coprolite Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 5 hours ago, D.A.F.C said: Worked with a guy who claimed to be in the special forces and stationed in the falklands after the war. It was hard to tell if he was bullshitting at first but the stories kept getting more and more daft until I started feeling a bit sorry for him. ”was on an exercise guarding a bunker comms centre and fell asleep, woke up with a knife at my throat” ”used to have to clear up dead penguins on the minefield” Apparently he was called ‘the iceman’ as he would put ice in his beer and drink a pint before it melted at all. One summer day he brought in a bottle of coke that had ice in it, then announced ‘ahhh the iceman commmeth’ smugly and in front of about 100 people emptied half the bottle all over himself when taking the top off like mentos fountain effect. One guy laughed so much he fell off his chair adding to the hilarity. If he was special forces we are all f**ked. Dead penguins on the minefield. that is absolute genius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MONKMAN Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 An old boss of mine (he’s ex Royal Navy), was unbelievable for telling blatant lies. His navy tales included; Being shot at for taking $100 off a guy, after hustling him at pool in Alabama. The guy refused to pay, so he punched him, grabbed the cash and legged it. The last thing he remembers was the sound of bullets flying past his head as he ran down the street. Starting a mass brawl in a pub (Louisiana I think this time), by walking up to the best looking female in the place that was with a man, and saying “you’re coming home with me darling”. This resulted in him getting punched, before his back up of a squad of marines came in and trashed the place resulting in them all getting arrested. He was working inside a 110kv transformer in a radar station when it blew up, sending him flying across the room. The radar station was totalled but he walked out with minor cuts, bruises and a bit of concussion. When in the Falklands, they were sent up to resupply a troop of special forces garrisoned on a lookout point above Goose Green. He said him and his supply crew sneaked up on the troop and then threw shaken up cans of coke into their shelter, pretending to be grenades. This resulted in a bit of friendly fire, before he jumped out with his hands up giving it “calm down, it’s only us hahahahahaha”. All more believable obviously by the fact he’s 5 foot tall, 4 foot wide and had to use an inhaler the size of a banana just to walk up a flight of stairs. Yet the fat f**k managed to sneak up on special forces in the middle of an actual fucking war. Other tales included Liked to talk constantly about golf, how much he played and how good he was. Used to say that his putting “stats” were up there with the best players on tour, and that his short game stopped him turning pro. When a work golf day was organised, he turned up with about £5k worth of clubs in his bag and dressed like the late Payne Stewart. Much hilarity, when he duffed his first drive 50 yards. Don’t think he made less than a 3 putt all day and refused to play the second round the following day, as he had a migraine. The very definition of all the gear, but no idea The tragic thing is, this guy genuinely earns over 100k a year and is often publicly pulled up about his fantasist tales by another boss, yet just laughs them off. He also had the nickname hot tub Willie. Within 5 minutes of meeting someone new, he’d have phone out showing them photos of the hot tub in his garden. Although, he did genuinely have a hot tub I’m not sure why he felt the need to show everyone. He’d also find reasons to bring it up in everyday conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bairnardo Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 The funny thing about this thread is that the fantasist at my work could easily be one of the ones described here. There must be a general template these people follow to make them all sound so similar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GAD Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I once worked with a guy who claimed to have invented both the Nokia 3210 phone and the PlayStation. I'm pretty sure he did neither. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWalksBehindTheRows Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Worked with a boy who had a few belters, His mum invented mosquito nets - A film crew were filming in his home town of Lochinver and staying at his mum's. The midges were driving them mental until his mum took down the net curtains and made hoods for them all. Well, can you believe it, someone must have seen her do it because the next year midgie nets were on sale in the shops. His mum turned down marriage offers from 3 millionaires - 3 separate millionaires asked his mum to marry them and she turned them all down. She was about 20 stone and a hell of a looker right enough. He drank 23 pints of milk in one go - He came in rough as after a three day sash and nailed 23 pints of milk one after the other. When it was pointed out his body couldn't possibly take that amount of fluid without throwing up he said he was that dry it wasn't a problem. When asked who the f**k had space for 23 pints in the fridge he said he had 4 siblings and they went thru a lot of milk in a day. His step dad was an assassin - Not a hitman, an assassin. That was a deputy manager at B+Q. Apparently he used to save up his holiday time for when a call for a contact came thru, then he'd take the time off to go on