Sergeant Wilson Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Hillonearth said: Aye, it's been dying on its arse for a long time now. Everybody concerned were metalheads however, so it was as good a place as any to meet up and head on elsewhere. Until I discovered he'd set me up with a transatlantic lake monster anyway. This is you, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said: This is you, isn't it? Nah, I'm the one in the middle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Just now, Hillonearth said: Nah, I'm the one in the middle. With the big chopper? (Decorative purposes only, made in Taiwan) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Sergeant Wilson said: With the big chopper? (Decorative purposes only, made in Taiwan) I love how some of those punters go all out to look evil and come across all Poundland-at-Halloween... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Hillonearth said: I love how some of those punters go all out to look evil and come across all Poundland-at-Halloween... I dread to think what you're doing to the dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 hour ago, Sergeant Wilson said: I dread to think what you're doing to the dog. He does look a bit surprised... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 hour ago, Jacksgranda said: He does look a bit surprised... Not as much as the dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ah-dee Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off.[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pleslie99 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off.Belter [emoji23][emoji23] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 No one will top that Motherwell fan that shagged a hunchback, let’s be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 1 hour ago, NewBornBairn said: Pretty sure I've told this one before but, hey-ho. In 1989 I was working in London and flat-sitting a place in Holland park for a guy that was on a round the world yacht race. For those that don't know, Holland Park is very posh. I was in a basement flat and my neighbours were (I was told) somebody from Pink Floyd and the writer Carla Lane (Bread). Anyway, I met this lassie and we were doing the horizontal tango quite vigorously at the flat when her back clicked, very loudly and she screamed. I thought she was joking but it quickly became clear that she wasn't - her back had locked and she was in a lot of pain. I panicked a little bit perhaps and called an ambulance then realised I needed to cover her up to preserve her dignity. Did I mention that her back locked when her legs were spread wide and in the air? I couldn't get her legs to go flat and I tried but failed to get a pair of boxer shorts on her (couldn't find her knickers) so gave her a towel to put between her legs as the ambulance guys arrived and she pulled on a sweatshirt. To their credit they didn't laugh as they brought in a stretcher but they couldn't get her legs shut or flat either so they loaded her on the stretcher and tried to get her out to the ambulance. Did I mention that this was a tiny basement flat down a flight of steps? No matter how they tried they couldn't get this girl lying on a stretcher with her legs spread in the air out the narrow door. Every time they tried to move her legs she screamed in agony so eventually they gave her laughing gas, which kinda worked. By this time a small crowd had gathered outside attracted by the blue flashing lights. Every curtain in the street was twitching as the half naked girl was carried out on a stretcher with her legs spread and in the air laughing her head off. I’m hoping Carla Lane wrote that into an episode of Bread and the bird became a character in a Pink Floyd song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Not quite a dating disaster but me and a mate got off with a couple of crackers at a nightclub in Southsea in 1984. Having a great night until the drink started to kick in and my bird started to get a bit worse for wear. At chucking out time we headed for the taxi rank, by which time I was practically carrying her and had to support her as we stood and waited. We snogged for a bit then she rested her head on my shoulder for a while before a taxi arrived, but then she said she didn't feel well and her pal whisked her into the taxi and sped off leaving me and my mate blue-balled and pissed off. Worse, the heavens then opened. I zipped up my coat, pulled up the hood ... and discovered she'd puked in the hood of my parka. Copiously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsimButtHitsASix Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text. Turns out it was a basement (no phone signal) place behind a nondescript looking door roon the back of a theatre. Like there's no way I would ever have found and, if I did, I woulda presumed it was some BDSM dungeon bar or something. Obviously hopeful it was the latter I went down just to find a rather pleasant members club where she signed me in. Was pretty cheap, especially for central London, and we took a wee booth in the corner. So I got her a wine and myself a pint and, by the time I had finished my pint, she was halfway through her third wine and I'm not a slow drinker. When I finished my pint she said she'd have a G&T. Like... immediately after I finished it and put it on the table. Didn't ask if I wanted another drink or if I was going to the bar. Just presumed. But, f**k it, I'm here now so may as well. Got her her drink and my pint and went for a slash and came back and she'd downed her drink and got herself a carafe of wine while I was gone. By the time I finished my second I made excuses about being on early shift and would have to leave and she asked me to walk her to the tube station. She was hammered as soon as the air hit her (or was already hammered and I hadn't noticed) When we got there, she said she had "lost" her Oyster card and she had to get the tube to one of the train