ICTJohnboy Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 Clearing out my loft the other day I came across an old compilation book of Tom Shield's diary column from the Herald. Some of these are priceless - feel free to add your own! "A chap driving erratically in Glasgow is pulled over by the traffic cops, who ask if he's been drinking. "Well", he tells them, "My team won, so I stopped off with my mates for a couple of pints. There was a happy hour and they served us with a couple of margarita cocktails. And then, when I dropped my mate off, he invited me in for a couple of halfs, and it would have been rude of me to refuse. The officer sighs and says : "I'm afraid you'll have to come to the police car and take a breathalyser test. "Why", says the driver, "Don't you believe me?" As an indication of how tough it got to be for police trying to gather evidence after a drugs related shooting incident in Glasgow, one smart-suited man they stopped said he was a Jehovah's Bystander. When they asked if he did not mean Jehovah's Witness, he told them there were no witnesses around these parts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YER SISTERS YER MAW Posted July 13, 2017 Share Posted July 13, 2017 NOW FFFUCK OFF!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 A mother who moved to Newton Mearns found that her son still wanted his hot-water bottle, shaped like a cat, in bed at night to comfort him in the strange surroundings. That was why when the local minister called round to welcome her to the area, a voice from upstairs in the bedroom shouted down : "I want hot pussy" For some reason conversation with the minister seemed a bit strained after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 My favourite anecdote (which hopefully wont be a "you had to be there" one) occurred at a party in Glasgow around 15 years ago. The sun was coming up, and a few friends were sitting in the kitchen grimly drinking the remains of their carry-out before skulking off home to bed. Suddenly, some big Asian chap breezes in, grabs my friend's last can, downs it in one, slams it down the table and roars "RIGHT LADS. GAME OF CARDS?". Of course, this guy's nickname became "Game of Cards", though he probably didn't know it. A couple of times I've been in the motor my mate when he's spotted Game of Cards walking down the street, and he's rolled down the window and yelled "GAME OF CARDS" at him before speeding off. I'd like to think that it still occasionally happens to him to this day and he has no idea why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted July 14, 2017 Author Share Posted July 14, 2017 Then there was the teacher who noticed a chap in class in the afternoon who had been absent during the morning. Asked where he had been the boy replies he had been at the fish school. The teacher racks his brains wondering if he had missed an unusual vocational initiative. "The fish school, eh? What kind of things do you do there?" he inquires, his brain now whirling with thoughts of fly-tying or gutting. "Naw sur, replies the boy, the procurator fishschool - I got lifted at the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peasy23 Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 I remember laughing more than was probably necessary at one tale in his Herald column about a supply teacher from Glasgow working at a school in Lockerbie. He had given a pupil detention after pulling him up for running in the corridor, the boy had replied "but Sir, i need to run to catch the 'Fechan bus!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Man Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 16 hours ago, ICTJohnboy said: Then there was the teacher who noticed a chap in class in the afternoon who had been absent during the morning. Asked where he had been the boy replies he had been at the fish school. The teacher racks his brains wondering if he had missed an unusual vocational initiative. "The fish school, eh? What kind of things do you do there?" he inquires, his brain now whirling with thoughts of fly-tying or gutting. "Naw sur, replies the boy, the procurator fishschool - I got lifted at the weekend. Fake stories/shite jokes thread for this pish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WILLIEA Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 There was a story in the 70's about a guy who whilst sitting an exam at Glasgow Uni. asked for a glass of port. He insisted that the invigilator checked the rules and sure enough there was an old unrepealed law entitling a student to one glass of port during an exam. So he got his port. Two weeks later same guy was fined for being improperly dressed by the university court. He had walked through the quadrangle on a Sunday while not carrying his sword. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 They breed them tough in Bellshill. A guy was the sole customer in a chip shop there when a drunk swayed in and asked him for a light - the guy shook his head and said he didn't smoke. Becoming a bit agitated the drunk then asked the chip shop owner for a light, but again his request met with a negative response. The inebriated chap then pointed at the fish fryer and said : "Well how do you light that then". "Automatic pilot", replied the owner. At that the drunk turned on his heels in disgust and, while lurching out the door bawled back : "I've a good mind to come and torch this place" to which the owner replied calmly : "How can you do that when you haven't got a light?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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