Shitting Stories

[Kris Boyd]

Last month I did a shit that looked exactly like a cock (or as close as a shit can look). It was the right shape and size, had a kind of thicker bit at the end for the bell end and even had a groove at the end for a wee japs eye. I was absolutely chuffed, I almost didn't want to flush or wipe my arse and hide this work of modern art with toilet paper. If my camera was working I would definitely have taken a picture of it.

has anyone ever posted any picture evidence on shitting stories?

[Benjamin_Nevis]

has anyone ever posted any picture evidence on shitting stories?

I don't think so. It'd be straight to NSFW if that happened.

However if you're needing a fix, there used to be a website called Rate My Poo or something. Dunno if it's still there. However, you probably shouldn't view anywhere around lunch/tea time

[Shelldon]

[Gaz]

Woke up this morning at half six for my morning pre-work run.

I'm about three kilometres into it when I feel a rumbling in my belly. Thinking it's just a fart, I push out, only to discover to my horror that it's a shart and I quickly realised that I needed the toilet and pronto.

Dived off the road to squat behind a bush. Pulled my shorts down, spread my cheeks and let go. Something approaching the consistency and temperature of molten lava squirted out onto the ground around my trainers. Luckily, my trainers and I remained skitter-free.

Pulled my shorts back up and continued my run for another hour. Got home and expected to find my boxers covered in poo but surprisingly there was nothing there. It must have all came out with no residue. Happy days!

[Gordon EF]

Woke up this morning at half six for my morning pre-work run.

I'm about three kilometres into it when I feel a rumbling in my belly. Thinking it's just a fart, I push out, only to discover to my horror that it's a shart and I quickly realised that I needed the toilet and pronto.

Dived off the road to squat behind a bush. Pulled my shorts down, spread my cheeks and let go. Something approaching the consistency and temperature of molten lava squirted out onto the ground around my trainers. Luckily, my trainers and I remained skitter-free.

Pulled my shorts back up and continued my run for another hour. Got home and expected to find my boxers covered in poo but surprisingly there was nothing there. It must have all came out with no residue. Happy days!

I had a similar experience a wee while ago. Pushed out what felt like a fart only to feel the stinging heat of liquid on my inner bum cheeks. I waddled to a toilet expecting to find an absolute mess in my boxers but apart from a damp arse, it was fine. The phantom shart is a real rollercoaster of emotion.

[Guest]

Has anyone played the game "Beer Centurian"? There was a crowd of us playing this in someones room upstairs at uni halls, there's a website that plays 100 music videos for exactly a minute each. Each time the video changes you take a shot of beer/cider/whatever, and 100 minutes later you're merry.

Anyway we're 80 odd minutes and shots in and all is going well when suddenly my stomach is rumbling like a mad b*****d, 80 shots of cheap, strong, strange coloured cider is taking it's toll on my digestive system. I say nothing because I don't want to quit and look like a pussy, but by 90/95 I'm straining like f**k to keep it in, the girl I'm next to is quite tidy and she probably wouldn't appreciate me shiting myself next to her. It gets to 100 and I run downstairs, trying with all my will to keep it in. I run into the bathroom and there's shite coming out before my arse has touched the pan, and it just keeps coming and coming.

When I'm finally done I look down, and it's actually a toilet bowl full of a Frosty Jacks coloured soup textered substance. I believe not may people have ever made a blueish green turd, but I have.

[Yoss]

oh good lord. I hadn't looked at this thread for a while and I've just read the rabbit story.

Outstanding.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

I went to a mates 21st in town a few Fridays ago. Much merriment was had in the halls before we all toddled off to Strathy Union.

Once in, I'm queuing at the bar and some student buys a tray of shots and turns around to give them out to his friends. I, being slightly drunk and a bit of a dick, decide to take one. He questions my actions and I drunkenly respond "I have a job, my tax paid for this " Whether he saw my point or not, he shrugged, me and his mates clinked glasses and a shot was consumed. Back to the queue. Next person orders some tequilas, so I leer over "Get us one mate," "err...why?" "because my tax pays for you to come here." Again he thinks about it, agrees and sends a shot my way.

