Shitting Stories

[ambercrest]

i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.

anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it

the best two hours i have spent on here in 4years !!!! never laughed so much, this particular tale had me on my knees for 10 minutes..

[well fan for life]

Not a funny story, but since I returned from TitP at about 1130 am yesterday having not had a shit since friday morning before I went I have just finished my 5th full scale shite .

[ClarkeyAUFC]

Had a "jaggy" shite the other day there, it was nasty.

[rclarke97]

Same this morning

[TheDoctor]

I don't know what the hell I've been eating, but I could have fertilised a small African country with the quantity.

It was the sort of one you could have had a cigarette right afterwards.

I think I've blocked the work's bog though

EDIT TO SAY: I have blocked the work toilet Result!

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Flu seems to have a constipating effect on my shites at the moment. I've not had one since Friday morning. I started feeling dodgy yesterday afternoon, and i'm dreading what the visit to the Gas Chamber will be like after several days of no shits, a massive BBQ on Sat and a fry up on Sunday morning.

It could be a "shoebox special"

[Maryhill Magyar]

On holiday last month with the girlfriend the first night we had dinner in some dodgy steak house.

Anyway I suddenly needed to go quite badly and rushed to the toilet which was a tiny wee room with a little toilet and no ventilation. Anyway what followed was probably not unlike Mount Etna erupting in size and power. Once the earth movements in my stomach I tried to flush but literally nothing happened except a small trickle of water. I tried again with some more water but absolutely no movement to the mess in the pan.

By now the heat in this toilet was intense and I was quite sweating due to this, the struggle my body had went through and the fear that someone would be along to use the toilet anytime soon. After a few more attempted flushes which came to no avail except for a small stream of water I decided I had one option; leave, pay for dinner and get out of sight as quickly as I could.

On returning to the table the missus enquired to what had happened and that I looked very warm. I couldn't keep my eye off the toilet door in the fear someone would approach as I told her I was finished and would quickly get the bill. I quickly ran to the bar and paid up, leavinga fairly hefty tip it must be said and quickly ran out the restaurant never to even set eyes on again.

I know she knows something happened that fateful night but I think the truth is best left alone tbh

[broxy]

OOOOFT!!!!

After last nights Jalfrezi and Cider i have just deposited what can only be described as a war crime in the disabled bog downstairs.*

*(some poor c**t was fixing one of the cubicles in the gents and i did'nt have the heart to put him through it.)

[lichtie23]

Thse stories are trully disgusting

[ditots]

Here is a big shit and no one cares about his stories

[Benjamin_Nevis]

Flu seems to have a constipating effect on my shites at the moment. I've not had one since Friday morning. I started feeling dodgy yesterday afternoon, and i'm dreading what the visit to the Gas Chamber will be like after several days of no shits, a massive BBQ on Sat and a fry up on Sunday morning.

It could be a "shoebox special"

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

[cheesefiddler]

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

[HoBNob]

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

[NorthernLights]

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

Laughed so much I've now got the hiccups!

[Mackie The Staggie]

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

There are many...many tears.

[youroldda]

Just back from Croatia last week where I had probably my worse shitting experience of my life, After 4days of drinking and eating like an Ethiopian in a lock in in Mcdonalds I had gut bursting constapation . After about 4 or 5 failed atempts at unloading over a period of 2 days, I opted for some local laxative.... on the Friday morning rumbles and groans where constant from my elephant gut. We had booked a day trip to Venice and it was 95F over the course of the morning I began to fart quite alot,,It was beginning..I began looking around for a public toilet but belive it or not there are only 2 public toilets in Venice!!!.So with my guts about to explode we dived into the nearest pub where I headed straight for the bog..It was one of those toilets away round the back down the stairs along a hallway etc, and it was fuken howling there was no lights no paper no lid the floor was 2 inch deep in pish and you could hear the flies a minute before you opened the door.

I almost gaged but I had no option I just took my shorts right off as I didn't wont the soaked in pish then tried to wedge my legs against the sides so I could hoover above the pan Van Damme style. Now I'm not religous but I did pray to god to keep my vital organs inside as my arse done an impression of appollo 11 at take off..15 mins later I staggered out of that hole 2 stone lighter and minus a teashirt which I used to clean my ronson like a baby. ahhh Venice.

[Captain_Sensible]

I had to stop for a shit behind a bush at mile 20 of the Edinburgh Marathon last year.

