Shitting Stories

[youroldda]

Had severe constipation a couple of weeks ago so much so that after 3 days of blue in the face hole persuading to no avail, I was seriously contemplating contacting the hospital to see about a Cesarean,

But luckily later that day something resembling a couch being ripped out my arse put pay to that idea,

my arse still hasn't recovered ,its been two weeks now but an elephant could shove its leg up my hole and I wouldn't feel it.

[archie guevara]

Don't really read this thread much, but yesterday I had a fun time at work playing Sink the Bismarck with a floater left by the last guy. Think he'd been eating corks mixed with polystyrene but I was determined to break it up and flush it.

[gorilla]

Well, I have just recently gotten over a wee bit of the constipation, well being bunged for 5 days with out much movement has been a little painful. Over the course of my "illness" I was at the toilet trying to force out what was sitting in my shit reservoir but never got anything out of it despite a painful arse and stomach. Nothing unusual in not going for a couple of days so didn't think much about it until day 3 when my visit to the birthing chamber resulted in another false alarm. Still bunged I decided I better take something to try and get this monster out, so off to Sainsbury's it was for some fresh orange juice and a few other vital supplies for when the time come, namely toilet paper and some reading material. That was fine I was now prepared for all eventualities, got home had some of the juice and sat watching telly also had some fresh mints as well.

After about an hour I started to get the feeling that the Brown Torpedo was ready to launch so picked up the paper and made my way to the bog, trousers and boxers down I was sitting there reading my paper and given some nice squeezes trying to launch the Torpedo but after a good 15 minutes of trying I had to give up as I couldn't take any more, sweating and sore I pulled the boxers and trousers up and freshened my self up a bit before going back to watch the telly. Later on decided that after my earlier efforts I needed a good soak in the bath to relax and hopefully encourage this huge bomb to part company with my bomb bay, Thought it had worked as I got the twinge of needing to go so got on the throne and was ready for it, started squeezing and rocking from side to side to see if that would help. This went on for a good 5 minutes and then out of no where I let out a mighty rumble of a fart, now this was loud and the toilet only helped to amplify the sound and it didn't need amplifying! This was an almighty roar that my downstairs neighbour heard. After that fart went roaring off I was consumed by what can only be described as the smell of death, this was bad, very bad, I was now feeling that my insides had died, so got up and opened the window to try and get some much needed Oxygen, once I done that and semi-recovered from the putrid smell I had a wee look and see if anything did arrive, as I wasn't feeling as blocked as I was and all I seen was one wee rock. Proceeded to wipe my butt and get dressed. Day 3 and all I have for may pain is a wee shite that was no bigger than a ping-pong ball and the loudest and god damn awful smelling fart of my life which I must say is quite an achievement as to be asked by your neighbour the next day if I heard a loud noise the night before, I had no choice but to say I heard nothing, I certainly wasn't owning up to being the producer of said noise.

Day 4 of the shit in: I got up as usual felt this almighty heaviness in my stomach and thought today must be the day that this beast makes an appearance. Had my breakfast as usual (in fact I didn't stop eating during the whole shit in) had the remainder of the Orange Juice got ready to go out into town to do some shopping just as I was leaving I got the rumbles that had my running to the toilet thinking that I was going to finally get rid of this alien shite. But again after about 15 minutes of sitting on the throne nothing appeared only let out some more of the foul smelling gasses but this time without the almighty thunder clap of the previous evening. So without any movement I got up and made my way to get the bus, now at this point it was actually rather uncomfortable for me to sit down for any length of time due to the invasion of my arse of this shy shite. When I was in town I decided I would go for a large coffee as coffee does tend to make me need a shite. After my coffee I went off shopping but successfully managed to get around the town and do my shopping without getting the urge to run to the toilet, however I hope the staff (and customers) of a well known music shop in town could put up with the slightly iffy present I delivered, unfortunately for them I let out a wee silent fart and well it was deadly, so bad in fact that I quickly left the scene and headed for the bus home. Got home and went the rest of the day in discomfort as I was unable to sit as I was now feeling a rather full pain. By now I was seriously thinking of phoning the doctor and saying that I really needed help as I have a cataclysmic shite that I want rid of but it is refusing to budge. I decided I would leave it to the following day to get help as it was late and no doubt I would end up sitting in A&E for god knows how long with an arse that could kill anyone in the room if it let out any more of the putrid gasses that it had been letting off earlier in the day. Decided to have some more Orange Juice before bed went to bed early as when I was lying down I wasn't in pain.

