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Bizarrely the guys bullshit stories also include looking at goalkeeper gloves in a sports shop in Alloa then being tapped on the shoulder by Rangers keeper Chris Woods who told him to put his money away and gave him his goalie gloves. Because obviously all keepers carry their gloves on them at all times 

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On 12/19/2018 at 11:05, Jason King said:

These millenials really give out far too much information - a discussion in an open plan office around the man who shagged you senseless at the weekend isnt really appropriate. Amusingly though he seems to have ghosted her whilst she is upset as for her it was the start of something special.

You are a slapper he picked up in a nightclub and who shagged him after a couple of Camparis and a grope of tits/cock infront of several hundred people, I cant think why it hasnt led to a wedding!!! Anyway as I'm classing them both as slappers I hope there is a nonfatal STD doing the rounds. 

Might shut her up.

 

Spoiler

... wid?

 

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40 minutes ago, Swordfishtrombone said:

Not someone I work with but my mate was telling me about a king bullshitter at his work. His stories include seeing a cow commit suicide by jumping off the edge of  a cliff because midges were annoying it. Accidently hacking into the Pentagon when he was trying to put his overtime into the works computer. Being outside the work, whistling and having an 8ft Buzzard land on his arm. Nearly being carried off by an Eagle when he was up the hills because he was wearing a lambswool jumper and the Eagle mistook him for  a lamb. Going to a top end hooker who told him not pay because it was the best ride of her life. 

Sounds like a guy I was in school with who claimed he could remember his own birth.

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34 minutes ago, Honest_Man#1 said:

What does this do? I’m all for annoying read receipt wankers.

I heard about a guy who never opened his boss's e-mails but looked at them in the preview pane, which doesn't trigger a read receipt. Then after about six months he deleted them, resulting in his boss being inundated with several hundred 'deleted unread' messages all at once.

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2 hours ago, Swordfishtrombone said:

Not someone I work with but my mate was telling me about a king bullshitter at his work. His stories include seeing a cow commit suicide by jumping off the edge of  a cliff because midges were annoying it. Accidently hacking into the Pentagon when he was trying to put his overtime into the works computer. Being outside the work, whistling and having an 8ft Buzzard land on his arm. Nearly being carried off by an Eagle when he was up the hills because he was wearing a lambswool jumper and the Eagle mistook him for  a lamb. Going to a top end hooker who told him not pay because it was the best ride of her life. 

I worked with somebody like that - everybody called him 'Ferdinand' behind his back (there was a TV show at the time called "The Staggering Stories of Ferdinand De Bargos"). He was a ***, BTW.

There was a scene on 'Yes Minister' where Hacker wrote a comment "Balls!" on a memo, then thought better of it and changed it to "Round objects!" Sir Humphrey then asked who Round was, and what he was objecting to. That joke wasn't original to them, but Ferdinand claimed that his uncle was the first person to do that for real and everybody since had been copying him. 

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3 hours ago, MixuFixit said:

Anyone whose ringtone is anything other than generic ring ring needs sacking.

Promotions for anyone with vibrate or silent.

my ringtone is Sikamikanico by the red hot chilli peppers (nice and distinctive, is a great track and perhaps most importantly of all, was featured in Waynes World), but I always make sure to have my phone on vibrate/silent in work, not least because you get pulled up heavily if it's seen on your desk due to sensitive information*

*allegedly someone a bit dim took a photo of a footballer's P60/payslip a few years ago and shared it about over the internet, resulting in a bit of a shitstorm

Edited by Thistle_do_nicely
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The previous posts about fantasist workmates reminded me of an absolute nugget of a boy that started my last work at the same time as me. He was in most major newspapers as he ended up in court by pretending to be in the fire service when he took it upon himself to attend the major fire behind Easter Road a few years ago. He somehow managed to get access to a fire service car and use it to go and get sausage rolls for everyone!! My personal favourite headline was "Fireman Sham"
I think it says a lot for the character of this boy that not one of us in his team was actually surprised by this. On his first day at the typical 'get to know everyone session' he told us about how he had spent time in the LA fire service, was a sound engineer for the company that our work used when they put on any events and that in the summer he travelled the world as a roadie for Robbie Williams, who he was personal friends with. All this by the tender age of 17.....

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worked with a lad about 10 years ago who cant have been far off 30 stone. he brought about 4 of the large 1.7 litre bottles of coke to work with him everyday which had resulted in what teeth he had left being black stumps. naturally his personal hygiene wss none existent and the shite he sould come out with for attention was unreal. my favourite was when he claimed he was buying w moped that weekend so he could get to work. a 2000cc engine would struggle to move his ass

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I came into the office a little late this morning but was still planning to leave a little early right after my boss left, she was on the way out the door 15 minutes ago and all was looking good, until the guy at the last desk before the door decides to strike up a conversation with her, come on to f**k mate!

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31 minutes ago, Torpar said:

I came into the office a little late this morning but was still planning to leave a little early right after my boss left, she was on the way out the door 15 minutes ago and all was looking good, until the guy at the last desk before the door decides to strike up a conversation with her, come on to f**k mate!

I'd to work a weekend the other week, but thinking "ah it'll be grand, it'll just be me at my desk and I can feck about all day".

Was then informed my boss was coming in for the morning "to get a bit of work done". That would have been fine, but he ended up phoning to say he'd be "in late but staying late", meaning there was no chance of me sloping off early.

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7 hours ago, whiskychimp said:

My boss fired the receptionist by email during the holidays. Poor guy turned up on Wednesday as he hadn't read his emails over the break. He was asked to leave immediately and read his emails. 

What a c**t. 

A guy receptionist?

He should get a real man's job.

Construction or some job lifting stuff.

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12 hours ago, ah-dee said:

worked with a lad about 10 years ago who cant have been far off 30 stone. he brought about 4 of the large 1.7 litre bottles of coke to work with him everyday which had resulted in what teeth he had left being black stumps. naturally his personal hygiene wss none existent and the shite he sould come out with for attention was unreal. my favourite was when he claimed he was buying w moped that weekend so he could get to work. a 2000cc engine would struggle to move his ass

Sounds exactly like a guy I worked with who was a moped enthusiast. I never saw him on one but the image I had was of a scooter with industrial strength reinforced suspension with a Boeing engine to power it. 

One of his whoppers was that the signal strength icons at the top of your mobile screen don't actually work and are just there for show. Fat f**k.

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