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The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

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30 minutes ago, LeeVanTeeth said:

Jeremy Kyle, 4 kids, an addiction issue and unemployed.

Can anyone recommend a TV show to help him?

The Scheme?

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On 20/03/2019 at 15:10, GordonD said:

Guy goes into the chemist's and says, "Can you make me something up?"

The chemist says, "Lorraine Kelly was in here a minute ago - you just missed her!"

"Is that right?" says the guy.

The chemist says, "No, I just made it up!"

You can tell you're into Minions tbh

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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection 

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills :) 

I’m still looking for a place to live .....

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I was in the pub with my mate a few weeks ago when 4 big bast””ds started getting mouthy with us 

“ quick pretend we’re the police “ my mate said 

We only got through the first two lines of Roxanne before they kicked the absolute sh1t our of us 

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Asked my boss what to do with a 6 metre roll of bubble wrap and he told me “just pop it in the corner”. Took me four hours!!

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Stolen from somewhere, possibly Mock the Week:

"If an apple a day keeps a regular doctor away, how many apples would you have needed to defeat Harold Shipman?"

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I walked in on my parents having sex the other day.
It was the worst half an hour of my life

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Wifie complains to her husband that she wishes that she had bigger Tits!
Bloke says ‘why don’t you try rubbing paper between them’?
‘Do you really think that will do the trick’ she asks?

He replies...’well it worked on yer fuckin arse’!!

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Paddy shouts frantically down the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asks the operator.

"No," shouts Paddy."This is her husband."

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Paddy tells his wife "my bumhole is really burning and i've no idea what it is"

"ring sting" his wife says

Paddy replies "how the f**k will he know"

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Ikea now has a pharmacy department.

I got a suppository from there the other day and had to put it up myself

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Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman are captured by a jungle tribe.

Chief says you must go out and collect ten of the same fruit.

Irishman returns with ten apples, and the chief says right stick them up your arse and if you don’t flinch you will live. He gets about 2 in and yelps. So the tribe kill him and eat him.

The Scotsman returns with 10 blueberries, he gets told the same. He gets 8 blueberries in when he bursts out laughing. So he is killed and eaten.

In heaven the Irishman says what happened, you were so close. Scotsman says I saw the Englishman coming back with 10 pineapples.

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