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Dropping Yourself in the Shite


LincolnHearts

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15 hours ago, Bandstand said:

I arranged a job for a guy here in the States,he was going to be emigrating illegally

Idiot never made it as far as the plane

He had a two week return ticket and a hotel booked but when US customs opened up his bag for a perfunctory check sitting on top of his clothes were a few cards that were wishing him well on his new life in America

US customs checked his bag before a flight to America?

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1 hour ago, Angusfifer said:

US customs checked his bag before a flight to America?

Well I can't vouch for that story obviously, but when I flew from Dublin to New York, you did the whole US customs thing while still in Dublin. Absolutely great idea - cuts out all the waiting around at the other end, and the US officials are probably slightly less of an arsehole when "technically" on foreign soil. 

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19 hours ago, ICTChris said:

My father-in-law used to say he was going to play tennis when he was actually going off to sling it to the woman he was having an affair with and eventually left his wife for.  My mother-in-law worked this out because she looked in his tennis bag and his gear was still folded and fresh.  He's not the brightest.

should've got dressed up in his kit and at least started off his shag-fests in full-on boris becker in a cupboard mode - would have been easier to explain why there was jizz all over his dunlop green flashes and pubes in his headband (probably....)

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Guy I used to work with was having an affair and had been for about two years, he told his wife he was going on a golfing weekend as cover for a dirty weekend with other woman

When he got home his wife asked him how it went, he complained that his wife hadn’t packed his toilet bag and he had to go out and buy toiletries when he arrived

She told him she had, she had put them in the golf ball pocked of his golf bag.

His reaction was that she was a scheming cow, not that he was cheating being an obvious bellend. They got back together and split up again after he got caught in a slightly less elaborate sting

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I had a mate who's a nice guy but when he has a drink in him is completely uncontrollable and has no morals. One night after they had been on a night out his girlfriend and her friend walked in on him pumping some bird in his house. His girlfriend left the house in a rage as you would and her friend for some reason that I can only imagine was to tell him how much of a dick her was, stayed at the house to have a word with him.

True to form he ended up pumping the friend that night as well which the girlfriend found out later.

The girl and the friend are no longer friends, but Mr Teflon is still somehow with the same girlfriend years later.

We no longer see him as he's not allowed to drink unless he's with her [emoji38]

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I had a mate who's a nice guy but when he has a drink in him is completely uncontrollable and has no morals. One night after they had been on a night out his girlfriend and her friend walked in on him pumping some bird in his house. His girlfriend left the house in a rage as you would and her friend for some reason that I can only imagine was to tell him how much of a dick her was, stayed at the house to have a word with him.

True to form he ended up pumping the friend that night as well which the girlfriend found out later.

The girl and the friend are no longer friends, but Mr Teflon is still somehow with the same girlfriend years later.

We no longer see him as he's not allowed to drink unless he's with her [emoji38]
not quite as good as that but we were at my mates house for a bbq his bird threw for his birthday and went out on a pub after on a crawl. my mate ended up shagging some random down a closie and was walking down the road hand in hand with her after when he bumped into his bird. we didn't kn9w she had gone out with her pals as well.

after a massive cat fight in the street, during which i seen a high heel shoe used as a weapon, he went home with the lassie from the closie.

next morning he returned home to his missus, managed to use his silver tongue,, and they are still together to this day.

i honestly couldnt count the amounts of affairs the boys had and thats just the ones i know about.
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