KnightswoodBear Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 Moving on, my next story I feel is somewhat worse. I work as a nurse and whilst on shift one day I was looking after a particulary firey old woman with dementia. She had done a wee jobby in her bed (on a pad) and I was trying to get her to roll over to get the pad out an clean her wee bum. Well, she decided she didnt need my help to get the pad out and yanked it out herself, herling it in my direction. It landed, butter side down, on my bare arm. It was like someone had poured a tin of warm mushy peas on me. I don't think I've ever scrubbed my arm so much I mind going to visit my dad in the hospital many years ago after his stomach ulcer burst. He was in a ward at Gartnavel. There was this auld boy in the bed across from him who I'm convinced they had wheeled out of the mental hospital next door. He was forever getting up and wandering about dragging his drip stand about with him. Anyway, one day after visiting hours my mum, my sis and I are walking down the corridor to the lifts and this boy is up for one of his wanders. We all noticed as we were walking up behind him that there was a definite whiff of shite. We then noticed wee tiny bits of shite on the floor. They can only be described as looking like wee rabbits nibbies. As we got to the lift the boy was maybe only about ten feet in front of us, and there was this huge fart followed by what sounded like a plasterer flinging plaster at a wall as this old boy evacuated himself all over the floor at the lifts. I got an almighty cuff round the ear for collapsing into the biggest fit of the giggles I've ever had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork. The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required. Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards. Fan-fucking-tastic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 I mind going to visit my dad in the hospital many years ago after his stomach ulcer burst. He was in a ward at Gartnavel. There was this auld boy in the bed across from him who I'm convinced they had wheeled out of the mental hospital next door. He was forever getting up and wandering about dragging his drip stand about with him.Anyway, one day after visiting hours my mum, my sis and I are walking down the corridor to the lifts and this boy is up for one of his wanders. We all noticed as we were walking up behind him that there was a definite whiff of shite. We then noticed wee tiny bits of shite on the floor. They can only be described as looking like wee rabbits nibbies. As we got to the lift the boy was maybe only about ten feet in front of us, and there was this huge fart followed by what sounded like a plasterer flinging plaster at a wall as this old boy evacuated himself all over the floor at the lifts. I got an almighty cuff round the ear for collapsing into the biggest fit of the giggles I've ever had. Outstanding! This reminds me of a rather amusing incident in one of my local pubs a few years ago. Me and my pals used to go into the local hostelry called "The Airlie" for a few games of pool most nights. On one occasions the place was nearly empty, save for me and my pal Gary. To give you an idea of the layout, the pool table and gents toilet are at the opposite end of the pub from the entrance. Anyway, i was racking them up, when this doddery old guy came in, looking somewhat agitated. He started making for the toilet (right beside our pool table). We didn't realise at first what was happening, but the barmaids shocked expression gave the game away. The poor c**t was pissing himself all the way through the pub. He finally made it to the toilet, went in, only to emerge 10 seconds later, having made the urinal, but already emptied his bladder on the way. He shuffled out of the pub again, muttering expletives and shaking his head, and apologising to the barmaid on his way. Surreal as f**k. Me and Gaz looked at his trail of urinary destruction, the by now fizzing barmaid, each other, then collapsed in laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GOURDiiEE Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ano this isnt really a story but my mate and i were walking up the street nd he goes i taste like chocolate and i have a carmmel center when i have diarrhea a found it quite ammusein lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Scotland- Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ano this isnt really a story but my mate and i were walking up the street nd he goes i taste like chocolate and i have a carmmel center when i have diarrhea a found it quite ammusein lol Guess you had to be there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboshandy Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ano this isnt really a story but my mate and i were walking up the street nd he goes i taste like chocolate and i have a carmmel center when i have diarrhea a found it quite ammusein lol (At, not with...