Day 5, D-Day: I was up early as I had to be at college for 9. Felt a little better and was finding it not to bad sitting down so decided that a visit to the doctor/hospital wasn't needed. So I had some more Orange Juice and headed off to College in the car. Arrived and had another coffee. No movements were felt until I was in my second class of the day and then I got the severe pains of needing to go to the toilet and I mean sever I knew this was the moment I have been waiting 5 days for, I got up and started to make my way to the college bogs, I was once again letting off the most putrid silent farts as I walked. I got to the toilet and realised I had no reading material but it was to late to find some. I no sooner had my back side bared to the toilet bowl and the contractions started, the first was assisted with a little push and it hurt, the next one came and out shot, what can only be described as a mega-shite this thing was solid it must have been to part my sphincter the 2 inches that it did. when it his the water I was thankful for the splash. Soon after Torpedo 1 was launched torpedoes 2, 3 and 4 entered the water. That was the end of my constipation and it ended in epic style and I felt as light as air afterwards. I precoded to get up and do the customary wipe of the arse and inspection of my production and I was impressed I managed to deposit 4 nice sized logs into the pond and upon wiping of the arse there was no trace of any action. I was now faced with an all new dilemma I tried flushing my productions away but nothing budged, so here I am in a toilet cubical at college with a toilet pan full of my glorious productions that won't go away, do I try again or just sod off. I opted for the sod off option was I f**k hanging around trying to flush my masterpiece let others enjoy it, besides which I didn't want to run the risk of being spotted at being the barer of the un-flushable jobbies. So off I went back to my class feeling a good bit lighter than I did when I left 20 minutes earlier.

[FBadgers]

3 years back i was out in use working for camp america. Staying out in the woods for 9 weeks sure was a lot of fun, but as you can imagine toilets were a bit rank, especially when sharing them with about 40 odd 8-14 year olds, one of whom deciding on one occasion to smear a stool over a shower cubicle wall and leave the remnants on the top of that stall. The main issue was of course blockage, and i for the first 8 weeks managed to avoid blocking the lavvies myself, however...

As a rule, best time for a crap is when you have an hour off, because kids are at activities and the toilets are quiet. So along i went, and as luck would have it, i got an empty room (6 cubicles in it) and also got the only stall with a lock. Hooray even if someone entered, no danger of the door being ripped open.

As i finished my big crap, i did hear some footsteps enter the room, and enter a cubicles opposite. No big deal i thought as i flushed and blocked the toilet. The water turned brown and a log swirled around on top. I thought " well only 1 person around" so i can get away with this. I unlocked, opened the door, and standing waiting on me ocming out was an attractive Ukrainian girl who was in charge of the laundry at the camp, and she took this moment to replenish the toilet rolls in each cubicle.

I was mortified put my arm over her shoulder and suggested she joined me sunbathing. She walked a bit away frm the cubicle with me, but it was clear she wanted to get the job done. I watched my hands thinking " dont go in there, dont go in there"

She went in..i put my head in my hands and quickly hurried off, and avoided her for a while.

Damm what were the odds, of all the blockages in the camp, i caused one, and it was spotted by an attractive girl!! Argh!

