Feeling like an adult

[DA Baracus]

I'm almost certainly not expressing this correctly, but though I'd give it a go.

I don't feel like an adult, as if in a grown up person with responsibilities.

I don't mean this in a 'haha lol' way. I don't mean this in way where folk can't comprehend that you aren't out getting pished every weekend way.

It's difficult to articulate (like a stiff spider) but I feel like I am not an adult. I feel like I have performed rather terribly in life to date. I don't have a mortgage, I don't have a partner, I didn't have savings, I don't have a car, I don't have a pension, I don't have..anything.

But it's more than that. I'm struggling to express it. I see other adults and I can't recognise myself in them. I can't see myself as like them.

Even thinking of my parents I don't see myself as an adult like they were. I would never go to a carpet shop or buy furniture (although that's because I don't own a place and never will).

I don't know, maybe my issues have done me in and so folk are laughing at my pathetic pish. I think I've fucked it and have missed my shot. I wanted things but I was weak so fucked it.

 

Anyway, enough mewling. Off track, sorry. I can't explain it adequately,

Edited October 18, 2020 by DA Baracus

[LondonHMFC]

26 minutes ago, DA Baracus said:

But it's more than that. I'm struggling to express it. I see other adults and I can't recognise myself in them. I can't see myself as like them.

I think this is an issue in itself. We all compare ourselves to others. 

I'd say up until the start of this year, I was in a relatively good "life position" (definitely just made that up). Had a long term partner, had savings, were going to buy a house etc etc. Then the relationship finished, had to use my savings to clear some new found debt, and now find myself in a position where I was around 10 years ago. However I am a lot happier for it. 

Far too easy to think life is as simple as - grow up, buy house, marry, have kids, retire, the end. Not going to be like that for everybody, everyone has there own unique set of circumstances. 

 

[Tight minge]

Pretty much what LondonHMFC highlighted. Not everyone is cut out for conforming to pre-set expectations of life and circumstances always get in the way. Everyone has varying degrees of baggage flung at them from all angles which no one will ever understand or account for in judgement.

Mortgage, kids, career progression is not the only measure of success as you need to decide what your goal (what you want out of life) actually is.

I slipped into the mortgage, marriage, 9-5 as ‘it was the way’ many years ago. Found it mind numbingly boring. Got out of it and fucked off. That was a huge decision to make, but the best I ever did. It has been a very up and down life after that and that itself would not be for most, but loved it, even when things have been shit.

Maybe your current situation may be in part because you yourself have fucked up, in part because of baggage elsewhere and mostly as the life your thinking about is not the one you really want or are cut out for. No need to dwell on the past, just the right now and getting from there to the next station in your life, whatever that is.

You just need to figure out what will make you feel content.

If you ask people, nearly everyone has considered emigrating, doing something different or such like but never actually do (for many reasons). Thats no criticism, what it does show that there is clearly more than one way to live a life.

[Bairnardo]

I still think of myself as how I did when I was in my early 20s. I dont feel old. I still feel like a daft laddie who is mixing in the adult world and doing adult things. 

I have a pal who is now 60 and he says that never goes away. 

[Jambomo]

6 hours ago, DA Baracus said:

. I don't have a mortgage, I don't have a partner, I didn't have savings, I don't have a car, I don't have a pension, I don't have..anything.

Those things don’t make you an adult. They are just societal ideals that people buy into, but plenty people also don’t buy into them. If you go abroad you’ll see that renting your home is far more common than here and they don’t have this “must own” idea we have, likewise car driving. 

I’m like you, I don’t have any of those things either it doesn’t mean that you won’t ever get them or indeed that you might ever actually WANT them. You might decide you want other things, the main thing is to work out what you do want and how you might get there. 

eta - Like Bairnardo, I don’t feel like an adult in terms of age either. I’m 42 but feel exactly as I did at 22, with some additional age related aches and pains mind

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by Jambomo

[ICTChris]

I think a lot of people feel the way you do. Part of it is that the things that used to be the markers of adulthood now happen later in people’s lives. People wait longer to have children, buy their own home, start a proper career etc. There are myriad reasons for all of these things but the end result is that people in their 20s and 30s are often in a kind of limbo, not adolescents but not having what would be considered the trappings of adult life.

I’m sure you could argue that some the tensions associated with this are behind the rise in anxiety disorders and mental health diagnoses in younger people but that’s beyond my understanding to say one way or the other.

[Hard Graft]

32 minutes ago, Bairnardo said:

I still think of myself as how I did when I was in my early 20s. I dont feel old. I still feel like a daft laddie who is mixing in the adult world and doing adult things. 

I have a pal who is now 60 and he says that never goes away. 

Exactly the same and some of my friends agree with this. Only issue is brain thinks it is in it's 20's but body firmly reports it's in the 60's and that is a pure b*****d.

[throbber]

1 hour ago, Jambomo said:

Those things don’t make you an adult. They are just societal ideals that people buy into, but plenty people also don’t buy into them. If you go abroad you’ll see that renting your home is far more common than here and they don’t have this “must own” idea we have, likewise car driving. 

 

I don’t know if these are things people actively chose not to buy into though, surely we would all rather pay off a mortgage and have a bit of money set aside for when we retire if we could afford it? I’m also not sure we are obsessed with owning cars in the U.K. it’s just home ownership where we differ from much of Europe.

Edited October 18, 2020 by throbber

[Hillonearth]

This came up a while ago - I think very few people "feel" like an adult regardless of their calendar age, and moreover that a lot of people end up shoehorning themselves into situations they're not particularly happy with because of societal norms of What People Should Do By A Certain Age.

