farty pants

[williemillersmoustache]

42 minutes ago, Kennboy1978 said:

Right, who was it?

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-45273485?__twitter_impression=true

 

 

Celtic fans.

[HTG]

I was in Debenhams last week to try and get shot of some gift vouchers. Tried some stuff on in the changing rooms and then leaned forward to tie my shoelaces.  Just wasn't expecting the compression attached to leaning forward to produce the involuntary klaxon that emerged. My embarrassment at handing back the stuff to the young lady on duty was partially offset by the relief that I was still dry.

ETA - didn't see any filterwear. 

Edited August 22, 2018 by HTG

[BigBo10]

My mate once farted on a plane and the smell was so rancid that a man, on the opposite side of the aisle, picked up his nappy wearing infant and sniffed its arse because he thought it had shat itself.

Feckin brilliant. Literal tears running down my cheeks.

[Arch Stanton]

3 minutes ago, BigBo10 said:

Feckin brilliant. Literal tears running down my cheeks.

I was siting beside him at the time and tears were running down my cheeks...but not from laughter.

[Hillonearth]

I still get the time I held in a fart all the way from Paris cast up to me. That couple of hours fermentation meant the result was something special.

I think it was more the fact that I also held it in until we'd picked up the car at the airport and driven away in it to be fair.

ETA - I've also just been reminded when we got back to Scotland it was raining so hard she couldn't keep the car windows down.

And we'd been over to Paris for her birthday. My bad.

Edited August 22, 2018 by Hillonearth

[nelsjfc]

Having kids is a great way to deflect blame for your wretched smell.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

10 minutes ago, Hillonearth said:

And we'd been over to Paris for her birthday. My bad.

 

I'd forgive a thousand eye-watering farts if you never uttered that abomination of a phrase again. 

[Hillonearth]

1 minute ago, Cardinal Richelieu said:

I'd forgive a thousand eye-watering farts if you never uttered that abomination of a phrase again. 

My bad arse?

[Cardinal Richelieu]

Just now, Hillonearth said:

My bad arse?

You know what you've done. And I fart in your general direction. 

[Hillonearth]

Just now, Cardinal Richelieu said:

You know what you've done. And I fart in your general direction. 

I'll consider it cupped and thrown...

[Shotgun]

I'm only a few days away from my 56th birthday. Yet here I am, giggling and snorting like a fucking 8-year old. Great thread.

My personal proudest moment was in a youth hostel in Phoenix, some 20 odd years back. The phone company were digging up the street a few yards down not long after a well publicised gas leak had caused an explosion in a block of flats. A particularly splendid green chili burrito spent a few hours fermenting in my guts before reappearing with a call not dissimilar to that of a blue whale looking for love. Pleasing that may have been but the smell...oh dear lard, the smell. Every canary within 6 city blocks turned green and keeled over.

The wumman who ran the hostel ended up calling the gas company, the police department and the TV networks trying to get some action before the explosion she was convinced was imminent. 

[WeAreElgin]

Some b*****d dropped a Careless Whisper in the work lift the other day just as he got off, leaving me with 3 glaring and irate Irish bank employees and a metal box full of guff. I've been framed.

[ah-dee]

the best place to drop your guts is obviously at a crowded bar. if you can launch one just special enough you are guaranteed to be served first. this only works if you have the bottle to stand your ground and out yourself as being the delivery vehicle

[Jacksgranda]

9 hours ago, Shotgun said:

I'm only a few days away from my 56th birthday. Yet here I am, giggling and snorting like a fucking 8-year old. Great thread.

My personal proudest moment was in a youth hostel in Phoenix, some 20 odd years back. The phone company were digging up the street a few yards down not long after a well publicised gas leak had caused an explosion in a block of flats. A particularly splendid green chili burrito spent a few hours fermenting in my guts before reappearing with a call not dissimilar to that of a blue whale looking for love. Pleasing that may have been but the smell...oh dear lard, the smell. Every canary within 6 city blocks turned green and keeled over.

The wumman who ran the hostel ended up calling the gas company, the police department and the TV networks trying to get some action before the explosion she was convinced was imminent. 

What were you doing in a youth hostel at 36 years of age?

[IrishBhoy]

What’s people’s opinions on people who openly fart when other people are eating? 

I do it in the work canteen and wouldn’t be bothered if someone done it to me. I would never try and hold in a fart and after eating they come easily, but I get the feeling some people would think it to be extremely rude. 

[Arch Stanton]

the best place to drop your guts is obviously at a crowded bar. if you can launch one just special enough you are guaranteed to be served first. this only works if you have the bottle to stand your ground and out yourself as being the delivery vehicle

Let go a long, lingering stench as you're making you way outside for a fag.
I call this a vapour trail.

[Fullerene]

 

[Benjamin_Nevis]

the best place to drop your guts is obviously at a crowded bar. if you can launch one just special enough you are guaranteed to be served first. this only works if you have the bottle to stand your ground and out yourself as being the delivery vehicle

Done right, this is magnificent. I ruined my mate's attempts at pulling a fairly tidy bird with a fart a good few years back. We were in the Thrums Hotel, pretty much the only reliably busy pub in Kirriemuir. My pal Drew was chatting someone up and as I was just nipping off for a pish, I had an urgent need to fart. I couldn't hear it due to the music, but I knew it would smell horrific. I swiftly departed to the gents for a pish, sniggering like a child at my handiwork. I returned shortly afterwards to a now very lonely looking Drew who realised straight away it was me. His target had fucked off in disgust and no one else was standing near him [emoji38]

[ah-dee]

Done right, this is magnificent. I ruined my mate's attempts at pulling a fairly tidy bird with a fart a good few years back. We were in the Thrums Hotel, pretty much the only reliably busy pub in Kirriemuir. My pal Drew was chatting someone up and as I was just nipping off for a pish, I had an urgent need to fart. I couldn't hear it due to the music, but I knew it would smell horrific. I swiftly departed to the gents for a pish, sniggering like a child at my handiwork. I returned shortly afterwards to a now very lonely looking Drew who realised straight away it was me. His target had fucked off in disgust and no one else was standing near him [emoji38]

excellent! im laughing out loud [emoji23][emoji23]

[KnightswoodBear]

Back when I was an apprentice, I'd been out on the Thursday night in Archaos until closing time, then got home had a couple of hours kip and got picked up by the engineer who was training me.  Our first job was at the old, now no longer there, Royal Bank of Scotland on St Enoch square. 

I was quite looking forward to it on the way in as I knew a mates, very tidy ex bird, worked in there.  As we drove to it though, my still pished state gave way to an increasingly crippling hangover.  Once we got there, the engineer took pity on me and told me to sit in one of the chairs in the waiting area as we wouldn't be long.

The very tidy bird was indeed working and came over to have a chat.  By this point I could barely speak and as she was blethering away I realised that I was going to fart.  In my state I couldn't even muster up the effort to try and stop it and pathetically let out a long, high pitched revelery akin to a balloon being slowly let down.  It went on forever.  

Then the stench followed.  She got up and walked away without saying goodbye.  

Luckily I've never saw her again. 

Edited August 23, 2018 by KnightswoodBear