[Wardy]

In Florida last year I probably had thee worst Shitting story ever. We were going on a trip to the Kennedy Space centre, which is quite a bit out from International Drive. So we get on the bus and everythings fine..then when we get to one of the stops to pick up people from various hotels, I had to go. Christ, I had never been on a bus before, but this was not gonna hold. So nervously I go to open the toilet door at the back of the bus. It won't open. f**k. So I head down to the driver.."hey is there a key for the toilet? " He replies: "hey buddy, nah not a key, but you'll open the door with this", and hands over a nickel. As I walked back he shouts " The flush ain't workin too good, so just a number 1 man! "

SHIT!!! So I was like well f**k it, I'll see what happens. Gets the door open. Worst toilet I've ever seen. Has anyone actually tried to take a shit on a bus? Its one of the worst things ever. So after going (Runny shitey horribleness) I reach for the paper...nope not any...zilch. Oh christ what the f**k am I gonna do? I search in my pockets for wrappers or anything. Nothing. Running out of Ideas, I have a wee nose in the bin..where there is some used tissues. It's that or the hand I thought and just went through with it.

Worst experience of my life!! As soon as I got to Kennedy, I went again and sat for a good half an hour shitting my load...and cretaing a massive queue in the process.

[Poet of the Macabre]

In Florida last year I probably had thee worst Shitting story ever. We were going on a trip to the Kennedy Space centre, which is quite a bit out from International Drive. So we get on the bus and everythings fine..then when we get to one of the stops to pick up people from various hotels, I had to go. Christ, I had never been on a bus before, but this was not gonna hold. So nervously I go to open the toilet door at the back of the bus. It won't open. f**k. So I head down to the driver.."hey is there a key for the toilet? " He replies: "hey buddy, nah not a key, but you'll open the door with this", and hands over a nickel. As I walked back he shouts " The flush ain't workin too good, so just a number 1 man! "

SHIT!!! So I was like well f**k it, I'll see what happens. Gets the door open. Worst toilet I've ever seen. Has anyone actually tried to take a shit on a bus? Its one of the worst things ever. So after going (Runny shitey horribleness) I reach for the paper...nope not any...zilch. Oh christ what the f**k am I gonna do? I search in my pockets for wrappers or anything. Nothing. Running out of Ideas, I have a wee nose in the bin..where there is some used tissues. It's that or the hand I thought and just went through with it.

Worst experience of my life!! As soon as I got to Kennedy, I went again and sat for a good half an hour shitting my load...and cretaing a massive queue in the process.

Shitting on a bus is only narrowly worse than shitting on a train. Especially with those electronic doors that slowly slide open, making it seem like you're a fucking prize on the The Price is Right.

[Wardy]

Thankfully never been on a train! But Christ the pain that day was horrible!

[Jacksgranda]

Shitting on a bus is only narrowly worse than shitting on a train. Especially with those electronic doors that slowly slide open, making it seem like you're a fucking prize on the The Price is Right.

Yes, particularly when they open while you are still in the "act".

Happened to me, but fortunately I was only having a pee.

Bit disconcerting, all the same.

Carry on with the stories, great read.

[paul-r-cfc]

Oh dear god I love this thread

[CM.]

I missed the bus home from college so need to wait an hour for the next one. I just spent the last 15 minutes with my arse over the pan reading over Electronic Circuit notes. It was intriguing to say the least.

[Muggy]

Why do I never produce these kinds of shites?

[Nick_BCFC]

I've been reluctant to tell this story a while before seeing how my house mate got on at the docs.

I came home from work one night and went upstairs to get changed and went in the bog for a quick slash. The bathroom wreaked of shit but its not the most uncommon thing after my house mate has been in there. I held my breath and looked down the pisser as I aimed into the toilet. I noticed what appeared to be blood stained on the side of the toilet. I assumed it must have been from one of the girls who were round at weekend on their blood week. I managed to piss most of it off and then let the flush take care of the rest.

After i'd left the bathroom I heard a sniffing coming from my mates room. I opened the door fully to mock him for what sounded like sobbing. He was led on his bed with his pants half way down his ankles clutching a bloodied white towel next to his arse.

"FUCKIN HELL - HAVE YOU BEEN RAPED??" I yelled at him in disbelief at what I was seeing.

"f**k OFF" followed by more outbursts that I made out he'd just done a massive shit and his arsehole started to bleed.

I waited downstairs for a bit, quite concerned, before he reappeared. He said he'd just gone to the bog and shit loads of blood along with his turd. He'd been complaining about his arse ealier in the week but said it seemed to be getting better and must just have been a dodgy kebab from the weekend.

