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When I was waiting to take my one and only turn in court (dangerous driving charge) I was particularly amused by the posh court clerk reading out the evidence for the minor offences others had been involved in.

For example there was a young lad who turned up with his pals, he had a bright yellow jacket on and I remember being surprised he wasn’t wearing a suit to make a good impression.

Anyway the guy had caused trouble in a take away shop and the police had been called. When they arrived and started trying to sort the issue out a woman copper was called by the accused a “fucking fat c**t” which was quite funny hearing the clerk saying out loud.

A lot of people in the gallery laughed, as did the boy who was in the dock. I remember the judge, who was a female, giving the accused a dirty look as these words were said.

I couldn’t believe how flippant most of those who went before me were acting. I was shitting myself.

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If you look up the court lists, you can see who's up.  I have a little look every so often to see if I recognise any of the names.  I do from time to time, but one thing that is far more prevalent is how often certain people are on there.  The judges must see the same folk every week!

Edited by Highland Capital

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47 minutes ago, Dindeleux said:

I couldn’t believe how flippant most of those who went before me were acting. I was shitting myself.

They were probably used to it.

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apocryphal tale from Dondeh Sheriff Court:

witness (giving evidence regarding a housebreaking): They even shat in ma pot of mince! 

prosecutor: what did you do then? 

witness: ah hud tae throw hauf of it awa'....

 

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7 hours ago, tamthebam said:

apocryphal tale from Dondeh Sheriff Court:

witness (giving evidence regarding a housebreaking): They even shat in ma pot of mince! 

prosecutor: what did you do then? 

witness: ah hud tae throw hauf of it awa'....

 

<BUZZ> That was from a TV play called Shoot for the Sun with Jimmy Nail and Brian Cox (no, not that one) as small-time drug dealers in Edinburgh. Also had Bill Simpson (yes, Doctor Finlay himself in his final role) as the kingpin who's not amused at them trying to operate on his territory .  Written by Peter McDougall, who also gave us the excellent Just Another Saturday about the Orange Walk.

Anyway, there was a scene where they're in a lift with an old man whose house had been broken into a couple of days before and he came out with the above.

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I'm unsure of the origin of this story of an exchange between a defendant in the dock and a hard of hearing sheriff, and even less unsure of it's authenticity.

Sheriff - "What did you do to the victim?"

Defendant - "f**k all."

Hard of hearing sheriff turns to clerk of court and says, "What did he say?"

Clerk of court - "f**k all, your honour"

Sheriff - "That's odd, I could have sworn I saw his lips move".

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Linlithgow Sheriff Court a few years ago: 

1st accused has legal representation, 2nd accused is representing himself. 

The 1st accused's lawyer goes into a great speech in mitigation about how his client is very sorry for his misdemeanour, he is embarrassed to be appearing before the court and he will endeavour to be a better person in future etc etc. 

Sheriff listens attentively to this speech and then asks the second accused, "have you anything to say for yourself?"

Second accused says "No really my lord, I'm jist an erse". 

Both accused got the same sentence! 

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The earnest young defence counsel, trying to keep his client out of jail, operating in an Ayrshire sheriff court: " My Lord, the Sword of Damacles hangs above the head of the accused."

Sheriff retorts: "Well, he should have thought of that before he took the Knife of Stanley down his victims cheek."

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If you look up the court lists, you can see who's up.  I have a little look every so often to see if I recognise any of the names.  I do from time to time, but one thing that is far more prevalent is how often certain people are on there.  The judges must see the same folk every week!
Yep, it makes for a good read on a Monday morning to see who's up for the week.

A guy I used to work with was up in court a few months back, hadn't seen him in a while so just assumed he'd managed to make a tit of himself while drunk again - he had previous for breach of the peace and generally being a fud.

Nah, turns out he was charged for downloading images of children. The beast b*****d tried to run away on the day of court and the police caught him, so he got an extra 9 months added to his 18 month sentence. Arsehole.

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Cyclist in dangerous driving shocker! 


The worst part was when the police caught me and discovered I also had no road tax or insurance.

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1 hour ago, Dee Man said:

I'm unsure of the origin of this story of an exchange between a defendant in the dock and a hard of hearing sheriff, and even less unsure of it's authenticity.

Sheriff - "What did you do to the victim?"

Defendant - "f**k all."

Hard of hearing sheriff turns to clerk of court and says, "What did he say?"

Clerk of court - "f**k all, your honour"

Sheriff - "That's odd, I could have sworn I saw his lips move".

Billy Connolly, Riotous Assembly album, 1979.

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Pedal poverty's no laughing matter.    


My bike cost more than my car would you believe.

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6 hours ago, GordonD said:

<BUZZ> That was from a TV play called Shoot for the Sun with Jimmy Nail and Brian Cox (no, not that one) as small-time drug dealers in Edinburgh. Also had Bill Simpson (yes, Doctor Finlay himself in his final role) as the kingpin who's not amused at them trying to operate on his territory .  Written by Peter McDougall, who also gave us the excellent Just Another Saturday about the Orange Walk.

Anyway, there was a scene where they're in a lift with an old man whose house had been broken into a couple of days before and he came out with the above.

As a student, ( in the mid 80’s) this became our stock expression, for somebody upsetting your plans , he’s shat in ma mince , etc , however the peak came when one Friday evening in the Teviot Row union, one of the lads , who had been successfully chatting up a young lady , went too far too fast , 

admitting later , “ ah shat in ma ain  mince “

Edited by bishopburn boy
Too thick

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Sheriff at Greenock after listening to a long and enthusiastic mitigation plea for a multiple repeat offender. “ Well what does he want then? A pat on the heid and an aipple?” (Slang words in posh accent added to the hilarity I’m told.)

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On 14/09/2018 at 14:35, ICTChris said:

Looking forward to bumping this thread whenever a P&B poster is up in court.

BUMP 

Screenshot_20180917-200032.thumb.jpg.50953d6007cf72ee0b463ef86dacdaf9.jpg

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I was on jury duty at Ayr sheriff court last year, the clerk came in and said that if anyone knew the accused or any of the witnesses they could be excused. 

They then read out that it was a crime in Cumnock and read the two accused names. A murmur went up and one old boy along from me said "WOAHFUCK!" and 2/3 of the room left. 

It was delayed so they never got to selection which was just as well because there was only about 12 of us left. 

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Not sure if this actually happened, but there was a German brought up on a minor charge at Aberdeen Sheriffs Court, and the Sheriff asked if anyone in the courtroom could translate and someone volunteered. "Ask him his name please." "Vot eess yoor naym?" As I remember it he got done for contempt.
Only Fools and Horses take

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