Toma_BullyWee Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 How many of Clyde's players are out of contract at the end of the season? A clearout beckons. i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonstar Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 why the double quote? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave258 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 i once baked a hangover shite from greenock to inveraray in my mates motor. it was a wee burgundy lada and there were 5 of us in it. i was farting the turtles breath the whole way much to the chagrin of my chums. anyhoo by the time we got to inverary the dolphin's nose was nudging my gussett and i couldn't find a bog. i ran down to the shores of loch fyne, whipped off one leg of my jeans and y's and opened the bomb-bay. f**k me, this thing felt like king kong's thumb. i then made the mistake off bending over to have a gander at it through my legs. it was like a big nik-nak that had been dipped in cuprinol. as it swayed in the wind - one end still lodged up my bangle - it became a temporary landing strip for a colony of blue bottles. i waggled my bum till it snapped off and then had to wipe my freckle with a wee bit of snottery hanky. i'd have got more wipes aff a spangles wrapper.anyway the last i saw of that behemoth was it steaming on a rock while an alsatian barked at it I actually just sat killing myself laughing for about 5 minutes at that, priceless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonstar Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I actually just sat killing myself laughing for about 5 minutes at that, priceless! dugs seem to love shite for some reason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toma_BullyWee Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 why the double quote? I have no idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychunder Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Alright I've got a few stories. Me and these three guys were working in the oil (seismic) exploration business in South Turkey. We had to go back and drill some more holes away from camp at this crappy wee town called Cizre near the Syrian Border. We stayed at a really boggin hotel the first night, mossies everywhere, we've all got the runs, so we found another new hotel. It was still being built but it had proper lavvies, instead of they elephant's feet kind that they use in the Middle East. Anyway, after a day or two the management told us off for putting toilet paper down the lavvies, apparently the plumbing there isn't designed to handle paper and there was a risk the bog would choke. So I'm in this guy Chimpy's room (an Aussie Driller) guzzlin a beer waiting for him to get ready so we can go eat. He's in the shower and we're shouting to talk to each other. All of a sudden he falls out out the shower, pulling down the curtain, yelling phuccing Jesus....ran over to see what had happened and our other mate Tony The Tourist was having a watery keech in his room next door and it's come up in Chimpy's shower, all over his feet man, what a mess and stink, nearly puked when I saw it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychunder Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Another one. Night out on the beer, waiting in the car at the traffic lights at Davie Mains in Edinburgh to go to work next morning. Farted, felt a bit warm. Pulled down my breeks to check and half a gallon of hot liquid shite pours out. Spewed all over my bare legs when I saw it, had to drive a couple of miles back home in broad daylight and run back up the stairs to the flat, past the neighbour, with keech and puke running oot the bottom of ma troosers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugster Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 You're mental. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychunder Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Last one then I'll shut up. When I first started wincin my current wife, I stayed at her flat every now and again. So one mornin I'm there in the kitchen wearin her baggy white dressin gown, cooking some bacon and eggs. Let rip a wee fart, realised it was a shite, choked it off. I looked down on the floor and there was a puddle of hot shite about four inches across, happily I'd missed my bare feet completely, nae spatterin. But then I though aw nawwww her goonie is going to be a right mess inside. So after cleaning up the floor I waddled off tae the bog for a quick look likes, and would you believe it there wasnae a mark on the dressing gown at all. That follow-through must have come straight downwards from my clenched arse, missed the goonie, and ma feet, and just made a nice civilised wee puddle. Amazin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breaking Decency Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I would like to suggest a promotional idea for P&B: A Viz-like book of shitting stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonstar Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Last one then I'll shut up. When I first started wincin my current wife, I stayed at her flat every now and again. So one mornin I'm there in the kitchen wearin her baggy white dressin gown, cooking some bacon and eggs. Let rip a wee fart, realised it was a shite, choked it off. I looked down on the floor and there was a puddle of hot shite about four inches across, happily I'd missed my bare feet completely, nae spatterin. But then I though aw nawwww her goonie is going to be a right mess inside. So after cleaning up the floor I waddled off tae the bog for a quick look likes, and would you believe it there wasnae a mark on the dressing gown at all. That follow-through must have come straight downwards from my clenched arse, missed the goonie, and ma feet, and just made a nice civilised wee puddle. Amazin. a "perfect storm" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboshandy Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 My sides. Never mind Nightshift-bound, this thread could quite possibly be Gold-bound. About time this made it to P&B Gold... