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The P&B official Top Trumps Thread


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On 01/08/2017 at 00:16, Mon Dieu said:

It would have been impossible to separate the m9s from the bois, so here are the Hibs Boyz:




From the m9s to the m32s...

***s are well-known for their ignorant bigotry, but their reanimated corpse of a club has arguably become the most ignominious part of the hordes' hilarity.

From their slanderous club statements after the 2016 Scottish Cup Final, to their debut European defeat against some passers-by in Luxembourg... Rangers spent 'The Journey' being mocked, derided and ridden by fans and players alike - only to end it by recommencing their status as the most ridiculous club in world football.

This club wouldn't be here if it wasn't for their fans - and the P&B ***s are your archetypal sample of Stranger Dangers 'supporters': there's the drunk, the idiot, the *****, the coward, the bigot, the racist and the grass - add Craig Whyte and you have a grim story about a bad apple with a group of follow followers that can't see the wood for the trees.

Without further three-two, I give you the ***s of P&B...





Edited by Mon Dieu
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Mon Dieu is far too good for this forum. He needs promoted, perhaps to some kind of Atlantic League forum for the best of Northern Europe's football posters.

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  • 4 months later...

P&B's Top Trumper

A simple premise really. I go to this thread. I post a 'Top Trumper'. The post-filled poster's product on P&B is marked on 4 criteria:
Special Ability

Each poster gets a score out of 10 and their idiosyncrasies are also taken into consideration when delivering an overall score.


Sound familiar?


A simple premise really. I go to the games. I eat a pie. The meat-filled pastry product at each ground is marked on 4 criterias. Presentation. Crust. Filling. Consistency. Each pie gets a score out of 10 and the facilities and prices are also taken into consideration when delivering an overall score.

Anyway, the football season has begun so onto the first pie.

Mince Pie (£1.90) served at Dens Park, Dundee. Dundee FC (1) vs (0) Queen Of The South 07/08/10

History shows that I often treat the Dens Park Pie with some scorn. I'm a Dundee man. I consider our city to be at the forefront of pie related goodness. Any city that had a "Land o' Cakes" needs respect in my opinion but the fare at Dens is often lacking. I watched the game from the South Enclosure. The facilities for serving hot snacks are not the best in the ground in this area but the atmosphere is better than the sweetie paper rustlers of the Bobby Cox. 

Let's look at the facilities first.


Rather than the catering outlet you may expect to sell hot and cold food, this appears to be the kind of tin portacabin shack you would more likely find on a building site. It would perhaps be the sort of structure you would expect to house 5 rough looking gentlemen in high visibility jackets huddled around a small table smoking fags while playing a game of "crash" for 50p a hand and swearing loudly, a titty calendar hanging on the wall behind them. I'd sum up that the chances of decent food and hygiene are limited in this environment. It was once staffed in the classic pie shop manner by a pinch faced auld woman commanding a team of teenage reprobates. Now only the teenage reprobates remain. Service is slow.

Now onto the pricing.


I think the best way to describe purchasing snack products from such a vendor would be akin to a horrific late-night sexual assault in a pub car park. One where your wallet was stolen as well as a serious bumming in the gob. I mean, cmon. £2.20 for a shitey cup of juice? Over the £3 mark for a lips n arsehole burger? Lordy...

Onto the pie itself.

Presentation: Shocking. As soon as the pram-faced bint had given me my purchase I could see it was going to be a bad experience. The lid of the pie was barely cooked. It was a lukewarm affair as well. The Dundee pie comes in a bog standard tin tray and there's really not much else can be said about it. 4/10

Crust: A tale of two halves with an under-fired top and solid bottom. Schoolboy pie cooking error really. The pastry itself wasn't too bad. Tasty enough, but prepared this poorly there was no saving this pie. 4/10

Filling: Nothing memorable, bland is the word that sums it up best. The mince pie is often seen as the steak pies poorer, downtrodden brother. I do quite like a good mince pie though. The filling here would maybe be passable with some brown sauce to spice it up but a lack of pepper and spices just made it resemble and taste like a grey, squidgy mess. 3/10

Consistency: The mince pie is traditionally easier to pick up and eat due the the lack of gravy. The patented Gus "Lift Test" was applied and this pie did pass. It was easy enough to raise from its tin grave and eat in-hand. The lack of heat and slightly crispy bottom ensured this. Not enough to save the overall experience though. 4/10


Overall: 3/10 Considering our city's standing as the home of the pie and shite diets, the fare at Dens has a long way to go to reach passable standards. 

Let's see how the Firhill pie does next week as Dundee clash with the mighty Partick Thistle.

This was the prelude to a sweet seasonal symphony: a savoury season of pie reviews in the fabled 'A Season Of Pies' thread.