Anyhow, he books himself in at the docs the next day & they go and give him a fingering like they do. He was sent to the hospital straight away and nearly had to have arse surgery. Turns out he has a blood clot right up the arsehole. They gave him these weird things he had to stick up there to numb the pain and he was sat on ice for the next week. He went back for a check up and it had gone down a lot this clot so for now he's avoided being knifed up the hole but he's been complaining about it again recently so it might happen.

He's now having to eat healthy in case it comes back but some of his shitting stories have been horrific these past few weeks.

Though this isn't a story of my own, seeing what happened when he was on his bed and it looked like a raping, this must been one of the most disgusting shits ever done.

[Shawfield Stallion]

I went to a mates 21st in town a few Fridays ago. Much merriment was had in the halls before we all toddled off to Strathy Union.

Once in, I'm queuing at the bar and some student buys a tray of shots and turns around to give them out to his friends. I, being slightly drunk and a bit of a dick, decide to take one. He questions my actions and I drunkenly respond "I have a job, my tax paid for this " Whether he saw my point or not, he shrugged, me and his mates clinked glasses and a shot was consumed. Back to the queue. Next person orders some tequilas, so I leer over "Get us one mate," "err...why?" "because my tax pays for you to come here." Again he thinks about it, agrees and sends a shot my way.

I may have been drunk but I start to see a pattern emerging and take to hanging around the bar harrassing anyone I can grab the attention of, badgering them for drinks and generally being a prize cockend. Unfortunately for me as more and more free shots are consumed the more and more forceful my badgering becomes, and eventually someone takes offense and dobs me in to security, who promptly find me and escort me from the premises.

No problem, I thought. I'll phone my mate and get him to come out and rescue me... only my phone's not there, I'd left on my mates desk when I got changed. I'm now stranded, I have no clue where the halls are. I then figure the best bet is to ask passers by if they know my friend and try and get his number. So I set about slurring his name to anyone unfortunate enough to pass me.

Eventually I speak to this girl who says she doesn't know him however I am welcome to come back with her and facebook him. I don't have a facebook or even know how to work it, but she says she'll do it for me so off I toddle with her and her mates; two guys, two girls. It takes a good 20 minutes walk to get back and we're all talking, turns out one of the guys was a Thistle fan and one of the girls was as much a South Park freak as me, so we're all having a good laugh. Finally we get there and fire off a facebook message, to which my mates responds to pretty much straight away (thank f**k for Blackberrys) with his block and flat number. So she writes it down for me, I put it in my wallet and was about to set off when one of the guys asks if I would like to accompany them for pizza, beer and Fifa. Well I'm not refusing that, am I? Eventually the ladies retire to bed and we get out some vodka and we have some shots of that. However the extra beer and vodka now sees me uber-fucked. So I ask if I can sleep in their kitchen. Them also being fairly well cut, too cut to understand the ramifications of letting a stranger stay in their kitchen, agreed. My night was saved.

Next thing I know, I had just woken up. It was light outside and I had a massive headache but something was wrong. I'd gone to sleep with my breeks on, and now they were off, as were my boxers. I sit up in an attempt to find my boxers and see them in a neat pile on the floor, next to a tea towel caked in shit. "Nmmmm," I think. "I really should get rid of that" I get up and go to grab something to pick it up with, when I notice that there's several dried shit marks running down my leg. No worries, thinks I, and head to the sink to wash it off. After succesfully washing my legs I turn around to see a shit covered wire cage with it's roof slightly bent. I stumble over it and find the contents of the cage are also plastered with shit. Theres shit covered straw, a shit covered feeding bowl and one shit covered rabbit nonchalently munching a shit covered carrot

Needless to say I quickly put on my pants and ran out of there as fast as I could. I still expect one of them to remember my mates address and exact their revenge by coming round and shitting all over his beloved family pet, but they haven't as yet. I bet they won't be having any more strangers to stay though

[Lang Toun Lad]

That is some fucking bombshell, man!

