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Old Bob Monkhouse one.

The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life. We talked, and she said she would cover herself in melted chocolate, and I would lick it off. The trouble is, she went and bought white chocolate. I'm not too fond of it, it's too rich.

I've come to dread hearing her call out from upstairs: "The Milkybars are on me"

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1 minute ago, scottsdad said:

Old Bob Monkhouse one.

The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life. We talked, and she said she would cover herself in melted chocolate, and I would lick it off. The trouble is, she went and bought white chocolate. I'm not too fond of it, it's too rich.

I've come to dread hearing her call out from upstairs: "The Milkybars are on me"

Way back when I was a student I had a girlfriend who would insist that I spelled out every letter of the alphabet with my tongue.

Last weekend I met her for the first time in 20 years

She's married a very patient Chinese guy

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On 27/01/2020 at 18:16, The DA said:

Shamelessly nicked from Twitter.

Son: “I was awarded the ‘Leslie Nielsen badge’ at school today”

Dad: “What's that?”

Son: “It's a big building full of pupils and teachers, but that's not important right now.”

This is the best joke I've ever heard.

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On 03/02/2020 at 11:39, Old Diamond said:

Wid - but I'd need someone to put me up to it

The wooden box method of contraception.

Spoiler

You do it standing up. Just as your eyes start to glaze over, she kicks the box away.

 

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I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be with you in the morning” and hung up.

Five minutes later I called back. “Hello, I phoned earlier about someone in my shed. No need to worry about it anymore though, I’ve just shot him”.

Within 10 minutes the area was crawling with cops, helicopters, and K-9 dog handlers. After catching the crook, the Sergeant came up to me and said, “Hey, you told us you shot the intruder, but he’s alive and well.”

“Yeah? And you told me you had no one available.”
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I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

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