Those were happier times, with @dundeebarry posting regularly.


It is, of course, the work of none other than @Big Gus p.p.r.

*Published Pie Reviewer


Insipid, lacking bite, lacklustre and rapidly heading for the bin — enough about Dundee's performance on the pitch.

How the hell is the poster?

Big Gus (Most Influential Poster In P&B History) posts on Pie & Bovril. Dundee FC supporter; P&Ber since 25/08/07

Let's look at his reputation first.

1000+ rep in under 4000 posts - most made before the rep system was even started.
Yep - pure loved.

His pie reviews may have been eaten by an infamous P&B update but their aftertaste remains; a delicious reminder of how football is more than just a game: it's a period where one particular person leisurely perused perfused pork for the pleasure of other posters. Thankfully, the trail of pie crumbs led me to a website where these reviews still remain: untouched, undisturbed & crusted in the accretion of matter of pie — like the hot plates your dry match day pie will lie before you buy it.

Now let's look at the poster himself.

Value For Money: A published pie reviewer and voted by his peers as the 'Most Influential Poster In P&B History'. 9/10

Presentation: Well-paragraphed and structured reviews in Myriad font. I'm a Myriad man myself. If a post is structured properly it shouldn't really matter though and his style is certainly a cut above anything else I've seen this season. His threads are fairly well-heated. They don't scald others but he loses 1 mark for still not being piping hot. Solid effort though. 6/10

Filling: This poster's high point. Posts are posts wherever you go but his are warm and succinct and you can taste the peppered metaphors and other spicy figures of speech that have gone into them. Once you munch further and the saucy sense of humour comes into play with the pastry-pondering, you know his posts are a tasty treat. 8/10

Consistency: Not much to say here as if a P&Ber has a wobbly post or, worse, a full-on collapsing greasy mess of a meaty post — you best get out of their thread or it's Heads Gone time. No worries here with the pie-pundit's posts. The tolerance test was easily passed as I devoured page after page of pie deliberation, the slightly soggier posts on the bottom were beginning to get sloppy but the threat of a collapsing thread tragedy was never a worry. 7/10

Overall: Excellent effort with only some slight problems on presentation, filling and consistency really letting him down. With clean conclusions, friendly posts, original source and the high possibility of a flash of wit, Big Gus is the early frontrunner in this series of Top Trumps. 7/10











































P&B's Top Trumper

Of course it isn't @Big Gus - he's a #onepointer.


It would be doing the poster a disservice to solely refer to his experience of pie stalls and their services...

He used the term 'minter' in most of his posts; his posts are primarily the term 'minter'; he reviewed his eyes tasting the filling of an adolescent's blouse; he was a 'white knight' to the Mumsnetters before his own misogyny rendered him mum; he took his reputation on an online Scottish football forum as seriously as he took his reputation on an online Scottish football forum: very seriously; he posted an acceptance speech when Big Gus, unbeknownst to him, wasn't voted the 'Most Influential Poster In P&B History'.

Now let's look at the poster himself.

Value For Money: A rare sight these days after crumbling during the Mumsnet saga.

Presentation: Insipid grammar. 3.14/10

Filling: This poster's low point. Posts are posts wherever you go but his are filled with flabby fabrications and excessive exaggeration and you can taste the overcooked colloquialisms. Once you munch further and the dry sense of humour disintegrates with the puffy pastry posts, you know his posts are lacking bite. 3.14/10

Consistency: Wobbly posts and, worse, full-on collapsing greasy messes of meaty posts — it was for the best when 'A Season Of Pies' was culled in P&B's Threads Gone time. His threads went stale and his shining white armour was shown to be rusty with his historical histrionics about women.  3.14/10

Overall: Rapidly heading for the bin. 3.14/10




Edited by Mon Dieu
eta: 'allegedly' as I don't really know much about Big Gus
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  • 4 years later...

The revival that nobody asked for.

A new P&B Top Trump.


We go from the 'Top Trump' to The Top Trump.

On the nose, you have a poster who is absurd in their humour; there is a tendency for the surreal and viciously vivid descriptions of events whether they are real or false.

The palate of their posts hint at hilarity.

Although, sadly, he doesn't appear to grace us with his presence anymore - his posts linger like the finish of a fine single-malt whisky.

Their writhing way with words wrought havoc on the sense & sensibilities of unsuspecting posters; those that knew of him, knew they were in for a treat. 

One of P&B's success stories, they went from posting perfection to published posting. Their take on Leigh Griffiths' infamous blog led to rapturous reviews.

The Alternative Leigh Griffiths Blog, as it became known, was a work of genius.


The poster is none other than @dundeebarry


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