Shitting Stories

[seaside nipper]

Well quite simply , my mate got so drunk one birthday Friday night he ended up three way incontinent !

After being dragged home totally legless and barely capable of breathing , he saved his output for his own home as all good drunks do.

Started to spew all over the hall walls , lovely , he swayed fell backwards and started yelling toilet and clawing at his breeks ! He'd started a megga case of the runs. Some blokes dragged him to the bog , balanced and supported him on the bog whereupon he started to evacuate his bowels , horrendous cascade of brown liquid exploding everywhere in the pan , on the floor, across my feet.........ffsake ! His download was so voluminous he overloaded the bog !

Having lost all power of speech he would grunt and moan unintelligibly about a sore stomach.

At this point his wife walked in, having been woken by strange voices and noises from the lavvie at 3am !!

She immediately freeked , started crying ,screaming and yelling, she shreiked she was leaving him and she was going to kill us all for getting him in that state . At this point my mate pished himself !

So , my mate was left on the pan , vomit rolling down his chin , sitting in a world of shit , soaked in pish.

Got a taxi home , the driver suggested I cover him twenty notes to allow him to clean his cab. Next day the lads met up , was advised that my mates wife had left for her mums for a few days , so we all went on the razz and left the poor sod to supervise the Industrial Cleaners at his house.

He still cannot face Southern Comfort to this day - he is happily married with three kids , all toilet trained

[Darren]

After hours of sitting around doing nothing horribly hungover my flatmate and I decided it was about time we got up and did something. So up we got and headed across to Scotmid, on the elusive hunt for reduced goods and perhaps a Pot Noodle if it took our fancy.

While hanging around the baked beans (ironically enough) I felt the urge to do a massive fart. It was a feeling I had experienced many times before. Instinctively I knew this was going to be a very loud, and potentially extremely smelly emission.

With this in mind, and knowing the unbridled joy that making a scene of a pungent parp in a small grocery store can generate, I reeled back, cocked my leg like a pissing dog and pushed, all the while calling on my mate to witness the spectacular passing.

Sadly, I was to quickly learn some valuable lessons. Never force a fart, and don't call on witnesses if you're about to commit a heinous crime.

Within a nanosecond, I could tell something had gone wrong and my face conveyed that emotion. Quick-thinking, I held my muscles tight and caught the shart mid-flow in the chute.

Having managed not to completely shit my pants, I proceeded to amble from almost the very back of the store to the front door. From there to the flat was thankfully a very short distance, and on the groundfloor.

However, I had to first negotiate a busy main road. Sweating profusely and looking like Alan McLaren after 90 minutes, I managed to waddle, John Wayne style, across the road, circumventing traffic as I went.

I made my way into the house, tossed the jeans and boxers aside and sat down on the pan and let it all flow free.

This unbridled joy lasted all of about five seconds, before all three of my flatmates burst into the lavatory and the one who had been in Scotmid exclaimed "Hahaha, you shat yourself!" before rolling about the hall floor laughing.

By no means is this my most shameful story. I loved that fucking flat!

[kara_hibee]

Anyone else got any other storys they could squeeze in?

[Michael W]

Asides from the odd dose of the runs, or even blocking the toilet with the odd footer, I don't really have anything to share. I feel left out

[renton]

Anyone else got any other storys they could squeeze in?

What? Was that a joke? Fucking harry krishnas for you! Fucking terrible effort....

[King Kebab]

Anyone else got any other storys they could squeeze in?

Or even "Squeeze out"!!!

[kara_hibee]

What? Was that a joke? Fucking harry krishnas for you! Fucking terrible effort....

[renton]

Like, whateveeer

Fucking teeniebopper

[BalhamPar]

There's been a couple of follow-through disasters. Once in at my old student union, where thankfully the stupidly loud cheesy music blocked out what must have been a fair rumble as a fart turned into a river of shite. I made it to a toilet cubicle, cleaned up and ditched my boxers in the cistern. The other time was in the middle of an industrial estate in Milton Keynes - there was an old rave venue there called The Sanctuary, and as I was walking towards it for a night out I suddenly started touching cloth. I thought I could hold on but to no avail. Mercifully there were some bushes nearby and under the pretence of needing a pish I dived into these, whipped off my kecks, ditched another pair of brown boxers and strolled back out as though nothing had happened. Close call though.

Worst experience was by far when I had food poisoning a few years ago and it was pretty much constant. Worst bit is when you clean yourself up, then sit down and a load more dribbles out. The nightmare part was when I ran out of bog roll, and all my flatmates were away for the weekend - the nearest shop was about 5 minutes away but I got up there in record time, grabbed some bog roll, slapped a fiver on the counter and didn't bother waiting for change, then sprinted all the way back, just making it in the nick of time.

[Poet of the Macabre]

I just knew that a thread on shitting would create great discussion amongst P&B members

[northfootie]

There was the time in 3rd year i had to do a rancid shite, only to realise there was no toilet roll and had to wipe my arse wi a pound note.

