Funeral shenanigans

[QPStu]

Want any tips for the speech? I'm thinking along the lines of a modified P&B Best Man speech ideas thing.

 

I guess just how to pitch it. The balance between serious and humour.

[KiwiDB]

Afterwards in the pub is the best part of a funeral. Crying has stopped, a plate of sausage rolls and hopefully the first pint is on the deed persons family

 

I've been to a couple of major funerals as an adult, close relatives etc and I must say it's probably 2 of the most drunken nights I've ever had.

 

My old man is on the verge at the moment so will have that funeral soon and I expect it will be much the same.

[AyrshireTon]

Is there a weddings shenanigans thread?

[milton75]

A friend of mine joined the Police and ended up getting murdered by her policeman boyfriend. At the funeral a coachload of cops appeared, much to the disgust of the family and friends. At the church, the police took one side whilst everyone else glowered at them from the other. The Minister said his piece about her, an ex-boyfriend said his piece, then a senior cop stood up to say his piece. But as he stood, there was an outbreak of angry muttering from our side and he looked a bit embarrassed then sat down again. They hung around until the burial then almost ran back onto their bus.

Late to this thread but I'm not understanding the hatred towards the police in this story.

Their friend and colleague has presumably been murdered and it sounds like they wanted to pay respect. Just because they had the same job as the murderer doesn't make them in any way responsible for it.

If your friend had been murdered by a funeral attendee from another funeral would everyone at your friends funeral just have sat around growling at each other?

I was thinking exactly the same. Did you all suspect the police of colluding in the murder or something?

Assuming not, pretty bizarre behaviour.

[Adolfo Rios]

Whilst we were planning my mum's funeral we were surprised that she wanted cremated. (We planned this with her I should add - she was dying with a brain tumour so she wanted to have her say in things.)

Given how much turmeric(we read that this could help and gave it a shot) we had given her in the last years of her life my sister piped up with

"Cremated? You sure? People will think they've elected a new pope when you go up in flames!"

My mum thought it was hilarious.

[eddiemunster]

My brother chapped my granny's coffin as we carried her out the church. He done the classic "chap chap cha-cha chap chap, chap chap".

He was on the side of the coffin away from the mourners, so all I could see as I looked across the top of the lid was his head bobbing up and down laughing.

I had to disguise my giggles as my being overcome with emotion and did so so convincingly my mam was hugging me and saying everything was OK as the hearse left for the cemetery.

[RedRob72]

A guy at work once told me about a funeral he had just attended, where they had met in the pub first and sunk several pints BEFORE the early afternoon service. As the mourners moved from the Church to the Cemetery, they were just about the hear the final eulogy before the old man was lowered into the ground, when one of the funeral party (his grandson iIrc) piped up, "just hang on a minute" ran towards the nearest bushes unzipped his fly and had a long satisfying pish for all to hear!! 😧😧

Whilst the mourners stood staring, opened mouth in shock, the guy had a quick shake, tucked himself in, then shuffled back to the graveside, with a nod and then said 'cheers, sorry about that' !! 😧

[shull]

Funniest Thread I have read in a long time.

Should I be laughing?

[Mortar Bored]

Funniest Thread I have read in a long time.

Should I be laughing?

Saw you had posted, fully expected a story about your pish filled breeks causing the funeral pyre to expire..,

[jagfox]

Funniest Thread I have read in a long time.

Should I be laughing?

If you don't laugh...

[The Equalizer]

Having spent the past few days organising a funeral for a close family member, I have been amazed at the shit people come out with.

 

"It's what he/she would have wanted" relating to anything that gets decided, people the deceased hadn't met for 20+ years seem to know "what they would have wanted" - Utter nonsense.

 

"They are at rest now" - yup, because they are dead, they are most likely "at rest"

 

"they are in a better place" - What? In a box in the ground instead of with their family? - f**k right off

 

"At least they are not in pain" - Again, that's right because they are dead.

 

I'm sure the P&B faithful have their own stories or mental chat surrounding this kind of activity.

 

Have you dropped a coffin?

 

Fallen in a grave mid burial?

 

Pumped anyone at a funeral?

 

Funeral fist fights?

 

 

Whenever someone tells me "Aye they'll be up there looking doon oan us aw" I make sure to put on a show when masturbating.

