Funeral shenanigans

[peasy23]

If the deceased and their family never attend church and haven't given the minister any info on the deceased it's hardly surprising they know nothing about them.
I don't understand why people who never darken a church door want a religious funeral.

When my Dad passed away in 2018 his one request was that he wanted a minister to conduct the service. The day after he passed away we met up with his two brothers to start putting together his biography to give to the minister, I effectively wrote the eulogy myself and gave it to the minister when we met him a day or two later.

I've been at good and bad funerals both religious and humanist, the eulogy can only be as good as the info the family provide.

Worst I was ever at though was for the daughter of a friend of mine who had passed away aged 15 from leukaemia, the p***k of a minister managed to conduct a church service and a committal at the graveside without mentioning her name once.

[microdave]

I was at a family funeral a few years ago which was held in a funeral party and then on to the graveyard a few miles away afterwards. Everyone jumped into cars for the journey and after about ten minutes of hanging about, the brother of the deceased got a phone call to let him know that the undertakers had gone to the wrong graveyard. Luckily for them, everybody thought it was hilarious and would've given the dead guy a good laugh if he was still alive.

[Sergeant Wilson]

9 hours ago, microdave said:

I was at a family funeral a few years ago which was held in a funeral party and then on to the graveyard a few miles away afterwards. Everyone jumped into cars for the journey and after about ten minutes of hanging about, the brother of the deceased got a phone call to let him know that the undertakers had gone to the wrong graveyard. Luckily for them, everybody thought it was hilarious and would've given the dead guy a good laugh if he was still alive.

I might have posted before, but me and a mate went to the wrong graveyard a few years ago. I parked for a quick getaway and thought we'd beaten the cortege and mourners. Headed over to a freshly dug grave and hung about for 10 minutes or so. We were starting to get worried when the party turned up. As they got closer we realised our mistake. A dignified retreat might have been in order but we just ran in the opposite direction.

Earlier that day another mate had gone to the wrong parlour and decided to rush to the correct one. On the way a bird (probably a seagull) shat on him.

Edited November 1, 2021 by Sergeant Wilson

[Rugster]

Never went to the wrong graveyard, nearly did once but realised we were following the wrong cortège in time. Went to the wrong church for a wedding once though. 
 

I was at a humanist funeral a few years ago and the celebrant opened with “Angie was well known for three things: shoes, hair and tits.” It was a good service. 

[Melanius Mullarkey]

1 minute ago, Rugster said:

I was at a humanist funeral a few years ago and the celebrant opened with “Angie was well known for three things: shoes, hair and tits.” It was a good service. 

 The way it should be.

[Clockwork]

Unfortunately been to a few in recent years. Find it puzzling afterwards when friends or family comment in disappointment, that the Minister, Priest or Vicar ‘clearly didn’t know Robert very well’, (given their scripted eulogy to the departed). All very solemn and pious.
‘Aye that’s probably true Missus, because like you and the rest of us gathered, the old boy never set foot in the place since he was Christened here’!

[Ross.]

Humanist funerals are infinitely better than any religious ceremony I have attended. That said, I was at one last week and the celebrant made a comment about the deceased’s “30 years of happy marriage” which caused a few whiplash injuries as we all turned to look at each other in disbelief.

[shahid khan]

I had never been to a funeral until my Grans in 2014. Then in the following 15 months, I had then attended my Granda's and my Dad's. The Co-op even gave us a discount for my Dad's! Seriously. My Mum chose a humanist ceremony for my Dad. We met the guy who would be conducting it in a Wetherspoons in Greenock. He suggested we should write down some anecdotes and he would read the best ones out at the funeral. We got together with my sister and a few of his mates and we wrote down several memories. What a day/night this was, absolutely tremendous despite the awful circumstances. The guy spoke for a good 25 minutes, No hymns or prayers. A fitting send off. Awful couple of years though! 

[Archie McSquackle]

I'm over 60 and live in an area populated by retirees and assorted coffin dodgers and get regular junk mail about 'meals to your door' or 'disabled showers' or 'DIY hip replacements using dental adhesive' - ok so I made that last one up but you get the point.
Today's missive was from Pure Cremation who, for about £1,700 , will collect your cold, dead body and then burn it and either scatter your ashes somewhere in England or put them in an urn and send them back to your loved ones.  No ceremony needed or wanted.
Sounds like the perfect option for you.

I have no idea about the costs of these things but that seems a lot for a no-frills cremation.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

4 minutes ago, Archie McSquackle said:

On 22/10/2021 at 01:07, The_Kincardine said:

I'm over 60 and live in an area populated by retirees and assorted coffin dodgers and get regular junk mail about 'meals to your door' or 'disabled showers' or 'DIY hip replacements using dental adhesive' - ok so I made that last one up but you get the point.
Today's missive was from Pure Cremation who, for about £1,700 , will collect your cold, dead body and then burn it and either scatter your ashes somewhere in England or put them in an urn and send them back to your loved ones.  No ceremony needed or wanted.
Sounds like the perfect option for you.

