soti14 Posted June 7, 2009 Share Posted June 7, 2009 I have not, but I IMAGINE it would be better than having a shitty arse? Indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Kevin Of Kilsyth Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Once, with The Sun appropriately enough. I wiped my arse wae my school jotter once. Went in,loused one and there was nae bog roll. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsson. Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Anybody ever shat in a urinal? i did at the local swimmys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Kevin Of Kilsyth Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Some c**t did it at my school and it sat there for 2 days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deco Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Before I begin, I am confident in saying that I do the smelliest farts on this forum. Easily. I have yet to smell a Tony DeBart that is worse than my own. Seriously. If anyone wants to challenge me feel free however I have been told by at least 10, maybe 15 people that my arse is the worst they have ever inhaled. Anyway - to try and narrow my bombs down to my best has been an almighty challenge. But I have made my decision. Must have been a few years back now. I was down in Blackpool with my family for a few days. The weather was really nice and we were in the Blackpool Tower for the day. It was very stuffy inside, it was the kind of weather that folk were picking up leaflets and using them as makeshift fans. You've probably done it before. Anyway, there is a dinosaur tour ride thingy inside the Tower which my family and I had decided to go on. May as well - it was free! The queue was longer than expected and once we had been there for around 5 minutes I felt the urge to drop my arse. I knew this would have been an inexcusable act, not only would my family be mortified, but everyone was stuck in this tunnel-like hallway. It was very small and you could barely move - kind of like a German war-camp. I had decided against the idea of unleashing a putrid stink-bomb on the poor tourists as not only would it not go away, but the air was already very stuffy, never mind having to deal with the smell of s***e. After around 10 minutes of queueing (the only reason we were still there was because the hall-way was too small so we couldn't get back out!) my stomach began to ache due to me holding in this fart - so I bit the bullet and unleashed it as quietly and slowly as possible. It wasn't fully out of my arse yet and I knew it was going to be a corker. It was burning hot and I breathed a huge sigh of relief before taking a deep breath as I knew this bstard had the potential to kill. It took less than 10 seconds before the poor folk waiting in line got wind of this monster and they weren't shy in questioning their friends and family, asking if it was them who did this terrible deed. I could tell by my old man's glaze that he knew right away it was one of my specials. Not only that, but his, and everyone else's eyes began to water. I couldn't contol myself and began pissing myself laughing. Due to my laughter which meant my stomach tensed up, therefore enabled another few wee gunshot-esque farts to squeeze out, much to my amusement. The final 5 minutes in that never-ending queue were very uncomfortable, to say the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Before I begin, I am confident in saying that I do the smelliest farts on this forum. Easily. I have yet to smell a Tony DeBart that is worse than my own. Seriously. If anyone wants to challenge me feel free however I have been told by at least 10, maybe 15 people that my arse is the worst they have ever inhaled.Anyway - to try and narrow my bombs down to my best has been an almighty challenge. But I have made my decision. Must have been a few years back now. I was down in Blackpool with my family for a few days. The weather was really nice and we were in the Blackpool Tower for the day. It was very stuffy inside, it was the kind of weather that folk were picking up leaflets and using them as makeshift fans. You've probably done it before. Anyway, there is a dinosaur tour ride thingy inside the Tower which my family and I had decided to go on. May as well - it was free! The queue was longer than expected and once we had been there for around 5 minutes I felt the urge to drop my arse. I knew this would have been an inexcusable act, not only would my family be mortified, but everyone was stuck in this tunnel-like hallway. It was very small and you could barely move - kind of like a German war-camp. I had decided against the idea of unleashing a putrid stink-bomb on the poor tourists as not only would it not go away, but the air was already very stuffy, never mind having to deal with the smell of s***e. After around 10 minutes of queueing (the only reason we were still there was because the hall-way was too small so we couldn't get back out!) my stomach began to ache due to me holding in this fart - so I bit the bullet and unleashed it as quietly and slowly as possible. It wasn't fully out of my arse yet and I knew it was going to be a corker. It was burning hot and I breathed a huge sigh of relief before taking a deep breath as I knew this bstard had the potential to kill. It took less than 10 seconds before the poor folk waiting in line got wind of this monster and they weren't shy in questioning their friends and family, asking if it was them who did this terrible deed. I could tell by my old man's glaze that he knew right away it was one of my specials. Not only that, but his, and everyone else's eyes began to water. I couldn't contol myself and began pissing myself laughing. Due to my laughter which meant my stomach tensed up, therefore enabled another few wee gunshot-esque farts to squeeze out, much to my amusement. The final 5 minutes in that never-ending queue were very uncomfortable, to say the least. There are tears! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Hahn Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I wiped my arse wae my school jotter once. Went in,loused one and there was nae bog roll. You did a shit in school! Where I came from that was a serious no go territory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muggy Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 There are tears! More tears... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LinkinFighter Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 You did a shit in school! Where I came from that was a serious no go territory. Same here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallo_Madrid Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I wish i had a good shitting story, i really do. Best ive done is a shart in my bed when i was about 12 f**k*ng lame! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big River Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Before I begin, I am confident in saying that I do the smelliest farts on this forum. Easily. I have yet to smell a Tony DeBart that is worse than my own. Seriously. If anyone wants to challenge me feel free however I have been told by at least 10, maybe 15 people that my arse is the worst they have ever inhaled.Anyway - to try and narrow my bombs down to my best has been an almighty challenge. But I have made my decision. Must have been a few years back now. I was down in Blackpool with my family for a few days. The weather was really nice and we were in the Blackpool Tower for the day. It was very stuffy inside, it was the kind of weather that folk were picking up leaflets and using them as makeshift fans. You've probably done it before. Anyway, there is a dinosaur tour ride thingy inside the Tower which my family and I had decided to go on. May as well - it was free! The queue was longer than expected and once we had been there for around 5 minutes I felt the urge to drop my arse. I knew this would have been an inexcusable act, not only would my family be mortified, but everyone was stuck in this tunnel-like hallway. It was very small and you could barely move - kind of like a German war-camp. I had decided against the idea of unleashing a putrid stink-bomb on the poor tourists as not only would it not go away, but the air was already very stuffy, never mind having to deal with the smell of s***e. After around 10 minutes of queueing (the only reason we were still there was because the hall-way was too small so we couldn't get back out!) my stomach began to ache due to me holding in this fart - so I bit the bullet and unleashed it as quietly and slowly as possible. It wasn't fully out of my arse yet and I knew it was going to be a corker. It was burning hot and I breathed a huge sigh of relief before taking a deep breath as I knew this bstard had the potential to kill. It took less than 10 seconds before the poor folk waiting in line got wind of this monster and they weren't shy in questioning their friends and family, asking if it was them who did this terrible deed. I could tell by my old man's glaze that he knew right away it was one of my specials. Not only that, but his, and everyone else's eyes began to water. I couldn't contol myself and began pissing myself laughing. Due to my laughter which meant my stomach tensed up, therefore enabled another few wee gunshot-esque farts to squeeze out, much to my amusement. The final 5 minutes in that never-ending queue were very uncomfortable, to say the least. quality! I was taking a dump at TITP once (festival shits, never healthy). All was going well before I turned around and to my horror all the decent bog roll had gone and the tatty remains were all covered in piss. Luckily I had a packet of kleenex in my pocket. So I got up off the lavvy and proceeded to wipe ma pipe wi the crumpled up tissues. At this point the door flies open and there standin in front of me is a burd of about 25. She screams and shuts the door. All i heard from the outside was "theres a wee guy wipin his f**kin arse in there, had his baws oot n everythin!". I stayed in that bog for at least 10 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 quality!I was taking a dump at TITP once (festival shits, never healthy). All was going well before I turned around and to my horror all the decent bog roll had gone and the tatty remains were all covered in piss. Luckily I had a packet of kleenex in my pocket. So I got up off the lavvy and proceeded to wipe ma pipe wi the crumpled up tissues. At this point the door flies open and there standin in front of me is a burd of about 25. She screams and shuts the door. All i heard from the outside was "theres a wee guy wipin his f**kin arse in there, had his baws oot n everythin!". I stayed in that bog for at least 10 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Silver Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 There are tears! More tears here too, both at that story and your sig. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 More tears here too, both at that story and your sig. I'm working on the next sig Back on topic, and i've discovered today that taking the portions of veg thing per day thing too far can have ridiculously unpleasant results. I'm on a bit of a health kick (again) and have been having large portions of veg with my tea every night. Usually sweetcorn and peas. I've not long returned from my fourth chod bin visit since 3pm, and my arse is now in tatters. The first visit wasn't too bad, especially as it allowed me to skive work for a while in the shitter. However number two (how ironic) made it's intentions known halfway home from work, resulting in a fairly frenetic drive home, the car being abandoned on the street, and a short-stride sprint to my flat. Thankfully i just made it in time. That visit and the two since have seen a marked decrease in stool quality, to the extent that i feel like i've just excreted molten lava. Also, it's amazing how painful peas and sweetcorn are when being shat out at what feels like light speed. Every wipe, even with nice padded toilet paper was a horrendous but sadly necessary descent in arsecrack agony hell. Another visit (i hope to god not tonight) will