Jump to content

The February Friendship Derby: Berwick Rangers v Clyde OKI


Recommended Posts

December 12th:

I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed, I'm self-affronted. I have let myself - and, critically, countless others - down and enormous apologies are due to all of you lovely people. I've betrayed the spirit of this friendship, and for what? To sell my soul in seeing festive joy being milked into the big, fat pale of capitalism at Edinburgh's Christmas market. I am a total disgrace. And, above all, I am sorry.

I feel as though the moment has been and gone in terms of celebrating a man under the current/historical employ of either club on the 12th, so I think it's time that, as a collective, we pay homage to a man who embodies the friendship between our clubs more than any other person, thing or idea. He's a man whom I worship - a beacon of hope and honour in a forum which is 80% vermin - the man who single-handedly, pain-stakingly laid the groundwork for the verbal, written and physical bodying of the region of Angus and its mutant denizens.

Some of his extensive back catalogue of fine work includes keeping the company which produces MD 20/20 afloat, betraying company policy to essentially rig a competition to ensure I won a £25 Amazon gift voucher and causing a literal meltdown within Arbroath FC during their '06-'07 title fight with his beloved Berwick. But, as alluded to above, he's best and most keenly remembered for living out his dream; bringing Angus down, one peg at a time. It's at this time we must remember the thousands of times that he has put it right up and around SimonLichtie. despite having been the unwilling recipient of the aforementioned's passive-aggressive teen-crush-esque desire and physical harassment, and the sacrifices he has made in order to illicit dozens of seething reactions and secure a legacy which now means he doesn't even have to be present on a thread in order to have Montrose and Cowdenbeath fans tripping over one another to revere their favourite Dick Dastardly figure in that endearing, backwards, idiosyncratic fashion we've come to know and love.

He is incredible, he sits squarely at the top table of the annual Friendship Derby Dinner, he is deserving of far better than the treachery I have shown in snaking this calendar. He is berwick-the-unbeatable. I could sit here and eulogise about him until the 23rd but such is his humility, this is about as short as I could possibly make it without completely underselling the man.

 

jones2.gif

Edited by the_bully_wee
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15th December:

We're now just 7 days away from the biggest game Scottish football has ever seen. It'll be nice to see a team actually willing to play Clyde, given the shitbags that have been bottling it over the last couple of weeks. Still, what more would you expect from scum like Cowdenbeath?

Anyway, today we go box office. Gargantuan at the back and an absolute monster in the air, Marvin Andrews should have been one of the most-feared defenders in Scottish football. And yet, he was impossible to be frightened of. I recall one particular incident when, right in front of the Ducket, Marv absolutely bodied goalshy forward Andy Russell in a 50/50 (credit to Russell for being brave enough to go anywhere near it). Though play continued further up the park, Marv simply hung around the half way line, waiting for Russell to reassemble his internal organs and return to his feet, shake his hand and share a hearty laugh about the whole situation. 

A man of much faith, we join former PM Gordon Brown in overlooking his alleged hatred of homosexuality to recognise this man's contribution to the game.

giphy.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

December 17th:

The weather outside is frightful, and yet things are really heating up. Today we commemorate a man who oh so is worthy of the gold he holds. This is a man who managed to quite hilariously fool Cowdenbeath FC into risking their league status by prising a fee for Liam Cusack, a player who's only talent was his ability to run.  Since departing Broadwood, talents like Brian McQueen and Scott Ferguson have sadly never been the same. That is testament to the talent of this manager, who sadly had to move to have his ability recognised by the Scottish FA. 

giphy.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

NOTE: DUE TO TECHNICAL FAILURE GIFS WILL FOLLOW. APOLOGIES FOR ANY AND ALL INCONVENIENCE CAUSED BY THIS.

Isn't it wonderful when, as a grown-up, you forget all about the advent calendar your mother has bought you out of tradition? You dig it out; you hear the rattling of the foil within, and all of a sudden, rather than the intended measly daily 5g offering of milk chocolate, you're tearing open 4 doors and ravenously throwing the miniature chocolates down your gullet. Well, it's with great pleasure that I announce a similarly joy-bringing quadruple dose of oh-so-sweet Clyde-Berwick flavoured sustenance on this fine day. 

December 14th:

The first subject of today's the_bully_wee advent extravaganza is one who may be somewhat unfamiliar to Clyde fans not entirely engrossed in the relationship between our club and Berwick's. It's not often that a non-playing staff member is so widely revered as a club legend in his own right, but Len Eyre has achieved that remarkable feat after the evergreen Brian Porteous passed the proverbial baton of chairmanship to him. Lenny, as he's affectionately known, has carried on the fine work of his predecessor and really elevated the club to new heights. An electrician by trade, Len spent 8 years as a director at Berwick before winning the race to become the new head of the boardroom, a role which he commenced in May 2016. Some of Len's greatest accomplishments as chairman include overhauling the youth system to great effect - with youngsters such as Charlie Denton going on to be released by Cowdenbeath - and hosting Shielfield Park's very own summer music festival, which featured local acts whose stylings could be enjoyed by young and old alike. Alas, the loss-making venture has since been canned, surely a piece of short-sighted thinking given the sparsity of festivals in the northern music scene. More promisingly, though, attempts to create a community sports hub within Berwick are gathering momentum and the Eyre-led Berwick Rangers FC is firmly at the heart of these plans.

