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Funeral shenanigans


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Attended my girlfriend's grandads funeral yesterday in their native Yorkshire. Absolutely stunned to find out they refer to the scran etc after a funeral as "a bunfight" rather than a purvey.

Thought they were winding me up at first but Google says it's a thing. 

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Iv been a pall bearer quite a few times now for a variety of plantings and burnings, the heaviest was actually my aunties coffin who wasnt even big, probably because the arsehole who was on the other side was doing his best to take as little strain as possible. 
I really dislike the whole experience of a funeral, my first was a boy in my school who died in primary 7 and it was just so awful to see his family trying to comprehend it. 
I hate religious funerals more than anything, catholic ones the absolute worst. How anyone can get any comfort from the impersonal crap they go on about is beyond me. My first Catholic planting there was a wee bit where the priest said something and everyone stood up, some guy turned round to me from the pew in front and wanted to shake my hand so I said ‘nice to meet you’ or something equally benign and just shook his hand. But apparently thats a thing and because I didnt say some magic words my mum who isnt even a catholic got really angry with me as if I was supposed to know what to say. 
I find it really embarrassing in the religious funerals when the minister/priest quite honestly doesnt have a clue about the deceased and tells you stories about how everyone would relate to Betty’s wonderful sense of humour and kind soul but in reality she was a horrible fucker. 

Edited by Inanimate Carbon Rod
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8 hours ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said:

Iv been a pall bearer quite a few times now for a variety of plantings and burnings, the heaviest was actually my aunties coffin who wasnt even big, probably because the arsehole who was on the other side was doing his best to take as little strain as possible. 
I really dislike the whole experience of a funeral, my first was a boy in my school who died in primary 7 and it was just so awful to see his family trying to comprehend it. 
I hate religious funerals more than anything, catholic ones the absolute worst. How anyone can get any comfort from the impersonal crap they go on about is beyond me. My first Catholic planting there was a wee bit where the priest said something and everyone stood up, some guy turned round to me from the pew in front and wanted to shake my hand so I said ‘nice to meet you’ or something equally benign and just shook his hand. But apparently thats a thing and because I didnt say some magic words my mum who isnt even a catholic got really angry with me as if I was supposed to know what to say. 
I find it really embarrassing in the religious funerals when the minister/priest quite honestly doesnt have a clue about the deceased and tells you stories about how everyone would relate to Betty’s wonderful sense of humour and kind soul but in reality she was a horrible fucker. 

When to sit/ stand/ kneel must be a bit confusing for those unfamiliar. I found the same attending non-Catholic funerals. There's that wee intro before hymns, following which everyone manages to stand in unison. Except me. 

It's been mainly humanist funerals of late. I don't mind them, but the celebrant is often equally clueless about the deceased, relying I suppose on the information provided by family, who in fairness are unlikely to have him/ her described as a miserable old c**t*.

 

*Insert Larry David moment. 

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10 hours ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said:

Iv been a pall bearer quite a few times now for a variety of plantings and burnings, the heaviest was actually my aunties coffin who wasnt even big, probably because the arsehole who was on the other side was doing his best to take as little strain as possible. 
I really dislike the whole experience of a funeral, my first was a boy in my school who died in primary 7 and it was just so awful to see his family trying to comprehend it. 
I hate religious funerals more than anything, catholic ones the absolute worst. How anyone can get any comfort from the impersonal crap they go on about is beyond me. My first Catholic planting there was a wee bit where the priest said something and everyone stood up, some guy turned round to me from the pew in front and wanted to shake my hand so I said ‘nice to meet you’ or something equally benign and just shook his hand. But apparently thats a thing and because I didnt say some magic words my mum who isnt even a catholic got really angry with me as if I was supposed to know what to say. 
I find it really embarrassing in the religious funerals when the minister/priest quite honestly doesnt have a clue about the deceased and tells you stories about how everyone would relate to Betty’s wonderful sense of humour and kind soul but in reality she was a horrible fucker. 

If the deceased and their family never attend church and haven't given the minister any info on the deceased it's hardly surprising they know nothing about them.

I don't understand why people who never darken a church door want a religious funeral.

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1 hour ago, Jacksgranda said:

If the deceased and their family never attend church and haven't given the minister any info on the deceased it's hardly surprising they know nothing about them.

I don't understand why people who never darken a church door want a religious funeral.

Absolutely, but given my aunt and uncle were regulars in that chapel for 50 years and the priest got their names wrong at both their funerals and the other aunt (the one referred to with the heavy coffin) had been going to that chapel since she was baptised in it (and again the priest knew nothing about her) then I think its pretty poor. 

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1 minute ago, Inanimate Carbon Rod said:

Absolutely, but given my aunt and uncle were regulars in that chapel for 50 years and the priest got their names wrong at both their funerals and the other aunt (the one referred to with the heavy coffin) had been going to that chapel since she was baptised in it (and again the priest knew nothing about her) then I think its pretty poor. 