almost certainly result in employment of a rubber ring for sitting purposes. Peas and sweetcorn aren't called tracer fire for nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gall09 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Before I begin, I am confident in saying that I do the smelliest farts on this forum. Easily. I have yet to smell a Tony DeBart that is worse than my own. Seriously. If anyone wants to challenge me feel free however I have been told by at least 10, maybe 15 people that my arse is the worst they have ever inhaled.Anyway - to try and narrow my bombs down to my best has been an almighty challenge. But I have made my decision. Must have been a few years back now. I was down in Blackpool with my family for a few days. The weather was really nice and we were in the Blackpool Tower for the day. It was very stuffy inside, it was the kind of weather that folk were picking up leaflets and using them as makeshift fans. You've probably done it before. Anyway, there is a dinosaur tour ride thingy inside the Tower which my family and I had decided to go on. May as well - it was free! The queue was longer than expected and once we had been there for around 5 minutes I felt the urge to drop my arse. I knew this would have been an inexcusable act, not only would my family be mortified, but everyone was stuck in this tunnel-like hallway. It was very small and you could barely move - kind of like a German war-camp. I had decided against the idea of unleashing a putrid stink-bomb on the poor tourists as not only would it not go away, but the air was already very stuffy, never mind having to deal with the smell of s***e. After around 10 minutes of queueing (the only reason we were still there was because the hall-way was too small so we couldn't get back out!) my stomach began to ache due to me holding in this fart - so I bit the bullet and unleashed it as quietly and slowly as possible. It wasn't fully out of my arse yet and I knew it was going to be a corker. It was burning hot and I breathed a huge sigh of relief before taking a deep breath as I knew this bstard had the potential to kill. It took less than 10 seconds before the poor folk waiting in line got wind of this monster and they weren't shy in questioning their friends and family, asking if it was them who did this terrible deed. I could tell by my old man's glaze that he knew right away it was one of my specials. Not only that, but his, and everyone else's eyes began to water. I couldn't contol myself and began pissing myself laughing. Due to my laughter which meant my stomach tensed up, therefore enabled another few wee gunshot-esque farts to squeeze out, much to my amusement. The final 5 minutes in that never-ending queue were very uncomfortable, to say the least. quality!I was taking a dump at TITP once (festival shits, never healthy). All was going well before I turned around and to my horror all the decent bog roll had gone and the tatty remains were all covered in piss. Luckily I had a packet of kleenex in my pocket. So I got up off the lavvy and proceeded to wipe ma pipe wi the crumpled up tissues. At this point the door flies open and there standin in front of me is a burd of about 25. She screams and shuts the door. All i heard from the outside was "theres a wee guy wipin his f**kin arse in there, had his baws oot n everythin!". I stayed in that bog for at least 10 minutes. This has to be one of the best threads ever. A few weeks ago, i was in my living room and my mum was sitting down and my dad was lying on the couch. Between trips to the fridge, i was making fart noises (blowing raspberries if you will) for no particular reason (i'm wacky like that). Anyway, on one trip back from the fridge i felt a genuine rasper brewing, and proceeded to fart about an inch from my dad's head, who had has back to me and didn't flinch as he thought it was just another noise. I fucked off to my room, and about 20 seconds later i heard a bellow of "The dirty wee b*****d!" as the smell made it's inevitable journey from his cranium to his nostrils. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoBNob Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 This has to be one of the best threads ever.A few weeks ago, i was in my living room and my mum was sitting down and my dad was lying on the couch. Between trips to the fridge, i was making fart noises (blowing raspberries if you will) for no particular reason (i'm wacky like that). Anyway, on one trip back from the fridge i felt a genuine rasper brewing, and proceeded to fart about an inch from my dad's head, who had has back to me and didn't flinch as he thought it was just another noise. I fucked off to my room, and about 20 seconds later i heard a bellow of "The dirty wee b*****d!" as the smell made it's inevitable journey from his cranium to his nostrils. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 This has to be one of the best threads ever.A few weeks ago, i was in my living room and my mum was sitting down and my dad was lying on the couch. Between trips to the fridge, i was making fart noises (blowing raspberries if you will) for no particular reason (i'm wacky like that). Anyway, on one trip back from the fridge i felt a genuine rasper brewing, and proceeded to fart about an inch from my dad's head, who had has back to me and didn't flinch as he thought it was just another noise. I fucked off to my room, and about 20 seconds later i heard a bellow of "The dirty wee b*****d!" as the smell made it's inevitable journey from his cranium to his nostrils. Magnificent My favourite trick when visiting Mum & Dad is dropping eye-melting silents and blaming their decrepit Labrador. Usually successful to the extent that the poor thing is dispatched to the garden for half an hour. Though sometimes i give the game away by dissolving into fits of childish laughter as my Dad's eyes start watering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raeboy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 I can hold this escapade back no longer - my mates keep on bringing this story up, even