The worst time was my first holiday wi my pals in Kavos. First night there, got totally steaming, my other 2 pals were relatively sober. Had to be helped back to the hotel. Once there, i sat down on the toilet seat wi my shorts still on, and proceeded to force out a shit. Can't remember much of it. Woke up the next morning (having fell asleep in the toilet), to be greeted by the site of a lone turd lying in the middle of the kitchen next to a bottle of Windex my mates had bought for me to clean it with.

cant stop laughing at 1st one,tears running down my face

[proud2beabuddy]

My story is less than salubrious.

On a lovely sumer's day out with my then girlfriend to a garden centre just outside Falkirk, where we had enjoyed a lovely homecooked lunch, we proceeded to the outside bit of the garden centre to purchase plants and pots.

Unfortunately, my metabolism was working far too quickly that day, and as we stepped outside I had the urge to break wind. It was noisy enough and outdoors, so I decided to let it rip, only to be horrified that it wasn't wind, it was the real stuff.

It is important at this point that I mention that I was On-Call at work that particular day. Just after giving birth to a ten pound otter in my trousers, my pager went off, with one of my mental health patients threatening to kill himself.

Imagine the scenario :

I have just shit in my pants, and am now faced with a life and death situation with a very unstable mental health patient who lived in Livingston.

I said to the patient, "Give me an hour", I then had to explain to my girlfriend what had happened, including that I had shit my pants, and needed to go home to change and then she would have to drive me to Livingston to perhaps save somebody's life.

I sat sideways in the car on the way back to my home in Linlithgow, but by the time I had got back I had set.

It was like concrete. I had to chisel off my jeans and underwear, and use metal soap pads to clean my arse.

The story had a happy ending, I cleaned all the shit off myself, my girlfriend was laughing too much to finish with me, and the mental health patient lived, despite cutting his stomach open and having to go to hospital.

Nightmare.

I'm in tears! That is the funniest thing I have ever read

[Rugster]

When I worked at the Record as night manager, the loaders and drivers had a tiny wee room they used for tea and a heat. I was about to let a pungent fart out, having not long had an indian, and, as was the practice in those days, proceeded to run to the room to let rip in order to evacuate them into the freezing cold.

Yes, I followed through. Off came the breeks, and particularly quickly after them, the boxers. The boxers went in the bin in the bog, and I cleaned up in the bathroom. They were laughing, not me. The opposite was the intnet.

I have also sharted in Behind the Wall, but somehow managed to make it to the toilet (with that, "I just know I've followed through there" feeling) without any of the dribble touching cloth, amazingly.

[northfootie]

this must go down as the funniest thread ever on p+b i havent laughed so much in years,the wifes giving me weird looks and asking whats so funny

[InverAlly]

I used to work for Building Control in Local Authority and was on site carrying out drains tests for Miller homes.

To test drains bungs are put in all the vent pipes and manholes and pressure tested.

John the Labourer was kneeling down in the manhole when all of a sudden water gushed out of the drain into the manhole.

He climbed out, took off his boot and shook out a huge jobby that had shot up his 'Welly'!

One of the painters in the house couldn't wait.

Then there was a fight!

[Guest Ron Burgundy]

I used to work for Building Control in Local Authority and was on site carrying out drains tests for Miller homes.

To test drains bungs are put in all the vent pipes and manholes and pressure tested.

John the Labourer was kneeling down in the manhole when all of a sudden water gushed out of the drain into the manhole.

He climbed out, took off his boot and shook out a huge jobby that had shot up his 'Welly'!

One of the painters in the house couldn't wait.

Then there was a fight!

clatty b*****d.

[lyt]

in times past we used to shit in empty half bags of cement as there wasnt those portaloo jobs on sites.I was forced to use this system one day as i was bursting.when the deed was done oot the windae it went,very bad idea in a gale,it landed in the middle of a group of guys warming themselves at a drum fire.wind and piss = pissed splattered workers

[Nkomo-A-Gogo]

Getting of the bus in Camelon to go to work let what i thought was a sneaky fart go as i jumped off the last step.

felt it dribbling down the inside of my leg

i tiptoed over to the courthouse but the security gaurd wouldnt let me in to the toilet so i just got on the next bus and sat in my own shite all the way to bannockburn and rang in sick.

Didnt really smell too bad but probably because it was mostly water.

[dubs]

Absolute genius, this thread actually makes me quite afraid (shitting myself if you will, lawl) simply because I've never shat myself and when you read about folk doing simple regulation farts and following through, it makes you ponder a little.

[endieinreekie]

Once got completely monged on Guinness and vodka, don't remember a thing after leaving the pub. Woke up next morning, on my mates parents living room floor with ma breeks full of sh*te. Went to bog and got cleaned up but came back to the living room and there was a sh*t stained patch on the carpet where I had been lying unconscious. I apologised whenever I saw them for the next 3 months I think!!!