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mozam76 Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Like some earlier posters, I suffer from Crohns. Have done since I was seven, so I don't remember ever having had a normal shite - you know, a nice log, then the satisfied "that'll dae for a week" feeling (as described by others). When I was sixteen my internal plumbing was, ahem, altered shall we say, due to my intestine being completely fucked. For the few days before my op I had NO control over my arse - it was like sulphuric acid dripping out of me, with no warning at all. When I came round after my op, the surgeon said that my arse muscles were literally paper thin. I'm not fucking surprised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GOURDiiEE Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Guess you had to be there Yeah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slacker Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 When I was 11 years old I got my first and only case of "altitude constipation". I hadn't shat for a few days (I'm a 2-3 a day-er), but had given it a couple of attempts. Tried to squeeze it out but nothing came of it and I returned to the living room disappointed. It wasn't too bad at all though really. That is, until, I went up the stairs. There was a Celebrity Deathmatch special on MTV or something, and I went to my maws room to watch it. As soon as I sat on the bed my stomach felt like it had caved in and I would have to roll around in sheer agony on the bed to try and stop it. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced I think. So I went back downstairs and felt...fine. So I chanced it again, ran up the stairs, jumped on the bed and felt an almighty rumble in the mid-section again. I couldn't handle it. So I went downstairs and pleaded for a cure. My mum offered two suggestions: eating fruit and sitting on the pan with a towel behind you. So there I was, towel wrapped around my back, eating a peach, shitting out something the size of my head: crying. You will never see anything more pathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul-r-cfc Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 When I was 11 years old I got my first and only case of "altitude constipation". I hadn't shat for a few days (I'm a 2-3 a day-er), but had given it a couple of attempts. Tried to squeeze it out but nothing came of it and I returned to the living room disappointed. It wasn't too bad at all though really. That is, until, I went up the stairs.There was a Celebrity Deathmatch special on MTV or something, and I went to my maws room to watch it. As soon as I sat on the bed my stomach felt like it had caved in and I would have to roll around in sheer agony on the bed to try and stop it. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced I think. So I went back downstairs and felt...fine. So I chanced it again, ran up the stairs, jumped on the bed and felt an almighty rumble in the mid-section again. I couldn't handle it. So I went downstairs and pleaded for a cure. My mum offered two suggestions: eating fruit and sitting on the pan with a towel behind you. So there I was, towel wrapped around my back, eating a peach, shitting out something the size of my head: crying. You will never see anything more pathetic. It's the peach that got me most :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rclarke97 Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 God all of this is making me need a shit right now Edit : Feel so much better now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthernLights Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Tonight I discovered why there is a warning on chewing gum saying "excessive consumption may produce a laxative effect". Bought one of those tubs of Extra today that contain 60 pieces today and ended up just chewing my way through they all in a few hours. An hour or so after finishing my last giant piece of chewing gum I started to feel the need to shit. I went to the toilet and what felt like a normal piece of business soon turned bad. A torrent of brown lava was unleashed after I unplugged the solid piece from my arse. For the next few hours I sat on my chair and had to keep going back and forth to the toilet to release more brown lava. The worst part is when you think you just need to fart, you start to release it and quickly realise that it is in fact a really watery shite and a run to the toilet ensues. Thankfully things have calmed down now but I'll certainly not take the warnings on those labels lightly again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denji Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 .My mum offered two suggestions: eating fruit and sitting on the pan with a towel behind you. So there I was, towel wrapped around my back, eating a peach, shitting out something the size of my head: crying. You will never see anything more pathetic. :lol: :lol: ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muggy Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 When I was 11 years old I got my first and only case of "altitude constipation". I hadn't shat for a few days (I'm a 2-3 a day-er), but had given it a couple of attempts. Tried to squeeze it out but nothing came of it and I returned to the living room disappointed. It wasn't too bad at all though really. That is, until, I went up the stairs.There was a Celebrity Deathmatch special on MTV or something, and I went to my maws room to watch it. As soon as I sat on the bed my stomach felt like it had caved in and I would have to roll around in sheer agony on the bed to try and stop it. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced I think. So I went back downstairs and felt...fine. So I chanced it again, ran up the stairs, jumped on the bed and felt an almighty rumble in the mid-section again. I couldn't handle it. So I went downstairs and pleaded for a cure. My mum offered two suggestions: eating fruit and sitting on the pan with a towel behind you. So there I was, towel wrapped around my back, eating a peach, shitting out something the size of my head: crying. You will never see anything more pathetic. What a peachy story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uni Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 When I was 11 years old I got my first and only case of "altitude constipation". I hadn't shat for a few days (I'm a 2-3 a day-er), but had given it a couple of attempts. Tried to squeeze it out but nothing came of it and I returned to the living room disappointed. It wasn't too bad at all though really. That is, until, I went up the stairs.There was a Celebrity Deathmatch special on MTV or something, and I went to my maws room to watch it. As soon as I sat on the bed my stomach felt like it had caved in and I would have to roll around in sheer agony on the bed to try and stop it. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced I think. So I went back downstairs and felt...fine. So I chanced it again, ran up the stairs, jumped on the bed and felt an almighty rumble in the mid-section again. I couldn't handle it. So I went downstairs and pleaded for a cure. My mum offered two suggestions: eating fruit and sitting on the pan with a towel behind you. So there I was, towel wrapped around my back, eating a peach, shitting out something the size of my head: crying. You will never see anything more pathetic. The most funny post on this topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inumpty Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 many moons ago when i was a boy, me and my mates fancied a wee trip to jamaica. we saved up all year and did not go out so i could afford this holiday. when we finally got there we said to our selfs , " we better try and behave and act responsable after all we were representing scotland" just then i felt as if i had to make for the toilet in our room (quickly) not a second to soon i gave birth to what could only be described as a log, no kidding it must have been a foot and a half long and as thick as my arm. anyway to cut the story short it could /would not flush away , my mates were laughing their ass off as i tried to break the F****er up with a big stick. that did not work. i thought about phoning reception and telling them the previous guest had left somthing in the room and could the come and take it away but i knew that they would think it was one of us and think to themselfs dirty scottish b*******. next my mate suggested i take it out of the toilet and dispose of it. how am i going to do that as im not touching that, he walked in with a big stick and told me to harpoon it. you can imagine we were all p***ing ourselfs. finally i chased it round the bowl with the stick and flicked into a plastic coop bag. after all that i needed a drink and i still had to dispose of it. soo i dumped it in the nearest bin on the way to the bar.. that night we went for dinner and there was people sitting next to that bin and you could see that they were all checking their shoes to see if they had stepped in dod s**T. hope you enjoyed that one , we still laugh at that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mallo_Madrid Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 many moons ago when i was a boy, me and my mates fancied a wee trip to jamaica.we saved up all year and did not go out so i could afford this holiday. when we finally got there we said to our selfs , " we better try and behave and act responsable after all we were representing scotland" just then i felt as if i had to make for the toilet in our room (quickly) not a second to soon i gave birth to what could only be described as a log, no kidding it must have been a foot and a half long and as thick as my arm. anyway to cut the story short it could /would not flush away , my mates were laughing their ass off as i tried to break the F****er up with a big stick. that did not work. i thought about phoning reception and telling them the previous guest had left somthing in the room and could the come and take it away but i knew that they would think it was one of us and think to themselfs dirty scottish b*******. next my mate suggested i take it out of the toilet and dispose of it. how am i going to do that as im not touching that, he walked in with a big stick and told me to harpoon it. you can imagine we were all p***ing ourselfs. finally i chased it round the bowl with the stick and flicked into a plastic coop bag. after all that i needed a drink and i still had to dispose of it. soo i dumped it in the nearest bin on the way to the bar.. that night we went for dinner and there was people sitting next to that bin and you could see that they were all checking their shoes to see if they had stepped in dod s**T. hope you enjoyed that one , we still laugh at that one Big shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave258 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I had a great shit earlier. It was almost orgasmic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
well fan for life Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 In work today, I took a dump which smelled so horrific I rendered the men's toilets a no-go area for about an hour. It was that bad I actually felt a bit uneasy after catching a whiff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pol Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I'm reading this while taking a nice little shit. Just thought I'd contribute to the fact I'm posting and shiting at the same time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.