Some of them will end up following the societally approved template to the letter, but it doesn't follow that they're intrinsically any happier by doing so, because lot of the things you mentioned if done wrong can end up being a curse rather than a blessing..

Think of the amount of people you know who have paid over the odds for a house say within a specific school catchment area and are crippled with the mortgage, or the amount of people who have settled for a partner that isn't 100% right for them just so they can say they're part of a couple and will repent at their leisure. And so on.

 

[Jacksgranda]

1 hour ago, Jambomo said:

Those things don’t make you an adult. They are just societal ideals that people buy into, but plenty people also don’t buy into them. If you go abroad you’ll see that renting your home is far more common than here and they don’t have this “must own” idea we have, likewise car driving. 

I’m like you, I don’t have any of those things either it doesn’t mean that you won’t ever get them or indeed that you might ever actually WANT them. You might decide you want other things, the main thing is to work out what you do want and how you might get there. 

eta - Like Bairnardo, I don’t feel like an adult in terms of age either. I’m 42 but feel exactly as I did at 22, with some additional age related aches and pains mind

 

I'm (nearly) 68, and I don't "feel" like an adult, either - primarily because I'm not sure what an adult is supposed to feel like - despite having a wife, step children, mortgage, car, former career and nearly going bankrupt.

[throbber]

3 minutes ago, MixuFruit said:

Will dig the source out later but this home ownership comparison thing isn't true these days, we're largely the same as France, Germany etc for this these days.

I had never seen a source claiming it to be the case but had been told it by several people that home ownership was much more of a U.K. thing than the rest of Europe. I don’t think it’s a case of a “must own everything” mentality, surely from a financial point of view it’s a no brainier to have a mortgage as opposed to renting if we all had the choice?

[bennett]

People can have all of the things mentioned and still feel unfulfilled/trapped trying to maintain the expected lifestyle. 

Tbh I don't see anything wrong with still feeling youthful,  better than being old before your time.

 

 

 

[Jambomo]

18 minutes ago, MixuFruit said:

Will dig the source out later but this home ownership comparison thing isn't true these days, we're largely the same as France, Germany etc for this these days.

I’m mainly going by my friends in Munich and another friends parents who live in France. They’ve both said  to me In the past that it’s more the attitude that was different, that there wasn’t the same expectation of it. It may have changed now, it was a while back tbf.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

1 hour ago, Bairnardo said:

I still think of myself as how I did when I was in my early 20s. I dont feel old. I still feel like a daft laddie who is mixing in the adult world and doing adult things. 

I have a pal who is now 60 and he says that never goes away. 

This.

I still hate having to do “adult things” like buy a carpet or a bit of furniture. It makes me feel a bit out of place, like something your parents should be doing.  
 

Plus it’s usually a fucking pain the arse.

[throbber]

2 minutes ago, MixuFruit said:

I'd rather have a mortgage than rent in the UK for sure. 

Yeah, I have spoke to people who say they wouldn’t want a mortgage as it’s like a massive noose round your neck for years. Seems like a pretty backwards way of looking at the situation if you’re happy to pay £500+ per month as dead money whilst you pay someone else’s mortgage off.

When it comes to people who don’t “feel like an adult” surely having a job that people expect and entrust you to attend on an all too regular basis must make you feel somewhat grown up and responsible? 

 

[invergowrie arab]

I always used to think the best thing about being an adult would be being able to get a huge bag of pic n mix and not have to worry about the price.

I was correct.

[Hedgecutter]

I still chuckle every morning when I see ‘POOH’ written in my daily report.

...and every morning this is immediately followed by some killjoy voice in my head saying “grow up” as if I should be be ashamed.

[Sergeant Wilson]

20 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

This.

I still hate having to do “adult things” like buy a carpet or a bit of furniture. It makes me feel a bit out of place, like something your parents should be doing.  
 

Plus it’s usually a fucking pain the arse.

There is no joy quite like making a day of wandering around an out of town furniture outlet. You can then move on to accessories in Dunelm, Fugazzi etc. It's far better than watching football on the telly.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Sergeant Wilson

[greendot]

7 minutes ago, Hedgecutter said:

I still chuckle every morning when I see ‘POOH’ written in my daily report.

...and every morning this is immediately followed by some killjoy voice in my head saying “grow up” as if I should be be ashamed.

 

[Jambomo]

1 hour ago, throbber said:

I don’t know if these are things people actively chose not to buy into though, surely we would all rather pay off a mortgage and have a bit of money set aside for when we retire if we could afford it? I’m also not sure we are obsessed with owning cars in the U.K. it’s just home ownership where we differ from much of Europe.

I think mortgages are interesting in yeah, objectively you are better off getting something for the money at the end of it.  

Yet it can be a bind (if you move around a lot, hassle and cost of selling or letting), dependency on housing markets not to lose out, they can be a cash drain in terms of cost of repairs, especially if there is a building issue. You don’t have any of these if you rent. Some people prefer the freedom of this, it’s all about personal preference really.

We are also looking at it through an old lens. Mortgages take a long-time to pay off and these days, jobs don’t pay as well (in inflationary terms) it’s likely that similar to renting, you don’t necessarily have much left over afterwards for savings or to do things.

I don’t really have a strong opinion either way, I rent because I couldn’t afford to buy when I was younger due to the rent/low paid job issues. Only this year have I got into a job that pays well enough to put money aside for a deposit but I thinks it’s probably too late now. That said my circumstances have both benefitted and decreased from renting over the years, I don’t really regret not being able to buy.