johnnydun Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a reindeer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mortar Bored Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 What do you call a reindeer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea. Or cock Still no fuckin idea. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 What's brown and sticky? A stick! I went to the doctor the other day and she asked me what was wrong. I showed her the steering wheel sticky out of my trouser fly and told her "It's driving me nuts" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnydun Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I was in hospital last week and for lunch on the monday I got haggis, neeps and tatties. On the tuesday I got haggis, neeps and tatties. On the wednesday and thursday it was the same again. I was a bit miffed by this so asked a nurse why it was always haggis, neeps and tatties? Turns out I was in the Burns unit! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meddabhoy Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 What do you call a guy that's nearly home? Hamish 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
booj1893 Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeboy Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 What do you find in Mars bars? Alcoholic spacemen. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolph Hucker Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Guy fell under a steam train on the West Highland Line. He was chuffed to bits. -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 A woman answers a knock at the door and there stands a door to door salesman. He opens up his suitcase to show an assortment of items "Can I interest you in some bargains madam, polish, dusters, anything like that"? "No thanks" says the woman, "I don't need anything". "What about some socks for your husband madam" asks the salesman, "and not just any type of sock, these are aphrodisiac socks, when your husband puts them on he will be able to make mad passionate love to you for hours, and they are a bargain at only 5 pounds a pair". The woman thinks about it for a wee while and decides that, at 5 pounds a pair, it would be worth at least trying. When her husband comes home the woman explains what she had bought and despite his doubts he agrees to try them on, so the wife goes up to the bedroom to wait. After about 15 minutes the hubby still hadn't come upstairs so the wife went down to see where he was. When she went into the kitchen her husband was bent over the table ramming a carrot up his arse. The wife was furious, "Trust you to put the fuckers on inside out" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolph Hucker Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 A guy is always on at his wife to give him a blowjob but she always refuses, saying she was shy, she wouldn't put "that" in her mouth and anyway she wouldn't risk him coming in her mouth either. He tried for ages to get her to do it if he wore a condom but she refused saying she hated the taste of rubber. Finally he thinks he's found the answer - flavoured condoms! He puts this to her and after a while she agrees, and he nips out for some while she has a couple of drinks to get her courage up. By the time he gets back they're both up for it and dash upstairs, strip off and jump into bed. She dives under the duvet and starts sucking and slurping away. After a minute or two she stops for breath and says "This is magic - I didn't know the did a "cheese & onion" flavour!" He says "Ehh, no love, they don't - I huvny actually pit wan on yet......." -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eednud Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deeboy Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital. On the way to the operating theatre he regains conciousness and whispers to the nurse "Am I in heaven?" The Nurse says "No we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowden0 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 A man goes to the doctors, telling him that he had been raped by an elephant while he was on safari. Doctor tells him to strip off and bend over so he can examine him. On examination the exclaimed that what ever had happened he had not been raped by an elephant. The man is adamant that he had. The Dr says let me explain, an elephant's penis is 8 inches in circumference, the hole in your arse is at least 12 inches across. The man says aye but he had to finger me first. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie95 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 A man goes to the Doctors. "Doctor, when I have a shite it comes out like spaghetti". The doctor tells the man to drop his trousers so he can examine him. " Ah, I see the problem" said the doctor as he took a big pair of scissors out of his drawer. "Is this gonna hurt doctor"? asks the man. "No, said the doc, " I'm just going to cut 6 inches off the bottom of your string vest". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolph Hucker Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 A brickie's labourer goes to the doc complaining of terrible constipation. The doc gets him to drop his drawers and bend over so he can have a look. "Okay, I can see the problem", says the doc, "don't move." Doc goes to his golfbag, which is sat in the corner, and gets his driver out. Standing on a chair, he addresses the arse, swings back, and BAM! Shrapnel flying all over the place, and immediate feelings of relief for the patient. "That's great, doc, thanks" says the guy, "but is it likely to happen again?" "No," says the doc. "Well, not as long as you stop wiping your arse with old cement bags......." -2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Three nuns were walking past a fruit n veg stall when one nun says to the others "Look at that bargain, 4 bananas for 50pence". "But what will we do with the 4th banana"? asks one of the other nuns. "Sure we can always eat it I suppose" said the first nun. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hk blues Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Father O'Reilly gets sent out to his first Parish after being ordained. First night he decides to pop into the centre to check things out. Almost immediately he hears a whisper "Blowjob only 20 quid." Being a priest and young and very naive, the young priest rushes ahead. Almost immediately same thing "Blowjob - 20 quid." Now feeling extremely embarrassed, the young priest decides to go back to the church. Next night, feeling brave, he goes out into the centre again- same thing. Off back he goes. He repeats this every night until Saturday, and decides to talk to Mother Superior about what's been happening. Betroot red, he says he has something delicate to ask her. Go on, ho on, she urges. Plucking up courage, he stutters "What's a blowjob Mother Superior?" Unbuttoning her habit, she replies "20 quid Father, just the same as you'll pay in the city!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 A man with a bad stutter goes to see the doctor. "D d d doctor my w w wife is g g go going to leave m m m me cos she c c ca c can't s s stand my s s s stuttering any m m m more. Can you c c c c cure it." The doc tells the man to strip off so he can examine him. "Interesting, said the doc, "I have heard of this problem but this is the first time I have seen it. You have an extra-long penis which is putting strain on you vocal cords. The only cure is to operate, remove the extra-long penis and graft on a smaller one. The new penis will function just as well as the longer one." "Th th that sounds a b b b bit d d drastic d d d d doc, I b b better s s see wh wha what my w w wife thinks" said the man. Of home he goes and explains things to his wife. "I'm not sure, she says, "your big cock really satisfies me and is one of the reasons I've put up with your stutter for so long, but if the new penis works alright I would rather get rid of you stutter". Arrangements are made with the doctor and the man has the necessary operation which is a success. No more stutter. About a month later however the man is back in at the doctors. "Doctor, I'm sorry to bother you but since the operation my wife is complaining that she is not satisfied with the small penis during lovemaking and she is threatening to leave again. Is there any chance i can get my big cock put back on" "N n n n no fu fu fu fucking ch ch chance" said the doctor. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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