That's totally unacceptable.

I was at a funeral for a workmate (he was born the year I started work - 1973 - which shows how young he was) and there were 2 ministers officiating (no idea why, his funeral wasn't even in the town where he lived) and the other minister managed to get his wife's name wrong, causing a collective sharp intake of breath from the congregation.

Apropos of the last paragraph, I was at the funeral of my stepdaughter's partner's uncle and I think he had 3 ministers to see him off, but they all seemed to know him. His service was in one church and he was buried at another, bit of a race across country roads getting from one to the other before he was planted.

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3 hours ago, Cosmic Joe said:

When to sit/ stand/ kneel must be a bit confusing for those unfamiliar. I found the same attending non-Catholic funerals. There's that wee intro before hymns, following which everyone manages to stand in unison. Except me. 

It's been mainly humanist funerals of late. I don't mind them, but the celebrant is often equally clueless about the deceased, relying I suppose on the information provided by family, who in fairness are unlikely to have him/ her described as a miserable old c**t*.

 

*Insert Larry David moment. 

The lapse in my practice of Catholicism was discovered by my family when I was at a family funeral, and it turned out they had changed half the words to the prayers and the responses in the 5 years since my previous attendance at Mass.

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1 hour ago, Jacksgranda said:

If the deceased and their family never attend church and haven't given the minister any info on the deceased it's hardly surprising they know nothing about them.

I don't understand why people who never darken a church door want a religious funeral.

When we (me & my sister) organized my mother's I would've been happy to avoid church involvement but my sister wanted it and I reckon my aunties would've been scandalized but going onto my generation only my sis & one cousin attend mass regularly AFAIK so I can see it all becoming a lot less formal.

 

On the misnaming front it happened at my Uncle Tommy's funeral so maybe it's not that uncommon.

 

For myself I'd kinda like a sky burial with Should I Stay or Should I Go played very loud...

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Heard this story a while back about a mother and her teenage son at the funeral of his father (her husband) who had died of a sudden heart attack.

The minister giving the usual spiel about what a good man the deceased was, how generous he was, how much he was liked and respected by the local community, never had harsh word to say about anyone, etc, etc...

Teenage son gives his mother a nudge. "I think we should get out of here, mum" he says "We're obviously at the wrong funeral"

 

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4 minutes ago, topcat(The most tip top) said:

The best funeral I remember was a humanist one conducted by a Roman Catholic priest who’d woken up at the age of 50 and realised that he didn’t believe God didn’t exist

 

He didn't believe God didn't exist? 

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1 hour ago, Mark Connolly said:

The lapse in my practice of Catholicism was discovered by my family when I was at a family funeral, and it turned out they had changed half the words to the prayers and the responses in the 5 years since my previous attendance at Mass.

I was caught when they redid the religious hokey cokey a couple of years ago too. My dad's side are Catholics and I don't believe in the magic man in the sky so I end up in chapels for weddings and funerals only. Nobody mentioned their was a new mass and I was fairly lost!

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4 hours ago, Cosmic Joe said:

When to sit/ stand/ kneel must be a bit confusing for those unfamiliar. I found the same attending non-Catholic funerals. There's that wee intro before hymns, following which everyone manages to stand in unison. Except me. 

It's been mainly humanist funerals of late. I don't mind them, but the celebrant is often equally clueless about the deceased, relying I suppose on the information provided by family, who in fairness are unlikely to have him/ her described as a miserable old c**t*.

 

*Insert Larry David moment. 

The experienced proddie dogs usually stand/sit at the back, our the way and let the Catholics get on with all their up, down, kneel, shake hands, take communion etc

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1 hour ago, Cosmic Joe said:

He didn't believe God didn't exist? 

That would be quite something, for a priest to get to middle-age and realise that that actually believed in God.

Can't see it ever happening, though.

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4 hours ago, BFTD said:

That would be quite something, for a priest to get to middle-age and realise that that actually believed in God.

Can't see it ever happening, though.

Spoiler

Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing.

giphy_s.gif.7939aa61ee6444f0d868803e1c0aebc0.gif

 

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9 hours ago, cb_diamond said:

I was caught when they redid the religious hokey cokey a couple of years ago too. My dad's side are Catholics and I don't believe in the magic man in the sky so I end up in chapels for weddings and funerals only. Nobody mentioned their was a new mass and I was fairly lost!

If you'd just mumbled some vague Latin you might have got away with it.

"Vatican II? When did that happen then?"

Spoiler

Yes, I know some of them stuck with the Latin mass and Papa Razzi let them back in but that would be an ecumenical matter.

 

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For both my crumblies I got a humanist in. Much better. She came round the week before, had a few vino blancos and we regained her with takes of their lives gone by. Eulogies were much more personal and not a hint of the holy shite.

Ive got a visit to the crem next Friday so will report back on how that goes.

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