Your team's Worst XI of the Decade

[VictorOnopko]

Bell  (much, much worse than Stuckmann, because Bell was signed as our 1st choice)

Nitriansky,  Devine, Piccolo (swoon),  Carroll

Ntambwe (the worst player I have ever seen), Barton, Woods, Osman (for his pathetic final 6 months with us as captain/hat salesman).

Storey, Mutombo

 

[HoBNob]

13 hours ago, DAFC. said:

.

Pat Clarke worse than Myles Hipposhyte, Louis Longridge and Robbie Muirhead? Nah, can’t have that one.

 

Hyppo and Longridge are better and have had better careers imo, Muirhead I could give you but I barely seen the c**t. 

[vikingTON]

Which of these worst eleven teams would be the worst from the division as a whole? Dunfermline and Ayr should certainly be in the running - given they had sides that finished 7th and 8th in a stinking seaside league in 14/15 - and I can’t imagine Arbroath’s worst selection of jobbers would be up to much either. While Morton have got some outstanding individual picks like Ramsbottom and the entire peak banter squad assembled in 13/14, it’s really the quantity rather than quality of dung that has passed through the revolving door at Cappielow which stands out for me.

You look at the worst eleven of a stable enough club like Inverness on the other hand and it probably survives comfortably in this current division.

[D'Jaffo]

Which of these worst eleven teams would be the worst from the division as a whole? Dunfermline and Ayr should certainly be in the running - given they had sides that finished 7th and 8th in a stinking seaside league in 14/15 - and I can’t imagine Arbroath’s worst selection of jobbers would be up to much either. While Morton have got some outstanding individual picks like Ramsbottom and the entire peak banter squad assembled in 13/14, it’s really the quantity rather than quality of dung that has passed through the revolving door at Cappielow which stands out for me.

You look at the worst eleven of a stable enough club like Inverness on the other hand and it probably survives comfortably in this current division.

I reckon the 17/18 Brechin side would beat some of our worst XIs on here.

[vikingTON]

I was referring to the ten current teams rather than the Highland League bound dross that used to stink out the division, but absolutely.

 

[Highland Capital]

It's a wee bit harsh to mention people who never played, but an honourable mention must go to Caley Thistle attacker Andre Martins.  "Andre who?" I hear you ask!  Andre Martins, a Portugese striker with a crazy hair do that made him look like a rooster, had a rather curious past.  He'd previously been with Fulham in some capacity and had also played in his native Portugal, Finland, Bulgaria, Sweden, Mexico, Peru, Bolivia and Venezuela though with every club he'd only played a few games before moving on.  Even more curious were the clubs he'd been on trial with - Dundee United, Dundee, Raith, St Mirren, Morton, Partick Thistle...and Bayern Munich!  He came on trial under Terry Butcher and then we never heard of him again...until a month or two later when he, without warning, appeared on the bench for a home match against Hearts.  

The club never announced that he'd joined and then, a few weeks later, never announced that he'd left.  The only acknowledgement from the club was an article in the P&J where Butcher was quoted saying Martins was a "rough diamond in the style of Adam Rooney or Jonny Hayes".  It was around about this time I saw him play in a reserve match at the Caley Stadium - he was atrocious.

After leaving ICT, he turned up in Brazil for a trial with Seria A club Goias.  That's when things got stranger.  While on trial Martins was accused of impersonating someone else, as he'd been invited on the basis of a video...of an entirely different player!  A few years later I was speaking to Kenny Cameron (the ICT chairman at the time) and he said that ICT had signed Martins and it was his brother who turned up!  Also, his girlfriend had been a contestant on the Brazilian Big Brother!  All in all, he was a very strange signing.

His current whereabouts are unknown.

Edited November 22, 2019 by Highland Capital

[Sir Tarmo Kink]

