Town Characters

[Bluenose5]

There is a guy that gets called the Catman and he lives on a block of land on one of the main roads which has two little wooden huts on it and no electricity supply whatsoever. He lives with heaps of cats obviously and he always wears shorts rain hail or shine.

There was a lady tramp called the 'bird woman' that was always down at the local park and as soon as she went to the park hundreds of pigeons just flocked to her, much like that tramp from the movie Home Alone.

Another one was this old homeless Jewish guy that used to wander up to the main street and sit on his little chair at a doorway of a shop and sleep all day. Haven't seen him in a couple of years though.

[Lordofthewing]

My last work was terrible for Bo'nessians. If someone from Bo'ness was in for a job, they usually got it.

Dont get me wrong some of the guys were great lads, but some were real p***ks.

Mainly the management to be fair, they were usually dicks and usually Rangers fans

That's one reason I wouldnae work in the shunk doon at Bo'yuck, far too many of the fcukers

[Lordofthewing]

the fat guy who kicks about falkirk his t-shirt is covered in food and to small so his gut always hangs out - black hair, stinks and has a beard.

ohhhh cant forget "the couple" - the guy has a grey comb over, wears huge specs, normally sporting a shirt and tie, trackie bottoms, black slip ons and white socks. Thte wife stinks of pish and always has some head gear on and a walking stick.

Sounds like a generic Falkirk bloke

[davidkennedyshand]

Ayr has Reggie Gibson.

Most of the time he's lying there in a pool of his own pish but occasionally in moments of clarity he'll get up and walk down the high street with any passing posh woman just to annoy them

.

He was barred from the Gaiety as he used to come in to the Cafe Bar if it was busy and walk straight over to the hatch at the kitchen,lean over and grab the ladel from the soup pot and start eating the soup until the waitresses came back stage to get us to ask him to leave.

Also made the Daily Record when he was charged with "Aggresively jumping in puddles" in Ayr town centre.He tried top get out of a custodial sentence by saying he had nobody to watch his dog...it didnt work.

We also have an old woman who you generally dont see in the town but always seems to be on buses i get.She sits pointing at everyone on the bus making bird chirp type noises(and she's actually pretty good at it) however on occasion she'll get on with a punnet of cherries and fling them at passengers and look away as if she hadn't done it.

[Guest Ron Burgundy]

Jimmy spiders springs to mind in Glasgow city center, mention spiders to him and he goes off on a mad rant and then runs away, usually seen carrying a bottle of irn bru.

Fucks sakes SPIDERS....jesus I feel really bad about him.....if you shouted Spiders at him he would go off on a mad rant about hating women and punching them...he was wild.

We saw him with what appeared to be his mother one day...genetics are not kind!

[Guest Ron Burgundy]

laughed out loud at the "upped his game" for about 15 seconds tremendous

I've heard an expansion on the Connolly story, inasmuch as the two of them were KB'd from Rogano one night, so the big yin got two fish suppers and ate them at the front window facing in the way. As you say, could well be pish.

ooh he did "up his game" considerably. Midweek he was just your run of the mill jakey but come the weekend he was on fire. I can picture him wandering up Sauchiehall Street with his mannequinn leg stuffed under his slightly stained Mac in a jake the peg stylee.

I never grudged giving him dosh but occasionally he would turn up with a partner in jakey crime. You'd give auld John the dosh and he'd make eyes towards the pal like you had to subsidise his windowlene as well.

[H_B]

I never grudged giving him dosh but occasionally he would turn up with a partner in jakey crime. You'd give auld John the dosh and he'd make eyes towards the pal like you had to subsidise his windowlene as well.

You should be able to get a book of Jakey Etiquette, just so you know what the done thing is in all situations, with little quiz questions.

Chapter 1 - Correct Responses to Jakey Rants

You are walking down the street when a jakey lurches towards you from the other side of the pavement, in an attempt to engage you in a monologue about his time in the forces/his wife who died some time ago/the aliens who abducted him last night.

