Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Once I walked into the toilets in my office, popped into the first cubicle only to be greeted with a huge grey jobby dominating the entire toilet bowl. this thing was easily the thickness of a 2L bottle of juice, I had no idea how long as only a section was visible, it disappeared into the ubend without even hinting at tapering to an end. The section on display was clearly breaching the water by a good six inches and looked at me in a rather menacing fashion. I stood transfixed for some time before snapping out of it and deciding this wonder had to be shared with my colleagues, I ran out into the office and grabbed a few of the boys I was mates with and guided them into its lair. Before I knew it word of what had now been dubbed "The Abbey House Monster" had spread throughout the floor and every guy was now queuing to get in to meet the beast. It got to a point the managers where going tonto as the whole office had now been disrupted, if folk weren't queuing to see it, they were discussing it and just generally arsing about. Eventually the head of the department got involved and started ordering guys from the office to go in and dispose of it, however everyone refused. "im no going anywhere near that thing". Facilities had to get involved and some poor guy in blue overalls armed with a wire coat hanger was sent in to face the beast. He never came out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D.A.F.C Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Occasionally somebody manages to send something to the plotter rather than the A4 printer as intended. When you hear the thing warming up, the excitement of guessing if it's someone's fcuk up is simply exhilarating. Eta: Sometimes the CEO would walk past my desk en route to somebody else's room. It was like the Queen had just walked past, just 6'5, scary and bald. Oh, and Tuesdays at 11. Sometimes it'll go off at 10:55 and everyone will awkwardly look at each other. Has any office ever got out of their seats within 30 secs of a non-scheduled alarm btw? Reminds me of the time I sent a fax down a phoneline. It was the right number dialled but old. You could hear some angry Chinese guy shouting stuff. Told the boss and then we did it again. It's funny when a senior manager comes down and everyone changes. Sign of a bad workplace IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I'm still in tears at JamieT's post. Fucking amazing. I've had shedloads of office jobs, which have ranged from utterly uneventful to ridiculous. The first one wasn't a job as such, it was a work experience thing Dundee Chamber of Commerce ran for some pishy Business Admin qualification for a year, generally aimed at schemies who had nothing better to do, or Uni students who weren't allowed to get a grant to "study" another course they never turned up for, and spent in the pub/local snooker hall . It was quite a laugh, indeed I ended up rattling a couple of the only remotely decent birds on it, one of whom was nuts and probably ended up dating Deefiant (crazy exs thread). The undoubted highlight however was when one of the new starts decided to impress everyone by sneaking into the "kitchen" area and pishing in the tea urn. Needless to say the course head was absolutely fucking furious and went mental at him, though incredibly he didn't get booted off. I also worked for a guy called Frank Esposito, who ran a few cafes around Dundee (and no doubt some more nefarious sidelines). He was a massive United fan and had a regular exec box at Tannadice I believe. He was quite a character though, drove about in a shite B reg Porsche, spent some significant time in the local nightclubs and had a ridiculous stunning 20 year old law student bird. Not bad for a guy in his 40s. Our manager (his lackey) however was a simpering c**t. He'd follow Frank around with his head bowed sucking up to him in truly toe-curling fashion. He ran the office for a couple of week when Frank was on holiday, and obviously loved it, cancelling everyone's annual leave, because he could and generally being a dick. Mine was cancelled the day before I was heading off for a week, so I simply took the week off sick and phoned in saying I had "hayfever". When I got back after a week of glorious sunshine with an obvious tan, I was called in and punted forthwith. I saw the sad fucker three years later, he's bought the shitey Porsche and appeared to have invested in the shiniest suit known to man. I should also mentioned that this guy was ginger, camp and perma-fake-tanned. My other office jobs were mostly uneventful, though similarly to everyone else, we had a phantom shiter when I worked in one of my early Council jobs. One of the clerical assistants up the stairs didn't get on with anyone from the day she started and had a (visibly) awful diet. The ladies toilets also started getting blocked regularly around the same time. Every time they were blocked, we'd have to phone the plumber to deal with whatever monstrosity she'd left behind. The poor fucker. He was a surprisingly cheery soul considering what he was up against, the toleys of a large, greasy woman who ate McDonald's for breakfast and lunch almost every day. At the time I'd been punted into reception after an office move so I'd sign the guy in, joke about his 3rd call out of the week, and give him my condolences when he signed out. One day though, he looked pretty pale on his way out. The clarty bitch had not only blocked the toilet with an absolutely massive Richard, she'd also left a blood-soaked clunge sponge on top of it I've rarely seen a plumber visibly disgusted before, but he eventually saw the funny side, as did I when he pulled out his mobile phone to show me the photo he'd taken of it. "Look at that" he said, "Fuckin look at that". To make matters worse, he'd had the flash switched on, which gave the giant shite an even shinier "wet look". It was tremendous, as well as utterly repulsive. Thankfully this was just after 5pm as I couldn't have coped with a phone call or a customer. My jaw was sore and I was literally crying with laughter. The icing on the cake was that her Line Manager had to talk to her about it, due to the sheer volume of complaints about the toilet nonsense and her general hygiene. Poor b*****d, that conversation must have been brutal. Oh, our fire alarm test is 10:30am on Thursdays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 10 o'clock on a Thursday. The person whose job it is sends an email at half past nine telling everybody that the fire alarm is being tested and there is no need to vacate the building. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoid android Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Half eight on a Tuesday morning - the only folk in the building at the time are the two guys that are doing the test. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Sorry, told you a brief anecdote and missed the most important thing. 9am on Monday. It serves as a timely reminder that the week of misery is in full swing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 There's a woman at work who is called Thrush behind her back, because she's an irritating c**t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosser-fae-the-shire Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 There's a woman at work who is called Thrush behind her back, because she's an irritating c**t. Also worked beside a woman with that nickname. 3.00 on a Tuesday afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I used to work beside an 'Olympic Flame'. She never went out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mizfit Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Tuesday at 10. My office is massive (circa 300 people in the department) so there is all the usual politics and cliques. Speaking of which, does your floor also have a phantom shitter? Seems to happen once a year on ours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edinpar Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 We're meant to be getting a pool table in our office soon. Exciting times. We had a charity day a while ago when the staff were encouraged to dress up as film and TV characters, and as luck would have it the tidiest girl in the office came in dressed up as Poison Ivy from Batman. A glorious day indeed. We're meant to be getting a pool table in our office soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
die hard doonhamer Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Speaking of which, does your floor also have a phantom shitter? Seems to happen once a year on ours. Not that I'm aware of. There are always complaints about the general state they are left in, but no phantom shites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Central Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 We only have two male cubicles on our floor, 1 usually occupied by a guy in my office who sleeps in there in between fag breaks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamdunk Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 10 on Thursday, someone shat in the bin in the toilet once. Also a fat lad broke the arm off his seat and fell on the floor once. Me & my mate were pishing ourselves, everyone else took it very serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 We're meant to be getting a pool table in our office soon. Exciting times. We had a charity day a while ago when the staff were encouraged to dress up as film and TV characters, and as luck would have it the tidiest girl in the office came in dressed up as Poison Ivy from Batman. A glorious day indeed. We're meant to be getting a pool table in our office soon. So exciting you've mentioned it twice aye? We've got a table tennis table outside of our office. It's useless for ten months of the year basically, but as soon as the sun is out and there's no wind every man and his dug is out to get a shot. We're moving into a brand new office in the city centre in the next few months, which will be brilliant as where I'm currently based is half way between town and Finnieston, so the only places we have for lunch is a burger van and a shop that has never got anything decent to eat. 10am on a Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 We are about to replace the carpet in the office with carpet tiles. Pretty radical yeah? Also we've not had a fire drill in 20 years. We've also not had a fire in 20 years. I don't remember ever having a fire drill in any of the offices I worked in. That's 43 years.* We did get evacuated once because of a bomb scare. *There might have been one when I worked in the Midland Building in Belfast, and that would have been in the last 10 years, so G D wins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 I don't remember ever hing a fire drl in ny of the offices I worke din. That's 43 years Some of your keyboard appears to have had a 6-monthly full evacuation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTChris Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 My old work had a table tennis table and when they started sponsoring a famous world-class Scottish tennis player, they had a tournament to get the chance to play him. In the video of the final match you can hear my mate shouting "target his backhand!" to the winner. Office banter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BallochSonsFan Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 The facilities manager at my last office used to stand at a stairwell (chosen randomly on the morning of the fire drill) with a cardboard sign that said "I'm a fire". She took it particularly poorly when people ignored her pretending to be a fire and used that stairwell to evacuate the office, walking past her deadly flames. She also cancelled a bomb drill because she hid a fake bomb - a printer paper box covered in paper and with the word "bomb" written on it - because nobody had found it and reported it 3 weeks after she hid the thing in anticipation of the drill. Wednesday morning 9:45 at my old office. This one seems to be as and when they remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Some of your keyboard appears to have had a 6-monthly full evacuation. I was hoping the edit would have got done before anybody could quote that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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