It's a wee bit harsh to mention people who never played, but an honourable mention must go to Caley Thistle attacker Andre Martins.  "Andre who?" I hear you ask!  Andre Martins, a Portugese striker with a crazy hair do that made him look like a rooster, had a rather curious past.  He'd previously been with Fulham in some capacity and had also played in Finland, Bulgaria, Sweden, Mexico, Peru, Bolivia and Venezuela though with every club he'd only played a few games before moving on.  Even more curious were the clubs he'd been on trial with - Dundee United, Dundee, Raith, St Mirren, Morton, Partick Thistle...and Bayern Munich!  He came on trial under Terry Butcher and then we never heard of him again...until a month or two later when he, without warning, appeared on the bench for a home match against Hearts.  
The club never announced that he'd joined and then, a few weeks later, never announced that he'd left.  The only acknowledgement from the club was an article in the P&J where Butcher was quoted saying Martins was a "rough diamond in the style of Adam Rooney or Jonny Hayes".  It was around about this time I saw him play in a reserve match at the Caley Stadium - he was atrocious.
After leaving ICT, he turned up in Brazil for a trial with Seria A club Goias.  That's when things got stranger.  While on trial Martins was accused of impersonating someone else, as he'd been invited on the basis of a video...of someone else!  A few years later I was speaking to Kenny Cameron (the ICT chairman at the time) and he said that ICT had signed Martins and it was his brother who turned up!  Also, his girlfriend had been a contestant on the Brazilian Big Brother!  All in all, he was a very strange signing.

I remember him randomly appearing on the bench one day and I had never heard of him. I thought he had been impersonating the Sporting Lisbon and Portugal player also called André Martins? He used his videos to show clubs or something like that.

[Highland Capital]

2 hours ago, Tarmo Kink said:

 

I remember him randomly appearing on the bench one day and I had never heard of him. I thought he had been impersonating the Sporting Lisbon and Portugal player also called André Martins? He used his videos to show clubs or something like that.

 

Reading between the lines that's what probably happened.  I know Butcher did sign a few players blind but always on Steve Marsella's recommendation.  He had been on trial though which makes things even stranger.

Edited November 22, 2019 by Highland Capital

[Rob1885]

GK - David Hutton - Poppadom hands, we were as good as a goal down every time he played for us, especially in this league. Chris Smith can count himself lucky not to have made the cut but not every game he played for us was a nightmare. However, when he was bad, he was really bad. Michael Hrivnak deserves a place in the conversation here also.

CB - Alex Keddie - Yes the big man won a 1st division title here but that does not tell the full story. Absolutely hopeless and the team looked much more solid with any combo of Dowie, Higgins and Rutkiwicz at the back. An absolute shambolic season in the SPL in 11/12 and subsequently binned. Sure he's a nice guy so I hope he doesn't read this.

CB - John Potter - Great guy that Potts is and however well liked he is off the field, his 2nd spell with us was an absolute disaster. Back to back relegations (administration or not) which he did absolutely nothing to aid in terms of on the park performances. As I said though, great guy.

CB - Danny Devine - Guy is hopeless, heavens knows how he has a Scottish cup winners medal. Watched our reserves played Burntisland Shipyard in a friendly in the Summer and he shelled a ball into some poor b*****d's garden and conservatory. Sounds about right.

RM - David Hopkirk - 'Hoppy' had his moments in fairness to him but was clearly too concerned about his physique to be arsed making a decent career as a footballer. Took his departure from the club very poorly as well which sours the view as well. Bit of a tit.

CM - Ross Forbes - This guy cleary has/had bags of talent but could not be arsed one bit. Fans of other teams, namely Morton, will say how wrong I am but this guy was an absolute wage thief. Did not try a leg and his signing essentially spelt the end of Stephen Husband's career at Dunfermline. Unforgivable.

CM - Craig Easton - Right so he may have only played for us 3 times but I remember him doing the square root of f**k all in each game. Probably a bigger sleight on McIntyre's transfer strategy that season than the player himself. Past it.

CM - Paul Burns - That's right, the cult hero, tannadice winner Skindiana Bones makes the cut. As many songs that were sang about this chap, he was just far too lightweight to make any sort of impact whatsoever. Another McIntyre dud.

LM - Andy Stirling - An odd one, as I rated him prior to us signing him and have seen him play very well for us since. Guy was absolutely gutless when he was with us though. Didn't even last the full season with us and was farmed out to the Binos on loan. Looked the part, bags of ability (for that level - League 1), clearly couldn't handle playing for a club as big as ours. Mouse.

CF - Robbie Muirhead - Another one probably with a bit of talent. I certainly didn't see any of it. This guy clearly does not care and has already made his coin. Coasting with every move and fully expect to see him sign with whatever 'big' team is in League 1 next season. Killie, Utd, Hearts, MK Dons, Dunfermline & Morton. Wow. Fair fucks to him.