Do you :-

i) Walk hastily on, feigning interest in your watch or an object in the distance

ii) Await approaching jakey's rant, earnestly nodding at the appropriate points.

iii) Intercept jakey en route to your side of the pavement with a cheery "Hail fellow. Well met." type of enthusiasm, thus outmanoevring the jakey and taking you out of range of his breenging.

[Guest stennyhibee]

You should be able to get a book of Jakey Etiquette, just so you know what the done thing is in all situations, with little quiz questions.

Chapter 1 - Correct Responses to Jakey Rants

You are walking down the street when a jakey lurches towards you from the other side of the pavement, in an attempt to engage you in a monologue about his time in the forces/his wife who died some time ago/the aliens who abducted him last night.

Do you :-

i) Walk hastily on, feigning interest in your watch or an object in the distance

ii) Await approaching jakey's rant, earnestly nodding at the appropriate points.

iii) Intercept jakey en route to your side of the pavement with a cheery "Hail fellow. Well met." type of enthusiasm, thus outmanoevring the jakey and taking you out of range of his breenging.

Option iii) If I was feeling brave. Otherwise option ii)

Option i) is plain rude!

[Lordofthewing]

You should be able to get a book of Jakey Etiquette, just so you know what the done thing is in all situations, with little quiz questions.

Chapter 1 - Correct Responses to Jakey Rants

You are walking down the street when a jakey lurches towards you from the other side of the pavement, in an attempt to engage you in a monologue about his time in the forces/his wife who died some time ago/the aliens who abducted him last night.

Do you :-

i) Walk hastily on, feigning interest in your watch or an object in the distance

ii) Await approaching jakey's rant, earnestly nodding at the appropriate points.

iii) Intercept jakey en route to your side of the pavement with a cheery "Hail fellow. Well met." type of enthusiasm, thus outmanoevring the jakey and taking you out of range of his breenging.

I think we should all work to write The Official PnB Book of Jakey Etiquette, it would make a fortune! Ps option 1 is mainly used on folk with clipboards or those 'Gouranga' people mainly found in Glasgow and Edinburgh. The only people I will walk toward are people selling Snap Faxes at the start of the uni year (despite being a dropout my student ID is still valid).

Back on to ur point, there's a fourth option, which is make sure someone else is closer to the jakey than u r, tho that is again mainly used on clipboard or Gouranga people.

[footiechick]

Falkirk also has pyscho stevie as he is affectionately known, barred from drinking in every pub in the town, allegedly ran passed a queue at the old cinema, naked pleasuring himself.

When I was working in Btw one night he was in and wondering around as was his way, he was at this point leaving Jesus calling cards on all the tables, so I goes up to him and said he had to leave at this point he reaches for another card to give to me, he had none left so instead gave me his libary card and walked off, that library card may possibly still be behind the bar. He is a fucking pyscho.

Is that the guy with the MASSIVE forehead??

[DAFC]

There's a guy whos always in Dunfermline town centre that is the spit of Ronaldo.

Gets called Disco Deek, always runs everywhere and has a bottle of coke with him usually.

Used to get music shops to put tunes on so he could dance about.

[flogelsleftpeg]

Is that the guy with the MASSIVE forehead??

Yeah it is he went through a spell of walking around with a set of golf clubs. That was a bit fucking strange.

Old Matt that drinks the Guinness is a jake but a really good guy when you catch half cut, you cant get a word of sense out of him otherwise, hes got a massive pension from the BP and just pisses it up against a wall, never seen him eat ever.

[Gaz]

Just remembered another one, Pint and a Half Man. Drinks in Firkins seven nights of the week but not all night, but will always pop in for a pint and a half. Old guy with stereotypical old man clothes and white hair. Seen him last night!

[Ebanda's Handyman Services]

Fleskie/Yankie - Not quite right in the head. Has something against the Americans.

Give me time to think of more.

There is a chap down the road from me called "flesky". he has severe tourettes, and he is also an arsonist. It's guaranteed that at least a couple of nights during the week, the fire brigade will be seen whizzing past the end of the road, en route to his house. When he goes down the shops, he is often a target of the kids. A swift cry of "haw, flesky" in his direction is often met with a barrage of "f**k you! b*****ds! c**ts! w**kers" for a good few minutes.