I may have been drunk but I start to see a pattern emerging and take to hanging around the bar harrassing anyone I can grab the attention of, badgering them for drinks and generally being a prize cockend. Unfortunately for me as more and more free shots are consumed the more and more forceful my badgering becomes, and eventually someone takes offense and dobs me in to security, who promptly find me and escort me from the premises.

No problem, I thought. I'll phone my mate and get him to come out and rescue me... only my phone's not there, I'd left on my mates desk when I got changed. I'm now stranded, I have no clue where the halls are. I then figure the best bet is to ask passers by if they know my friend and try and get his number. So I set about slurring his name to anyone unfortunate enough to pass me.

Eventually I speak to this girl who says she doesn't know him however I am welcome to come back with her and facebook him. I don't have a facebook or even know how to work it, but she says she'll do it for me so off I toddle with her and her mates; two guys, two girls. It takes a good 20 minutes walk to get back and we're all talking, turns out one of the guys was a Thistle fan and one of the girls was as much a South Park freak as me, so we're all having a good laugh. Finally we get there and fire off a facebook message, to which my mates responds to pretty much straight away (thank f**k for Blackberrys) with his block and flat number. So she writes it down for me, I put it in my wallet and was about to set off when one of the guys asks if I would like to accompany them for pizza, beer and Fifa. Well I'm not refusing that, am I? Eventually the ladies retire to bed and we get out some vodka and we have some shots of that. However the extra beer and vodka now sees me uber-fucked. So I ask if I can sleep in their kitchen. Them also being fairly well cut, too cut to understand the ramifications of letting a stranger stay in their kitchen, agreed. My night was saved.

Next thing I know, I had just woken up. It was light outside and I had a massive headache but something was wrong. I'd gone to sleep with my breeks on, and now they were off, as were my boxers. I sit up in an attempt to find my boxers and see them in a neat pile on the floor, next to a tea towel caked in shit. "Nmmmm," I think. "I really should get rid of that" I get up and go to grab something to pick it up with, when I notice that there's several dried shit marks running down my leg. No worries, thinks I, and head to the sink to wash it off. After succesfully washing my legs I turn around to see a shit covered wire cage with it's roof slightly bent. I stumble over it and find the contents of the cage are also plastered with shit. Theres shit covered straw, a shit covered feeding bowl and one shit covered rabbit nonchalently munching a shit covered carrot

Needless to say I quickly put on my pants and ran out of there as fast as I could. I still expect one of them to remember my mates address and exact their revenge by coming round and shitting all over his beloved family pet, but they haven't as yet. I bet they won't be having any more strangers to stay though

How did i miss this one?

Fucking wonderful

[MP_MFC]

I'm pretty sure what just came out of my arse could have been scooped up, re-plated and served as tonight's dinner all over again. To say I'm nervous about the coming hours and attempting to sleep is an understatement.

It all started innocently, a lovely home-cooked meal by myself, John Torode's Thai Rendang, I can highly recommend it, about half an hour after polishing off the last of the meal I began to have some rumbles of discontent, not uncommon for me as I'm sure many people will empathise with, I put this down to just my usual behaviour. Curling up on the sofa to enjoy Match of the Day and the rumbles began to grow longer, louder and fluctuated between bassy and squeaky. I knew all was not well.

Then it happened.

The mad dash of a man who is destined for a date with the toilet, after suffering through the horror of waiting for my girlfriend's sister to finish her shower and taking what seemed like hours between turning off the shower and actually emerging from the bathroom, I finally was able to take refuge in the chamber of horrors.

The preliminary rounds were worryingly routine, leading me to wonder whether or not I had been a bit too fretful about my prospects, then it began. I'm sure we've all been there, when the torrent is unleashed. The heat, the feel, the sound all of which comes as a relief whilst at the same time disgust at what is happening down below and then the smell. Oh God the smell. This ordeal lasted a further 10 minutes, whereupon, convinced all was fine, I concluded my business, had a shower and got ready for bed.