I thought it was just going to be an average story until that. Brutal!

[Mr Hahn]

This is the most cringeworthy yet magnificent thing I've ever read. I sat in work the other day and really did get f**k all done after reading this.

[Benjamin_Nevis]

I went to a mates 21st in town a few Fridays ago. Much merriment was had in the halls before we all toddled off to Strathy Union.

Once in, I'm queuing at the bar and some student buys a tray of shots and turns around to give them out to his friends. I, being slightly drunk and a bit of a dick, decide to take one. He questions my actions and I drunkenly respond "I have a job, my tax paid for this " Whether he saw my point or not, he shrugged, me and his mates clinked glasses and a shot was consumed. Back to the queue. Next person orders some tequilas, so I leer over "Get us one mate," "err...why?" "because my tax pays for you to come here." Again he thinks about it, agrees and sends a shot my way.

I may have been drunk but I start to see a pattern emerging and take to hanging around the bar harrassing anyone I can grab the attention of, badgering them for drinks and generally being a prize cockend. Unfortunately for me as more and more free shots are consumed the more and more forceful my badgering becomes, and eventually someone takes offense and dobs me in to security, who promptly find me and escort me from the premises.

No problem, I thought. I'll phone my mate and get him to come out and rescue me... only my phone's not there, I'd left on my mates desk when I got changed. I'm now stranded, I have no clue where the halls are. I then figure the best bet is to ask passers by if they know my friend and try and get his number. So I set about slurring his name to anyone unfortunate enough to pass me.

Eventually I speak to this girl who says she doesn't know him however I am welcome to come back with her and facebook him. I don't have a facebook or even know how to work it, but she says she'll do it for me so off I toddle with her and her mates; two guys, two girls. It takes a good 20 minutes walk to get back and we're all talking, turns out one of the guys was a Thistle fan and one of the girls was as much a South Park freak as me, so we're all having a good laugh. Finally we get there and fire off a facebook message, to which my mates responds to pretty much straight away (thank f**k for Blackberrys) with his block and flat number. So she writes it down for me, I put it in my wallet and was about to set off when one of the guys asks if I would like to accompany them for pizza, beer and Fifa. Well I'm not refusing that, am I? Eventually the ladies retire to bed and we get out some vodka and we have some shots of that. However the extra beer and vodka now sees me uber-fucked. So I ask if I can sleep in their kitchen. Them also being fairly well cut, too cut to understand the ramifications of letting a stranger stay in their kitchen, agreed. My night was saved.

Next thing I know, I had just woken up. It was light outside and I had a massive headache but something was wrong. I'd gone to sleep with my breeks on, and now they were off, as were my boxers. I sit up in an attempt to find my boxers and see them in a neat pile on the floor, next to a tea towel caked in shit. "Nmmmm," I think. "I really should get rid of that" I get up and go to grab something to pick it up with, when I notice that there's several dried shit marks running down my leg. No worries, thinks I, and head to the sink to wash it off. After succesfully washing my legs I turn around to see a shit covered wire cage with it's roof slightly bent. I stumble over it and find the contents of the cage are also plastered with shit. Theres shit covered straw, a shit covered feeding bowl and one shit covered rabbit nonchalently munching a shit covered carrot

Needless to say I quickly put on my pants and ran out of there as fast as I could. I still expect one of them to remember my mates address and exact their revenge by coming round and shitting all over his beloved family pet, but they haven't as yet. I bet they won't be having any more strangers to stay though

I am almost in tears reading that. Fantastic

[Guest]

When I was travelling abroad I ate some dodgy food.Didnt think anything of it as it tasted lovely but that night I shat the bed in my sleep. It was just pure water that came out, woke up all flustered and ran down to the toilet and spent about 4 hours on it , shitting and spewing at the same time. I had completely lost all control of my body, there was just an endless stream of liguid coming out of me.