Flesky is a fucking nutter, he'll punch you if you get close enough.

Any of the Kirkcaldy folk remember 'The Addams Family'?

Two children (In their thirties) and their mum and dad that used to walk around together all the time, they dressed like it was still 1970.

I remember when I was a bairn, maybe about 8 years old I said hello to them on the passing and they just looked terrified, like they didnt know what to say back.

After that they got the Addams family theme tune sang at them.

[Johnstoun]

You should be able to get a book of Jakey Etiquette, just so you know what the done thing is in all situations, with little quiz questions.

That would make an awesome book of the Steve Jackson dice rolling variety!

[Bring Back Paddy Flannery]

we had 'old chick' the alcoholic who stood outside the chippy and tried to chat up all the old dears whilst clinging on to his bottle of frostys. hes unfortunately dead now

been a few classic chick moments. once he had shit himself and it had ran down his leg and was all over his shoe. we generally used to stop and ask how he is etc but on this occasion we thought it would be best to walk past to avoid a shitty chick. my mate totally confused by the situation was like 'what ye on about its just curry sauce hes spilled' this was due to the yellow colour of his shite hes still getting slagged for that

also seen him fighting two neds who tried to steal his cider and he was so steamin the neds managed to put him in the dumpster next to the chippy, and all we could hear was wee chick shouting 'get tae f**k' over and over again. samaritans that we are, we helped him out and thankfully this time he hadnt shit himself.

he died a couple of years ago and the only other character we have is a wee old man who goes around calling people a fanny and trying to fight them.

[Adamski]

There's a guy you used to always see wandering about the streets in the West End of Glasgow. Lank greasy hair, Celtic puffa jacket, used to walk the streets approaching people and come into pubs looking for money. Really distinctive whiny 'sceeeuse me Sir' line he'd try every time. Anyone who has spent much time in the area over the past few years is bound to have been approached by him.

Ach I suppose you can't blame the guy for having a bit more initiative than the average tramp - taking his business to the customers rather than waiting for them to come to him. Or something. Me and my mates had this theory that he was actually loaded and spent his evenings sw**king it up all suited and booted in the bars on Ashton Lane.

Not seen him for a while now actually. Not sure if he's still around.

[Adamski]

There is an old guy, that dresses up ALL the time - I mean all the time. One day he'll be a cowboy in full cowboy attire, complete with hat and leather jacket with the tassels at the back. The next day he'll be a minister-type character. And this is perfectly normal apparently

Not sure if it's the same guy, but there's an older guy I often see whose dress sense I could best describe as part biker, part cowboy and part native American. Big handlebar moustache, shades, biker jacket, tassles, those dream catcher things hanging from his jacket, big picture of native american chief on the back, cowboy boots etc etc. Actually think he lives in Dalbeattie.

There's also a guy who looks like Jesus who you used to always see either walking along the roads between Dumfries, Dalbeattie and Castle Douglas, or in a pub sitting on his own in the corner writing out pages of maths formulas. I think someone told me he was once a professor of something or another. Think he might have died a few years ago though.

[Neilly]

Just remembered another one, Pint and a Half Man. Drinks in Firkins seven nights of the week but not all night, but will always pop in for a pint and a half. Old guy with stereotypical old man clothes and white hair. Seen him last night!

Think I know the one you are on about, also has the most purple nose ever?

Also Wee Ross who drinks in Firkins, looks about 50 and always orders a bottle of Stella but pours it into a pint glass, most bizarre.

[Gaz]

Think I know the one you are on about, also has the most purple nose ever?

Also Wee Ross who drinks in Firkins, looks about 50 and always orders a bottle of Stella but pours it into a pint glass, most bizarre.

Don't know Wee Ross but Pint and a Half Man does indeed have the purplest nose I've ever seen.

He always looks so happy, I reckon he wakes up every morning looking for the evening when he can go into Firkins for his Tennents and House.