 

December 16th:

If Len Eyre was a left-field choice behind door 14, then prepare to be dazzled by number 16. This great young man won a competition to become Berwick's official mascot earlier this year, beating off stiff competition from Betty the Bandit and Ben the Borderer. Curiously, nobody knows his real name, nay his true identity, but perhaps this is due to the fact he is always seen shrouded in his trademark bandana - which it's said that he stole from Betty just before they were to be judged by the BRFC Mascot Panel. He's a highly mysterious figure and it's said that he models in his spare time, possibly a result of his dashing good looks and Christian Grey-esque sense of mystery and intrigue. I present to you all, alongside his pet human and aforementioned chairman Len Eyre, the handsome chap who can only be termed The Berwick Dugg.

25529923_10207749547615461_924987046_n.j

December 18th:

We're inside the last week of Friendship Advent, which can mean only one thing. Things are going to be ramped up from here on in, starting with a man who is festively plump all year round. Along with JP McGovern and Peter MacDonald, this man played an absolutely enormous part in securing the league status of both of our illustrious clubs by helping to mastermind the 1-1 draw which saved both clubs last season; the game which was, indeed, the inaugural Friendship Derby. It's a mark of this man's genius that it took two men from Clyde to plot their part in proceedings, while he shouldered the entire intellectual burden on Berwick's end himself.

John Coughlin is a man who's endured a puzzling career, all-told. Born in New York City, earning himself the nickname of Big Fat Yankee JohnCoff, as he's also known, presumably jetted back over to bonnie Scotland as a youngster and embarked on a career in low-level football. Starting off in the juniors, John stepped into the relative big-time with Meadowbank Thistle, making the right back berth his own over two seasons in the earlier nineties before a three-year stint at his one love, Berwick Rangers Football Club. Injury caused Coughlin to retire, and he assisted gaffer Tom Hendrie, winning promotion in 1994. The duo moved to Alloa in 1997, where Coughlin experienced the sweet taste of promotion again - and not for the last time - in '98.

Soon after this second triumph, St. Mirren hired the in-demand, dynamic management duo. Hendrie left The Saints in 2002, at which point it was decided that Coff's coaching pedigree was impressive enough for him to take on the challenge of pushing St. Mirren into the upper echelons of the then-First Division. However, things didn't work out for Coughlin at Love Street, and he was sacked in late 2003. Having had his team playing in a highly attractive fashion, he decided it was time to re-invent the wheel. John took the massive decision to take a step backwards in order to take two forwards, and returned to his land of birth to coach university soccer. Shacking up in Philadelphia, apparently due to his admiration of the cream cheese of the same name, Drexel Dragons men's soccer team was to be his new side. And with Drexel came a new footballing (or fatballing) philosophy; heavy entertainment. Disgusting football was to be the way here on out, with his time at Drexel gaining particular attention. The well-thought-of Terrace Podcast covered this stint in August (18 mins in HERE). 

Reborn in the States, John returned to Scotland in 2005 and was hired as Berwick Rangers manager. It was in his second affair with the club that he achieved the greatest triumph of his career; utterly shafting Arbroath in a canter to the '06/'07 Third Division title, ahead of Tell Him He's Pele's "Greatest Association Football Team of All Time" Queen's Park and the previously-stated Angus mutants. A purported lack of ambition from the board led to Coff's departure in 2007, with the club struggling in the Second Division. 

John then went into a deep depression and developed an addiction to Ochilview, with spells at Stenhousemuir and East Stirlingshire, two of the most nothing teams ever to have occupied Scottish football, taking him from 2007-2014. He achieved nothing, in line with the expectations and histories of both clubs.

In late 2015, though, something remarkable happened. Coughlin came home. He tried to make it third time extra-lucky with Berwick, but after a hugely-promising post-Christmas in the 2015/16 season, Berwick endured a tough campaign the following year once their most promising loanees and the infamous Hendo had departed. The start of this season saw Coughlin pining for a return of his trademark defensive solidity seen throughout his times at Berwick; a title-win built on what he, in the summer, called "stinginess" and that insane run of clean sheets in early '16. Sadly, this never came to fruition, and after a thoroughly sobering 5-1 reverse at home to Annan Agricultural, Coughlin was finally given the bullet. This came after an unaccepted offer of resignation after former Berwick youth player and current Cowden donkey Josh Morris sworded his side in last season's Scottish Cup with one of the Lowland League's worst sides. In spite of this relative failure, the qualified roofer found remarkable success in his full-time role, famously doing a wonderful job repairing the roof at Shielfield and overhauling, with Len Eyre, a youth structure which looks set to unearth and develop the League 2 stars of tomorrow.

May his legacy never, ever die. He is big, he is fat, he is a Yankee. He's John Coughlin; a man whom both of our great clubs owe an unpayable debt.