CF - Mickael Antoine-Curier - Was an admirer of his for years. We clearly got him 5 years too late but the guy is quite clearly a total banger. Lasted 4 months and scored 2 goals in a team which had Joe Cardle, peak Michael Paton and Michael Moffat as the supply line. Waster and a complete rocket.

 

 

 

[Sir Tarmo Kink]

CB - Danny Devine - Guy is hopeless, heavens knows how he has a Scottish cup winners medal. Watched our reserves played Burntisland Shipyard in a friendly in the Summer and he shelled a ball into some poor b*****d's garden and conservatory. Sounds about right.

 
 

We won the Scottish Cup despite Devine being absolutely all over the shop for Falkirk’s equaliser. If Gary Warren wasn’t suspended that may have not gone in.

[Hawk89]

1 hour ago, Highland Capital said:

It's a wee bit harsh to mention people who never played, but an honourable mention must go to Caley Thistle attacker Andre Martins.  "Andre who?" I hear you ask!  Andre Martins, a Portugese striker with a crazy hair do that made him look like a rooster, had a rather curious past.  He'd previously been with Fulham in some capacity and had also played in Finland, Bulgaria, Sweden, Mexico, Peru, Bolivia and Venezuela though with every club he'd only played a few games before moving on.  Even more curious were the clubs he'd been on trial with - Dundee United, Dundee, Raith, St Mirren, Morton, Partick Thistle...and Bayern Munich!  He came on trial under Terry Butcher and then we never heard of him again...until a month or two later when he, without warning, appeared on the bench for a home match against Hearts.  

The club never announced that he'd joined and then, a few weeks later, never announced that he'd left.  The only acknowledgement from the club was an article in the P&J where Butcher was quoted saying Martins was a "rough diamond in the style of Adam Rooney or Jonny Hayes".  It was around about this time I saw him play in a reserve match at the Caley Stadium - he was atrocious.

After leaving ICT, he turned up in Brazil for a trial with Seria A club Goias.  That's when things got stranger.  While on trial Martins was accused of impersonating someone else, as he'd been invited on the basis of a video...of someone else!  A few years later I was speaking to Kenny Cameron (the ICT chairman at the time) and he said that ICT had signed Martins and it was his brother who turned up!  Also, his girlfriend had been a contestant on the Brazilian Big Brother!  All in all, he was a very strange signing.

Sounds like a more extravagant Romeo Filipovic who appeared on trial under Brian Reid, seem to remember he was adamant in the Ayrshire Post that he had signed where as Reid was clear he was on trial. Got the fan excited because we'd never heard of him so was different to the usual jobbers that appeared around then training with the club. 

[palmy_cammy]

  

3 hours ago, Rob1885 said:

LM - Andy Stirling - An odd one, as I rated him prior to us signing him and have seen him play very well for us since. Guy was absolutely gutless when he was with us though. Didn't even last the full season with us and was farmed out to the Binos on loan. Looked the part, bags of ability (for that level - League 1), clearly couldn't handle playing for a club as big as ours. Mouse.

 

 

 

That would make a good Wikipedia entry for Stirling as I'd imagine fans of all the teams he has played for have had a similar experience.  It is certainly very similar to his time with us.

 

[HoBNob]

5 hours ago, virginton said:

Which of these worst eleven teams would be the worst from the division as a whole? Dunfermline and Ayr should certainly be in the running - given they had sides that finished 7th and 8th in a stinking seaside league in 14/15 - and I can’t imagine Arbroath’s worst selection of jobbers would be up to much either. While Morton have got some outstanding individual picks like Ramsbottom and the entire peak banter squad assembled in 13/14, it’s really the quantity rather than quality of dung that has passed through the revolving door at Cappielow which stands out for me.

You look at the worst eleven of a stable enough club like Inverness on the other hand and it probably survives comfortably in this current division.

By all accounts you'd expect it to be the teams who have reached the lowest point over the decade I'd imagine, Arbroath you'd think would have the worse, then Ayr and then ourselves. I think Inverness haven't finished lower than 5th?in the championship in the last decade. 

Of course you might have had a few stinking players from each season who when added up, create something much worse. 

[invergowrie arab]

The United one is just the current Falkirk squad.

[Ludo*1]

Wee bit before this decade but that Andre Martin's story reminded me about a decent wee story about Jan Zemlik. 