his mission The scary thing is he actually believed all this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 10 hours ago, Joe Terrapin said: A boy who did some joinery work for me has now claimed he has joined the SAS. Despite the fact he is 45, 5'8'' and 15 stone.He has sent a photo of himself wearing a berry to authenticate this claim. WTF. I actually feel these people are insulting you as they obviously think you are stupid enough to believe them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 10 hours ago, D.A.F.C said: Worked with a guy who claimed to be in the special forces and stationed in the falklands after the war. It was hard to tell if he was bullshitting at first but the stories kept getting more and more daft until I started feeling a bit sorry for him. ”was on an exercise guarding a bunker comms centre and fell asleep, woke up with a knife at my throat” ”used to have to clear up dead penguins on the minefield” Apparently he was called ‘the iceman’ as he would put ice in his beer and drink a pint before it melted at all. One summer day he brought in a bottle of coke that had ice in it, then announced ‘ahhh the iceman commmeth’ smugly and in front of about 100 people emptied half the bottle all over himself when taking the top off like mentos fountain effect. One guy laughed so much he fell off his chair adding to the hilarity. If he was special forces we are all f**ked. "special"? Perhaps. "forces"? Not so much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Many years ago the St Johnstone fan in our local wandered in with Saints Hat and Scarf having come straight from a 2-1 win over Hearts telling everyone what a great game it was and about the scenes after the dramatic last minute winner Eventually someone asked how he’d got from Perth to Edinburgh in under half an hour He’s dead now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resk Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Around 70% of these delusional tales involve the armed forces..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 17 hours ago, Miguel Sanchez said: There's a guy in my work who met Channing Tatum on holiday and is still in contact with him He also has a shotgun which can shoot things three miles away He also has a racing car of some sort but he only keeps it at "the track" Pretty much every topic of conversation that ever comes up, he has some expert insight to share with everyone He's entertaining provided you ignore him most of the time Is his name Geoff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trackdaybob Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 1 hour ago, resk said: Around 70% of these delusional tales involve the armed forces..... Turned down at the career's office type post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 2 hours ago, resk said: Around 70% of these delusional tales involve the armed forces..... I'm beginning to doubt this world war mumbo jumbo. "Aye, an evil empire, chased us to Normandy, but we escaped and went back the next week to leather them". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 On 29/06/2018 at 09:49, Melanius Mullarkey said: Paul "Cheesy" Morrison was our go to guy in Elgin for this kind of shite. Amongst his wild claims of shagging teachers whilst still in primary school, he claimed to have bough the Bishops Nightclub (RIP) in Elgin and was going to fight Mike Tyson for the world heavyweight title in a boxing ring on the dancefloor later that year. After my time - The Two Red Shoes, though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 16 minutes ago, Jacksgranda said: After my time - The Two Red Shoes, though... My maw used to work there. Maybe you knew her..... (you might need to change your username) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shandon Par Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 4 hours ago, D.A.F.C said: Is his name Geoff? I don’t know Geoff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fullerene Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 It's great to see my protégé having such an impact in the World Cup. Taught him everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tongue_tied_danny Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 I used to know a guy who claimed that he both started the started the trend for binge drinking and invented potted Hough. Seemingly he stole a bottle of Bell's from his local Spar. He was being pursued by the polis so tanned the whole bottle in a oner to destroy the evidence. This started the trend for binge drinking apparently. He later got a job in a butcher shop and was trimming the meat from a beef shank. Somehow the meat got jellified beyond his control and potted Hough was discovered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chomp my root Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Bear Grylls has a pretty hefty back catalogue in bullshit. Very much including his military career. Apparently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resk Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Turned down at the career's office type post [emoji6] Flat feet m8, otherwise I'd have been on the frontline at Goose Green, kicking Saddam's arse to rid Burma of the Nazi menace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Turned down at the career's office type post [emoji6] Is that even possible?Also, wasn't there a thread on TA wankers a while back? It was rammed full of takes of nutters and fantasists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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