Jump to content
Ayia Napa Daz

The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

Recommended Posts

A duck walks into a library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The librarian replies, "Ha, no, I'm sorry, this is a library, there's a garden centre just up the road though, they might have some"

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"No, I told you yesterday - this is a library."

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"Look, I've told you no twice already - if you ask me one more time then I'm gonna nail your f***in' beak to this f***in' desk, you got that?!"

The third day the duck walks into the same library and asks,"Got any nails?"

"Nails? Erm, no!"

"Good. Got any duck food?"

And then he waddled away, waddle, waddle.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Can you drive this thing?"

Two trout swimming up a loch and they come to a concrete wall.. They look at each other and say "Dam!!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man with no legs was thrown out of the cinema for standing on the seats.

As he waited at the bus stop a pal came along and asked him how he was getting on.

Eventually he got two wooden legs, but they caught fire and he burned to the ground.

He tried to claim for replacements on his house insurance but he didn't have a leg to stand on and was eventually charged with arsin'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Which cheese can you use to get a bear out of a cave?

Come on bear

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mask a pony.

Also -

What do you call a train that doesn't stop at any stations?

Thomas the c**t.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually have about a billion of these fuckers..

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the most violent book he's ever read.

What's got 3 heads, 8 legs and a pair of wings? A man on a horse holding a budgie.

What's six inches long and starts with a "p"? A shite.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini Gallardo and a dead prostitute? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Apologies to all.

Edited by Fide

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A duck walks into a library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The librarian replies, "Ha, no, I'm sorry, this is a library, there's a garden centre just up the road though, they might have some"

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"No, I told you yesterday - this is a library."

The next day the duck walks into the same library and asks, "Got any duck food?"

"Look, I've told you no twice already - if you ask me one more time then I'm gonna nail your f***in' beak to this f***in' desk, you got that?!"

The third day the duck walks into the same library and asks,"Got any nails?"

"Nails? Erm, no!"

"Good. Got any duck food?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A lorry driver from Glasgow is taking a consignment of penguins to Edinburgh Zoo. Just outside Glasgow his lorry breaks down. A passing fellow lorry driver asks if he can help. "Certainly can" says the first guy "I'll give you £100 if you can take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo."

So off his pals goes with the penguins.

A few hours later, his lorry fixed, the first guy heads over to Edinburgh when he sees, walking down Princes Street, his pal, a penguin in each hand and 18 penguins behind him. "The f**k are you doing? I gave you £100 to take these penguins to Edinburgh Zoo!!"

"We've been" the second guy says "I've still got £40 left, I'm taking them to the cinema"

I thangyew.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Heard about the Oasis soup?

You get a roll with it.

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

He was kneading a shite.

What do you do if you have a trumpet groing in your garden?

Root it oot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Two dyslexic plumbers, one says "can you smell gas?"

The other replies "smell gas? I cant even smell my own name".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What did the French yachtsman say when his mast snapped in a storm?

Sailor vie.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...