Death Defying Tales of Woe

[IainMorton]

The secondary school I went to was at the top of a hill and I stayed at the bottom of it. About 100 yards up the hill there is a main road that used to have a lollipop woman to help the kids across before they put in traffic lights.

I was late for school one morning (was about 13/14 at the time) so I started running up the hill. I noticed the lollipop woman out in the road so thought I would keep running. Stepped out onto the road and all I heard was a car screeching to a halt, some idiot was obviously in a hurry as he thought he would ignore the woman in the yellow jacket in the middle of the road helping kids across. He stopped about 2 yards away from me, and to this day I always think if I was a second later, or him a second earlier, I wouldn't be here to tell this story. The car must have been going some speed too cos the tyre skid marks were on the road for days afterwards.

[stawner upper]

How long did your own skid marks hang about?

[gavin_3110]

Whilst at high school I was informed of this strange practice known as an "asphyxiwank".

I got home and decided I'd give this a try, stripped off, stuck my school tie round my neck and onto the door handle of my wardrobe and off I went.

Just as I was getting into it I suddenly became aware of an act of folly on my part when choosing which kind of knot to tie, I was a boy scout with all my knot tying badges yet i'd inadvertently snared myself. My legs had gone weak and I started thrashing around, I was saved only by the wardrobe toppling over on top of me.

This alerted my mother who came upstairs and found me naked, purple faced with her Freeman's catalogue open at the lingerie pages and a copy of Max Power magazine. If my father had fixed my wardrobe to the wall correctly I wouldn't be here to tell this tale.

[Adam]

Whilst at high school I was informed of this strange practice known as an "asphyxiwank".

I got home and decided I'd give this a try, stripped off, stuck my school tie round my neck and onto the door handle of my wardrobe and off I went.

Just as I was getting into it I suddenly became aware of an act of folly on my part when choosing which kind of knot to tie, I was a boy scout with all my knot tying badges yet i'd inadvertently snared myself. My legs had gone weak and I started thrashing around, I was saved only by the wardrobe toppling over on top of me.

This alerted my mother who came upstairs and found me naked, purple faced with her Freeman's catalogue open at the lingerie pages and a copy of Max Power magazine. If my father had fixed my wardrobe to the wall correctly I wouldn't be here to tell this tale.

Outstanding! Genuinely hope you're not talking shite.

[Waspy]

Whilst passing a multi-storey car park in Falkirk a car crashed through the wall of the building sending falling masonry crashing to the ground, missing me by a bawhair.

I was also involved in a bus crash whilst on holiday in Malta. The brakes on the bus had failed.

[Cardinal Richelieu]

This alerted my mother who came upstairs and found me naked, purple faced with her Freeman's catalogue open at the lingerie pages and a copy of Max Power magazine. If my father had fixed my wardrobe to the wall correctly I wouldn't be here to tell this tale.

Bravo. I'd have probably preferred the latter option tbh!

[Zetterlund]

Another road accident story. When I was 19, I was knocked off my motorbike on the way to work in Dundee when a taxi pulled out from a side street as I was passing and hit me side-on. I went sliding and cartwheeling along the road, already shitting it that I'd get run over too as it was in rush hour traffic. I had open fractures of my tibia & fibula and a fractured femur, so when I came to a stop it looked like my leg had 3 knees. My shin bone was sticking through my jeans and I remember just repeating to the people who had started to gather round "my leg is totally fucked".

As horrible as it was, it didn't nearly kill me, but I did nearly die in hospital from some kind of embolism a couple of days later. I remember being halfway through placing my lunch order then suddenly feeling extremely high and giddy, then next thing I knew I woke up a few hours later with all my family there as they'd been called to say I had taken a turn and was in a bad way. I had no idea what happened and wasn't aware of anything other than a few missing hours.

On the plus side,, I had some excellent scars to show for it and the young ladies in the nightclubs were often impressed to hear of the shark attack I had survived.

[philpy]

[quote name="Waspy" post="10122793" timestamp="1453411671"

I was also involved in a bus crash whilst on holiday in Malta. The brakes on the bus had failed.

I'm not surprised, I've been on the buses in Malta, the drivers don't give a f**k.

[CLANCY2KTID]

Got knocked down by a taxi doing around 40mph.

Injuries weren't overly bad, I suppose, but at the time I kept getting told I was lucky to survive.

Head went through his windscreen, fracturing my skull. Got a broken leg, dislocated shoulder, broken collarbone and a "de-gloved" lower leg. If you haven't seen a "de-gloving" injury, I wouldn't look them up, enough to give you the dry boak.

Spent my xmas and new-year in high dependency, which was nice.

[Gaz FFC]

Got knocked down by a taxi doing around 40mph.

Injuries weren't overly bad, I suppose, but at the time I kept getting told I was lucky to survive.

Head went through his windscreen, fracturing my skull. Got a broken leg, dislocated shoulder, broken collarbone and a "de-gloved" lower leg. If you haven't seen a "de-gloving" injury, I wouldn't look them up, enough to give you the dry boak.

Spent my xmas and new-year in high dependency, which was nice.

Aye but how much compo did you get?

[CLANCY2KTID]

Aye but how much compo did you get?

To date, none.

Only thing I have to show for it just now is cracking scar on my leg and a condition called Anosmia.

[Sergeant Wilson]

To date, none.

Only thing I have to show for it just now is cracking scar on my leg and a condition called Anosmia.

Smell you later.

[Kmeister]

I was driving down the A1 doing slightly more than the speed limit when a deer ran straight in front of the car. I thought I saw my life flashing before me but it was only Bambi bouncing over the top of the car.

Hit the central reservation twice before managing to get the car over on to the side of the road.

When the Police came the first thing they said was "How the fck did you walk out of that".

A scary experience indeed.

[CLANCY2KTID]

Smell you later.

Handy for nappy changing duties though.

[carpetmonster]

Handy for nappy changing duties though.

I'm jealous. Packed the fags in when the Mrs got pregnant and have regretted getting my sense of smell back since.

[CLANCY2KTID]

I'm jealous. Packed the fags in when the Mrs got pregnant and have regretted getting my sense of smell back since.

Has it's down side too, it's obviously true when they say taste is 90% smell. Almost everything tastes like cardboard now.

[Zen Archer (Raconteur)]

Has it's down side too, it's obviously true when they say taste is 90% smell. Almost everything tastes like cardboard now.

I don't think that your friends think your farts taste like cardboard.

[carpetmonster]

Has it's down side too, it's obviously true when they say taste is 90% smell. Almost everything tastes like cardboard now.

Again, I'm not the greatest of chefs and my smiling sweetly when the wife cooks once in a blue moon would look a lot less like a rictus grin.

[AsimButtHitsASix]

Has it's down side too, it's obviously true when they say taste is 90% smell. Almost everything tastes like cardboard now.

My mate has it and says although taste has gone he can still taste "temperature". Puts either mint or chilli or everything.

[Raidernation]

Apparently I nearly died of a bad allergic reaction to anesthetic when I was getting my appendix removed in the late 90s. Obviously I know feck all abot what happened in the operating theater, all I know is I woke up in the ICU and they kept me there for a few days.