Feeling like an adult

[throbber]

1 hour ago, Hedgecutter said:

This might apply to me or my other half for all I know, but various people seem to ask/prod without considering that the reason we haven’t had kids might not be for reasons of our choosing.  I could imagine it being somewhat troubling and even rather upsetting for people who are attempting to have kids but just can’t.  Doesn’t seem to stop folk who should really be minding their own business though.

I was guilty of this a few years back when my Mrs was pregnant and we were speaking to a couple we know very well who were congratulating us on being pregnant. Said couple had been together 10 years and married about 3 years and were a stick on to be expecting in the aftermath of their wedding yet we responded to their congratulations by asking them when they were going to start popping them out (or words to that effect). A few hours later I was drunkenly harping on about the conception and how it happened on the first attempt whilst the lady of the couple was half in the conversation, she laughed it off of course and there was no malice in it but I can’t imagine it made her feel much better and should probably have had the presence of mind to realise they were struggling to have kids.

[Jacksgranda]

33 minutes ago, Monkey Tennis said:

It's a sort of mindset/confidence thing.

I think it has less to do with the markers that have been identified here along the lines of employment, kids, mortgages etc than is sometimes implied.

In a conventionally, boring way, these things are generally in place for me, and I'm happy with my lot.  I'm also of an age where I can safely say I'd be considered a grown up.  

However, I always feel a bit as if I'll get found out.  I don't see myself as an adult, in the way I looked at my parents, when they were even a good bit younger than I am now.

I genuinely doubt if that'll feel any different ten years from now, by which time I'll hopefully have retired.

That's me, too.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

1 hour ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

 

I'll be 49 next year. 

[Sergeant Wilson]

3 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

I'll be 49 next year. 

God willing.

[101]

2 hours ago, Hedgecutter said:

I’m getting the “if we ever have kids” line more frequently I’ve noticed.  Jury is still out on whether this is a genuine comment, or whether it is more of a prod.

I could very, very happily go without kids and (in a similar vein to the aforementioned forced relationship thing) don’t want to have them just because society tells me to.  In fact, I might genuinely come to regret it altogether.  However, there are only so many times you can hear the line “everyone says that, but it’s different when they’re your own” from other people before ‘punch in the puss’ appears further up the mental drop-down menu of possible reactions.

Tick tock, tick tock...

I'm in my 20's an I genuinely think having kids would be incredibly selfish thing for me to do as their life is likely to be awful as the planet burns up and they live in a rock that will kill all life on earth eventually - I would hate to choose to put anyone through that.

I don't feel like an adult and I'm glad

[Melanius Mullarkey]

10 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

God willing.

Thats the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

U ok ***? x

[Sergeant Wilson]

2 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Thats the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

U ok ***? x

It's probably the nicest thing anyone has said to you.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

3 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

It's probably the nicest thing anyone has said to you.

The wife recently thanked me for being such an annoying c**t.

Which I thought was nice. 

[DA Baracus]

I don't think I expressed clearly in the first post what I was getting it.

Definitely what I wrote is part of it, but it's more a feeling of not only not feeling like an adult, but not feeling like anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or fit in anywhere. I don't have a direction or purpose. I feel like I'm totally adrift in the ocean alone (as dramatic as it sounds). 

Perhaps not the right thread for this. Maybe it's more a commentary on society as it is now.

[Scary Bear]

16 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I don't think I expressed clearly in the first post what I was getting it.

Definitely what I wrote is part of it, but it's more a feeling of not only not feeling like an adult, but not feeling like anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or fit in anywhere. I don't have a direction or purpose. I feel like I'm totally adrift in the ocean alone (as dramatic as it sounds). 

Perhaps not the right thread for this. Maybe it's more a commentary on society as it is now.

Have you ever thought about taking up a hobby? You just need to convince yourself that Trainspotting or caving or cycling or golfing or some other nonsense is really important and dedicate your life to that. Maybe just get really into football?

If that feels like too much of a commitment then just go a walk occasionally and see where it takes you.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Scary Bear

[Scary Bear]

3 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

I don't think I expressed clearly in the first post what I was getting it.

Definitely what I wrote is part of it, but it's more a feeling of not only not feeling like an adult, but not feeling like anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or fit in anywhere. I don't have a direction or purpose. I feel like I'm totally adrift in the ocean alone (as dramatic as it sounds). 

Perhaps not the right thread for this. Maybe it's more a commentary on society as it is now.

I’ll have a go at a serious reply. You probably have preconceived ideas about what it is to be an adult. 

Lots of people are alone but in most cases it’s because that’s just what happens in life. People have their routines. Some stay, some move away, some get married/divorced, some get good jobs, some don’t, some get ill (possibly due to raging at shitty spellcheckers that don’t like the word ‘ill’), some die, etc. As long as you can keep contact with a few pals, and keep your health and sanity then you’re doing okay.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Scary Bear

[D.A.F.C]

40 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I don't think I expressed clearly in the first post what I was getting it.

