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oaksoft

This is Why I Hate People. A Confession

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8Mile probably masturbated whilst reading the OP.

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Last night, I blocked my toilet. Normally a few flushes and it goes.
Not this fucker.
A full foot in length with a girth which nearly tore me in half.
It took half a bog roll to clean it up too.
The bowl remained stubbornly half full.
I made a simple request of the rest of the family.
Please shit in the toilet upstairs until this monstrosity has been condemned to the watery grave it deserves.
A simple request.
Unheeded, 3 (yes THREE) other people decided to take a dump ON TOP of mine.
Then....and I can hardly bring myself to type the words.....
Someone flushed.
What happened next needed to be experienced to be believed.
One of the family (nobody is admitting it) tried to break it up with the brush (not a toothbrush obviously - that would be fucking stupid).
Clearly whoever it was forgot the water was now brimming round the surface. Apparently they stirred it like it was a pot of soup - perhaps a hearty winter broth.
That caused some....overflow. Fortunately, we have linoleum so the damage was minor. Although some dried brown streaks evidenced under the sink that the person made an attempt to wipe up but they used a ton of toilet paper and then they threw the massive soggy, shitty ball of toilet paper into the already full toilet and it landed where it remained, on the top of the devastation. Those who are familiar with the works of Archimedes will know that this ball of heavy, soaking toilet paper displaced it's own weight of shitty water right back out onto the floor again - not quite a tsunami but considerably more of it came out than before.
Clearly defeated, they turned out the light and went to bed but not before hauling the toilet brush out of the bowl from whence it had been mostly submerged in the murky waters and replaced it in the holder covered in several chunks of meaty goodness leaving a wet brown trail behind it.
Sadly the poo pixies didn't turn up during the night to clean up.
At 3 am I wandered in for my early morning toilette. Now I have a tendency to pee in the dark but because my house is full of women, I sit down on the pan out of respect.
The first sign of some trouble was wet feet (not a problem usually as sometimes the floor gets wet from handwashing) but then in horror I realised the seat had been left up and I plonked straight onto the bare bowl and my ageing cock and balls suddenly plunged into cold wetness. For a moment I was too stunned to move. And then something  solid made contact with my exposed dangling organs and I leapt a good two feet in the air and screamed.
To cut a long story short, I switched on the light and saw a scene of total carnage. Sacrificing a hand towel to cover my dignity I had a quick shower (my organs were tender from the scraping when I had finished) and a bowl of well earned porridge whilst I considered what to do. I considered calling a plumber and then remembered I am a man. I did what any man would do under the circumstances. I tried to wake my wife. She wasn't having it though so I got out the marigolds, a bin liner and dived right in. At first the going was easy. I was scooping out solid matter like a digger in a ditch and my bin liner was filling up nicely. Then disaster struck. To get to the real blockage I had to go around the U-bend slightly. My confidence high, I went for it at full pelt. And forgot that my gloves weren't long enough . As I reached the blockage, my marigolds went completely under the water and everything poured in to my now unprotected hand.
At this point I am close to tears. The smell was indescribable. I won't lie. I panicked. I hauled my hand out of the bowl fast and there was some spillage and spattering. Fortunately my mouth was almost closed so it could have been worse. The wall is easily cleaned I suppose. Now I am close to vomiting but I have in my hand the final sludgey mass which was blocking the pipe and to my enormous relief, the water disappeared.
A second shower and 45 minutes of tooth brushing and I was spic and span again.
I won't lie. It wasn't an experience I am keen to re-live any time soon.
Someone in my family is getting a sore bottom today for this.
I dare any of you to tell me you've experienced worse today.
It's not even 6.30am 
Oh and the fucking bin outside was full so I have a bag of shite sitting in my garage until Thursday when the bins get emptied.
Who the f**k takes a dump on someone elses dump. Fucking gross.

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The best solution would have been to use an old mop as a plunger.

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A mate of mine (a mate, honestly...) was staying in a hotel with his girlfriend when we were away as a big group, when after checking in they noticed the toilet was blocked. They reported it and then we all went out for the night, and when we returned it was still blocked. 