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I would like to suggest a promotional idea for P&B: A Viz-like book of shitting stories. A good idea in theory, but as most of the descriptions have been lifted straight from the Profanisaurus, there might be legal issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorilla Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 One of my mates in 3rd or 4th year had one of the funniest shitting "accidents" I have seen. We had swimming for PE this day and the class had just got in the pool (thankfully I wasn't due to a twisted ankle) and just after my mate got in the pool he decided to let out a wee fart which would have been ok but it wasn't a wee fart he needed, he had took a sudden case of the squirts, so instead of a few bubbles for him it ended with a massive amount of watery shit around him and the rest of the class evacuating the pool faster than he evacuated his shit chute. When he got out he had massive amounts of shite down his legs and around his feet and just to add to problems when he was cleaning himself up in the showers the next thing we heard was "oh f**k" as his episode wasn't over this time he managed to cover the wall and the floor as well as get shit splattered up his back. Once he finally had himself clean he managed to get to the changing room toilet where no sooner did have his arse on the pan and all hell broke loose from both ends. One of the teachers came in to the changing room wondering why we all had evacuated it and the pool early only to be met with spew all over the floor and a pan full of shite plus a half comatosed 15 year old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballrumourfactory Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 One of my mates in 3rd or 4th year had one of the funniest shitting "accidents" I have seen. We had swimming for PE this day and the class had just got in the pool (thankfully I wasn't due to a twisted ankle) and just after my mate got in the pool he decided to let out a wee fart which would have been ok but it wasn't a wee fart he needed, he had took a sudden case of the squirts, so instead of a few bubbles for him it ended with a massive amount of watery shit around him and the rest of the class evacuating the pool faster than he evacuated his shit chute. When he got out he had massive amounts of shite down his legs and around his feet and just to add to problems when he was cleaning himself up in the showers the next thing we heard was "oh f**k" as his episode wasn't over this time he managed to cover the wall and the floor as well as get shit splattered up his back. Once he finally had himself clean he managed to get to the changing room toilet where no sooner did have his arse on the pan and all hell broke loose from both ends. One of the teachers came in to the changing room wondering why we all had evacuated it and the pool early only to be met with spew all over the floor and a pan full of shite plus a half comatosed 15 year old. Dodgy curry the night before? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Silver Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Once took a dump whilst my wife was in the bath and midway through her complaining I stood up letting her see the jobby half out my keeky winker. Promptly jumped out the bath and spewed in the sink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EdgarusQPFC Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 A few month back i was on my throne having a fairly standard feeling shit. No spikes, just a nice flowing one. So once the deed was done i looked down the pan, and i had created a floating shit that was a perfect sphere about the size of a tangerine, i couldnt believe it, it was like a little brown moon. I furthered my investigation by grabbing a cotton bud and i spun my brown globe to check for folds or cracks but there were none, from all i could tell it had simply came out spherical. I was pretty chuffed with myself for my unintentional achievement, and quite surprised at the ease of its passage. I almost wished i had taken a picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GiGi Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Once took a dump whilst my wife was in the bath and midway through her complaining I stood up letting her see the jobby half out my keeky winker.Promptly jumped out the bath and spewed in the sink. I read that too fast and thought you'd shat in the bath with her in it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 A few month back i was on my throne having a fairly standard feeling shit. No spikes, just a nice flowing one. So once the deed was done i looked down the pan, and i had created a floating shit that was a perfect sphere about the size of a tangerine, i couldnt believe it, it was like a little brown moon. I furthered my investigation by grabbing a cotton bud and i spun my brown globe to check for folds or cracks but there were none, from all i could tell it had simply came out spherical. I was pretty chuffed with myself for my unintentional achievement, and quite surprised at the ease of its passage. I almost wished i had taken a picture. Magnificent I produced something highly strange a few years ago. I'd been really ill over Xmas and New Year with the flu and somehow went something like 10 days without a shit. Finally the "twinge" came and i hauled my sorry and painful carcass to the gas chamber. What followed felt like i was passing a tree trunk. It was agony. I was almost in tears, but at the same time so relieved that id actually managed a shit. I got up to check out my handiwork and what i saw had me squinting in confusion. I'd produced a massive, fairly circular-looking shit, most VERY dark brown in colour, but interspersed with small blobs of light brown shit. It was remarkable. I only wish id had a camera phone at the time. Flushing the fucker away was nigh on impossible, and only achieved with the aid of the bog brush and half a roll of toilet paper. I had to lie down afterwards. Now i know what childbirth must be like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dunning1874 Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Had just moved in to a new place in Australia and was out with a few of my mates to watch the football one night. I got talking to a burd in the bar and things were going well. However the beer started to mess with my intentions and decided that I wasn't going to get my hole and to turn my attention elsewhere.In the boozer there was a burd that I worked with and got talking to her. She wasn't bad looking but had a few extra pounds stuffed in her thighs and arse. Exactly the kinda burd that needs little effort and I can get a gammie from. Ended up pretty wrecked and got her back to mine, but passed out without doing anything. Had just moved in to a new place and was woken up with someone outside my door (room was next to toilet) saying "what the f**k is that" and what is that smell. I turned round to where the burd had been lying and there was a mass of brown mess all over the sheets and it fucking stunk. The stupid cow had crapped herself while sleeping, woken up and upon realising that she was in a bit of a pickle spewed all over my room (while I was still passed out). She had then got up and went to the bathroom where her fat arse had rubbed along the wall leaving a big streak of jobby and another pool of vomit! My mate said he heard her going out about 7 in the morning, dunno how the poor burd got home cause no taxi would have taken her! She had must have walked the good few miles home covered in jobby! Cleaning it was the worst, it had soaked right through to the matress and it took weeks to get rid of the smell! The best part was that at the xmas night out after a few drinks she came up to me and apologised for that night! I stood there stunned that she even had the balls to do it! I just stood there and replied to forget about it cause i fucking had!!! She could have at least pretended it was me.... although my boxers were spotless apart from the usual cheeky little skid mark so there was no way I could have passed out the 7 kilos of prime Irish brown that she did! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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