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Melanius Mullarkey

Stories from the Courts

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Shes German. They're in the pub and Uncle Albert says he picked up some German in the navy. He then, word for word, says the court story
But Im sure its just a coincidence. Courts being well know places for that kind of comedic genius, particularly in the 70s
thats the one. knew i was on the right lines

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Just now, ah-dee said:
9 minutes ago, Mr X said:
Shes German. They're in the pub and Uncle Albert says he picked up some German in the navy. He then, word for word, says the court story
But Im sure its just a coincidence. Courts being well know places for that kind of comedic genius, particularly in the 70s

thats the one. knew i was on the right lines

Yeah, apart from the wrong nationality, the wrong scene and the wrong characters, you were spot on ;) 

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6 hours ago, welshbairn said:

The first episode of Only Fools and Horses was in 1981.

That must have been a watershed moment in the BBC's history. What did they stick on to fill a spare half hour before 1981?

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That must have been a watershed moment in the BBC's history. What did they stick on to fill a spare half hour before 1981?
Court room comedies - based on true stories

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2 hours ago, Mr X said:

Shes German. They're in the pub and Uncle Albert says he picked up some German in the navy. He then, word for word, says the court story

But Im sure its just a coincidence. Courts being well know places for that kind of comedic genius, particularly in the 70s

I doubt if there's a totally original joke in the English language, or German come to that.

P.S. Do you think nobody ever dropped a chandelier, or leant on a empty bit of the bar, before Only Fools and Horses? 

P.P.S. They probably nicked the whole script from the P+J and the Dundee Courier.

 

Edited by welshbairn

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I recently went to the old bailey on a school trip and we were watching a murder case and the lawyer was reading out what was found on one of the suspects phones, hearing him describe the snapchat messages and the concept of mirror selfies to the court had me absolutely rolling inside my head while trying to maintain silence, posh accents make literally anything funny in court I find

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43 minutes ago, welshbairn said:

I doubt if there's a totally original joke in the English language, or German come to that.

P.S. Do you think nobody ever dropped a chandelier, or leant on a empty bit of the bar, before Only Fools and Horses? 

P.P.S. They probably nicked the whole script from the P+J and the Dundee Courier.

 

Yeah, I wasnt being entirely serious, its not like this is a  court of law

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My dad did jury service a few years ago and I asked him afterwards how it went. "Oh I said he was guilty the first day of the trial". When I asked him what evidence convinced him he replied "Evidence? dinnae need any o that. c**t wouldnae be in court if he didnae dae it"

 

Kinda lost faith in the jury system after that.

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1 hour ago, NewBornBairn said:

My dad did jury service a few years ago and I asked him afterwards how it went. "Oh I said he was guilty the first day of the trial". When I asked him what evidence convinced him he replied "Evidence? dinnae need any o that. c**t wouldnae be in court if he didnae dae it"

 

Kinda lost faith in the jury system after that.

on the other hand youll have jurors whod maintain the defendants innocence irrespective of how compelling the evidence

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1 hour ago, NewBornBairn said:

My dad did jury service a few years ago and I asked him afterwards how it went. "Oh I said he was guilty the first day of the trial". When I asked him what evidence convinced him he replied "Evidence? dinnae need any o that. c**t wouldnae be in court if he didnae dae it"

 

Kinda lost faith in the jury system after that.

I've encountered people like that. "They wouldn't be in court if they weren't guilty." etc.

I used to work with a very conservative twat lad who was extremely proud when he learned that prosecutors preferred right-leaning jurors because they were more likely to return guilty verdicts. The concepts of evidence, proof, or even justice were irrelevant to him. If the polis said someone was guilty then by definition they were and his duty as an honest citizen was to confirm that.

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I suppose this is the thread (either that or the things that make you cringe) to confess my shooshing at the constant chattering from the public benches at a High Court murder trial in Dundee only to be swiftly huckled outside by the court officials.

Apparently, the family of the Lithuanian victim  were being provided with a translation of the proceedings.

 

 

 

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I maintain that my previously stated policy of automatically convicting people who look guilty would work and provide justice we can all believe in.

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The truth will always out!

When I decided not to go to court to give evidence, I knew that it was not my mates fault that the policeman chose to stand in front of him just as my mate threw that boiling hot mug of tea across the room. How was my mate supposed to know that the aforementioned mug would hit the policeman square in the face and create a mahoosive gash in his cheek? How was my mate supposed to know that the 3 other policemen in the room would beat the absolute shite out of him with their truncheons?

Can’t believe that they found him guilty... :lol:

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1 hour ago, ICTChris said:

I maintain that my previously stated policy of automatically convicting people who look guilty would work and provide justice we can all believe in.

Tbf if anyone has a lawyer they clearly have something to hide. Why would an innocent person need a lawyer?

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another old one:

Apparently in Perth Sheriff Court years ago there was a Sheriff who had served in World War 2 and if ever an old soldier appeared before him he would admonish them as they had served King and Country. 

One day a chap appears before the Sheriff pleading Guilty to being pished and causing a breach of the peace. Defence lawyer says "My lord, my client is an old soldier who served in the desert during the War..."

Sheriff "I've heard enough. I also served in the desert. He is entitled to let off a little steam now and then as an old soldier so I'll admonish him". Sheriff then turns to the accused and asks "What regiment were you with?"

Accused replies "3rd Panzer Division mein Herr..."

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1 minute ago, The OP said:

Tbf if anyone has a lawyer they clearly have something to hide. Why would an innocent person need a lawyer?

For the same reason you'd hire a plumber to fix your toilet. There is a risk of ending up in the shite if you don't do things properly. 

"Someone who represents themselves has a fool for a client"- Scottish Legal Proverb.   

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