He was obviously our 6'7 dud from the Alex Rae era. Came over to Dundee for a trial and he thought he could just bring his mate along with him for a trial as well. Luckily, we were like, 'Eh'm I suppose', because that turned out to be Milan Palenik arguably our best CH since the Bonetti era.

Anyways, fast forward 2-3 year to when Jocky had Calum Melville's millions to spend. Dundee fans start getting excited because Palenik is returning to Dens on trial and he's sure to get a deal and become an absolute mainstay for us again. Turns out Dundee pay top money to fly him into the country, set him up in a decent hotel etc, only for him to arrive at Dens, say he's pretty much done as a footballer due to injuries but thought he'd come over anyways and recommend his mate for a trial who'd never played professionally. 

Safe to say the guy wasn't signed.

[Derry Alli]

Palenik wasn't that good the first time around either. Vastly overrated. 

[R&Y99]

On 21/11/2019 at 01:50, AMMjag said:

RM) Jason Banton - One of several Archibald loan signings who made one or two sub appearances, and in those appearances making clear to anyone watching that they were only there to wind down their contracts with their parent clubs. 

Think you must be getting him confused with someone mate, he’s the guy who still gets joked about as we signed him he got injured in his first week and he never made a single appearance for the first team, but played a few under 20s games.   But still a worthy contender though for being a wage spent on someone who never even played. 

[Highland Capital]

Was Andrea Mutombo really that bad for Partick Thistle?  I remember his season at Caley Thistle quite well.  He was a bit of a headless chicken but did have drive about him.  Every now and then (including one game against Thistle at Firhill), he'd have a brilliant game and you'd wonder why he wasn't at a higher level, then for the next five games he'd go back into his slapstick, controls-the-ball-like-a-wet-bar-of-soap routine.  I didn't rate him particularly highly for us, but we've had far worse.

[19QOS19]

GK - Calum Antell

Just pips Roddy McKenzie to the post. Wasn't the worst with one-on-one's but a complete bombscare everywhere else.


LB - Marc Fitzpatrick
CB - Marvin Andrews
CB - Mark Campbell
RB - Kyle Cameron

We've been fine for LB over the last decade so maybe harsh on Fitzpatrick. He wasn't terrible but I didn't rate him. Rooney would probably be my RB but he wasn't worse than those 3 so thought it harsh he got put in.

CM - Ryan Conroy
CM - Scott McLaughlin
CM - Mark Millar

Same here. I couldn't think of a RM that was worse than the extra striker. Having looked through the old lists I'm genuinely gobsmacked McLaughlin was our top scorer the season we went down. I'd say that was more to do with how awful we were. He was clearly Gus's lovechild as I don't think he was ever dropped. An awful player who never looked interested any time I saw him. Millar was probably more infuriating because he was clearly a good player who couldn't be arsed. Conroy's legs were done. He did score one of the best goals I've saw from a QoS player away at Annan but it's not enough for him to avoid being picked.

ST - Tom Brighton
ST - Ian McGrath
ST - Paul Heffernan

Shudder. Brighton and McGrath looked like football was a new concept to them. Heffernan's legs looked gone.


Plenty of contenders that didn't make the cut and I can't be arsed putting a bench up as it would probably be more than 11.

[Ludo*1]

On 20/11/2019 at 20:33, Ludo*1 said:

Built a squad of players to try and whittle my selection down from. Currently sitting with this bloated mess:

Goalkeepers

Derek Soutar
Arvid Schenk
Dan Twardzik

Right Back

Chris Casement
James Horsfield

Centre Half

Bob Malcolm
Adam Cummins
Davide Grassi
Kevin Gomis
Andrew Davies
Ryan Inniss
Dominic Shimmin

Left Back

Willie Dyer
Daryll Meggatt
Netan Sansara

Central Midfield

Charlie Grant
Marc Klok
Martin Woods
Tom Hateley
Stephen Hughes
Mark Kerr
Darren Young
Ross Chisholm
David Morgan

Wingers

Sean Bonnet-Johnson
Randy Wolters
Phillip Roberts
Don Cowan

Strikers

Ben Hutchinson
Andy Barrowman
Arturo
Carlo Monti
Steven Doris
Njazi Kuqi
Yordi Teijsse
Jean Mendy

Whittled down my list and changed it to only include players that have made more than 5 first team appearances for us in the last decade, so some changes were needed:

GK : Jack Hamilton

Looked alright this season, and bizarrely I prefer him to Connor Hazard whom we have just now, but his performances last season were absolutely diabolical. Conceded some goals that even a Sunday league keeper wouldn't concede. Click the link for some 'highlights': Link.

