Jump to content

Funeral shenanigans


Recommended Posts

I once thought I was gonna get a beating after a funeral.

It was my old girlfriends grandma's funeral. We'd gone round to the ex's mum's the night before to sort a couple of bits out and ended up having a few beers. I was a bit bored while they were telling stories of the old hag so passed the time getting stuck into a bottle of whisky.

I was rough as f**k at the church the following morning and struggling just sitting down. The service appeared to be drawing to a close and all I could think of was having a glass of water in the pub once it's done to try and ease my pain.

I was just awaiting 'My Way' or something similar to belt out then we could go but the vicar asked us to stand to sing another hymn. The second he said it without thinking I muttered a little too loudly "oh for fucks sake" followed by a massive sigh. Pretty much everyone on the two rows in front of me turned round and glared at me. I was quite ashamed and mimed my way through what felt like a 25 minute hymn then we got to leave.

Once we got outside the church my ex's mum's fella advised me to 'stay the f**k away' from the burial plot.

I happily would have done but I wasn't sure how it'd go down with the girlfriend so I went but just lingered well away from the casket and even further away from the pissed off step dad.

I skulked about at the wake for around half an hour afterwards just chatting to the old dears there as I assumed I'd be safe near them and no harm could come to me being in their presence.

I escaped unscathed but I never did see the girlfriends parents again after it. We broke up a couple of weeks later.

 

 

Stay classy Nick.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At a friends funeral at Links Park a few years ago, Gangnam Style was blasting through the tannoy, and we had a massive game of World Cuppy on the pitch before it. A strange day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was at a funeral about 10 years ago and the brother of the deceased turned up to the crematorium pished, wearing a bloodstained Adidas track suit and then proceeded to try and have a fist fight with the widow. He was swiftly dragged outside, shouting obscenities as he went, utterly bizarre.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was at a funeral about 10 years ago and the brother of the deceased turned up to the crematorium pished, wearing a bloodstained Adidas track suit and then proceeded to try and have a fist fight with the widow. He was swiftly dragged outside, shouting obscenities as he went, utterly bizarre.

Seems to have sorted himself out though, 39 goals for Celtic this season.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was at the funeral of an old boy who was involved in the folk singing fraternity around the pubs in Edinburgh. Crematorium was mobbed. He arrived at the cremation in one of those cardboard coffins that was printed with loads of family photos on it. The ceremony was of the humanist variety. All the songs played during the ceremony were recordings of him singing. At the wake afterwards, random people would take it in turns to make a little speech about the deceased then they would each sing a little song in tribute.

It seemed a little bizarre at times but as funerals go it was a pretty amazing day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been to, by my count, 6 funerals. None of them have involved shennanigans of note but at least 2 of them were what I'd call very sad.

When my grandad died it was February. Heavy snow in Moray about then and there was a power cut and we ended up having hot dogs for tea cooked on a camping stove by candle-light. And my dad's and my uncle's car batteries both chucked it meaning they had to go to Halfords about two hours before the service.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Think I posted elsewhere before but fek it.. My mum's cousin was an extra in an episode of Taggart. They were filming a funeral scene and the lowering the coffin into the grave didn't look right as it was too light and just bobbing about. He ended up in the coffin to help give it some weight. Unfortunately it was just a balsa wood prop and exploded in a shower of splinters as he was being lowered into the grave. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I remember at the funeral of a relative it was a nice day for it being mid winter at the graveyard and then after burial we we went to a hotel for lunch and by the time we got there it had started raining. My mother then came out with "I think someone was in the sky looking out for us" to comfort the daughter of the deceased. Definitely a funeral cliche.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funeral of Ex father-in-law (Ex in the sense I now no longer married and at that point also in that he was dead).

 

As he had only daughters I had to take the number one cord at the top of the coffin for dropping him in the hole, this was after the farce of the hearse breaking down at the gates of the cemetery and the coffin having to be lugged about 200metres across to the hole. Have I mentioned he weighted about 30stone and this exercise in carrying him nearly dead for half the pallbearers and it could have been a mass grave at one point.

 

So coffin over hole. Strain taken on all the cords, wooden batons removed and the coffin starts its journey down. Knot in cord catches on finger, all other cords still be lowered. I free the knot and the cord slips. Now a nylon cord slipping through your hand with all that weight at the end will not cause a rope burn. It will remove part of your finger to a depth of a centimetre. As all leaving the cemetery I looked like the most sensitive son-in-law and husband to my grieving then wife as the mourners filed past. I was crying because half my index finger remained attached to the cord in the ground and my hand was pissing blood.

 

 

The next funeral I went to was one of her uncles, and this guy made her Dad look small, in the 35-40 stone range. Muggins gets a cord again, but the funeral director appears ready for anything and instead of the usual 6 - 8 cords on a coffin there are 10. One top, one bottom and 4 down each side.

The coffin farce before the graveside this time was that the church was up about 30 steep steps, Thank god I wasn't carrying the fat b*****d.

 

Graveside. Take the strain on the cords. Wooden batons removed. And the lowering begins. TWANG - A cord snaps, then another, then the one I am holding.

I continue to lower the cord even though it ain't attached, it would look good, although I can start to see my sister-in-law laughing as she has clocked what is happening. Two more cords go and thump the coffin falls, but not flat in the bottom, as all the cords have broken at one end it swung in and the feet end is about 2 feet from the bottom. After much encouragement pulling on the remaining cords and trying to move it a gentleman from the funeral directors has to jump in the hole and bump the coffin along till it lay flat.

 

I fully endorse the cremation process.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pre funeral story.

Friend of mine died and the undertaker sent the body of a woman who had died from a street away to his parents house.

His body was sent to the woman's house.

 

Did people see the funny side?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From another thread

My flatmate was at a funeral at a crematorium a few years back, of his dad's childhood friend in Hull.  The final song was the YMCA, which had the entire procession up doing the dance as the coffin went to the incinerator.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...