Petty Things That Get On Your Nerves...

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

My left eye has started to twitch all by it's own accord. Makes me think I'm having the world slowest stroke.

Wild West Show

Oh, we´re off to see the wild west show

The elephant and the kangeroo

Never mind the weather

As long as we´re together

We´re off to see the wild west show

In the first cage we have the laughing hyena

(Everybody: Amazing, incredible! What the f**k an animal is that?!?!)

This animal lives way up on the moutains

Once, every year, it comes down to drink

Once, every two year, it comes down to drink

And once, every three years, it comes down to have a sexual intercourse

But why is he laughing then ?

Because tonight, it´s THE night !

In the second cage, ladies and gentleman,

We have the Urang-Utang

Well the Urang-Utang lives in the deep jungle of Borneo

And he has two enormous balls,

One of iron, the other of brass

So when he jumps from one tree to another

His balls go: urang-u-tang, urang-u-tang.

In the third cage, ladies and gentleman,

We have the constipated elephant

Well, the elephant has an enormous appetite

In one day it eats two tons of hay.

One dozen bunches of bananas and twenty buckets of rice

And fifty pounds of prunes to cure his constipation.

Madam, don´t stand to near the animal´s backside !

Madam, Madam,….too late. George dig her out,

And if she´s still alive, give her her money back.

In the fourth cage, ladies and gentleman,

We have the little Oo-Ah-bird.

The little Oo-Ah-bird ?

What the fucking hell is that ?

Well, the little Oh-Ah-bird is a small bird,

Which lays big, square eggs.

So, every time it lays an egg, it shouts:

Oo-Ah, Oo-Ah !

And in the next cage we have the winky-wanky-bird.

By some strange incident, the nervous system of

This birds eyelids is connected to its foreskin

So, every time it winks, it wanks, and

every time it wanks, its winks.

You boy, stop throwing sand in the birds eyes.

And here we have the fff-fff-fff-bird.

This bird flies at tremendous hights.

Then suddenly it takes a dive straight to the earth.

One yard above the ground it opens it´s wings

And just one inch above the ground it takes a turn

While saying: ” That was fff-fff-fff- fucking close.

And in the next cage we have the: oei-oei-me balls-bird

This bird is a bird with very short leggs and very bigg balls

And every time it lands it yells:

“Oei-oei-me balls, Oei-oei-me balls” !

And here we have the leopard.

Yes, on it´s coat the leopard has one spot for every day of the year.

What about a leap year ?

“George, lift up the animals tail”.

And in the next cage we have the pi-balled pony.

This is a strange, very small animal, because it has

Balls which are exactly 3,14159 inches big.

And here we have a very rare creature;

It´s a member of the Where-for-the-f**k-are-we tribe.

The Where-for-the-f**k-are-we tribe are very short people

Who live in Africa in very long grass.

So every time you can see them jumping:

“Where-for-the-f**k-are-we,

where-for-the-f**k-are-we !”

And in the last cage we have the lama

The lama is an animal which lives in the mountains

Of South America, and each time when it gets angry,

It does …………..

The last animal of the show, ladies and gentleman,

We have the Bye-bye bird.

Well the Bye-bye bird sits on the gate

And every time someone leaves it says:

“Oh, piss off”.

[BFTD]

The house is suddenly full of monsters everywhere. I saw the largest house spider I've ever seen yesterday, and tonight the wean says he saw something eldritch and horrifying crawl under the covers on our bed.

Our fucking bed.

The wife's welcome to it; I'm sleeping on the couch tonight and mixing up some napalm in the morning. f**k it, we're insured.

[1320Lichtie]

People going on about the forces as if they're heroes and like we should be extremely grateful for them

I couldn't give a flying f**k about the British Army/Navy/Air Force, usually absolute jake balls that can't get jobs that join and I see them out starting fights every week in Arbroath for no reason

#FuckTheTroops

[mizfit]

People going on about the forces as if they're heroes and like we should be extremely grateful for them

I couldn't give a flying f**k about the British Army/Navy/Air Force, usually absolute jake balls that can't get jobs that join and I see them out starting fights every week in Arbroath for no reason

#FuckTheTroops

A girl I know recently started going out with a soldier. Decided to scope his Facebook and was quite shocked at the posts the hatred of anything non-British. Naturally he's a Rangers fan who's profile picture is him in uniform at Ibrox.

Edited September 16, 2015 by mizfit

[UltimateDAFC]

When you leave your French Toast in the pan too long and it gets burnt

FTFY.

[1320Lichtie]

A girl I know recently started going out with a soldier. Decided to scope his Facebook and was quite shocked at the posts the hatred of anything non-British. Naturally he's a Rangers fan who's profile picture is him in uniform at Ibrox.

