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paranoid android

Embarrassing admissions

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I recently missed my train stop despite the train sitting at that station (Lairg) for 20 mins to let the southbound one pass (chatting to some burd). 

Train conductor gave me a free pass back by writing "overcarried, please take home :)" on my ticket and let me stay on an extra stop until Golspie so I could spend the 3+ hr wait in a pub. Pretty sound. 

Edited by Hedgecutter

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I was about 25 when I learnt gammon wasn't fish. 

I've no idea why I ever thought it was, it was possibly because my mum, dad and brothers always had smoked haddock on 'fish night' growing up but because i didn't like it, I got gammon. 

That was an awkward conversation in the pub. 

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Pedestrian crossings apparently have the green man walking and the red man standing still. 

After 55 years on this planet this was news to me as I had only seen red for stop and green for go...

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4 minutes ago, Dele said:

I was about 25 when I learnt gammon wasn't fish. 

I've no idea why I ever thought it was, it was possibly because my mum, dad and brothers always had smoked haddock on 'fish night' growing up but because i didn't like it, I got gammon. 

That was an awkward conversation in the pub. 

Christ it’s a good job you are just wrapping the stuff Del. 

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24 minutes ago, jupe1407 said:

Descending a hill, driving to Newtonmore and checking into a bunkhouse not realising I'd actually sharted about three hours previously. 

On a related vein, having three huge shites on Aonach Beag and having to leave the socks I'd wiped my arse with sitting right beside them. 

"Embarassing Emissions" thread for this..erm.. pish. 

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5 minutes ago, Angusfifer said:

Pedestrian crossings apparently have the green man walking and the red man standing still. 

After 55 years on this planet this was news to me as I had only seen red for stop and green for go...

In Glasgow the green man was called Jimmy Johnstone.

Also, did you know about the secret button at pedestrian crossings?

See the source image

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11 minutes ago, Angusfifer said:

Pedestrian crossings apparently have the green man walking and the red man standing still. 

After 55 years on this planet this was news to me as I had only seen red for stop and green for go...

 

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Has anybody else ever turned up to work 12 hrs early and set up shop having fallen asleep after getting home and waking up a few hours later? 

"8:50?! Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!" (throws on jacket, runs out door...) 

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1 hour ago, BigFatTabbyDave said:

As this may be turning into another shitting thread, I caught a horrific virus last year. Was pishing oot ma erse for the best part of a month.

Eventually, I was too weak to move out of the wife's leather recliner so, for a few days, I had to line the chair with towels and change them every few hours  :green

lazy. seems more effort to change them.

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I've only recently learned that raisins, sultans, and currants are dried grapes.
I also don't know if it's haversack or havisack.
It's also taken me an embarrassingly long time to realise that banoffee is made of banana and toffee! 
How can I have lived this long without knowing at least the first and third?
Are other readers similarly stupid?
P.S. the new emojis on P & B are pish. 
 


It's haversack.

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14 hours ago, Hedgecutter said:

Cocaine.

You'd need some size of a nostril to snort them.Image result for danniella westbrook nose

Voila!

Edited by Jacksgranda

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I was definitely an adult before I realised that news reports of "A 35 year old man is helping police with their enquiries" didn't mean that some publicly-spirited 35 year man had wandered into the police station to see if there was anything he could do to help. 

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4 minutes ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

I was definitely an adult before I realised that news reports of "A 35 year old man is helping police with their enquiries" didn't mean that some publicly-spirited 35 year man had wandered into the police station to see if there was anything he could do to help. 

And when did you realise gunpoint wasn't just a really dangerous area where criminals held people?

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When I moved to Australia and being used to Bluebell matches it took me a while to realise why these were called Redheads.

 

16FB0E6C-53FC-4F46-9BA9-AAF7AE94712C.jpeg

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I'm 42 years old and, until about two years ago I genuinely thought those 'mince pies' you get at Christmas contained actual mince within it's short crust pastry type casing, only recently discovered they were actually filled with dried dark fruits etc...
 
Although they are still fucking howling 🤢
Up there with the very worst of foods. Absolute boak 🤮

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I was in my thirties before realising that the correct lyrics to the well known Christmas carol were:

"Good King Wenceslas looked out"

and not what I'd thought for years:

"Good King Wencelas last looked out"

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29 minutes ago, RockMusic said:

I was in my thirties before realising that the correct lyrics to the well known Christmas carol were:

"Good King Wenceslas looked out"

and not what I'd thought for years:

"Good King Wencelas last looked out"

Jesus. I'm in my forties and I've always sung "last looked out" even though I know his name was Wenceslas. What a diddy. 

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