jagfox Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 Yer da is growing tomatoes and is calling himself Pablo Tescobar... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefybake Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 4 hours ago, jagfox said: Yer da is growing tomatoes and is calling himself Pablo Tescobar... Very important to have your own supply of tomatoes. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 I chatted up a blind bird last night - no surprise in the fact that she'd have to be blind for me to pull her, but anyhoo - I took her upstairs to bed and she said I had the biggest cock she'd ever got her hands on. I said 'you're pulling my leg!' 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted February 27 Share Posted February 27 Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 capsules at me! Luckily my injuries are only Super Fish Oil. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 Lidl have announced they are putting limits on buying some items in-store. Customers will now be limited to 2 wetsuits per person. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 A young lady is walking through a supermarket when she spots the lad who had given her a good seeing to the night before. "Here, you!" she shouts. "You told me last night that you were a test pilot! So just what are you doing stacking soap powder on the shelves here, you low-life liar?!" "You got it wrong" he replies. "I only told you I was a member of an Ariel display team..." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Other Foot Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 I've had it up to here with jokes that rely on visual imagery. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newbornbairn Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs. Because they're Inca hoots. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velo army Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 21 hours ago, Newbornbairn said: Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs. Because they're Inca hoots. Why can't owls mate when it's raining? They find it too wet to woo. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Diamond Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 Continuing the theme... Why did the Owl howl? Because the woodpecker would peck her. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velo army Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 I see a few of us got the Bill Oddie joke book for Christmas 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 Why couldn't the viper viper nose? Because the adder adder handkerchief. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyAnchor Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philpy Posted March 23 Share Posted March 23 Guy is up in court for murdering his wife and daughter with a hammer. The judge is reading out the charges, "you are charged with murdering your wife with a hammer" "ya lousy b*****d!!" Shouts a voice from the gallery. "You are also charged with murdering your daughter with a hammer" "ya lousy b*****d" shouts the voice again. The judge Says "look, I know this is a very sensitive case, but please refrain from shouting from the gallery" the Man Says "ok sorry, but I've lived next door to the b*****d for 20 years, and everytime I've asked for a loan of a hammer he's told me he's no got one!!" 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted March 29 Share Posted March 29 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottsdad Posted March 30 Share Posted March 30 I asked a woman for a date once, but she said no because I had a face like the back of a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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