stations to get back to Bedfordshire as she lived with her mum "who was an alcoholic and she shouldn't leave her alone" so I ended up paying for her travel back to the train station. She tried to give me a full on winch as she went toward the escalator but I turnt my face so she would peck my cheek but she just sorta... sucked on my cheek. Anyway I got her tae f**k and thought that was the end of that. About two months later I get a phone call at about half eleven and it's her, crying, because she was on a date and the guy left her (nae wonder) and she was stuck in London and could she crash at mine and she'd be really quiet and she just needed a bed and could I pay for her taxi because she didn't have any money. She was down in fucking Old Street tho' and I was in Walthamstow and I wisnae paying that for a cab so told her what bus to get and met her at the bus station an hour later. She comes off the bus, happy as larry, with two bottles of wine and mascara stains down her cheeks. We get back to mine and I show her the couch and go to my room but she comes through ten minutes later and wont shut the f**k up. Constantly nattering about her great her brother is and how mum's an alcoholic and how they used to sing Carpenters songs on car journeys to Wales as a kid and, eventually, starts fucking singing Carpenters songs. I eventually just pretended to be asleep and she crawled into bed beside me and tried firing in a bit but I just wanted her to f**k off. Wake up in the morning and go for a shower and, been in there two minutes, she starts banging on the door saying she needs in. So I reach over and open the door and she goes straight for the toilet and lets out a huge wet fart that smells like sulphur and she keeps saying sorry "She had an accident." Shite all over her drawers on the floor and on the handle of the toilet door (later found out there was more on my room door handle and in my bed). She picks up her shitty knickers and throws them in the shower at my feet asking me to give them a rinse because she's not got any other ones with her. I start cleaning her shite aff my door handles, throw my sheets in the wash and tell her to get ready and tell her I'm taking her to the tube station. Put her shitty knickers in a polly bag and take her there. She tried to give me another fucking winch and asks if I fancy meeting up again. For the next year or so I'd occasionally get calls from her at all hours but never answered any of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz FFC Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Holy f**k that's bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AsimButtHitsASix Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Ah she was probably just drinking until I was attractive enough to ride and it was a step too far for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inanimate Carbon Rod Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text. Turns out it was a basement (no phone signal) place behind a nondescript looking door roon the back of a theatre. Like there's no way I would ever have found and, if I did, I woulda presumed it was some BDSM dungeon bar or something. Obviously hopeful it was the latter I went down just to find a rather pleasant members club where she signed me in. Was pretty cheap, especially for central London, and we took a wee booth in the corner. So I got her a wine and myself a pint and, by the time I had finished my pint, she was halfway through her third wine and I'm not a slow drinker. When I finished my pint she said she'd have a G&T. Like... immediately after I finished it and put it on the table. Didn't ask if I wanted another drink or if I was going to the bar. Just presumed. But, f**k it, I'm here now so may as well. Got her her drink and my pint and went for a slash and came back and she'd downed her drink and got herself a carafe of wine while I was gone. By the time I finished my second I made excuses about being on early shift and would have to leave and she asked me to walk her to the tube station. She was hammered as soon as the air hit her (or was already hammered and I hadn't noticed) When we got there, she said she had "lost" her Oyster card and she had to get the tube to one of the train stations to get back to Bedfordshire as she lived with her mum "who was an alcoholic and she shouldn't leave her alone" so I ended up paying for her travel back to the train station. She tried to give me a full on winch as she went toward the escalator but I turnt my face so she would peck my cheek but she just sorta... sucked on my cheek. Anyway I got her tae f**k and thought that was the end of that. About two months later I get a phone call at about half eleven and it's her, crying, because she was on a date and the guy left her (nae wonder) and she was stuck in London and could she crash at mine and she'd be really quiet and she just needed a bed and could I pay for her taxi because she didn't have any money. She was down in fucking Old Street tho' and I was in Walthamstow and I wisnae paying that for a cab so told her what bus to get and met her at the bus station an hour later. She comes off the bus, happy as larry, with two bottles of wine and mascara stains down her cheeks. We get back to mine and I show her the couch and go to my room but she comes through ten minutes later and wont shut the f**k up. Constantly nattering about her great her brother is and how mum's an alcoholic and how they used to sing Carpenters songs on car journeys to Wales as a kid and, eventually, starts fucking singing Carpenters songs. I eventually just pretended to be asleep and she crawled into bed beside me and tried firing in a bit but I just wanted her to f**k off. Wake up in the morning and go for a shower and, been in there two minutes, she starts banging on the door saying she needs in. So I reach over and open the door and she goes straight for the toilet and lets out a huge wet fart that smells like sulphur and she