The DA Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) The young couple next door have made a sex tape. Obviously they don't know that yet. Edited February 9, 2019 by The DA 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 drunk guy walking through the streets at 4 am gets stopped by the police. Officer says to him "where are you going at this time of the morning?",guy says "i'm away to attend a lecture on alcohol and the effect it has on society and the family environment"policeman says "who is giving that lecture at this time of the morning?" and the guy replies My wife. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Just now, buchan30 said: drunk guy walking through the streets at 4 am gets stopped by the police. Officer says to him "where are you going at this time of the morning?", guy says "i'm away to attend a lecture on alcohol and the effect it has on society and the family environment" policeman says "who is giving that lecture at this time of the morning?" and the guy replies My wife. The policeman takes him home only to find his wife standing behind the front door with a rolling pin in her hand. The chap says to the copper 'what a considerate woman to be baking for her husband at this time of night' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanius Mullarkey Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki. I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I once went out with a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. Arranged to meet her again but she popped her clogs. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I used to go out with supermodel. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Did you know that listening to Queen can cause autism? This is due to the high Mercury content. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Just changed the name of my iPod to ‘Titanic’. It’s still syncing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnthebaptistist Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Dyslexics are teople poo 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 (edited) Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier . Saw a scouser in Liverpool running down the road wearing a cape . Turned out the f**ker hadnt paid for his,haircut Edited February 20, 2019 by kennysmassiveego 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buchan30 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Condoms doesn't guarantee safe sex anymore....My friend was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weemac Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I met a Slovakian sound engineer last week. I met a Czech one too. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 When I was a young boy in the 50’s my mum used to send me down to the corner shop with a quid and I’d come back with a bag of potatoes , 2 lb of sugar , 4 pints of milk , 1 lb of butter a box of tea , 4 loaves and 6 eggs ! ‘You can’t do that nowadays....to many f**king security cameras 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL-FFC Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 A man is on holiday in Jamaica and decides goes to jump into the pool but sees the lifeguard sat next to it so he asks him if the water is warm. "Lukewarm" comes the reply. So he jumps right in. And then right back out. "I thought you said it was lukewarm! It's fucking freezing!" "Lukewarm to me mon". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincolnHearts Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 ....was thinking about vanilla when I was in Asda today. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennysmassiveego Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I went up to a bird in a bar last night and thinking I was being dead smooth I said “ is that ladder in your stockings or is it a stairway to heaven ? “ She immediately replied “ yeah it is a stairway to heaven , but there’s already a c**t up there , os f**k off “ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IainMorton Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 My lesbian neighbours gave me a new Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for a gift and i said “I wanna watch”. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tamthebam Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I told the doctor I was experiencing pain during sex He said "Does your penis burn?" I said "Dunno, I've never tried to light it..." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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