Infuriating Things Your Partner Does

[coprolite]

I used to get sent around to the mother and brother in law's to sort out their telly every few weeks. It was usually after they'd hooked up the dvd or vhs to watch an old movie. I got a reputation for being good at that sort of thing because i could fix stuff like power cables being unplugged or the sky box output being connected to the input. 

[AUcal]

22 minutes ago, 'WellDel said:

I'm fairly handy at diy etc, and this is a regular occurrence in my house too. She'll be sitting nattering away her usual shite on the phone, then you hear "I'll get 'WellDel to help you/do it for you, no honestly he won't mind, it's daft you paying someone when he can do it".

Sitting there drawing the eyes of her, seething until she comes off the phone to see if she's roped you into fitting laminate for her maw, installing a telly, assisting with a house move for her pal, or some other ridiculous offer that should never be made without consulting you first. Women really are worst cûnts when it comes to that.

Aye it's the "honestly he's happy to do it, it's no trouble" that gets me. If it's no trouble away and you sort it for them then. I know it's coming when I get in and I'm told "I was catching up with so and so today, they were saying they're looking for someone to..." I just know I'll be round there like a mug fixing something they've fucked up.

[Jimmy Shaker]

Was out on Saturday for football. As I left, she was doing stuff about the house. I don't like her doing this because no job gets finished but as it was my only weekend off for a month she wanted to help.

Got home for half nine at night. Bed still stripped and still not made. Clean bedding hanging out in the rain. Three individual piles of washing decorating the route between the washing machine and washing basket upstairs. One lot sitting still damp in the machine. 

The worst of furlough was it blew apart the myth of housework and while she'll at least admit it, she's still mates who insist 'a womans work is never done' and that kind of crap. Maybe if the first twenty minutes of every housework session didn't involve glowering at your fucking phone trying to find Adele songs to listen to, it might pass quicker. 

[deej]

34 minutes ago, Jimmy Shaker said:

The worst of furlough was it blew apart the myth of housework and while she'll at least admit it, she's still mates who insist 'a womans work is never done' and that kind of crap. Maybe if the first twenty minutes of every housework session didn't involve glowering at your fucking phone trying to find Adele songs to listen to, it might pass quicker. 

Probably why they get paid less

[BFTD]

2 hours ago, AuAl said:

Volunteers me to help her family or friends to fix things or set things up all the time. Her wee brother was moving the other day and the night before she tells me that she promised I would help him over a week ago. Anything vaguely technical that her pal or sister/mum can't fix and it's "don't worry AuAl will come round and sort that". Will I f**k. Wouldn't mind so much if I was being asked directly or if I volunteered myself to do it. Having her just decide that I will do it without asking me fucks me right off, happens all the time. Then falls out with me anytime I can't/don't want to do it. Pfft.

Does it work the other way? Like, if your maw threw up on her living room floor, would it be OK if you volunteered Mrs AuAl's services to go round and scrub the carpet?

I think you should find out.

[Busta Nut]

Apparently "aye" is not a sufficient and concrete enough answer when asked to do something, ie.
"will you help xxxxxxx with xxxxxxx on Thursday?"

"Aye".

She wasn't sure I was going to as "aye" wasn't saying much. Fucking boils ma piss. Lead to a discussion where I had to flat out tell her "here's how you ask a question"

"On Saturday I am needing to go to Matalan around 11am, You don't have anything on do you? Don't wanna take the wean"

instead of...

"See on Saturday?"

"....yeah...."

"You got any plans?"

"no"

"I've to go to Matalan and don't wanna drag the wean around"

"That's fine I will do something with the wean."

[BFTD]

That's reminded me of something that used to drive me nuts; the trail of infinity questions that could be reduced down to one.

"Are you going out?"
 - Aye
"Are you going into town?"
 - Aye
"Are you going to be long?"
 - No
"Will you be going past Tesco?"
 - No, but I can make a diversion
"Could you pick something up for me?"
 - Sure, what?
"I fancy something to eat"
...
*silence*
...
 - OK...I'm going to need more information than that
"Well, are you going to the bakery area?"
 - I wasn't going there at all until you said. What do you want?
"You know the area near the bread?"
 - Aye, the bakery area. You want something from there?
"Yeah...you know where they keep the pies?"
 - Yes, in the bakery area. Do you want a pie?
"Yes, can you pick me up a pie?"
 - Sure
...
*silence*
...
 - ...what kind of pie? Scotch pie, steak, bridie..."
"Urgh, no, I want a sweet pie"
 - And the filling in this sweet pie would be...?
"Apple. Can you pick me up an apple pie?"
 - Give me a while, I need to recover from this interrogation first.

tl;dr - "if you're going out, can you swing by Tesco and pick me up an apple pie? Thanks."