I fear what I am experiencing now is simply a temporary ceasefire as the band is tuning up again, with every rumble and groan I dread that the next one is going to be the dreaded shart, an uncomfortable night is in store.

[Gordon EF]

These stories should be collected and published. I'm sure it would be a best-seller.

[Naught A Chance]

The rabbit cage story is possibly the best thing ive ever read.

[The Moonster]

How did i miss this one?

Fucking wonderful

Indeed

"I turn around to see a shit covered wire cage with it's roof slightly bent. I stumble over it and find the contents of the cage are also plastered with shit. Theres shit covered straw, a shit covered feeding bowl and one shit covered rabbit nonchalently munching a shit covered carrot"

Is the best thing I've read on these boards

[Tamdunk]

I was at connect festival waitin for my mates who were goin to the toilet. There was this really fucked lassie who stumbled into one of the toilets. After a wee while she came out again and she had a brown ring around her face!

[CM.]

Last night, about 5 minutes before EastEnders was starting, my stomach started rumbling in some discomfort. Felt something coming on so rushed throught to the toilet and made it in time with a split second to spare.

This shite was fucking vile. It didn't even look like shite, it just looked like a full packet of very soggy digestive biscuits erupted through my arse crack. Vile stuff.

Quite an astonishing achievement that I never blocked the toilet, giving the fact I had to use nearly a full toilet roll to clean up.

An even more astonishing achievement is that I still managed to make it back before EastEnders started.

[mattydfc]

Everybody loves a morning shit.

I know I do, well did, until yesterday. It started like any normal day, cereal, brush my teeth and get ready for the day ahead. But the start of this day was to cause major uncomfort and pain throughout the rest of the day.

I needed a shite the night before, but I was to tired to get up and plant the brown onion so I fell asleep with this bad boy still inside me. In the morning I awoke from my beauty sleep, and made way for the kitchen, I had just finished the breakfast and every other morning thing you can think of until I suddenly felt the wrath of the shite after being held prisoner overnight, this thing was coming whether I liked it or not. It would have been nice for some heads up that it was coming but no, nothing. As I scrambled for the toilet frantically untying my laces of my shorts (there is nothing more nerve racking than untying the laces or your belt in your trousers especially when there is a 4 tonne beast peering out of your arse) waiting to lay the beast. But the worst thing possible happens, a knot, so here I am standing at the side of the toilet trying to clench my cheeks together while trying to get a minor knot out, but a major inconvenience. After being doubled up for what seemed like an eternity but was 2 minutes in reality I managed to untie the knot and plant my arse on the seat with a great sigh.

Now I fully expected this to be a fast quick bowel movement but no, my bowels were after revenge, this wasn't the fast paced skittery jobbie I so wanted, no this was a long solid 10 incher. The worst thing was I could feel my insides bursting because I needed so bad, but this thing would not budge, it eventually poked it's head out and to get the tip out my arsehole must have quadrupled in size. An absolute monster if I have ever saw one. As I had gotten past the first 3 inches the width of the shite decreased and normal service resumed, this went past easily apart from the sweating and 'oohing and aahing' and obvcourse the ringsting. Once I had finished up standing up was hard, never mind wiping, I had to wet the toilet roll to try and soothe my ring it was that bad, I honestly thought it was on fire. It doesn't help when my Mum decides that Tesco's or Asda's own brand of toilet roll is a better deal than some beautiful quilted scented stuff that you usually get. I never got the saying "toilet roll was like fucking sandpaper" until now.

After my shit I waddled away still in pain from the previous 20 minutes. No more than a minute after leaving the bathroom I felt my stomach move, I pleaded to Jesus, no more, and luckily there was no more, only a fart. When I realised it was just a fart I casually let it rip without a care in the world. Big mistake. This angered the ringsting making it almost unbearable and physically reduced me to tears.

That's right a fart reduced me to tears.

The moral of that story, go to the toilet before bed.

[Kris Boyd]

In response to Matty, I did go for a shite before bed last night.... glad I did now.

[number one wasp]

Everybody loves a morning shit.

I know I do, well did, until yesterday. It started like any normal day, cereal, brush my teeth and get ready for the day ahead. But the start of this day was to cause major uncomfort and pain throughout the rest of the day.