Definitely what I wrote is part of it, but it's more a feeling of not only not feeling like an adult, but not feeling like anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or fit in anywhere. I don't have a direction or purpose. I feel like I'm totally adrift in the ocean alone (as dramatic as it sounds). 

Perhaps not the right thread for this. Maybe it's more a commentary on society as it is now.

Look at friend groups, hardly any of them are deep or meaningful, just a few drinks at the pub or playing/watching football. I found boozing to get very boring quickly and the same old shite every week. I think you’d be a good football pundit like a less annoying Chris Sutton correcting all the mistakes made by sportsound pundits. 
One thing I’ve learned is to try and stop caring what other people think. Who cares. Wow you’ve got three kids, a big fancy house. So what you’ve probably also got massive regrets and debt and can’t do whatever you want to do. Everyone is different.

[BFTD]

16 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

I don't think I expressed clearly in the first post what I was getting it.

Definitely what I wrote is part of it, but it's more a feeling of not only not feeling like an adult, but not feeling like anything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere or fit in anywhere. I don't have a direction or purpose. I feel like I'm totally adrift in the ocean alone (as dramatic as it sounds). 

Perhaps not the right thread for this. Maybe it's more a commentary on society as it is now.

The most important thing to remember is that you're by no means special; there'll be millions of folk who have the same feelings, and most will be thinking about how much more confident, happy, and successful the people around them seem. Even Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen could have found a kindred spirit in the other. In years gone by, people only had their friends and neighbours to compare themselves to, but now we have a proliferation of different forms of media, all of which seem desperate to show us images of wealthy, happy people from all corners of the globe, and we seem to be in the process of fetishising psychopathy too. No wonder so many people feel they've failed just by living a modest life.

Try not to get hung up on the things you think you should have. If you find yourself thinking about that kind of stuff a lot, maybe Scary Bear is right; find something fun to fill your thoughts with.

As far as feeling like an adult goes, my old man is in his Eighties now and says he's never felt mentally older than 21. I think that's how it is for most people; everyone will still have times when they struggle to cope with something and wish they still had their mum/dad to help. You just slowly build layers of knowledge and experience and eventually realise you can cope on your own. I've had a dreadful year, but I'm still plodding along and (mostly) managing to do what needs to be done, even if it's not being done well. First time I've really felt like an adult, and I'm in my Forties now.

[Guest bernardblack]

I can’t remember the film but there’s a line that stuck with me:

 

“Nobody feels like an adult, it’s the worlds dirty little secret”

 

 

[Hedgecutter]

2 minutes ago, bernardblack said:

I can’t remember the film but there’s a line that stuck with me:

“Nobody feels like an adult, it’s the worlds dirty little secret”

(Richard Jenkins in) Liberal Arts

[Jambomo]

3 hours ago, Jacksgranda said:

How would you know that without having any?

Although if you did and found out it wasn't for you, it would be a bit late...

Just visit friends with kids. If you always want to leave after 30mins, then you know you aren’t going to survive the 16+ years until you can make your own kids leave home.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Jambomo

[Bairnardo]

Just visit friends with kids. If you always want to leave after 30mins, then you know you aren’t going to survive the 16+ years until you can make your own kids leave home.

Na that doesnt work. I cant stand other folks kids generally, with wee laddies over 5 being the particular absolute pits IMO

[doulikefish]

Im officially an adult ....not even the 23rd  of December and i ordered some xmas pressies today

['WellDel]

What you have to realise, DA, is that no two peoples lives pan out exactly the same, and comparing yourself to others, or measuring yourself against their perceived success/happiness is a completely futile and pointless exercise. 

I know from your posts on here that you struggle from time to time, but your posting style lends me to think that you are a thoroughly decent guy with a lot to offer. 

I stopped giving a single f**k about anyone else's riches and boasts long ago, and believe me your life and mental state is so much better for it. Facebook and the likes are cesspits of 'look at me' arseholes and sad fucks desperate to keep up with the Jones's. Half of them are in unhappy relationships and mired in debt, all to keep up the pretence of their perceived perfect life. It's all bullshit and best avoided. 

I have only a few long time friends that I keep in touch with occasionally, then my football group who meet up for a few beers at home games and have a couple of away days throughout the season for a blowout (in normal seasons anyway). Other than that I'm as happy as a pig in shit at home in my wee man cave or out for an occasional meal with the wife. 

Find a career or hobby you really want to pursue and focus on that, and on your physical and mental health. Being an adult is just another perception or myth. Two years ago, at the age of 45 and after years of bouncing from job to job, I finally landed a responsible position that pays fairly well , but as soon as I'm off duty I'm just the same dickhead with a juvenile sense of humour that I've always been. 

Focus on you and no-one else, bin the 'being an adult' mindset and pointless comparisons. Things will fall into place when you least expect it, I guarantee you. 

[Bert Raccoon]

I'm 38, I've no kids, can't drive, have never married and have never owned my own home. Thankfully I've got the money together no to buy a house so that's one down but I do feel that I'm missing out when everyone else I know has the wife and kids. As much as not having any ties is great as is not having anyone to answer to, I can't say that sometimes I'd like to have did things differently.