Absolute stereotype, does my nut in

Seeing this prompted my first post

Just f**k right off

[BuddieInDundee]

To be fair if it was the same scenario as WW1 or WW2 I'd have a lot respect for the forces.

Why I need to fall down at the feet of a bunch of self righteous arseholes because they themselves have chosen a stupid job that involves going to equally stupid wars is beyond me.

[1320Lichtie]

To be fair if it was the same scenario as WW1 or WW2 I'd have a lot respect for the forces.

Totally agree with that!!

[~~~]

To be fair if it was the same scenario as WW1 or WW2 I'd have a lot respect for the forces.

Why I need to fall down at the feet of a bunch of self righteous arseholes because they themselves have chosen a stupid job that involves going to equally stupid wars is beyond me.

Yeah, you'd almost be forgiven for not realising today armed forced are a paid professional army.

[Raidernation]

Yeah, you'd almost be forgiven for not realising today armed forced are a paid professional army.

Aye, but we all know refugee, immigrant, single mother, ISIS, lesbian, white van driving, dog stealing, child stealing, dole-cheats get 200 times as much in benefits as our "brave boys" get paid

[BFTD]

How are you enjoying the military propaganda over in the States, Raidernation?

[welshbairn]

Absolute stereotype, does my nut in

Seeing this prompted my first post

ImageUploadedByPie & Bovril1442439647.728168.jpg

Just f**k right off

I'm sure all our brave boys who died at Monte Cassino would be delighted that it would be so Grant, Marcia and the little ones could one day have an holiday in Italy.

[Bobby Skidmarks]

Went to bed feeling fine. Woke up with a cold

That's the first symptom of AIDS.

'On the Streets of Bo'Ness........'

[Fae_the_'briggs]

Hate it when I'm being served in a shop or office and they stop serving me when the phone rings and the person dealing with me answers it. I am left in limbo while the person on the other end of the phone gets dealt with before me, even though I have taken the time to come into the shop/office and probably had to queue before being served. What is it about a ringing phone that makes people have to answer it right away even though they are serving someone already. The height of ignorance and bad manners if you ask me.

[Deeboy]

They've already got your custom and by answering the phone they can possibly secure more. If you haven't paid, just walk away.

[Sweet Pete]

To be fair if it was the same scenario as WW1 or WW2 I'd have a lot respect for the forces.

Why I need to fall down at the feet of a bunch of self righteous arseholes because they themselves have chosen a stupid job that involves going to equally stupid wars is beyond me.

I started a thread on here a bit over five years ago (I know the timeframe thanks to Facebook's "on this day function" which reminded me of starting my current job and doing my military tests etc) about joining the army. My issue at the time was that I was in a work environment that was so incredibly awful it was making me seriously ill and in my desperation to find a way out of that I reverted back to my childhood ideas of playing soldiers and (literally in this case) running away to join the army. It seemed a logical choice at the time in a desperate situation. I passed all my entry tests with scores 27% above average. And then I hurt my knee playing fives and they dropped me like a hot stone. And you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately got fired, got a new job and escaped the problems that had sent me in that direction in the first place. I'd have made a dreadful soldier.

Eta: my point being that, for me, though I have zero interest in the crown, the government or any of that shite, the military represented a literal escape, cliché as that is.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Sweet Pete

[Miguel Sanchez]

I started a thread on here a bit over five years ago (I know the timeframe thanks to Facebook's "on this day function" which reminded me of starting my current job and doing my military tests etc) about joining the army. My issue at the time was that I was in a work environment that was so incredibly awful it was making me seriously ill and in my desperation to find a way out of that I reverted back to my childhood ideas of playing soldiers and (literally in this case) running away to join the army. It seemed a logical choice at the time in a desperate situation. I passed all my entry tests with scores 27% above average. And then I hurt my knee playing fives and they dropped me like a hot stone. And you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately got fired, got a new job and escaped the problems that had sent me in that direction in the first place. I'd have made a dreadful soldier.

Eta: my point being that, for me, though I have zero interest in the crown, the government or any of that shite, the military represented a literal escape, cliché as that is.

Why didn't you just run away and join the circus?

[Raidernation]

How are you enjoying the military propaganda over in the States, Raidernation?

I really don't bother watching the news, except in the morning to see how fucked up I55 is before I drive to work. I think "being a foreigner" I miss a lot of it (never watch Fox unless for NFL), and my brother in law is a stick on for lunacy on facebook (he thinks Trump is great!).

Still get most of my news fro either the EE online or bbc.co.uk

[Bobby Skidmarks]

Why didn't you just run away and join the circus?

Sweet Pete would make a great bearded lady. Cracking pair of tits on him.

[kev23]

I'm not an Aberdeen fan but this annoyed me this morning. I know I should come to expect this by reading a paper such as the Record but nonetheless, f**k sake.