I needed a shite the night before, but I was to tired to get up and plant the brown onion so I fell asleep with this bad boy still inside me. In the morning I awoke from my beauty sleep, and made way for the kitchen, I had just finished the breakfast and every other morning thing you can think of until I suddenly felt the wrath of the shite after being held prisoner overnight, this thing was coming whether I liked it or not. It would have been nice for some heads up that it was coming but no, nothing. As I scrambled for the toilet frantically untying my laces of my shorts (there is nothing more nerve racking than untying the laces or your belt in your trousers especially when there is a 4 tonne beast peering out of your arse) waiting to lay the beast. But the worst thing possible happens, a knot, so here I am standing at the side of the toilet trying to clench my cheeks together while trying to get a minor knot out, but a major inconvenience. After being doubled up for what seemed like an eternity but was 2 minutes in reality I managed to untie the knot and plant my arse on the seat with a great sigh.

Now I fully expected this to be a fast quick bowel movement but no, my bowels were after revenge, this wasn't the fast paced skittery jobbie I so wanted, no this was a long solid 10 incher. The worst thing was I could feel my insides bursting because I needed so bad, but this thing would not budge, it eventually poked it's head out and to get the tip out my arsehole must have quadrupled in size. An absolute monster if I have ever saw one. As I had gotten past the first 3 inches the width of the shite decreased and normal service resumed, this went past easily apart from the sweating and 'oohing and aahing' and obvcourse the ringsting. Once I had finished up standing up was hard, never mind wiping, I had to wet the toilet roll to try and soothe my ring it was that bad, I honestly thought it was on fire. It doesn't help when my Mum decides that Tesco's or Asda's own brand of toilet roll is a better deal than some beautiful quilted scented stuff that you usually get. I never got the saying "toilet roll was like fucking sandpaper" until now.

After my shit I waddled away still in pain from the previous 20 minutes. No more than a minute after leaving the bathroom I felt my stomach move, I pleaded to Jesus, no more, and luckily there was no more, only a fart. When I realised it was just a fart I casually let it rip without a care in the world. Big mistake. This angered the ringsting making it almost unbearable and physically reduced me to tears.

That's right a fart reduced me to tears.

The moral of that story, go to the toilet before bed.

Brilliant.

[well fan for life]

It doesn't help when my Mum decides that Tesco's or Asda's own brand of toilet roll is a better deal than some beautiful quilted scented stuff that you usually get. I never got the saying "toilet roll was like fucking sandpaper" until now.

Cheap toilet paper is the invention of the devil.

When I was in Zante during the summer, on day 4 of my week there I suffered the backlash of the preceding days drinking vodka, fruit juice and strongbow.

This shit was just like foam, and it was endless. I was squeezing it out for about 15 minutes solid.

And the smell, oh my day, the smell. It was the most horrific smell ever.

Then came the worst part, this shit felt like it was hotter than the sun. The ringsting I was having was just hideous. And then I had to wipe. With the cheapest, roughest, most painful toilet paper you can imagine. My eyes were watering.

I had to go take a half hour lie down in the foetal position to get over it.

[Sergeant Wilson]

Cheap toilet paper is the invention of the devil.

When I was in Zante during the summer, on day 4 of my week there I suffered the backlash of the preceding days drinking vodka, fruit juice and strongbow.

This shit was just like foam, and it was endless. I was squeezing it out for about 15 minutes solid.

And the smell, oh my day, the smell. It was the most horrific smell ever.

Then came the worst part, this shit felt like it was hotter than the sun. The ringsting I was having was just hideous. And then I had to wipe. With the cheapest, roughest, most painful toilet paper you can imagine. My eyes were watering.

I had to go take a half hour lie down in the foetal position to get over it.

Foamy Greek shit, was it orangey coloured? I was in Rhodes a couple of weeks ago and I had that. It's different from the usual foriegn Gary Glitters. I was never ill, but you don't get much warning. Poolside farts were out of the question.

