Infuriating Things Your Partner Does

[Aufc]

Wife normally takes the car to work as I'm predominantly working from home. On route home from her work she has to go via Morrisons so if we're low on some shopping I'll ask her to nip in on the way home from work. Several times in the past I've text her, she'll read it (but ignore it), and she'll come home with the "oh, I never seen the message" - which is female talk for "couldn't be bothered" and then it's me that ends up going out for the shopping. Anyway, she phoned me for a blether when about to leave work yesterday. Me and the bairn were leaving the house early to head to the football last night so asked her if she could grab something quick for tea rather than this Mindful Chef stuff she's addicted to but ultimately takes fucking forever to cook as she gets distracted by her phone. I'm banned from cooking (suits me - I do the dishes i.e. put everything in the dishwasher). 
"can you go to Morrisons on the way home and grab something quick for tea, me and the bairn are heading early to the football tonight mind"
"....I'll come home first then I'll go back out and get something"
"what? why? you're going passed Morrisons, what a waste of petrol to drive home for one of us to go back out again immediately"
"yeah but I need a pee first"
"well use the bog in Morrisons or the bog at your work"
"oh no, I'm not pishing in a public toilet"
Anyway she gets home, we were leaving in about an hour from her getting home. Telt the bairn slyly we'll dine out at the San Starko. Suited him as he knew he'd get a mars bar out of it. As suspected the wife gets home, sits in the bog for about 20 minutes browsing through her phone then potters about the house. f**k all toilet paper left after she's done whatever she's done in the bog.
"right that's us away, see you when we're back"
"wait?!?!? what about tea?"
If anyone's seen the 50 Cent gif with Captain Picard in the backseat. Essentially mine and the bairns reaction when driving away.

She obviously hacked out a massive jobby. Give her a break


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[Mark Connolly]

13 minutes ago, Oystercatcher said:

Our bathroom cabinet has 5 shelves, I have been allocated one for my deodorant, aftershaves and pomade. Yet I am consistently having to take her toiletries from said shelf to get to mine.

[TheScarf]

Wait, do some women refuse to use public toilets?

[Bully Wee Villa]

My ex would refuse to go even when at work, making herself quite ill in the process. Fucking ludicrous behaviour.

[hk blues]

9 hours ago, 'WellDel said:

Security is not her strong point.

The carpark in our street is such that everyone uses their back door rather than the front as their main access to the house. I've come home (again) tonight to find the back door wide open, with her handbag and car keys lying right there on the worktop.

Wander into the house to find her upstairs fannying about with some tat she's bought for the spare room, but I'm the cnut for calling her out.

Actually happened a few weeks ago on a warm day when I came in to find her bag, phone and car keys lying on the table in the garden, but that was ok as she'd 'just nipped upstairs to change into something lighter'. and would only be a minute.

Like some opportunist thief would pass up the chance of some cash and bank cards, an i-phone and the keys to a 6 month old Mini since she'd 'be back in a minute'.

Headcase.

 

[UsedToGoToCentralPark]

Security is not her strong point.
The carpark in our street is such that everyone uses their back door rather than the front as their main access to the house. I've come home (again) tonight to find the back door wide open, with her handbag and car keys lying right there on the worktop.
Wander into the house to find her upstairs fannying about with some tat she's bought for the spare room, but I'm the cnut for calling her out.
Actually happened a few weeks ago on a warm day when I came in to find her bag, phone and car keys lying on the table in the garden, but that was ok as she'd 'just nipped upstairs to change into something lighter'. and would only be a minute.
Like some opportunist thief would pass up the chance of some cash and bank cards, an i-phone and the keys to a 6 month old Mini since she'd 'be back in a minute'.
Headcase.
 

One day, hide her stuff and see what happens.

[Distant Doonhamer]

One day, hide her stuff and see what happens.

This. Drive the car round the corner and hide her keys, bag etc. Casually arrive back and ask her where she’s parked the car. Wait until she’s on the point of calling the cops and fess up. She’ll instantly see the funny side and will be grateful for the useful and practical life lesson you’ve provided. [emoji106]

[BFTD]

2 hours ago, TheScarf said:

Wait, do some women refuse to use public toilets?

That's not a gender-specific thing. There are men who cross their legs 'til they get home too.

I think it's mainly a bad-experiences-at-school thing with guys. With women, some seem to think every other woman has an utterly minging downstairs area, and it's just revolting to think about sharing a toilet with one of those clarty middens.

34 minutes ago, UsedToGoToCentralPark said:

One day, hide her stuff and see what happens.

Some, possibly Mrs 'Welldel, would call that gaslighting.

She'd be wrong, but that wouldn't make much of a practical difference.

[Sergeant Wilson]

Filling in passenger locator forms. She had ordered the test packs.

I asked for the reference number from the confirmatory email.

"I didn't get an email.

