proud2beabuddy Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 The old cow had intentially come down stairs and dropped an unflushable a-bomb. I opted to leave it and tell her about it when she came back down stairs but a couple of the girls had a go at it with bleach and other assorted astringent chemicals they could find combined with about 5 flushes. They eventually had to break it's back with a coathanger to get it flushed. horrible disgusting cow. This is a quality thread, just keeps getting better ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 The only arsehole I can think of at work is one of the managers who takes his job way too seriously. Me and a few of my team were taken on to this old double decker bus for a wee workshop on Sky Movies even though we dont deal with them. This dick of a manager was taking it really serious and, trying to impress the big bosses who were there, he asked us to come up with a slogan for Sky Movies. One of my colleagues shouted out instantly "Sky Movies, 8 out of 10 cats prefer it". We all pished ourselves laughing despite his protestations and he left us alone until the workshop was finished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ron Burgundy Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I visited my old work about a couple of years later, I should have mentioned that the beast who laid the jobby that blocked bog was so nauseating I left the job, and the workplace was now entirely female.....the manky old cow who was of course divorced..although how she ever got anyone to f**k her is simply mindbending......anyhoos...she had started regailing the other ladies with stories of a toy boy she was seeing and describing her saucy underwear she wore for him. It could only have been true if she was sending out cards advertising her as a prostitute in braille..seriously she was the most repulsive offensive cow ever.....god my skin is crawling even talking about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimonLichtie Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Also worked with an Arbroath fan who must have brushed his teeth with shite. He was honking and he also used to provide us with an hour long summary on mondays of Arbroath's game at the weekend. "Proper football it is, none of your poncey, gay SPL pish for me". Name?! I can think of a few people it could be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwififer Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Oh aye, forgot to add, in my last job, I was the 'sacrificial kicking boy' as the rest of the team was all-female and going through seperations or divorces. They couldn't get at their ex-men, so I used to take flak for the biggest load of shite on the planet. So I used to put Steve Wright's Sunday morning love songs on, non-stop on the computer and sing 'all by myself...' at the top of my voice at every social function we had... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lordofthewing Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Oh aye, forgot to add, in my last job, I was the 'sacrificial kicking boy' as the rest of the team was all-female and going through seperations or divorces. They couldn't get at their ex-men, so I used to take flak for the biggest load of shite on the planet.So I used to put Steve Wright's Sunday morning love songs on, non-stop on the computer and sing 'all by myself...' at the top of my voice at every social function we had... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monster Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Oh aye, forgot to add, in my last job, I was the 'sacrificial kicking boy' as the rest of the team was all-female and going through seperations or divorces. They couldn't get at their ex-men, so I used to take flak for the biggest load of shite on the planet.So I used to put Steve Wright's Sunday morning love songs on, non-stop on the computer and sing 'all by myself...' at the top of my voice at every social function we had... No wonder you emigrated. Everyone in Scotland just bullied you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwififer Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 You know, you might just be right Seriously though, they were a great bunch of girls to work with once it all settled down. I could tell you some stories about what they all got up to after a Friday night in Sportsters! Lets just say they all know what it's there for and how to use it... Death, taxes and Perth nurses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilly Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I worked with a guy called igor (not the one from here) about 10 years ago, this guy was pevert city. On more than one occasion, he "accidentally" walked into the ladies locker room just before the start of the shift, and someone forced open his locker one day, and found a small video camera, a pair of woman's knickers, a bra, a stash of jazz mags and a box of toilet tissues. He was also very fond of scat movies and animal porn. That was clearly you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Half A Person Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I worked with probably the most stupid person ever to walk the the face of the earth. I remember she was using a stapler which had jammed; she unjammed the staples and then 'tested' it...on her finger. She was asked which pizza toppings contained pork. She replied, ''Errr.... spicy pork? Ham?'',and after much head-scratching, ''...green pepper?'' She once bought a birthday ard for one of our colleagues. it was one of those ones with his year of birth and notable news event s on the front. When it was pointed out that he was born in 1973, not 1972, she said, ''Nivvur mind, Ah'll jist keep it fur his birthday next year.'' She got a hole in her tights at work, so I said she could nip out and get another pair. ''Och, I'll jist turn thum inside-oot.'' Worringly, she left to become a 'Lab Assistant'. Whether this meant she was continuing employment in a field of science or just helping out a dog from time to time, I dunno. I suspect it's not the former, though. I worked with another girl who asked, in all seriousness, what animal pineapple came from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I assume the previous thread on this has been killed in the Great Purge? I used to work with several beauts back in Inverness. One was a guy who was a kind of squat fat chap who claimed to have spina bifida so got work to buy him a super-duper chair with buttons and stuff. Obviously when we were nights we snaffled it and took turns to race aroundthe place on it. Eventually he cottoned onto this and from then on got the security guard to lock it away at nights. He also used to carry one of those iron briefcase things to work and if he wasn't working he'd open it on his desk and rummage around in it, slamming it shut if he heard someone come near him. Once a team leader from our shift opened it when he was on his break and it was full of food packaging and sweetie papers He must have noticed that his briefcase was out of position (think the penguin in Misery) so he sent an email to everyonein the team saying that he was very disappointed and that if anyone wanted to look in his briefcase we should just ask him. He also used to come into work insanely early, like six hours before his shift was due to start and just sat around. He was bizarrely keen and seemed to