keeps saying sorry "She had an accident." Shite all over her drawers on the floor and on the handle of the toilet door (later found out there was more on my room door handle and in my bed). She picks up her shitty knickers and throws them in the shower at my feet asking me to give them a rinse because she's not got any other ones with her. I start cleaning her shite aff my door handles, throw my sheets in the wash and tell her to get ready and tell her I'm taking her to the tube station. Put her shitty knickers in a polly bag and take her there. She tried to give me another fucking winch and asks if I fancy meeting up again. For the next year or so I'd occasionally get calls from her at all hours but never answered any of them. Are you sure this isnt just the plot of La-La Land? I got taken to the cinema to see that and im pretty sure thats what happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richey Edwards Posted October 26, 2018 Author Share Posted October 26, 2018 7 hours ago, AsimButtHitsASix said: Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. I cannae mind the place I was to meet her at but it was near Tottenham Court Road and was/is well known amongst theatre luvvie types. I couldnae find it and I texted her to ask her to come out and get me and waited about half an hour before she came out as she hadn't got my text. Turns out it was a basement (no phone signal) place behind a nondescript looking door roon the back of a theatre. Like there's no way I would ever have found and, if I did, I woulda presumed it was some BDSM dungeon bar or something. Obviously hopeful it was the latter I went down just to find a rather pleasant members club where she signed me in. Was pretty cheap, especially for central London, and we took a wee booth in the corner. So I got her a wine and myself a pint and, by the time I had finished my pint, she was halfway through her third wine and I'm not a slow drinker. When I finished my pint she said she'd have a G&T. Like... immediately after I finished it and put it on the table. Didn't ask if I wanted another drink or if I was going to the bar. Just presumed. But, f**k it, I'm here now so may as well. Got her her drink and my pint and went for a slash and came back and she'd downed her drink and got herself a carafe of wine while I was gone. By the time I finished my second I made excuses about being on early shift and would have to leave and she asked me to walk her to the tube station. She was hammered as soon as the air hit her (or was already hammered and I hadn't noticed) When we got there, she said she had "lost" her Oyster card and she had to get the tube to one of the train stations to get back to Bedfordshire as she lived with her mum "who was an alcoholic and she shouldn't leave her alone" so I ended up paying for her travel back to the train station. She tried to give me a full on winch as she went toward the escalator but I turnt my face so she would peck my cheek but she just sorta... sucked on my cheek. Anyway I got her tae f**k and thought that was the end of that. About two months later I get a phone call at about half eleven and it's her, crying, because she was on a date and the guy left her (nae wonder) and she was stuck in London and could she crash at mine and she'd be really quiet and she just needed a bed and could I pay for her taxi because she didn't have any money. She was down in fucking Old Street tho' and I was in Walthamstow and I wisnae paying that for a cab so told her what bus to get and met her at the bus station an hour later. She comes off the bus, happy as larry, with two bottles of wine and mascara stains down her cheeks. We get back to mine and I show her the couch and go to my room but she comes through ten minutes later and wont shut the f**k up. Constantly nattering about her great her brother is and how mum's an alcoholic and how they used to sing Carpenters songs on car journeys to Wales as a kid and, eventually, starts fucking singing Carpenters songs. I eventually just pretended to be asleep and she crawled into bed beside me and tried firing in a bit but I just wanted her to f**k off. Wake up in the morning and go for a shower and, been in there two minutes, she starts banging on the door saying she needs in. So I reach over and open the door and she goes straight for the toilet and lets out a huge wet fart that smells like sulphur and she keeps saying sorry "She had an accident." Shite all over her drawers on the floor and on the handle of the toilet door (later found out there was more on my room door handle and in my bed). She picks up her shitty knickers and throws them in the shower at my feet asking me to give them a rinse because she's not got any other ones with her. I start cleaning her shite aff my door handles, throw my sheets in the wash and tell her to get ready and tell her I'm taking her to the tube station. Put her shitty knickers in a polly bag and take her there. She tried to give me another fucking winch and asks if I fancy meeting up again. For the next year or so I'd occasionally get calls from her at all hours but never answered any of them. You should make a film about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 7 hours ago, AsimButtHitsASix said: Went on a tinder date with an actress a coupla year ago. June Brown imo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugna Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 2 hours ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said: Are you sure this isnt just the plot of La-La Land? I got taken to the cinema to see that and im pretty sure thats what happened. 43 minutes ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said: Are you sure this isnt just the plot of La-La Land? I got taken to the cinema to see that and im pretty sure thats what happened. Are you sure this isn't just the plot of Groundhog Day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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