Could you check please?

No, nothing, we'll  need to phone...

Can I see your phone (immediately finding the email standing out among the various wowcha deals)"

I finish the forms and tell her I'll  email copies to her so we both have them.

"I didn't get an email..."

I'm  going to drown her.

[Raithie]

14 hours ago, dave258 said:

This... wtf is this about? She'd genuinely rather sit there bursting for 4 hours and near greeting with pain than spray a wee drop hand sanitiser on some bog roll and wipe the seat. 

Surely woman can hover over the lavvy pan if they're worried about their wee erse touching the seat?

6 hours ago, Aufc said:

She obviously hacked out a massive jobby. Give her a break

 

Nah this was definitely a pish only, telt her one of these days she'll get a pile for sitting on the bog for too long reading Facebook/Instagram etc.

5 hours ago, TheScarf said:

Wait, do some women refuse to use public toilets?

Would appear so. My wife seems to chop and change her mind when to use a public lavvy. If she's got no option she'll use one but if she could get away with it she'll gladly hold it in until she gets back to her own throne. Her Mum is similar. She normally picks the bairn up from school one day a week and text me to say she would take him to the park after school. Gets another text saying she's needing a pee so won't go to the park. Told her there's a public toilet at the park - no reply. An hour after he finishes school they come back (they had went to the park after all). Asked her if she needed to use our toilet and she said "oh no it's fine, I've held it in for so long I don't need anymore"...

5 hours ago, Bully Wee Villa said:

My ex would refuse to go even when at work, making herself quite ill in the process. Fucking ludicrous behaviour.

Aye, beggers belief. 

[Sergeant Wilson]

2 minutes ago, Raithie said:

Surely woman can hover over the lavvy pan if they're worried about their wee erse touching the seat?

Nah this was definitely a pish only, telt her one of these days she'll get a pile for sitting on the bog for too long reading Facebook/Instagram etc.

Would appear so. My wife seems to chop and change her mind when to use a public lavvy. If she's got no option she'll use one but if she could get away with it she'll gladly hold it in until she gets back to her own throne. Her Mum is similar. She normally picks the bairn up from school one day a week and text me to say she would take him to the park after school. Gets another text saying she's needing a pee so won't go to the park. Told her there's a public toilet at the park - no reply. An hour after he finishes school they come back (they had went to the park after all). Asked her if she needed to use our toilet and she said "oh no it's fine, I've held it in for so long I don't need anymore"...

Aye, beggers belief. 

How often do you discuss your Mother in Law's pishyness with her?

[Raithie]

1 minute ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

How often do you discuss your Mother in Law's pishyness with her?

Usually after she's given me a golden shower, sometimes I recommend more fluid intake. 

[BFTD]

3 minutes ago, Raithie said:

Asked her if she needed to use our toilet and she said "oh no it's fine, I've held it in for so long I don't need anymore"...

^^^ discovered how Tena Lady underwear can make her feel pretty

[dave258]

2 hours ago, Raithie said:

Surely woman can hover over the lavvy pan if they're worried about their wee erse touching the seat?

 

You'd think so wouldn't you. Have you ever tried reasoning with the Mrs? I'd get a more practical and logical response if I talked to the porcelain throne itself.

[buchan30]

List of the things that make the biggest noise.

500 dB - Mrs B getting up and ready for a dayshift.
230 dB – Sperm whale
180 dB – Rocket launch
120 dB – Fireworks
110 dB – Live gig
100 dB – Night club
97 dB – Fire alarm
94 dB – Lawnmower
88 dB – Heavy traffic
85 dB – Food blender
75 dB – Hoovering

[Honest Saints Fan]

It's got nothing to do with touching the seat. They don't want others to hear them doing a shite. 

[Sergeant Wilson]

49 minutes ago, Honest Saints Fan said:

It's got nothing to do with touching the seat. They don't want others to hear them doing a shite. 

The irony is she could be heard from space.

Edited October 3, 2021 by Sergeant Wilson

[Melanius Mullarkey]

16 hours ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

The irony is she could be heard from space.

In space, no one can hear you shite.

[scottsdad]

The wife asked me to iron a pair of black jeans for her this morning to go to work in. Sure, I said. Got the pair of black jeans sitting in her drawer, ironed them and went off to work. Half way to work she phoned me - I had ironed the wrong black jeans, apparently. 

Not sure why she called, I wasn't exactly ready to turn my car round on the motorway and head back. 

 

[Boghead ranter]

8 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

Not sure why she called, I wasn't exactly ready to turn my car round on the motorway and head back. 

 

Blame allocation, the only stat that matters. 

Same reason that girls get their lads to do as many tasks as possible, regardless of how trivial (ie restaurant/cinema reservations, stuff for dinner bought from the supermarket etc) - if it goes tits up, even if you followed their instructions to the letter, it was YOU that caused the error.