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      Pie and Bovril Nostalgia Mobile Phone Cases!   12/09/18

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Scary Bear

C**** on a Train

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7 minutes ago, invergowrie arab said:

Because their genitals are at head height and they bang into folk as the train moves about.

They make the place look untidy too.

You wouldn't be saying that if Lexie Pantera was stood at your seat....

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3 minutes ago, sjc said:

You wouldn't be saying that if Lexie Pantera was stood at your seat....

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I would let her sit on my reserved booking.

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Just now, invergowrie arab said:

I would let her sit on my reserved booking.

I doubt you'd even make it to Haymarket let alone get off there mate....

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Wee woman on my train every day. Stands on the platorm in all weathers, peering up the line towards the train. It won't go without you dear.

She then stands up and shuffles to the doors before they close at High Street in preparation for getting off at Queen Street.

I'm going to shove her in front of a train.

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My missus was telling me about a beautiful thing that happened on a train she was on home. Booming-voiced middle-class English family getting on everybody's tits, until Daddy asked the conductor (big fat nae-nonsense guy with a skinhead).

"How many stops until Whitecraigs?"

"This train doesny go there, mate"

"Yes it does - this is the train to Neilston."

"Nah, bud - this goes to Newton"

"I think you're mistaken"

"I work on the trains - I know what one I'm on..."

He flatly refused to accept they'd misread the board and were on the wrong train, and continued to create a stink:

"You changed the destination of this train after we got on..."

Eventually, Daddy lost patience and told the conductor he'd had enough of this nonsense - they were getting off and getting a taxi at the next stop - Croftfoot.

"Nae bother mate - just walk up that hill and you'll get hunners of taxis..."

Wonder how they got on in Castlemilk...

 

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3 hours ago, GordonD said:

Little known fact - this was the original title to Strangers on a Train before they made Hitchcock change it.

But never mind that - who did they decide would win the wizard-off? My money's on Gandalf.

I didn't hear the resolution of the wizard-off argument.  My ears were bleeding at that point.

What made the whole experience even more unpalatable was that, being Glasgow Uni students, the whole banterfest was conducted in that AWFUL west end accent.  It went along the lines of:

"Yeah it'd be like totally random"

"Oh MY GOD, like totally, man..."

Even thinking about it makes me shake with rage.

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2 hours ago, ICTJohnboy said:

Think it was in the Herald Diary some years ago, by Tom Shields, where it I read this....

Two wimmin friends talking on a train :

Woman (a)  The last time I was on this train a man sat beside me and tried to put his hand up my skirt.

Woman (b) OMG, how awful for you.

Woman (a)  Yes, and it was my Jaeger skirt, you know the one with the pleats....

 

Once sat in the midst of a group of young ladies (they boarded at Paisley) who proceeded to discuss the texture of various toilet papers. I choked when one of them quipped "the station has that tracing paper stuff - it once gave me a paper cut in my fanny".

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30 minutes ago, Fide said:

I didn't hear the resolution of the wizard-off argument.  My ears were bleeding at that point.

What made the whole experience even more unpalatable was that, being Glasgow Uni students, the whole banterfest was conducted in that AWFUL west end accent.  It went along the lines of:

"Yeah it'd be like totally random"

"Oh MY GOD, like totally, man..."

Even thinking about it makes me shake with rage.

"That's some qwuality bonter mate"

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Cnuts that sit on an aisle seat leaving the window one empty. I take particular pleasure in adking them to move.
With regards reservstions; a few years ago me and a mate were travelling from Edinburgh to London by train. Got on to find a wee Weegie wifie and a boggin' looking brat sitting on our seats. She point blank refused to move as "we wur here first son." Eventually the guard appeared and again the wifie refused to move. The guard just tutted, said follow me to the two of us and found seats in first class. We felt that it was only right to thank the women that had taken our seats. Raging wascan understatement about how she was when we broke the news to her at Kings Cross.

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Do you get the usual train arseholes on foreign trains?

I used the underground a lot when I was in Berlin and you'd get loads of gypsy bands playing fiddles and the like but no seat hogging idiots.  Same in Denmark, found everyone very pleasant on their trains.

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Can I go even slightly more off on a tangent here and include my missus and daughter gabbing away a load of shite in the living room when im trying to surreptitiously watch Martin Croxall's paps on the news. 


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1 minute ago, Owsley said:

I haven't been on a train for ten years. True story.

c***s not on a train thread for this pish.

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12 minutes ago, Owsley said:

I haven't been on a train for ten years. True story.

^^^^^ In jail.

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5 hours ago, invergowrie arab said:

Delighted someone has started this important topic. It's too big for PTTGOYN.

Folk sitting in your pre booked seats " oh is this yours?" Well you know it's not fucking yours.

PS I only do this on very busy trains and when I'm in company I'm not an utter weirdo.

People standing up and queueing to get off too early. Usually South Gyle for Haymarket or BishopBriggs for QS. Especially at Glasgow as the train terminates there.

On a train up to Aberdeen a couple of days ago and a super important guy in a suit got up as soon as it left Stonehaven. Hilarious when the next stop was announced as Portlethen and he had to either sit back down like a dick, or stand there like a dick. He stood. Dick. 

5 hours ago, RiG said:

Daft Passenger: "Excuse me, I think you're in my seat. Can you move?"
Me: "Oh, really? What seat do you have reserved?"
Daft Passenger: "Erm, it's seat 37. Yeah, 37, you're in my seat. Could you move out of my seat?"
Me: "I don't think so, I'm sitting in my reserved seat. I think you must have the wrong coach or something."
Daft Passenger: "Oh, what coach is this?"
Me: "Coach B."
Daft Passenger: "Oh I see, I thought this was coach A!"
Me: *in my head* "Why the f**k would coach A be the middle coach in a 3 carriage train you clown?"
Me: "No problem."

I once reserved a seat in coach D and when the train arrived, it was 3 coaches long. Tad confusing as I had assumed D would be the fourth. 

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2 hours ago, Kmeister said:

The guard just tutted, said follow me to the two of us and found seats in first class. 

Those ticket inspectors, you've got to hand it to them...

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Broadening it out a bit, I overheard a conversation between 4 girls in an airport departure lounge discussing the increasing merits of the respective medical kits they were taking with them for their holiday ...

Girl 1 - 'Has anyone brought a first aid kit because I have nothing'

Girl 2 - ' I threw a few painkillers and plasters in my toilet bag'

Girl 3 - 'I got one of those first aid travel kits from Boots'

Girl 4 - 'My mum's friend is a doctor and she put together and emergency kit for me'

I suspect of there had been a 5th one she would probably have been bringing her personal physician.

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Everyone who gets a train between 8am - 9am then home between 5pm - 6pm is a complete c**t.

 

that's just a fact

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11 minutes ago, Northboy said:

Broadening it out a bit, I overheard a conversation between 4 girls in an airport departure lounge discussing the increasing merits of the respective medical kits they were taking with them for their holiday ...

Girl 1 - 'Has anyone brought a first aid kit because I have nothing'

Girl 2 - ' I threw a few painkillers and plasters in my toilet bag'

Girl 3 - 'I got one of those first aid travel kits from Boots'

Girl 4 - 'My mum's friend is a doctor and she put together and emergency kit for me'

I suspect of there had been a 5th one she would probably have been bringing her personal physician.

 

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