It began brewing early in the race and a couple of times I had really bad stomach cramps. Around mile 13 I began looking for somewhere to stop and looked around only to see a girl I train with down the road behind me and she waved to me. I knew she was fast (she ended up the third fastest Scots woman in the race) so I knew I wouldn't pull away from her. I therefore decided to keep going.

At mile 20 though it got too bad. I jumped behind a bush and exploded everywhere. Pure liquid. I wiped my arse with a leaf but if was all over my hands, shorts, everything. I jumped back into the race but struggled badly in the last 6 miles. I finished 13 mins behind my target time of 3 hrs and lost 10 mins of those in the last 6 miles, indeed, I lost 8 in the last 2 miles where I eventually had to take a walk break. Totally dehydrated.

I noted my female friend ahead of me by the time I rejoined the race and phoned her after the race to ask how she got on. She was very confused as to how she had managed to beat me despite apparently not overtaking me.........

Another mate of mine who finished the race in 2.58 was a bit perplexed when I put out my left hand for a handshake when I saw him at the end.........

Luckily my wife had some wipes and a change of trousers. I cleaned myself up in the bogs at the Musselburgh racecource..... but only after I'd had another explosion.

What did I learn from this? Don't got out for a Chinese curry the night before attempting to run a sub 3 hour marathon..........

[ditots]

Well my dose of man flu has finally passed, and the aforementioned effect on my shites was fully as weird as expected.

The first arrived on Tuesday, and it was a typical flu jobby. Loads of effort, nearly sweating trying to give birth to the b*****ds, and the fucking thing disappeared round the u-bend unassisted. The only remaining evidence was a couple of fucking malteser-like mini turds. Nothing worse than being denied an inspection of one's handywork.

The second arrived on Wednesday morning. The first couple of copper bolts were solid and fairly satisfying, however things took a somewhat concerning turn thereafter. A huge fart was immediately followed by a violent and fairly painful stream small brown pellets, each one seeming hotter than the last. The bowl was quite well pebbledashed and a fair quantity of bleach was required.

Episode 3 arrived Thursday morning. No sooner had i finished my first fag for 4 days, i had to almost sprint to the toilet, to unleash hell. Solidity was not a word to use here. A brown laser beam seemed to neatly link the bowl and my arsehole for almost 5 minutes solid. This in itself wasnt too bad. Wiping the arse afterwards however was an exercise in terror. I whimpered like a baby as sheet upon sheet of cheap £1.05 Spar's own toilet paper wiped by tattered arse. After what seemed like an eternity of misery i washed up and retired to the sofa, feeling like i'd been raped backwards.

Absolute class

[Mackie The Staggie]

I had to stop for a shit behind a bush at mile 20 of the Edinburgh Marathon last year.

It began brewing early in the race and a couple of times I had really bad stomach cramps. Around mile 13 I began looking for somewhere to stop and looked around only to see a girl I train with down the road behind me and she waved to me. I knew she was fast (she ended up the third fastest Scots woman in the race) so I knew I wouldn't pull away from her. I therefore decided to keep going.

At mile 20 though it got too bad. I jumped behind a bush and exploded everywhere. Pure liquid. I wiped my arse with a leaf but if was all over my hands, shorts, everything. I jumped back into the race but struggled badly in the last 6 miles. I finished 13 mins behind my target time of 3 hrs and lost 10 mins of those in the last 6 miles, indeed, I lost 8 in the last 2 miles where I eventually had to take a walk break. Totally dehydrated.

I noted my female friend ahead of me by the time I rejoined the race and phoned her after the race to ask how she got on. She was very confused as to how she had managed to beat me despite apparently not overtaking me.........

Another mate of mine who finished the race in 2.58 was a bit perplexed when I put out my left hand for a handshake when I saw him at the end.........

Luckily my wife had some wipes and a change of trousers. I cleaned myself up in the bogs at the Musselburgh racecource..... but only after I'd had another explosion.

What did I learn from this? Don't got out for a Chinese curry the night before attempting to run a sub 3 hour marathon..........

[well fan for life]

After spending Wednesday and Thursday on the cider, it got me on Friday.

I could have fertilised a fair few fields with the amount of shite being evacuated. One bit must have been near enough a footlong, it was touching the water while still holding on for dear life.

I had to lie down afterwards.