Turns out he woke up in the middle of the night needing a shit, and rather than walk the few mins to reception to use the toilets there, he just shat into the toilet he knew was still blocked, so the shit was just bobbing around in the bowl whilst she was having to get ready the next morning. Will never let him live it down. Baffling.

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My recent blockage has been solved after I walked into the toilet there to see the bog roll which was brand new half an hour previous fully unravelled and jammed into the toilet.

Seething etc.

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21 minutes ago, BillyAnchor said:

Pics or gtf

See the source image

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Right, so after a lengthy series of interrogations, it turns out my youngest daughter caused the final disaster.

I presented her with irrefutable evidence - one pyjama top with some dried poo on the sleeve and breadth pocket and a little bit of poo on her bedsheet.

She caved immediately and admitted she made the mess. Apparently she was trying to help. She now knows that it's also VERY important that you make sure a toilet doesn't already have a lot of other people's poo in it before using that bowl. A lesson which will become of increasing importance as she starts school in August.

ETA. I made her laugh by calling her pyjama top her My Little Poo-ny top.

Edited by oaksoft

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7 minutes ago, oaksoft said:

Right, so after a lengthy series of interrogations, it turns out my youngest daughter caused the final disaster.

I presented her with irrefutable evidence - one pyjama top with some dried poo on the sleeve and breadth pocket and a little bit of poo on her bedsheet.

She caved immediately and admitted she made the mess. Apparently she was trying to help. She now knows that it's also VERY important that you make sure a toilet doesn't already have a lot of other people's poo in it before using that bowl. A lesson which will become of increasing importance as she starts school in August.

ETA. I made her laugh by calling her pyjama top her My Little Poo-ny top.

She went to bed in shitey pyjamas, what kind of people are you?

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11 hours ago, The DA said:

Oaksoft, are you 100% certain that the offender DIDN'T try to use a toothbrush first before resorting to the toilet brush?

Yes.

But not until I checked carefully.

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4 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

She went to bed in shitey pyjamas, what kind of people are you?

She is only 4 TBF.

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Just now, oaksoft said:

She is only 4 TBF.

Didn't anyone older notice she was up and in one of the H blocks then come out reeking of everyone else's shite?

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10 hours ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

Two questions ...

a) A foot-long shit? What kind of animal are you?

b) If no-one is admitting anything, how do you know 3 shites went on top of your original monster shit?

There were 3 different shapes, textures and colours. I won't lie, it wasn't a scientifically rigorous investigation but I am pretty sure it was three. The volume alone.....

What kind of animal? I like my meat.

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8 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

She went to bed in shitey pyjamas, what kind of people are you?

Falkirk people. People of Falkirk.

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4 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Didn't anyone older notice she was up and in one of the H blocks then come out reeking of everyone else's shite?

She has her own room and it wasn't a lot of poo. Just a couple of streaks and spots.

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This is why I hate people.

I went to get my weekly train ticket at the single ticket machine at my station and found that someone had smeared a bogey all over the touchscreen.

Bad enough that I have to work a bank holiday but to be confronted with this at 7.30am in the morning....

The human race deserves to die. 

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22 minutes ago, Ya Bezzer! said:

This is why I hate people.

I went to get my weekly train ticket at the single ticket machine at my station and found that someone had smeared a bogey all over the touchscreen.

Bad enough that I have to work a bank holiday but to be confronted with this at 7.30am in the morning....

The human race deserves to die. 

Shut up, it's only a bogey. Oaksoft's weans are covered in shite.

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1 hour ago, Ya Bezzer! said:

This is why I hate people.

I went to get my weekly train ticket at the single ticket machine at my station and found that someone had smeared a bogey all over the touchscreen.

Bad enough that I have to work a bank holiday but to be confronted with this at 7.30am in the morning....

The human race deserves to die. 

Yep that's pretty brutal.

I've experienced dubious substances smeared all over the buttons of a cash machine, only discovering it AFTER I put the card in so then had to work out how to eject without getting it on my hands.

People are scum. They really are.

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