I have no idea about the costs of these things but that seems a lot for a no-frills cremation.

Quote

In England the average cost of cremation is £831. In Scotland it is £815, whereas in Wales it is significantly cheaper at £741.

However, Northern Ireland is the cheapest area of the UK for a cremation, with an average cost of £392. The most expensive region is the South West of England, where the average cost of cremation is £884.

Surprisingly, London is the cheapest region of England for cremation, with an average cost of £755. This is possibly because 63% of crematoriums in London are owned by local councils, rather than private providers.

Cremation & Burial Costs in the UK (2020) - Funeral Guide

[Melanius Mullarkey]

2 minutes ago, Zen Archer (Raconteur) said:

Cremation & Burial Costs in the UK (2020) - Funeral Guide

Plenty bonfires in NI I suppose.

[peasy23]

Plenty bonfires in NI I suppose.

As long as you die at the right time of year.

[tamthebam]

On 03/11/2021 at 20:18, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Plenty bonfires in NI I suppose.

Paisley's of Belfast, Undertakers: We offer funeral packages to suit every pallet...

@Jacksgranda Genuine question: I'm now wondering if you have ecumenical undertakers over there or ones that solely cater to either community?

[Jacksgranda]

8 hours ago, tamthebam said:

Paisley's of Belfast, Undertakers: We offer funeral packages to suit every pallet...

@Jacksgranda Genuine question: I'm now wondering if you have ecumenical undertakers over there or ones that solely cater to either community?

Most undertakers cater for "both" sides, but most are predominately one or the other. I've never heard of anyone being turned away. Most folk would know which undertaker to contact to suit their particular denomination.

A mate of mine once joked that he and his RC mate should set up as undertakers - they both had the demeanour - and clean up.

[milton75]

On 22/10/2021 at 21:34, MuckleMoo said:

On 22/10/2021 at 19:23, maicoman said:

Coming back  from work today the traffic was really slow A couple of minutes later we found out why It was 2 black horses pulling a glass carraige with a coffin in it heading to the cemetery Have never seen this before  apart from on tv

There's one in Dundee that does the rounds on a fairly regular basis, spotted last week.

 

On 22/10/2021 at 21:48, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Is it lost?

Probably due to all the circles they have there.

[maicoman]

Driving up to Glasgow yesterday morning was surprized how quiet the road was until i hit the dual carriage way  Could see the  rear car lights half a mile up the road at Johnstone It had suddenly got really busy  On to the outside lane to overtake them kind of clicked on after the cars there was a lot of lorries  Then clicked on they were not pulling trailers Thought they must be on a way to a show then i am going to myself   it is a funny time of year to hold a show Then i noticed the hearse behind the leading lorry with the coffin strapped on to the lorry trailer  

[Sergeant Wilson]

2 hours ago, maicoman said:

Driving up to Glasgow yesterday morning was surprized how quiet the road was until i hit the dual carriage way  Could see the  rear car lights half a mile up the road at Johnstone It had suddenly got really busy  On to the outside lane to overtake them kind of clicked on after the cars there was a lot of lorries  Then clicked on they were not pulling trailers Thought they must be on a way to a show then i am going to myself   it is a funny time of year to hold a show Then i noticed the hearse behind the leading lorry with the coffin strapped on to the lorry trailer  

They usually just bury the bodies in a shallow grave at the roadside.

[Jacksgranda]

Allegedly

[RiffRaff]

My Mum's funeral was back in July and her only request was that a Steel Band played her into the Crematorium. Steel Bands not being the easiest things to find in East Lothian she had to do with  band doing a version of One Love via Spotify. 

There was no religious content at all, I stood up and said a bit and my eldest daughter also said a few words, she went for the humorous tales. Both speeches were interspersed with music that my Mum enjoyed.

Due to restrictions there weren't too many folk there though one of them did say that they had never been to a funeral like it before. I took this as a compliment. 

Simple but effective. 

It is what she would have wanted.

[Fullerene]

On 12/12/2021 at 20:37, RiffRaff said:

My Mum's funeral was back in July and her only request was that a Steel Band played her into the Crematorium. Steel Bands not being the easiest things to find in East Lothian she had to do with  band doing a version of One Love via Spotify. 

There was no religious content at all, I stood up and said a bit and my eldest daughter also said a few words, she went for the humorous tales. Both speeches were interspersed with music that my Mum enjoyed.

Due to restrictions there weren't too many folk there though one of them did say that they had never been to a funeral like it before. I took this as a compliment. 

Simple but effective. 

It is what she would have wanted.

I like your story.  A funeral is about the person who is gone and not about who is left.

It is the one time when you will get an Englishman to sing "Flower of Scotland" or a Scotsman to sing "Jerusalem" or anyone to sing "Agadoo" - and they thank you for it even if they pretend to curse you.

When I'm gone, it will be "I wanna be sedated" in case anyone does not already know.