Neighbours you don't like

[Hillonearth]

My neighbour hums.

Re the OP - nip it in the bud - they might just be trying to enlarge their social circle, but there's nothing worse than those self appointed neighbourhood organisers.

Lassie in my work moved into a new area a while back, and some wee old guy turned up at her door announcing himself as "chief resident" and more or less telling her how she was going to live her life now she'd moved in near him. She pretty much told him to f**k off - once she got to know some of the other neighbours, it turned out he'd pulled the same stunt on them too.

[Jacksgranda]

My neighbour hums. It's the same fucking 5 second tune all the time as well, and I think he can repeat it for anything up to half an hour.

From the limited times I've spoken to him I don't think he's the full shilling so I'm not even sure he knows he's doing it.

Plus he laughs out loud at his TV as well and he's got one of those annoying machine gun laughs. Only ever bothers me if I'm trying to get an early night or have a lie in at the weekend.

Still, on the rare occasions I get my hole he probably has to hear that so it might even itself out.

If you're getting your hole and he starts to laugh...

[Jacksgranda]

The old wifey in the flat opposite me does a very similar thing. I can often hear her explaining to the postie that I'm not in and she will just sign for me. It used to bother me but now I reckon she's lonely and likes finding a reason to have have a chat when I go to pick it up.

Bit of a tangent here but does anyone get annoyed if neighbours leave there bins out? Every week when I arrive home from work I have a note stuck to my door asking me to bring my bins in. Strange behaviour as the bins are very much out the way of everything, causes no hassle at all. Same neighbour as above.

I leave the bins out, and our neighbours bring them in - every week practically without fail. They must sit looking out the window for the bin lorry coming, and it barely has time to get round the corner before they're out the door to get the bins. They don't bring them into the backyard, just leave them at our gate.

If for some reason they're not in when the bins are emptied, I'll bring them in and theirs, but that doesn't happen too often.

[Fuctifano]

If you're getting your hole and he starts to laugh...

It's not him laughing I worry about at that point.

[Dindeleux]

There isn't a residents association at the moment, and in the nearly 10 years I've lived here, we've never had or needed one. Taking people's mail from where they have collected it for years is mental as well.

Of course they have also gone out for the evening, with my parcel in their house. Utter c***s.

Problem resolved - when they come back and give you your parcel just make out like you have some kind of important job and ask them if they see any parcels for you just leave them in the close. Use tonight as an example as to when them being kind enough to collect your parcels doesn't really work for you. Let them know you appreciate it but in a "Thanks but no thanks" kind of way.

You should also look to end this conversation with something along the lines of "If I don't get my parcels straight away then their is potential that someone in Jordan (or somewhere) may die/epidemic will break out/nuclear war" etc. This will add a bit of mystique to you and may well get you treated with some added respect from this new couple.

The above two paragraphs are possibly the best advice anyone has ever had on Pie and Bovril.

[Mark Connolly]

Problem resolved - when they come back and give you your parcel just make out like you have some kind of important job and ask them if they see any parcels for you just leave them in the close. Use tonight as an example as to when them being kind enough to collect your parcels doesn't really work for you. Let them know you appreciate it but in a "Thanks but no thanks" kind of way.

You should also look to end this conversation with something along the lines of "If I don't get my parcels straight away then their is potential that someone in Jordan (or somewhere) may die/epidemic will break out/nuclear war" etc. This will add a bit of mystique to you and may well get you treated with some added respect from this new couple.

The above two paragraphs are possibly the best advice anyone has ever had on Pie and Bovril.

TBH, they might get the message when the puppy inside the box pishes all over their floor.

[Greenlantern]

I fortunately don't share a communal area with strangers.

But Mark, here's how to handle this, if indeed you no longer wish for retirement fuddys handling your goods.

Thank them for looking after your purchases, and that you're happy they've discreetly taken hold of your expensive Peruvian snow for safe keeping, rather than anyone else in the building.

Then explain to them that you have some fragile explosive devices being delivered that, in the wrong careless hands, could potentially be life threatening.

Then sit back and watch their confused and anxiety riddled faces sink back into their apartment, never to accept your new amazon box sets ever again.

[Dindeleux]

I fortunately don't share a communal area with strangers.

But Mark, here's how to handle this, if indeed you no longer wish for retirement fuddys handling your goods.

Thank them for looking after your purchases, and that you're happy they've discreetly taken hold of your expensive Peruvian snow for safe keeping, rather than anyone else in the building.

Then explain to them that you have some fragile explosive devices being delivered that, in the wrong careless hands, could potentially be life threatening.

Then sit back and watch their confused and anxiety riddled faces sink back into their apartment, never to accept your new amazon box sets ever again.

Celtic fan in loving explosives/IRA shocker.

[Greenlantern]

Celtic fan in loving explosives/IRA shocker.

Yes, that's exactly what it is dolls head.

[Dindeleux]

Yes, that's exactly what it is dolls head.

No need to be furious.

[Greenlantern]

No need to be furious.

BOOM!

[Nkomo-A-Gogo]

There is group across the road from me came to the door with a petition to prevent a cycle path being added to the road outside our houses meaning they cant park outside their houses. I wouldnt sign the thing for them and they stood freezing cold telling me id regret it and to think of my son.

The cyclists will be going up and down regardless as its a main route into town and if the street was clear of cars (everyone of the houses across from me has a drive that fits two cars) then kids would be seen more easily.

I took great pleasure in not signing the crap but now the council are narrowing the road and putting a cycle path in that can still be parked on.

[Newbornbairn]

Go and catch Grumswald's moose, dip it in petrol and light it before posting it through their letter box.

