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Funeral shenanigans


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Having spent the past few days organising a funeral for a close family member, I have been amazed at the shit people come out with.

 

"It's what he/she would have wanted" relating to anything that gets decided, people the deceased hadn't met for 20+ years seem to know "what they would have wanted" - Utter nonsense.

 

"They are at rest now" - yup, because they are dead, they are most likely "at rest"

 

"they are in a better place" - What? In a box in the ground instead of with their family? - f**k right off

 

"At least they are not in pain" - Again, that's right because they are dead.

 

I'm sure the P&B faithful have their own stories or mental chat surrounding this kind of activity.

 

Have you dropped a coffin?

 

Fallen in a grave mid burial?

 

Pumped anyone at a funeral?

 

Funeral fist fights?

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The last funeral I went to featured Unforgettable by Perry Como as one of the songs played. I found this a bit insensitive, since the deceased left behind a wife of 50+ years whose increasingly severe dementia meant she didn't know where she was at the time.

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Funeral and any gathering based sausage rolls are always such a major dissapointment , they always have such a ridiculous sausage and pastry ratio

 

We are having soup then chicken supreme or steak pie, then tea and cakes.

 

None of your sausage roll pish.

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Actually that wasn't the last funeral I went to.

The last funeral I went to was around the time that I discovered Granny Sanchez "is" catholic. When I asked Maw Sanchez why I had been unaware of this for twenty-odd years, I got the snappy reply of "because your granny married a protestant." What a country.

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We are having soup then chicken supreme or steak pie, then tea and cakes.

 

None of your sausage roll pish.

Good choice Romeo , sandwiches are all good and fun untill they start going all the hard crusty way aswell so the key if their are sandwiches is not to over do them

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Actually that wasn't the last funeral I went to.The last funeral I went to was around the time that I discovered Granny Sanchez "is" catholic. When I asked Maw Sanchez why I had been unaware of this for twenty-odd years, I got the snappy reply of "because your granny married a protestant." What a country.

Something about us proddy boys that catholic girls just can't resist

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Afterwards in the pub is the best part of a funeral. Crying has stopped, a plate of sausage rolls and hopefully the first pint is on the deed persons family

Make sure you get the suit off the corpse before he's burnt.

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Was at the funeral of my gran when suddenly I'm informed I'm helping lift the coffin.

The guy opposite me is my great uncle who is quite a bit smaller than me.

I'm trying to walk and to compensate for the height difference bend my knees at the same time. Not easy.

My cousin informed me I looked ridiculous and it took all his willpower to not laugh.

At a funeral of some relative of the wife and we are all in a hotel afterwards for the wake and the drink is flowing.

We are sat at a table and directly opposite me is a lady who is is wearing a skirt a little on the short side.

She certainly isn't hiding her legs and I'm having a couple of beers whilst listening to the chat when she goes to go to the toilet. As she gets up she has her legs open a fair bit and I get a flash of some very sexy lingerie.

I'm positive she meant it too the cougar

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I once thought I was gonna get a beating after a funeral.

It was my old girlfriends grandma's funeral. We'd gone round to the ex's mum's the night before to sort a couple of bits out and ended up having a few beers. I was a bit bored while they were telling stories of the old hag so passed the time getting stuck into a bottle of whisky.

I was rough as f**k at the church the following morning and struggling just sitting down. The service appeared to be drawing to a close and all I could think of was having a glass of water in the pub once it's done to try and ease my pain.

I was just awaiting 'My Way' or something similar to belt out then we could go but the vicar asked us to stand to sing another hymn. The second he said it without thinking I muttered a little too loudly "oh for fucks sake" followed by a massive sigh. Pretty much everyone on the two rows in front of me turned round and glared at me. I was quite ashamed and mimed my way through what felt like a 25 minute hymn then we got to leave.

Once we got outside the church my ex's mum's fella advised me to 'stay the f**k away' from the burial plot.

I happily would have done but I wasn't sure how it'd go down with the girlfriend so I went but just lingered well away from the casket and even further away from the pissed off step dad.

I skulked about at the wake for around half an hour afterwards just chatting to the old dears there as I assumed I'd be safe near them and no harm could come to me being in their presence.

I escaped unscathed but I never did see the girlfriends parents again after it. We broke up a couple of weeks later.

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