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The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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I chatted up a blind bird last night - no surprise in the fact that she'd have to be blind for me to pull her, but anyhoo - I took her upstairs to bed and she said I had the biggest cock she'd ever got her hands on. 

I said 'you're pulling my leg!'

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A young lady is walking through a supermarket when she spots the lad who had given her a good seeing to the night before.


"Here, you!" she shouts. "You told me last night that you were a test pilot! So just what are you doing stacking soap powder on the shelves here, you low-life liar?!"


"You got it wrong" he replies. "I only told you I was a member of an Ariel display team..."



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21 hours ago, Newbornbairn said:

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.


Because they're Inca hoots.

Why can't owls mate when it's raining?


They find it too wet to woo.

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Guy is up in court for murdering his wife and daughter with a hammer. The judge is reading out the charges, "you are charged with murdering your wife with a hammer"  "ya lousy b*****d!!" Shouts a voice from the gallery. "You are also charged with murdering your daughter with a hammer" "ya lousy b*****d" shouts the voice again. The judge Says "look, I know this is a very sensitive case, but please refrain from shouting from the gallery" the Man Says "ok sorry, but I've lived next door to the b*****d for 20 years, and everytime I've asked for a loan of a hammer he's told me he's  no got one!!"

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