Works every time.

[philpy]

We've got lazy fat b*****d family across the corner that no-one at all likes. He parks his works van at an angle right in the corner so he is close to his front gate as possible, and his wife parks her car next to him at the same angle, which leaves less room for other people to get parked. Despite repeated requests from myself and other neighbours to have a bit of courtesy and common sense and park straight, he just parks the same way everyday, claiming that parking like that is the only way he'll get a space and be able to get out.

[Aberdeen-Warrior]

Our upstairs neighbour is just horrendous. When there was an issue with the communal lights she wouldn't answer her buzzer or door. She gets her grandchild in and it's like a hoard of elephants and it's just the one child that runs riot up there. She turns the communal lighting off...which is wired to her distribution board even though all other residents have offered her money and leaves us to climb the stairs in the pitch black.

[throbber]

The flat upstairs from me are constantly dragging furniture around, its quite bizarre and i really want to know why they're doing it so often.

The people in the flat across from me i don't like because a guy that was staying there (don't think he is a permanent resident) was rude to me in the lift.

[Deefiant]

I had the worst neighbour going at my last place.

Started out well enough, she's 82, widowed and doesn't keep very well and knows some people in my family so obviously introduced ourselves and got on OK.

I did shopping for her in the snow, she'd often bake cakes and quiches and hand us them - everything was good.

Until my across the road neighbour got a new drive. He always had a drive where he would park his car and his son his motorbike with no problems, parking was an absolute premium with it being a 2 lane road with cars all parked down one (my) side. He got his new monoblock drive in and I'll admit it looks good. Unfortunately he won't park on the fucking thing.

Bedlam would follow. My next door neighbour always had a drive but being an old widow it wasn't used and was actually filled with planters and pots. Due to the lack of parking we would sometimes park in front of her drive if nothing else was available.

She got it into her head that we were doing this to wind her up I think. My wife often had 4 kids in the car so obviously parking as close to the house as possible was ideal with shopping and kids to get out. She went tits at my Mrs one day, effing and blinding in front of the kids and generally being a heads gone.

My wife laughed it off and thought nothing of it. The police came later - she has called them out to advise we were illegally parking - they explained to her that we weren't which obviously enraged her and she said my wife had been abusive.

Thankfully my other neighbour has seen the whole thing so quickly sorted.

What followed was years of grievances, the worst of which being when environmental health chapped my door citing food waste being dumped in my garden and attracting vermin.

That was a lot of shite so I took them out and, sure enough in the back corner of my garden, behind the shed, was a not insignificant pile of rotten food....

The old bint had been chucking stuff over to build a case for herself! To be fair the guy believed me and I quickly tidied it up and that was it. Got a camera out the back and caught her doing it almost every night - obviously kept it going for a couple of weeks then showed her the video and said if you do it again I'll get the polis.

I then caught her out at my cars taking note of the tax discs (which were out of date) - being a lazy fucker I'd just not taken them down when the law changed - they were of course taxed but she wasn't to know that - I presume she reported me for that as well as a month or so later there were a few cars in the street clamped with the no road tax stickers plastered all over them - not mine though

I've moved out but I rent the place out now - she sent me a letter through the door when she found out my plan and said if I moved any ethnics, benefits scroungers or scum in she would report me and that I had better think hard about who I put in there. Obviously she got short shrift but I'm kind of gutted that I've got a nice couple in there now

[The Minertaur]

My neighours are interesting. On one side I have a rather strange family. One sits playing guitar hero all day everyday with the windows open and the music blaring, while his Dad is downstairs having a fight over the phone with his ex. Through the wall we could literally hear him screaming "YOU'RE A F**KING WHOOORE" repeatedly Don't even know his name and have steered well clear.

On the other side we have a nice couple who have let us borrow gardening tools (just bought our first house and we've no shed for gardening stuff). The only complaint - for some reason he thinks my name is Graham. It's been 8 months now and I have no idea how to correct him now without looking like a complete moron.

[Sweet Pete]

My next door neighbours have lived there about 6 months, a young studenty couple of about 21. He's a massive nerd who collects pokemon and shit like that and she's got some sick desperate need in her life. For example, she'd met my wife a handful of times when she decided that they were to be firm friends, started telling my two year old son that she loves him and buying him gifts all the time. Seems harmless enough you might think, though perhaps on the forward side, she's maybe just trying a bit too hard to make friends. But you'd be wrong. She's started listening for us coming and going and appearing at her door to welcome us, stop us to chat etc, she's started copying my wife's illnesses, like if she has a sore back, this lassie announces she too has a sore back, or a cold, or a stubbed toe, or whatever. She knows fine what time the boy gets his afternoon nap and when he goes to bed at night, she also knows that her chapping our door sets the dug off barking and wakes the kid during these times, yet she continually does it. Daily. Waits until a time she knows he's asleep and then chaps the door for no fucking reason and says something like "wasn't sure if he'd be asleep, wanted to stop by for a coffee, or to play with him or whatever shite she's thought up". I'm convinced, utterly convinced, that she will try and steal my son, or murder my wife and take her place, or murder me in some twisted plot. I just keep thinking of Hush, or Single White Female or The Hand That Rocks The Cradle etc when she's around. I even called her a cuckoo the other day, but she didn't get the meaning. My wife was trying to get her to leave the other afternoon and said she was putting the wee man down for a nap and as she was tired she would go for a nap too, assuming that the lassie would take the hint and f**k off, but instead, to her utter astonishment, the lassie announced she would just "come for a nap with you two"! She must be stopped. The fucking psycho.

[Deeboy]

Sweet Pete wins.