Edited by the_bully_wee
Link to comment
Share on other sites

December 19th:

Well, how does one follow that? I simply don't think I can - not when men of the magnitude that Lenny and Coff are being thrown about. My only hope is to throw someone just as heavy out to the world. As such, today we unwrap (which will be quite the job in itself) Britain's most rotund player, Jamie Barclay. The legendary stopper,arrived at Shielfield Park on loan from Falkirk after bursting onto the international scene with Scotland U21s. He quickly won the hearts of Berwick fans with a string of incredible performances, but those very fans were left disappointed when he chose Ochilview the following year for another loan spell. Nevertheless, the 'Gers found it in their hearts to forgive - and Barclay signed his first permanent deal as a regular with the Black & Gold army in 2011.

However, a twist was to follow. Paid in pies, Barclay piled on the weight and quickly lost the agility that helped him make some fantastic stops in his first spell.  The stopper quickly began to resemble Jabba the Hut, and was let go at the end of the season. Spotting a prospect worth reviving, the mighty Clyde-OKI stepped into try revive Barclay's career, but despite amassing well over 75 appearances in the proud colours of the Bully Wee, Barclay was never able to recapture his confidence, form nor figure.

After Clyde finally gave up on him, Jamie gave up on himself. He now resembles a gravyholic, and was recently seen begging for a club in the junior forum, under the alias 'JB17'. Godbless you Jamie - I hope you recover from your illness. 

ETA: If Francesc Fabregas sees this, I would be eternally grateful were he to post the video of Jamie's own goal. 

giphy.gif

Edited by berwick-the-unbeatable
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, the_bully_wee said:

An electrician by trade, Len spent 8 years as a director at Berwick before winning the race to become the new head of the boardroom, a role which he commenced in May 2016. Some of Len's greatest accomplishments as chairman include overhauling the youth system to great effect - with youngsters such as Charlie Denton going on to be released by Cowdenbeath -

Classic

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are currently 13 posts across the match threads of the other 4 fixtures scheduled this weekend - an average of 1.6 per team. When this is posted, we'll be up to 54. That means 27 per team. If ever there were doubt that we're fucking huge in comparison to the sides around us, let that doubt be gone.

Let me hammer home that point.

Average posts per diddy club match thread: 1.7

Average posts per massive club match thread: 27

It actually turns out we're 1488% bigger than our divisional rivals. What are the SFA planning to do about this?

Edited by berwick-the-unbeatable
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations to Steven Reid, who has been entrusted with this fine derby. His assistants Graeme Stewart and Tony Fullerton also deserve their chance. I'm sure the trio will do this game justice.

Anyway, it's time to do some education about the aforementioned great Len Eyre. Please enjoy - and if you do see Len in the great stands of Broadwood on Saturday, please be sure to tell him you love him and that you hope he is re-elected in next month's AGM.

16754686_10212262740313126_2019368206_n.

16780621_10206001329631104_652758490_n.g

16809829_10212299424270202_1549125173_n.

16924137_10212334087496761_1478997818_n.

16923724_10212342191299351_852170781_n.j

16923953_10212342191419354_1743610526_n.jpg?oh=0058807e1aa6483f0796bdc2f6d92ec3&oe=5A3E1F53

Link to comment
Share on other sites

December 21st: 

It's Christmas Eve Eve folks! Throughout our journey to Croy, we've been hit with a number of difficulties. From sad news to posters going AWOL, and from a wretched Montrose fan posting in here to Francesc Fabregas refusing to bite to my obsession with him, it's been an enjoyable journey, though certainly not one without it's struggles. But for me, nothing has been more difficult than keeping this man under wraps. 

Much debate has been had as to whether or not he was the right man for today's date - my personal view was that he might have even been box office enough to headline the 2017 Friendship Derby advent calendar. Nevertheless, revealing this man a day earlier than anticipated is nothing but a hefty weight off my shoulders. Today ladies and gents, we commemorate one of the finest strikers in generations - a natural goal machine, a Scottish journeyman, yet another youth international who didn't get the support he deserved to make it to the highest level, it's Craig Michael O'Reilly.

Amazingly, Craig featured for Clyde during just one spell - despite having been heavily rumoured with a number of moves to Broadwood throughout his illustrious career. The threatening hitman fired 6 goals during his time with Berwick, setting a personal record during the earliest part of his spell at Shielfield by scoring a quite incredible four goals in four games - a return shoddy forwards like Rory McAllister, Marc McGuigan and Blair Henderson could surely only dream of.

Sadly O'Reilly's spell at Berwick was dramatically cut short when he was brutally assaulted by a pothole whilst out jogging. Rumours that the pothole had been left by a rogue Arbroath team bus after he single-handedly bodied them during the aforementioned run of form have never been proven, but there is certainly no smoke without fire, and no scum without Angus.

Today's gif tells a story. A story about a man that we all want to tongue. A story about a man with a chin bigger than Jonny Bravo. A story about a man with angel bollocks, and a story about a man who just loves to shag Angus mutants. My final contribution, my love, my Craig O'Reilly. 

giphy.gif

Edited by berwick-the-unbeatable
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...