to the extent of writing a song about it to the tune of 'Living on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi. Anyhoo - at the time of the whole sorry incident I was living in Falkirk but worked in and around Renfrewshire, travelling around each of our projects at the time and lugging with me a large laptop bag, stuffed full of drawings and stationery things. It was a Friday afternoon and I was looking forward to the weekend, one of my mates was coming up from Newcastle for the whole weekend with a big night out planned to start as soon as he got there and the weather was cracking. So leaving work that afternoon I felt great. I was leaving our site in Renfrew and felt the pangs of the need of a sit down toilet come over me, having quickly discounted the use of the site toilets I thought I'll be ok until I get home. Now bare in mind I had to get over the Kingston Bridge and back to Falkirk all on a usual Friday afternoon, but it was early afternoon and I was in bouyant mood. The trip back itself was ok- tunes on the CD player in the car were getting me in the mood for the weekend and all was going well - a slight tailback on the Kingston Bridge, but nothing that held me up too much. Onwards towards the M/A80 and I was through and past Cumbernauld until I had first remembered about my need for what felt like a rather large Michael Knight. I was ok though and thought about stopping at the services for about a second, quickly thought better of it, and kept on going. It wasn't until I reached the end of the motorway and started having to change up and down gear that I realised that all was not well in the bowel department and evacuation would have to commence soon. I was trying to avoid changing gear and ended up taking the slightly longer route home rather than a wee short cut through some housing estate to avoid any movement to the status quo and was dreaming of my arse touching the pretendy porcelan and the release that would give. As I turned towards home, there was a rather long queue at the roundabout and I was actually starting to squirm around in my seat in the car - which must have looked rather strange to anyone that was looking. Now, somehow, I realised that clutching my baws with one hand gave the sensation of the most relief to the situtation, which had started to look more and more like I would have to soil the seat of my recently new company car, imagine trying to explain that one. Still, I managed to get through the queue to the roundabout and turned into the access/parking lane at the rear of the block that my flat was in. Now the access road has just about enough room for a line of cars to park on it whilst allowing access for other cars passing by. If this was full there was a short drive to the street that sat paralell to the acess road that you could park on more easily, but a quick short cut on foot through the waste land between the two roads gave you an access route to the stairs to the back of the old fashioned flats. Just my luck the access road was full, I was driving and steering one-handed with the other hand clutching fiercely at my gonads and I was starting to sweat at this point. Should I just abondon the car here, blocking the road, and run up the three flights to the loo of my flat, or should I take the chance and park the car properly. The feeling of impending release subsided slightly so I quickly decided to drive onwards round to the other street and park there. I picked my heavy laptop bag out of my car and jacket and then felt the stomach clenching pain that I was about to shit myself. So there I was in the middle of the street in agony, I had one hand carrying the laptop and the other in my trouser pocket clutching my privates in a valiant attempt to avoid the unthinkable happening. The entire back of the building that my flat was in faces on to the waste ground, I was trying to look cool and casual but limped across, not wanting to risk running in case that upset things. How I managed to get up the first set of stairs I do not know and there I was at my front door, one hand still in my pocket the other searching for the keys. I managed to unlock the chib lock with the one hand but the bottom handle had stuck and the door wouldn't open. So I had one hand on the lock, one hand clutching my knob so i had to let go and then grab and open the handle as quick as possible.. at which moment the floodgates opened and the watery stinking mess that was festering in my arse flowed out..... I managed to get into the flat, quickly close the door behind me and drop the tweeds when another bout crept over me - projectile sh1tting is possible (I now know) the entrance hall was covered. But no matter no-one could see me now, I managed to get out of my shoes, trousers and boxers and climb the stairs and at long last reach the toilet. Major relief. The relief was soon to turn to terror as I thought I could here a key go into the front door and the familiar squeak of the door opening. Surely no, what timing.. ! The only other person in the world that had a key to my flat was my Mum, and as I quickly remembered was my mate from Newcastle who I had given a spare the last time he was up... the words 'Malky...'Don't Come In...... I've f'kin sh@t myself were barely shouted out of my mouth and I regretted them... Quite what his initial thoughts were as he pushed my trousers, shoes and boxers back with the door, smearing sh1te all over the floor I have no idea. A sorry sorry incident but the start of a cracking weekend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugster Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 That's excellent - now please post the song lyrics! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Raeboy Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 That's excellent - now please post the song lyrics! Not quite sure of the rest of the song but the chorus goes... 'Whoooooaaaaaaaaaaaaah He got halfway theeeere... wooooooooahd shh1teing on the Staaaaairrr' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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