think this would do him good in his career. However, it didn't mainly because the manager of the place had to tell him to stop it as his 18 hour a day stints were threatening the insurance. His career prospects were probably more harmed by the fact that his ex girlfriend worked in theupstairs office and she had a restraining order against him due to the fact that he stalked her after they split up. This meant that he missed out on training coursesand couldn't apply for any promotions as most of the interviews were done upstairs. How staying in the office for a ridiculous ammount of time would make his employers forget that they had a loon on the staff is beyond me. He was thick as horseshit anyway. Another favourite was Neil, a guy I worked with after getting a promotion of sorts. Neil was an older guy, most of the people there were in their early 20's. He was about 45 and when I first joined the team he was pretty quiet but he was always keen on a night out. This was because he had a drink problem. He wouldn't drink all the time but if he got started he didn't finish for days/weeks/months. He took a holiday once and didn't come back to work for four or five months. The company couldn't contact him and after a month or so sentthe police round to check he wasn't dead. He admitted he had 'a problem' and was allowed back. That's when the fun really began. When he came back he was quite different, he was obviously on medication to control his urges towards drinking and it turned him into a walking comedy sketch. He would jive across the office, call everyone man and constantly, I mean constantly, hum to himself. I used to sit next to him and it was like sitting next to a radio constantly tuned to Jazz FM. "Dooo bee doo doo doo bap doo wop doo waaaah" for every second of the 8 hour shift. He would also talk/sing to himself about what he was doing, as Swampy remembers. So if it was his week doing the morning reports you'd get "doo bee doo be dobeee, ahh'mmm doooooin the morning report, doop doo dee waaah". Eventually he'd take things that were said or mentioned and work them into his routine. So if someone said "Who's coming fro lunch? I fancy a sandwich" you'd get about 30 seconds later "Lunchy lunchy woo beee doooo". This was noticed and we'd deliberately mentioning things completely out of context to get them into his songs. One notable occasion was when a mate of mine stood up apropos of nothing and said very loudly "GLOVES" and sat down. Thirty seconds later "gloves, wooo hoo dop yeah, gloves yeahh" Neil eventually left, the company gave him an ace reference to get rid of him. On one of his drinking benders (which continued despite his treatment) he saw our line manager shopping with his wife and kids and followed him around Tesco shouting abuse, probably like thisL "dooo bee doo deee doo you are a c**toooo". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I used to also work with this character: Link1 Link2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Francesc Fabregas Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 lol He's got two different ages in each of those profiles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 lolHe's got two different ages in each of those profiles. He is a quite remarkable liar. He variously told people during my time working with him: - That he had been in the army - That he had suffered from testicular cancer - That he was Dutch - That he was South African - That he was entering a sponsored cycle race across South Africa for two weeks. - That he had worked offshore - That he was dyslexic - That he earned £30,000+ None of these things are true. A former flatmate of his filled us in on him after he left work. He had been a helper at Army Cadet training but the Cadets had started to notice things go missing and he became prime suspect. They went round to his flat to ask him if he knew anything about it and he answered the door in a full officers uniform. It's funny on so many levels: that he would steal Cadet officer uniforms, that he was sit around the house wearing them, that he would answer the door in it. He lived in a dodgy sub-let flat and when the landlord found out he kicked him out, although he did ask if he could live in the garden in a tent He also had the worst personal hygiene I've been exposed to. He stank of filth - sometimes it was like shit, sometimes like piss, sometimes musty. He didn't wash his clothes properly and once insisted that the brown mark on his white shirt was a design (he emailed this to our team of 20 odd people). He just reeked, it was indesribably awful, boke inducing. He smelled like the girls in FF's favourite Nightshift video. He had weird greasy hair an dyellow teeth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swampy Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I feel sorry for the guy in Chris's post, knowing he's an alcoholic, but at the same time... ... "GLOVES" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraser_smfc Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Aw cheers Chris for posting those The tale about the guy who was an alcoholic actually had me crying with laughter. GLOVES! Brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiG Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Chris that is simply brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I think that Caleyking and Carlos both worked in my old work, although I don't think either of them encountered those three guys. the alcoholic guy used to say 'koneecheewah' (Japanese for hello?) all the time, I mean all the time. One of the guys on the desk spoke Japanese after doing a semester in Uni over there and I think we started saying it to him as a joke but Neil just said it all the time, constantly. Especially when he was excited, like when we were going to the pub. The conversation would go thus: ME: "So coming to the pub tonight James?" James: "I think so, should be good..." Neil (interjecting): "Doo be doo, you guys going to the pub?" Us (awkwardly): "Er, yes..." Neil (face lighting up like a dementd Chirstmas tree: "Koneeeeeeecheewaaaaaaa!" A strange chap. He left to work for Scotrail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Half A Person Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 "Doo be doo, you guys going to the pub?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shengus Khan Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I think that Caleyking and Carlos both worked in my old work, although I don't think either of them encountered those three guys.the alcoholic guy used to say 'koneecheewah' (Japanese for hello?) all the time, I mean all the time. One of the guys on the desk spoke Japanese after doing a semester in Uni over there and I think we started saying it to him as a joke but Neil just said it all the time, constantly. Especially when he was excited, like when we were going to the pub. The conversation would go thus: ME: "So coming to the pub tonight James?" James: "I think so, should be good..." Neil (interjecting): "Doo be doo, you guys going to the pub?" Us (awkwardly): "Er, yes..." Neil (face lighting up like a dementd Chirstmas tree: "Koneeeeeeecheewaaaaaaa!" A strange chap. He left to work for Scotrail. That isn't much of a surprise to be honest. Doo be doo da tickets please doo da de. Great stories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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