a big night out planned to start as soon as he got there and the weather was cracking. So leaving work that afternoon I felt great. I was leaving our site in Renfrew and felt the pangs of the need of a sit down toilet come over me, having quickly discounted the use of the site toilets I thought I'll be ok until I get home. Now bare in mind I had to get over the Kingston Bridge and back to Falkirk all on a usual Friday afternoon, but it was early afternoon and I was in bouyant mood. The trip back itself was ok- tunes on the CD player in the car were getting me in the mood for the weekend and all was going well - a slight tailback on the Kingston Bridge, but nothing that held me up too much. Onwards towards the M/A80 and I was through and past Cumbernauld until I had first remembered about my need for what felt like a rather large Michael Knight. I was ok though and thought about stopping at the services for about a second, quickly thought better of it, and kept on going. It wasn't until I reached the end of the motorway and started having to change up and down gear that I realised that all was not well in the bowel department and evacuation would have to commence soon. I was trying to avoid changing gear and ended up taking the slightly longer route home rather than a wee short cut through some housing estate to avoid any movement to the status quo and was dreaming of my arse touching the pretendy porcelan and the release that would give. As I turned towards home, there was a rather long queue at the roundabout and I was actually starting to squirm around in my seat in the car - which must have looked rather strange to anyone that was looking. Now, somehow, I realised that clutching my baws with one hand gave the sensation of the most relief to the situtation, which had started to look more and more like I would have to soil the seat of my recently new company car, imagine trying to explain that one. Still, I managed to get through the queue to the roundabout and turned into the access/parking lane at the rear of the block that my flat was in. Now the access road has just about enough room for a line of cars to park on it whilst allowing access for other cars passing by. If this was full there was a short drive to the street that sat paralell to the acess road that you could park on more easily, but a quick short cut on foot through the waste land between the two roads gave you an access route to the stairs to the back of the old fashioned flats. Just my luck the access road was full, I was driving and steering one-handed with the other hand clutching fiercely at my gonads and I was starting to sweat at this point. Should I just abondon the car here, blocking the road, and run up the three flights to the loo of my flat, or should I take the chance and park the car properly. The feeling of impending release subsided slightly so I quickly decided to drive onwards round to the other street and park there. I picked my heavy laptop bag out of my car and jacket and then felt the stomach clenching pain that I was about to shit myself. So there I was in the middle of the street in agony, I had one hand carrying the laptop and the other in my trouser pocket clutching my privates in a valiant attempt to avoid the unthinkable happening. The entire back of the building that my flat was in faces on to the waste ground, I was trying to look cool and casual but limped across, not wanting to risk running in case that upset things. How I managed to get up the first set of stairs I do not know and there I was at my front door, one hand still in my pocket the other searching for the keys. I managed to unlock the chib lock with the one hand but the bottom handle had stuck and the door wouldn't open. So I had one hand on the lock, one hand clutching my knob so i had to let go and then grab and open the handle as quick as possible.. at which moment the floodgates opened and the watery stinking mess that was festering in my arse flowed out..... I managed to get into the flat, quickly close the door behind me and drop the tweeds when another bout crept over me - projectile sh1tting is possible (I now know) the entrance hall was covered. But no matter no-one could see me now, I managed to get out of my shoes, trousers and boxers and climb the stairs and at long last reach the toilet. Major relief. The relief was soon to turn to terror as I thought I could here a key go into the front door and the familiar squeak of the door opening. Surely no, what timing.. ! The only other person in the world that had a key to my flat was my Mum, and as I quickly remembered was my mate from Newcastle who I had given a spare the last time he was up... the words 'Malky...'Don't Come In...... I've f'kin sh@t myself were barely shouted out of my mouth and I regretted them... Quite what his initial thoughts were as he pushed my trousers, shoes and boxers back with the door, smearing sh1te all over the floor I have no idea. A sorry sorry incident but the start of a cracking weekend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzyAKL Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 In Primary School i once done a multi-coloured Tom Tit. It was a mixture of purple, green, yellowy brown and the normal brown you would expect to find. Stood and looked at it in amazement for about 10 minutes afterwards.. bizarre! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 In Primary School i once done a multi-coloured Tom Tit. It was a mixture of purple, green, yellowy brown and the normal brown you would expect to find. Stood and looked at it in amazement for about 10 minutes afterwards.. bizarre! Fucking hell. Had you been eating plasticene?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzyAKL Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Theres a fairly high chance that the answer to that question is yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Saintee Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 This may be the best thread I've ever read. Quality. Yes, I've spent the last 2 hours reading it, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonofjenova Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Not quite sure of the rest of the song but the chorus goes...'Whoooooaaaaaaaaaaaaah He got halfway theeeere... wooooooooahd shh1teing on the Staaaaairrr' :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave258 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I've spent the last 2 days on a hair trigger bowel-wise. The liquid shite is pouring out of me faster than I can replace it with the equivalent water. I haven't shat myself as yet though, touch wood (or cloth I suppose). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboshandy Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I've spent the last 2 days on a hair trigger bowel-wise. The liquid shite is pouring out of me faster than I can replace it with the equivalent water.I haven't shat myself as yet though, touch wood (or cloth I suppose). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Westender Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I'm nearly in tears I'm laughing that much at this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClydeNewcomer Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 When was the last time someone had a jaggy jobby? You normally get one once every 10 years or so Or is it just me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I'm aniticipating this thread to be absolutely fantastic when the people going to T in The Park get back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Silver Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 When was the last time someone had a jaggy jobby?You normally get one once every 10 years or so Or is it just me? Every effing morning thanks to the old Duke of Argylls. Its like shiteing a samurai sword wielding hedgehog every day. Serves me right for laughing at my old mans piles when I was wee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoBNob Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Its like shiteing a samurai sword wielding hedgehog every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.