[yoda]

Up until this morning, I hadn't shit in three or so days - I had really noticed that until last night when just before I went to bed I thought "Hmm I haven't shit in a few days I wonder what's up?". I'm not one to try and force out a shit, I just answer when nature calls and release the shit when it wants to be released. It don't dare try and remove it's free will, I respect it and hopefully it respects me back - it's a cosy wee relationship. However this relationship could well be over, war is close to being declared after the events of this morning at roughly 0800 hours.

I awoke ready for the day ahead, my first day at uni which involved lectures. "I don't wish to be late today", I thought to myself. My bowels must have heard me and perhaps they had other plans. I don't know the full details of their plan and I probably never will, but I felt the full force of their power today.

I wandered to my bathroom for a pre-shower and pre-breakfast piss. As I relived myself and whistled "These Boots Are made For Walking" by Nancy Sinatra (cracking tune by the way), I felt a twinge in my bowels. The first fart of the day emerged, closely followed by another one, and then another slightly wet sounding one. This was a warning alarm, a shot across the bow if you like, but in my foolishness and naivety this warning went unheeded . I turned to exit the bathroom and thanked my lucky stars that I have to turn my arse over the toilet seat for me to exit the bathroom after a piss because what happened next was undesirable, but I will do my best to describe it you, the readers and fellow proud shitters of P&B. A shite blitzkrieg is all I can do to try and paint the (rather messy) picture of what happened in the opening stages. Guderian himself would have been proud of this perfectly executed attack, I had no reply for 5 or 6 minutes as my arsehole was torn to pieces by a mix of liquid shit and incendiary shit pellets, these were used in conjunction with the horrific smell and the splash-back that I was receiving. Sometimes a bit of splash-back can be okay when it soothes the arse, but not today. The water that was splashing up was essentially shit, it was a rich mahogany colour and it felt like sulphuric acid was being sprayed over my now tender arse. After the initial furious attack had died down and after the tears and stopped flowing down my cheeks (on my face but I wish they had been flowing down the cheeks of my arse), I dared to try and wipe. I bad move. It's an old and often over used cliche that the toilet paper felt like sandpaper, so i won't use that. It felt like razor wire. After a minute or so of painful wiping, I was hit by another wave of bowel twinges. I sat on my porcelain throne and held tight, I was going to take this like a man, I wasn't going down begging for mercy......

I did. God damn me I did. Saturation bombing this time, medium sized shits dropped out at will without facing any resistance, my arsehole was taking more pain than George Michael's will in his entire prison stretch. I couldn't let out any noise though, I could not let others know of what was going on - this was my battle and no one else needed to have any involvement. After a few minutes (keeping track of the time was the last thing on my mind) there was a lull. I waved my white flag and it seemed as though my bowels had seen enough, even they couldn't put through anymore. Right? Wrong! These preliminary stages must have been attempting to lubricate my arse for the main event, the grand finale. Something was coming and I had an idea what it was. The biggest fucking shit I have ever pushed out arrived without warning. After 7 minutes of pushing and straining - and ultimately, pain - "Little Boy" (as I christened it, it was the least I could do for this monumental shit) was dropped with an enormous "SPLASH". I wasn't even allowed to wipe the sweat from my brow when another one of these big fuckers came along. Fittingly I christened this one "Fat Man". After more sweat, tears and toil (thankfully no blood) this one was dropped. There will be small islands in the Pacific Ocean that have been lost because of the tsunami caused by the splash created by "Fat Man". This was it, a ceasefire had now been called. It was all over, almost 45 minutes after it had started. I wiped carefully as to not cause anymore damage to my tender and fragile bum. I then proceeded to have a cold shower to try and cool my body down after the struggle beasting I had received.

I still managed to get to my lecture in time. However I sat through two today in fear, my arse cheeks clenched together tighter than a virgin's fanny. The smell is still in my bathroom and my window is wide open in case any penetrates my room, it will serve as a reminder of the events of Tuesday September 28th, 2010 AD for a while to come (not even Oust can defeat this smell and I don't want to try anymore just incase I gas myself). The scars however, will never heal. The events of today will last long in my mind and my arsehole.