[Raithie]

First of all, I have no idea if I'm correct in this situation but I'm assuming I am. If I'm wrong I'm keeping shtum with the wife.

My wife rarely ever carries cash on her and was down the high street a week or so ago and realised she'd struggle to park anywhere closeby that didn't charge for parking. She phoned to explain her predicament so I explained to her there is an app you can download and you input the number that's on the ticket machine and can pay that way using a bank card. She was in a rush so I told her instead of her downloading the app if she gave me the number on the ticket machine I would pay it via the app as I already had it on my phone. All sorted happy days. Yesterday she arranged to meet her pal for lunch - again down the high street. She phones on route down the high street and asks if she gives me the ticket machine number could I just quickly pay for her parking - she wasn't 100% sure if she'd park in same place or try somewhere different so I couldn't use the previous ticket machine code as no guarantees she'd park there. No worries I say but next time take some coins with you. Couple of hours later I realise she's not phoned so assumed she'd downloaded the app herself and managed to pay. I then gets a phone calls:

"are you ok to bring up that app and pay for the parking?"

"where are you?"

"just heading back to the car"

"so you've parked the car and left it for 2 hours with no printed ticket on it or having not used the app yourself to pay for the duration you wanted?"

"....do I not pay as I'm leaving the car park"

"what car park are you in?"

"same as last week"

"so you're in a bog standard Council car park?"

".....yes"

"get back to the car pronto and if you've been collared by a traffic warden you're forking out for it....stupid cow"

"but I can pay when I get back to the car surely?"

"if a traffic warden comes by they'll either a. not see a printed ticket on the dashboard/window or b. their wee computer will probably show you've not used the app"

Anyway, thankfully there was no parking fine on her windshield.

[Jacksgranda]

18 minutes ago, Raithie said:

First of all, I have no idea if I'm correct in this situation but I'm assuming I am. If I'm wrong I'm keeping shtum with the wife.

My wife rarely ever carries cash on her and was down the high street a week or so ago and realised she'd struggle to park anywhere closeby that didn't charge for parking. She phoned to explain her predicament so I explained to her there is an app you can download and you input the number that's on the ticket machine and can pay that way using a bank card. She was in a rush so I told her instead of her downloading the app if she gave me the number on the ticket machine I would pay it via the app as I already had it on my phone. All sorted happy days. Yesterday she arranged to meet her pal for lunch - again down the high street. She phones on route down the high street and asks if she gives me the ticket machine number could I just quickly pay for her parking - she wasn't 100% sure if she'd park in same place or try somewhere different so I couldn't use the previous ticket machine code as no guarantees she'd park there. No worries I say but next time take some coins with you. Couple of hours later I realise she's not phoned so assumed she'd downloaded the app herself and managed to pay. I then gets a phone calls:

"are you ok to bring up that app and pay for the parking?"

"where are you?"

"just heading back to the car"

"so you've parked the car and left it for 2 hours with no printed ticket on it or having not used the app yourself to pay for the duration you wanted?"

"....do I not pay as I'm leaving the car park"

"what car park are you in?"

"same as last week"

"so you're in a bog standard Council car park?"

".....yes"

"get back to the car pronto and if you've been collared by a traffic warden you're forking out for it....stupid cow"

"but I can pay when I get back to the car surely?"

"if a traffic warden comes by they'll either a. not see a printed ticket on the dashboard/window or b. their wee computer will probably show you've not used the app"

Anyway, thankfully there was no parking fine on her windshield.

"windscreen", shirley?

Or do you put your "grocery shopping" in the "trunk"?

Edited October 20, 2021 by Jacksgranda
Sleppnig

[Raithie]

44 minutes ago, Jacksgranda said:

"windscreen", shirley?

Or do you put your "grocery shopping" in the "trunk"?

Yes, then I leave it on the sidwalk for the wife to take into the house and invariably she'll throw my Hershey candy in the trash can.