[The Equalizer]

Chuck in some Empire biscuits and it's a deal.

 

 

 

Sorry for your loss and all that.

AHM NO WANTIN' AN EMPIRE BISCUIT YA DAFT AULD COW!!! AHM WANTIN A SNOWBALL!!

[Scary Bear]

On 03/05/2016 at 22:50, Parkgatequeens said:

Never been to a funeral and never would. Making sure I have no insurance in place for my own, couldn't give a flying f**k.

I came on here looking for funeral topics. I saw the post above. I have a friend who recently died. He had suffered from heroin addiction for a number of years. His mum and dad died a few years ago and he has no brothers or sisters. We (his friends from back in the day - I last saw him on Boxing Day 2016 when he had briefly cleaned up) are a bit concerned that he’ll end up needing a paupers funeral arranged by the council as a last resort. Not much laughs to be had there. Has anyone else experienced this before? I had a look on the Fife Council website and basically if you get divorced or are a VL with not much family, then there’s a chance of being in this position unless you arrange your own funeral beforehand.

On 04/05/2016 at 19:47, Mark Connolly said:

 

Without wanting to sound insensitive, it is an utter disgrace to offer anything other than steak pie at a funeral.

 

My dad actually has it written into his will that steak pie must be served at his!

Steak pie is rare these days. Last time I had a three-courser was at my Grandpa’s funeral.

On 06/05/2016 at 14:56, thisGRAEME said:

 

I was reliably assured by my pal that this was a sectarian divide, and weirdly, I've never found anything to the contrary in the half dozen funerals I've been to. Prods have soup, sandwiches and sausage rolls, catholics have steak pie.

Your old man is plainly sound either way, but. I'd be skimping on the coffin in lieu of better scran for sure.

My Grandpa was a prod and a mason. My uncle was a Rangers fan and a mason. We had steak pie at both their funerals. It’s obviously cheaper to do sandwiches and sausage rolls. Maybe the wartime generation were just more generous and the current lot of Boomers and  Generation X are cheap b*****ds.

[BFTD]

As an almost-divorced VL with not much family, hopefully I'll end up in that position. I've only got the wean to convince that nothing's to be spent disposing of my carcass, and he seems down with the idea.

I can see why funerals would be important to a person's family, but it amazes me that anyone still gives a damn what happens to their own corpse. The chances of you needing it again are very small.

[tamthebam]

2 minutes ago, BFTD said:

As an almost-divorced VL with not much family, hopefully I'll end up in that position. I've only got the wean to convince that nothing's to be spent disposing of my carcass, and he seems down with the idea.

I can see why funerals would be important to a person's family, but it amazes me that anyone still gives a damn what happens to their own corpse. The chances of you needing it again are very small.

I wonder how much it costs to hire those Nation of Islam looking guys you see carrying the coffin in that meme.

Four of those dudes sashaying into Mortonhall with my box would be fun.

[Sergeant Wilson]

6 minutes ago, tamthebam said:

I wonder how much it costs to hire those Nation of Islam looking guys you see carrying the coffin in that meme.

Four of those dudes sashaying into Mortonhall with my box would be fun.

I couldn't agree more.

[BFTD]

10 minutes ago, tamthebam said:

I wonder how much it costs to hire those Nation of Islam looking guys you see carrying the coffin in that meme.

Four of those dudes sashaying into Mortonhall with my box would be fun.

Probably free if you join the NoI before you croak.

Not sure if you have to pay subs with those lads, though.

[Shandon Par]

49 minutes ago, tamthebam said:

I wonder how much it costs to hire those Nation of Islam looking guys you see carrying the coffin in that meme.

Four of those dudes sashaying into Mortonhall with my box would be fun.

 

42 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

I couldn't agree more.

You’d need more than four.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Anybody have to carry a coffin? I had to carry the mother in law's about 20 year back (not on my own mind). She was a dainty women but it still weighed  fucking tonne.  

#ripbabs

[Left Back]

4 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Anybody have to carry a coffin? I had to carry the mother in law's about 20 year back (not on my own mind). She was a dainty women but it still weighed  fucking tonne.  

#ripbabs

Carried a coffin once.  Also been a rope bearer or whatever it’s called a couple of times to lower coffins into the grave.  Preferred carrying the coffin tbh.