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oaksoft

This is Why I Hate People. A Confession

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This reminds me of the occasion when I was recovering from food poisoning, two days solid of boaking interspersed with foul brown liquid coming out of the other end. My wife decided to nip out for an hour, leaving me with the baby who was asleep, assuming he would stay that way until she returned.

Naturally said infant decided to take this opportunity to evacuate his bowels. No problem, thought I, even in my weakened state I can change a nappy. Unfortunately said infant had decided to further take the opportunity to have the worst attack of diarrhoea in his short life. I kept pushing up the end of his babygro trying to find where the coating of liquid jobby actually ended. It was up to his neck and down to both feet.

So in the bath he went. The entire time he was screaming his head off, wanting to go back to sleep. The entire time I was an inch away from boaking afresh all over him. Tears of manly sorrow and distress were running down my face as I prayed for the sound of the wife's car returning. It did not. 

She finally came back an hour later to find the baby, clean as a whistle and sleeping happily in his basket while I rocked back and forth slowly on the sofa, wishing I was dead.

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Why would anyone try to unblock a toilet with a plunger? Amateur hour.

Boil the kettle, fire some washing up liquid and bleach into the toilet, pour on boiled water, leave for ten or fifteen minutes, flush.

That'll be £200, please.

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1 hour ago, JTS98 said:

Why would anyone try to unblock a toilet with a plunger? Amateur hour.

Boil the kettle, fire some washing up liquid and bleach into the toilet, pour on boiled water, leave for ten or fifteen minutes, flush.

That'll be £200, please.

Where's the fun in that?

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19 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Where's the fun in that?

Sometimes in life you need to make your own fun.

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8Mile probably masturbated whilst reading the OP.
Also guilty.

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Last year I been part of a group wild camping on a small island in the Okavango Delta where the only water around is hippo infested. 

Those of you that have been to such latitudes will know that high temperatures and poo make for a particularly honking aroma, hence we had a designated part of the island to take the trowels to. 

Obviously this was far too inconvenient for one lazy fucker, who evidently shat wherever they pleased in the night, evidently avoiding the foul end of the island. 

Every now and then you would hear a scream, as some Aussie sheila encountered the phantom shitter's business. The place felt like a sub-tropical African war zone as if there were mortars around every corner that you could stand on at any time. 

It was inevitable that one would get trampled on, although this was somebody else's in the toilet area where somebody hadn't used the shovel to bury the deed. Unfortunately I know this as it was my tent-mate that fell victim to this particular rogue turd, who dragged some of it back to the tent on his white trainers in the dark of night and was attempting to pick it from between the sole treads with a twig in the morning. 

I now can't see an Attenborough programme about the region or hippos without phantom burning in my nostrils. 

Westerners are manky b*****ds.

Edited by Hedgecutter

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On 16/05/2019 at 11:26, JTS98 said:

Why would anyone try to unblock a toilet with a plunger? Amateur hour.

Boil the kettle, fire some washing up liquid and bleach into the toilet, pour on boiled water, leave for ten or fifteen minutes, flush.

That'll be £200, please.

That doesn't always work and the boiling water can damage the seals in your toilet if I read the online reviews for this technique properly. Fixing that could cost you more than £200.

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5 hours ago, oaksoft said:

...and the boiling water can damage the seals in your toilet ...

I think I'd have been asking them as a starting point about who blocked the loo t.b.h.

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6 hours ago, oaksoft said:

That doesn't always work and the boiling water can damage the seals in your toilet if I read the online reviews for this technique properly. Fixing that could cost you more than £200.

A pan connector costs less than £10.00

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11 minutes ago, Zen Archer said:

A pan connector costs less than £10.00

And for most people who don't know which way round to hold a hammer? Who will fix it for them? The toilet pixie?

Edited by oaksoft

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1 minute ago, oaksoft said:

And for most people who don't know which way round to hold a hammer? Who will fix it for them? The toilet pixie?

It's a job that will take less than an hour, you'd have to be a right c**t to charge £200 that for an hourly rate.

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