[Jacksgranda]

30 minutes ago, Raithie said:

Yes, then I leave it on the sidwalk for the wife to take into the house and invariably she'll throw my Hershey candy in the trash can.

I knew it, married a yank.

Keep her well away from @Meldrew, particularly if she rides a bike...

[throbber]

Why do women put clean and folded clothes halfway up the stairs? If you’ve gone to the trouble of folding them and carrying them that far why not just go all the way upstairs instead of creating a trip hazard?

[Oystercatcher]

3 hours ago, throbber said:

Why do women put clean and folded clothes halfway up the stairs? If you’ve gone to the trouble of folding them and carrying them that far why not just go all the way upstairs instead of creating a trip hazard?

And then complain that you walked by them without taking them with you.

I swear my wife goes into my cupboard and takes out clean clothes to wash as there's not enough for a full load

[dave258]

On 16/10/2021 at 20:32, Peter Grant said:

It’s probably empty

 

Wait a minute, how come nobody has called out the fact you've got fucking mince pies on the go and it's only mid-October? 

Even Jesus doesn't take the piss celebrating his birthday this early mate.

[velo army]

10 minutes ago, dave258 said:

Wait a minute, how come nobody has called out the fact you've got fucking mince pies on the go and it's only mid-October? 

Even Jesus doesn't take the piss celebrating his birthday this early mate.

Or even worse, hasn't posted their review of said pehs on the mince pie thread. Shocking dereliction of duty.

5 hours ago, throbber said:

Why do women put clean and folded clothes halfway up the stairs? If you’ve gone to the trouble of folding them and carrying them that far why not just go all the way upstairs instead of creating a trip hazard?

Mater Army has always done this. Utterly mental behaviour. Actually she does this with anything that is in the living room and is surplus to requirements in her mental eyes. Reading a book and just nipped out for a pee? The book is now half way up the stairs. I dont even live there, so don't have a room up stairs. See also a paper open at the crossword I'm doing. She's a ridiculous woman.

[Shotgun]

8 hours ago, Raithie said:

invariably she'll throw my Hershey candy in the trash can.

That's her way of showing that she loves you. Buy her some flowers ffs.

[Shandon Par]

6 hours ago, dave258 said:

Wait a minute, how come nobody has called out the fact you've got fucking mince pies on the go and it's only mid-October? 

Even Jesus doesn't take the piss celebrating his birthday this early mate.

Mrs and daughter have been caning Christmas biscuit tins and mince pies for weeks now. 

[weirdcal]

Wife had a few friends round yesterday whilst I was working from home, in total 5 adults and 5 kids. 

Almost all the mugs were used between them (fresh one per drink I assume) and chucked in dishwasher. 

The plates she decided to hand wash. 

Means I have had to use a random novelty mug this morning for my coffee and upon asking why the dishwasher wasn't put on... Oh there is plenty of space at the bottom. The bottom being for plates.

I want to understand the logic, but I like my sanity more

[Barry Ferguson's Hat]

We had friends round last night and I got pretty drunk.  I can remember everyone leaving but nothing thereafter.

Woke up in the middle of the night to go for a pish and discovered that my darling copine wasn't in bed. Worried, I search the house and find her sleeping in the spare bedroom. She's insistent that she's not moving, so, naturally, I'm terrified I've done something really bad in the half hour or so between our guests leaving and us going to bed.

I go downstairs this morning and she's still upset, saying I was really mean to her. After much apologising we're back on speaking terms and I'm able to find out exactly what happened.

I called her 'a poo and a pee'.

Edited October 31, 2021 by Barry Ferguson's Hat

[velo army]

2 hours ago, Barry Ferguson's Hat said:

We had friends round last night and I got pretty drunk.  I can remember everyone leaving but nothing thereafter.

Woke up in the middle of the night to go for a pish and discovered that my darling copine wasn't in bed. Worried, I search the house and find her sleeping in the spare bedroom. She's insistent that she's not moving, so, naturally, I'm terrified I've done something really bad in the half hour or so between our guests leaving and us going to bed.

I go downstairs this morning and she's still upset, saying I was really mean to her. After much apologising we're back on speaking terms and I'm able to find out exactly what happened.

I called her 'a poo and a pee'.

If you'd subbed out either of those words for "bobbins" you'd be fine imo.