Bishop Briggs Posted July 3, 2019 Share Posted July 3, 2019 (edited) Latest report from Clapham. Edited July 3, 2019 by Bishop Briggs 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pozbaird Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Wee Glesga’ wummin’ is three stone overweight, smokes sixty a day, never exercises, drinks like a fish... out doing the shopping one day, and wham - heart attack. She’s rushed off to hospital, lying on the trolley looking up, the doctors faces slowly fade to white, she sees the big white staircase and gates. Next thing St Peter is swinging them open and has a big clipboard in his hand. He looks down the list, and says ‘Senga McGlumphy? Nope, not on my list - it’s not your time.....’ Next thing, the white clouds receed, she sees the doctors faces again, hands pumping her chest as she comes back from the brink... the doctors say to her ‘Mrs McGlumphy, you are one lucky lady, but you need to look seriously at your lifestyle or next time....’ The wummin’ vows, this is it, things are changing.... she quits the fags, stops drinking, joins a gym.... a year later, she looks a million dollars. All her friends are stunned at the transformation. New hairdo, blokes eyeing her up in the street, the works... She heads into Glasgow to buy a new outfit one day, crosses Argyle Street - bang! Wiped out by a speeding McGill’s bus. Pan breid’.... next thing, all she sees is the clouds, the staircase, and once more, St Peter with his clipboard.... ‘ah, Senga McGlumphy....’ She stops him in his tracks... ‘Haw! What’s the score here! You told me it wasn’t my time!’.... St Peter looks up from his clipboard.... ‘For fcuk sake, I never recognised you!’ 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mantis Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Mate of mine drowned in a vat of whisky. Non-swimmer, would have drowned quickly but he got out 5 times for a pish. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 Another mate of mine fell into a vat of optical glass. Always did like making a spectacle of himself. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19QOS19 Posted July 4, 2019 Share Posted July 4, 2019 I finished fitting a carpet for Speedy Gonzales yesterday and the cheeky fucker called me up today. He said "It's not soft enough." I said "I've used the best quality carpet, what more do you want?" "Underlay, underlay!" He replied. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 Chinese zoos have started breeding rock n' roll pandas. They're feeding them on bop bopa-a-lu-a whop bamboo. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 A well trained dog! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 After a sunny afternoon in Govan... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsr Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 We use a source control tool at work for submitting completed code to the shared repository. The typed command for doing this is "push". I have written a little script that enables me to use "pish" instead. This is adding much humour and joy to my day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 Little Billy was watching TV in his bedroom . He comes downstairs and asks “ Dad , what’s love juice ? ‘ His father looks at him horrified but decides to explain to him all about sex and why a women’s vagina gets wet . Billy just sits there with his mouth open wide in amazement . His dad then asks “ what were you watching son anyway ?” Billy replies “ Wimbledon “ 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
topcat(The most tip top) Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 We use a source control tool at work for submitting completed code to the shared repository. The typed command for doing this is "push". I have written a little script that enables me to use "pish" instead. This is adding much humour and joy to my day.What kind of git would do that? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 29 minutes ago, topcat(The most tip top) said: What kind of git would do that? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 Justice has been served! There's been some scumbag called Callum known as cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 Been there, done that.... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 I used to be addicted the hokey cokey but I turned myself around that's what it's all about HEY 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
throbber Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bishop Briggs Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 How clever I thought! But my lesser half's comment was "not clever at all - I hate Pizza Hut!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 I used to date the woman who is the voice of the speaking clock.She was so in love with me, until I cheated on her.Now she won't even give me the time of day. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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