Finaly it seemed to be over and I cleaned all the vomit and shit off me and changed my bedsheets and prepared to try to get some sleep. Then , remembering that a dose of the skitters makes you dehydrated I thought it would be a good idea to have a glass of water. So i had one glass of water and suddenly the ordeal started all over again , my stomach rumbled and the same horrible watery shitty liquid came gushing out like and erupting volcano , covering the newly changed sheets in keech yet again.

I lost about two stone in two days as a result of that experience , and can safely say it was the worst night of my life.

This happened to me last night. It truly was one of the worst experiences I've ever had, I just wanted to be put out of my misery!

[Guest]

I had this horrible few days where i just wasn't shiting at all. It's not like constipation where you can feel the thing but it won't come out, any food I was eating was just sitting in my stomach making me feel unwell. I put it down to eating too much processed rubbish so on the second day just ate things like outcakes and muesli, things that make you shite. A couple of days doing this and on the fourth day the moment finally arrived. I just sat there and it was one of those trap door jobbies, where you give it a wee nudge and it all flies out at once.

The relief was great but it was instantly noticeable how revolting it smelled, especially in my small bathroom with no windows. I flushed the toilet instantly, figuring I'd be wiping my arse for a while and the longer that disgusting mess was in the room the worse it would smell. There I am actually holding back the sick because of the smell and slowly and carefully going about wiping my arse so I don't get any on my hands, when there is a knock on the door. I knew I couldn't say anything as when the person goes in after me they'd know it was me and forever associate me with the smell of my shite, so kept silent. The person kept knocking and started asking "is there somebody in there", it was a girl I live with. I had to say "I'll be out in a bit", thus identifying myself as the jobbie culprit.

Two minutes later I flushed again and ran through to my room, before hearing the toilet door opening and being locked. I've never felt such shame as the moment I heard that girl dry boking from across the hall.

[well fan for life]

On Monday night I was working 6-10, but had been busy during the day in town so couldn't go and drop the weans off at the pool.

It's about 5.57 and I go for a quick slash before I start my shift. While at the urinal reading the grafitti scrawled on the wall (apparently GW's maw's a c**t) I let out a silent fart that must have lasted a good 5 seconds. Now, it may well have been silent, but fucking hell the smell was honestly enough to kill small animals. The UN would've had me sanctioned for producing such harmful gas.

I felt a wee twinge and thought "Acht, I'll be fine. It's only 4 hours." This was an uncomfortable 4 hours.

It's about 8.30, I'm standing in the kiosk myself and the store was absolutely dead. Not a customer in sight. I feel a bit of pain from holding in the horrific farts. So I let a sneaky silent one go. Bad move. If anything it smelled worse than before. Then while the smell is at it's peak, in walks an old woman to buy fags. Now, she never said anything about the smell. But her face said a thousand words. It was a look of sickening disgust at this cloud I'd laid down.

9.55 pm. 5 minutes til I can go home and get this sorted. By this point I was a a bit of pain at holding this b*****d in for 4 hours. So I go, punch in my number to swipe out, and make for the exit fast. On my way across the car park I let a wee fart go to relieve some pressure, praying noone was behind me.

I was sitting in my car, in proper pain by this point. When about 5 minutes from my house I let out a ginormous fart. It was among the loudest I have ever heard, and must've lasted about 10 seconds. The smell was so bad I was actually wretching while negotiating a roundabout.

I burst through my front door, charge upstairs and park my arse above the pan.

One tiny squeeze resulted in another massive fart, quickly silenced by a shite that must have been like 2 inches in diameter. It was like being raped backwards by Kriss Akabusi. I stood up and inspected this beast. It must have been a good 8 inches long. I have a wipe of my arse, expecting it to be a volatile area. But no, I had a case of the phantom toilet paper shite. I sat for a moment, looking at the pristine sheet of bog roll. Then flushed the bugger away.

Well when I say flushed, it took me 3 attempts to get the b*****d away.

After this, I actually had to take a lie down. I felt physically drained after producing "The Beast". Though I did hear my sister wretching at the smell once she caught a whiff .

[CALDERON]

A couple of months back, I started going to the chipper for lunch on a Friday with people from work.

Some time later, I was greeted with what looked very much like a Fillet Steak, cooked medium-rare.