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Take me out - Prime time show hosted by the housewives favourite Keith Lasley which features a group of 15 legendary hatchet men including walter kidd, neil simpson and graeme souness.

Each week a young and naive youngster tries to impress them with various and largely unimpressive feats.

Keith hysterically shouts no likey, no lighty, (a weak pun due to him being a qualified electrician) and eventually it is whittled down to three hardmen left who the youngster has to choose to face.

At this point they are taken away to a mysterious island which we all recognise as millport but in a tribute to a legendary ibrox hardman is called the "I love Fernando" where the youngster has to survive for a few days while the pyschotic ex player tries various methods to maim the wet behind the ears whippersnapper.

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Saturday Kitchen Live - Kirk Broadfoot, Kris Boyd, Barry Ferguson and others treat viewers to how footballers fuel up for a big game.

QI - fans discuss whether or not the pie stand is busy

Silent Witness - Statement from the SFA confirming that there was no sectarian singing at any ground at the weekend.

Tipping Point - an analysis of how much contact is required before Peter Pawlett will fall over looking for a penalty

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Heir HUNters:

John 'Bomber' Brown presents a programme on finding heirs to former estates. The programme does not go past it's pilot episode as John goes off Cue shouting 'Wheres Ra Deeds!' intermittently before demanding a soon to be heir to change his name to his estranged great Auntie for continuity purposes. The now one off show ends even more bizzarely with Bomber sobbing in a corner repeating 'We Are The People'.

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Call My Bluff - Alistair McCoist demands to know who is on a special panel knowing fine well who is on the panel as he met them earlier in the week but wanted to stoke Zombie FC supporters in to threats against them to get favourable outcome for Zombie FC. The bluff was never called by anyone in the media.

Next week's guest is Sir David Murray and his incredible legacy to Scottish Football. 'Will Jim Traynor, Keith Jackson or Chick Young be able to.....CALL HIS BLUFF!'

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The Hunger games - Documentary following the Kilmarnock recruitment process.

Hell Academy - Hell Kitchen spin off where fans can apply to become a footballer, players get berated byJim Jeffries and BIlly Brown and the winner gets a contract at some club.

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Doctor Who: A profile of an enigmatic Celtic manager.

The Benny Hill Tribute Show: Neil Doncaster remembers the late, great comedian's Chinaman character, the phrase "What the bloody hell you talking 'bout" and lots of jolly japes. SFA and SPFL will pay their tribute to Hill's Angels, a bunch of barely disguised tits who always manage to get left behind in the chase.

Mastermind: with Derek Ferguson.

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