RB: James Horsfield

RB has been pretty solid over the last decade with Eric Paton, Gary Irvine, Paul McGinn and Cammy Kerr all donning the number 2 shirt. Chris Casement played 1 league game before being found out whereas Horsfield played a miraculous 11 games. Dreadful. Definition of a zero commitment loan player. Useless shitebag.

CH: Davide Grassi.

I wanted to like the Italian. I really, really did. He had some form of ability - just not as a professional footballer.  Just a dreadful CH. There's been worse, but they've not played the required minimum of 5 games.

CH: Kevin Gomis

A player that looked incredible for about 5-10 minutes every game.  Absolute no surprise he went from Nice - Nottingham Forest - Dundee - 6th tier of French football - No club. It's absolute craziness that he played 56 times for Nice. Listed in Nottingham Forest's worst 20 signings ever.

LB: Daryll Meggatt

Personally, I thought Willie Dyer was worse, but at least he was only signed for the old First Division. Hartley signed his former player and even at the time it felt like it was out of sympathy. Woefully out of depth. Better at LB than he was at CH, purely because he was then less risk of costing us a goal. Slow, couldn't win a header and positionally lacking.

CDM: Darren Young

At the club for 2 year. Played 12 games. Sent off on his debut. Utter waste of a wage. Permanently injured. Anonymous when not getting sent off. Loads of weird goings on with rumours and allegations ranging from it was his mental health, to he just couldn't be fucked playing to the physio can't find anything wrong with him. Regardless, when he wore the Dark Blue shirt he was utterly dreadful and one of our higher earners at a time we couldn't afford to have high earners not playing.

CM: Martin Woods

Says a lot about a player when he makes multiple club's lists. On this forum I've saw him make Ross County & Partick Thistle fans lists already. The biggest charlatan I've ever saw. He started off alright, got rewarded with a contract from McIntyre then never bothered his arse again. Handed the armband by McIntyre as well. Terrible, terrible player now punting Andrew Davies' shite herbalife.

CM: Ross Chisholm

Just an absolute non-entity of a player. Had the audacity to have a go at fans when he was punted. Terrible terrible player. No surprise to see he's another in this list that's fell out of the professional game.

CM: Mark Kerr

On a hiding to nothing. Signed as our 'marquee' signing for our Club 12 season. Synonymous with United and only liked for that passback for United. Wasn't what we needed, only played 8 games and he was anonymous and ragdolled in every single one. Different circumstances may have meant he turned out differently for us.

ST: Carlo Monti

Started off as a money hungry LB for Morton. We apparently were sniffing about which led to some shenanigans with Morton before he was punted and then we never signed him. Several year later after he'd ripped up the erm, juniors, he was signed by Bomber Brown to lead our title charge. Instantly put on penalties ahead of our best two penalty takers in my lifetime (Ryan Conroy & Matt Lockwood) purely to justify Brown's decision of signing him.  1 goal in 19 league appearances, which was an aforementioned penalty against Livi before fucking back off to the Juniors.

ST: Ben Hutchinson

Unbelievable that he once went for £3million. Absolutely horrendous player. Didn't look like a threat, had zero pace, terrible first touch, couldn't hold it up. Genuinely dreaful. 9 games, 1 goal, on his debut.

Manager: Jim McIntyre

12.9% win percentage. Worst record of any manager in our history. Zero charisma, allowed the club to be ruled by the likes of Martin Woods and Kenny Miller. Summed up by the fact he came out and celebrated his absolute failure at us with a United scarf draped around his neck on the opening day of the season giving it big licks. Utter fanny of a human being. Never thought we'd have 2 worse managers that Dave Smith in our history nevermind 10 year - with Gordon Chisholm a close second.

Assistant: Billy Dodds

Voted to end this club and make it a potential Sevco. Has no regrets. Assisted our second worst manager of the decade, and was our worst' first choice pick. Thankfully, the fans put a stop to that. Probably the most hated person involved in football by the Dundee support.

It's of absolute no surprise that of that list only Mark Kerr & Darren Young is at an age that one retires at, yet the following are all out of the professional game:

Davide Grassi (33)
Kevin Gomis (30)
Martin Woods (33)
Ross Chisholm (31)
Carlo Monti (29)
Ben Hutchinson (31)